The Trials and Tribulations of Bucky the Space Hamster
By Wayne M.
Vol. 1 Oh please, eat me now; please.

"My cedar is cold," cried Bucky the hamster from space. "Why the hell is my cedar cold?? Can somebody get me my freaking cedar so my ass can warm the hell up?"
Bucky was irate at that moment, finally noticing with his tiny brain that his cedar needed to be changed.
"Damn," Thought Bucky, "My master is a moron. Oh, let's watch Bucky run in his wheel and see him fail to get the freak out of the cage time and time again! Let's mock his inabilities! Great freaking way to attain my love, jackass!" Ok, Bucky is always irate, not at that particular moment, but every moment of his short, meaningless life in space.
"Space sucks," Says Bucky with a frown (or what a hamster thinks is a frown, but is really only a psychological thing, because hamsters can't frown). "All I do is eat, why do I freaking eat? I mean I'm going to die in a couple of weeks anyway. Hell, I'll probably get sat on before I actually starve to death. I could spend my time much better trying to claw my eyes out with my dull-ass claws."

But Bucky's suicide attempts didn't go unheard. His master, a very surly white man in his early 20's who has half a lip and part of his medulla oblongata hanging out of his cracked open head, saw Bucky's unsightly attempt to claw his own eyes out and stopped him by breaking Bucky's right foot.
"What the @#$% are you doing you #@#$! Now I can't even try to get out of my cage on the never ending wheel! That's just great!"
And the master said, "Bucky, my poor handicapped hamster from space! I shall make all your dreams come true!"
After coming to from the unconsciousness of breaking his foot, Bucky replied, "Even the dream where Yanni is making out with a fish in a barrel of sea monkeys, with Fabio eating dried grapes in front of a three nippled afganistanisian monkey with herpes, while Right Said Fred is having a hap-hap-happening time at a chucky Cheese gay bash?"
His master promptly beat Bucky senseless until all of his appendages looked not unlike his food.
Bucky perished later that day, because of, well all his appendages being broken off. Now this tale should teach everyone a valuable lesson in life; never, ever invite Yanni to a party.

(Editor's note: Wayne is very strange)


Back Home