Well hello, hello...Finally a new Nerdcore original article/review. Unfortunately, you'd probably be better off reading the ingredients of a sugar packet...
Anyway, today, December 10th, was the big freakin release date for the new t.A.T.u. album. Noone in the world seemed to care or even have this CD, but after Wayne and I(Rob) endured the blank stares of clerks in a half dozen stores, Best Buy came to the resuce and had a couple copies. So, after braving homeless people, bus attacks, deadly hills, cockroaches, and a hundred other calamities(It was quite the adventure, actually) we decided to settle down and relax with some good ol' fashioned video games.


Unfortunately, we instead sat in front of Star Wars:Bounty Hunter and I learned new meanings of "This Game Sucks!"
Alright, there was a lot of hype and talk...and I'm a Star Wars fan, and this game is based on a truly badass character...all things that should have been good signs. I start out in some pit without my jetpack fighting a weird monster, which dies in a rather exciting exchange of me slowly circling it and hitting the fire button faster then a fat man eats pie.
Where my jetpack is, noone knows, noone explains, and noone cares about...I have my two hand pistols with the much hyped ability to shoot at two enemies at once, which prove to be your ONLY useful item. There are other things...a line that shoots from your wrist like Spiderman but only goes about 3 feet, little nasty looking darts that do exactly what your guns do, but you only have 3 of them for some reason, your fists which I don't understand because your handguns never run out of ammo, and some sort of scanner to tell if someone has a bounty on them. This is roughly as useful as shoelaces to a man without hands; for it comes into play ONCE and really isn't necessary in the least.

Now, you may have noticed the pictures on this page are not Bounty Hunter, but Devil May Cry. This is because my first idea was to post pictures of ways you could try to kill yourself while attempting this game...then I thought "why should the Nerdcore fans kill themselves? Both of them are very important to me!" and thought to show pictures of weapons you could use to destroy every copy of this game...I randomly clicked a link, however, and ended up with Devil May Cry pics presnted to me, and thought I would treat you with pictures of a good game while you hear about this wretched fool of refuse.


Anyway...once you kill the monster, you are able to leave by using the one cool gadjet Jango has, his cutting torch, which occasionally cuts through grates...not all grates, mind you, though they all look alike and you'll never know which are magic cuttable grates, and which are not. You are left to wander the stadium/dozen locker rooms that make up this level...you can jump around in the gym room for no reason, or shoot at random droids for no reason. I suggest you instead lift a heavy object over your head and drop it straight down, allowing blissful unconsciousness to save you from this mess.
But I perservered, knowing you needed to know how awful this game was...and not long after I ran into roughly 5,000,000,000 bad guys. It's ok, there's only three kinds at first...one short fat kind that swings an axe at you, one slightly less short and fat kind that swings a different kind of axe at you, and one thin skinny annoying guy that shoots at you. The gunshots do no damage to you, the axe weapons instantly annihilate you, so take that stupid scientists! By this theory, I have come to believe I can walk the streets armed only with a twig, as it is far more powerful then a handgun.


Oh, and this is only one locker room full of bad guys. You'll find several hundred other such rooms...occasionally if you spend half an hour shooting in a straight line to kill them all, you'll be rewarded with a small health bonus, which you wouldn't need if you hadn't had to deal with the several million bad guys, but oh well.
Once you've cleared EVERYTHING out, you inevitably learn you could have circumvented all of this by jumping onto one of the precariously placed, impossible to reach ledges. Hurray for stupidity. You've more or less defeated the first level now, the end boss being the challenge of figuring out you have to shoot the power core thingy next to the door before it will open. At this point it would have been wise to make one hand into a fist, hold it out at arm's length pointing your way, then run full speed toward the fist...repeating the process until a coma is induced. But, I pressed on valiantly, the magnificent sounds of my new tatu CD drowned out by the soundtrack consisting of grunts, weapon blasts that seem unattached to actual gunfire, and people saying in various ways "Don't shoot me". Despite all the crap, at this point I was having a little fun...the big firefights were alright as you were allowed many rolling/ducking/crouching/jumping/spinning maneuvers while shooting; though the best strategy remains to walk up to any enemy, and keep shooting until he falls over. You're now in some grungy town, wandering alleyways and streets. You get lost, end up at the same place a dozen times, find some magical cuttable grates and some that are not so cuttable, discover doors that will not open, wall textures that look just like doors, and wall textures that look like switches but are actually apparently lights. After an idefinite period of walking around shooting things, the game apparently granted me a reward for my feats, and without explanation I had my jetpack on. Whatever. The jetpack proves very useful, as you can use it to fly for roughly 2 seconds in any direction...but don't bother using it to get on top of buildigns or something silly like that, nomatter how much energy it has left it'll never raise you to a useful height. Oh, by the way, the enemies respawn at a rate of Every Enemy Killed reappears x5,000. They are often posistioned in places you cannot reach, making you assume you must find a way to get there, only to learn it is IMPOSSIBLE and they apparently were born there. After a while, you realize certain places CAN be reached using your jetpack, so I flied from place to place with it, occasionally shooting bad guys...often landing on raised areas complete with lots of stuf and a door, only to find the door would not open and the enemy I'd killed 3 seconds ago had multiplied and risen from the grave. I managed to end up in the same alleyway 200 times, and then decided to see how many blast mark spots the game could handle showing on it's walls at a time. I started trying to write "Kill Me Please" but only managed "Ki" before the blast marks dissapeared. Damn self-healing walls.


Well, at this point I was out of willpower and decided to let myself get killed. I stood in front of several enemies for roughly a minute as they shot at me, and nothing happened...I set them on fire, imagining them as the programmers of the game, and wondered off only to be taken out by one shot from a laser beam that came out of a wall...apparently angered by my burning letters into it's cousin. The End.
Alright, maybe it wasn't THAT horrible...but it wasn't great, and not near what it was made out to be. A good game if you just wanna shoot junk and jump around, but that's more or less all this is...I give it a rating of Gary x2.


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