WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT TO TURN ON THE TV AND HEAR ANY > U.S. PRESIDENT, DEMOCRAT > OR REPUBLICAN GIVE THE FOLLOWING SPEECH? > My Fellow Americans: As you all know, the defeat of > the Iraq regime has been > completed. > > Since congress does not want to spend any more money > on this war, our > mission in Iraq is complete. > > This morning I gave the order for a complete removal > of all American forces > from Iraq This action will be complete within 30 > days. It is now time to > begin the reckoning. > > > Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the > names of countries which > have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. > This list is short. The > United Kingdom , Spain , Bulgaria , Australia , and > Poland are some of the > countries listed there. > > The other list contains everyone not on the first > list. Most of the world's > nations are on that list. My press secretary will be > distributing copies of > both lists later this evening. > > Let me start by saying that effective immediately, > foreign aid to those > nations on List 2 ceases immediately and > indefinitely. The money saved > during the first year alone will pretty much pay for > the costs of the Iraqi > war. THEN EVERY YEAR THERE AFTER IT GO TO OUR SOCIAL > SECURITY SYSTEM SO IT > WONT GO BROKE IN 20 YEARS. > > The American people are no longer going to pour > money into third world > Hellholes and watch those government leaders grow > fat on corruption. > > Need help with a famine ? Wrestling with an > epidemic? Call France . > > In the future, together with Congress, I will work > to redirect this money > toward solving the vexing social problems we still > have at home . On that > note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with > us and we will hunt you > down and eliminate you and all your friends from the > face of the earth. > > Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try > France , or maybe China . > > I am ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic > relations with France , > Germany , and Russia . Thanks for all your help, > comrades. We are retiring > from NATO as well. Bon chance, mess amiss. > > I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to > begin towing the many UN > diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more > than two unpaid parking > tickets to sites where those vehicles will be > stripped, shredded and > crushed. I don't care about whatever treaty pertains > to this. You creeps > have tens of thousands of unpaid tickets. Pay those > tickets tomorrow or > watch your precious Benzes, Beamers and limos be > turned over to some of the > finest chop shops in the world. I love New York > > A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List > 2. Since we are likely to > be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might > want to try not pissing > us off for a change. > > Mexico is also on List 2 President Fox and his > entire corrupt government > really need an attitude adjustment. I will have a > couple extra tank and > infantry divisions sitting around. Guess where I am > going to put 'em? Yep, > border security. > > Oh, by the way, the United States is abrogating the > NAFTA treaty - starting > now. > > We are tired of the one-way highway. Immediately, > we'll be drilling for oil > in Alaska - which will take care of this country's > oil needs for decades to > come. If you're an environmentalist who opposes this > decision, I refer you > to List 2 above: pick a country and move there. They > care. > > It is time for America to focus on its own welfare > and its own citizens. > Some will accuse us of isolationism. I answer them > by saying, 'darn > too-tin.' > > Nearly a century of trying to help folks live a > decent life around the world > has only earned us the undying enmity of just about > everyone on the planet. > It is time to eliminate hunger in America It is time > to eliminate > homelessness in America . To the nations on List 1, > a final thought. Thank > you guys. We owe you and we won't forget. > > To the nations on List 2, a final thought: You might > want to learn to speak > Arabic. > > God bless America . Thank you and good night.