Fearnaugh

"Eat the chicken," Fearnaugh taunted. Fearnaugh came to this town on a hang glider with the word "Tootsie" written across the back. All of us knew better than to ask him about the word "Tootsie," because written under that word were other words, words such as "The rider of this hang glider will make no hesitations in making ass jokes about anyone who asks about the larger word above all these small words, relatively speaking."

"I just might," retaliated Rotunda. By now you're probably thinking Rotunda might ask about the word "Tootsie" or make ass jokes, but if you are, you've already forgotten about Fearnaugh's taunt of telling Rotunda to eat the chicken. If you didn't, you may put a cookie into your mouth, and consider it something you earned. Now that you remember the chicken thing, let's get back to the intense dialogue.

"Gasp!" gasped Fearnaugh. No one had ever complied with his orders before, because he was bad at taunting people. Also, complying with someone's orders as a retaliation isn't much of a retaliation. In a planned-out effort to help make his point clear to Rotunda, Fearnaugh turned on the television, which immediately displayed the news report on his most recent of evil-doings.

OR DID IT?? No one really knows just what happened next. Stories range from the period at the end of this sentence to the end of this paragraph. One traveler who was in the hotel of our heroes claimed that Fearnaugh then covered a Teflon coated baking pan in Pam spray and grease and then stood in it, demonstrating excellent Buddhist levitation skills, because it's kind of like standing on nothing. A mind-reading gypsy woman who claims she can make curtains talk visited the hotel room that Fearnaugh and Rotunda were staying in. While she and the police listened, the curtains were unusually quiet - something terrible must have happened in the room that night. The hotel patrons in the room below, who had built a periscope out of a garbage can and cosmetic mirrors, assert that none of these things happened; the television was simply on the wrong channel when Fearnaugh turned it on. "The hotel carpet would run red with the blood of the television," they told reporters.

"What's you're point, Fearnaugh?" demanded Rotunda. She was bound to her chair by the magnetic forces of chairwood-to-Rotunda that Fearnaugh had perfected in grad school, and by rope. Rotunda had noticed the prime AAAAA grade of the chairwood. It was cut out of one solid piece of chairwood from the Wild Chairwood Forests in Colorado, The Chairwood State. Chairwood was actually discovered by the late Reverend Earlwanda Chairwood, Sr. He named the wood after his last name, but its excellent chair-like qualities that loaned itself to chairmaking weren't discovered until decades later, after his passing. Coincidentally, they were discovered by Dr. Ruthmund Chairwood (no relation), who then christened all chairs made out of Chairwood thereafter to be called Chairwood Chairs, also named after his own last name. March 156* is National Chairwood Appreciation Day, which is celebrated by parents burying Chairwoods in their back yards during the week of March 53rd through March 60th. If they live in the city, they must drive to the country and bury the chairs in someone else's yard, or in the fountain or wherever they can, and then on the 156th, the children are given shovels and are punched very hard until they find the chairwood that their parents buried. No children have been killed by Chairwood Appreciation Day, but around 650 children each year are severely beaten and maimed to the point of not being able to sustain life for longer than 60 seconds, and are then left behind, which isn't really murder, but rather injury and abandonment. They didn't find the Chairwoods anyway, so they're not legally considered humans at that point.

* Dardnaegel liked the month March so much that one year, March came around and he didn't ever let it go. Every time he wrote the date, it would start with "March" and then the day of the year as if it were March for all 365 days. For example, March 32nd to him is April 1st to us. March 73rd is 31 (Days in March) + 30 (Days in April) + 10, so it's May 10th. This goes on until March 365, which is February 28 (or during leap year, March 366 which is February 29; convenient, no?). The day after that goes back to March 1st, in celebration of the new March. Using this simple conversion table, you can count your days like Dardnaegel.

- Note -
The previous paragraph began AND ended with the word "Dardnaegel."

Fearnaugh sat in the Chairwood next to Rotunda's, to which his futuristic magnetic forces and present-day-caliber rope had not been applied. He grabbed the clicker and put on the news. CNN Headline News anchorbabe Robin Meade was doing a report on the perfect geometry of her face when a breaking news report came in her emergency-news-situation earpiece thing that newscasters wear, demanding nothing less than the familiar chime, "This just in." Fearnaugh edged towards the edge of his Chairwood with anticipation, falling off just in time to get hit in the ear by an attack plotted and executed by Rotunda's teeth, which would have missed otherwise, as the teeth were aiming almost two full feet in front of his knees. Rotunda, still attached to her teeth, has been accused of complying with earbite and possible conspiracy in group earbiting to the first degree. Blood flowed from Rotunda's mouth. She was entered in the Bloodwell Festivals and won third prize, next to a ten year old who ate veins like spaghetti and a cadaver in the one of the later phases of decomposition, who won second and first prizes, respectively. While Rotunda was off losing a competition to a dead person, Fearnaugh made his getaway in his hang glider, too tired and too frustrated to make up the rest of the story - always the mark of an amateur.