The Passion of the Christopher

Star Bores
Article 9: November 8, 2006

Think of a film you have never seen. Can you name any of the major characters in that film? Do you know what the film is about? Do you know how it ends? You probably answered "no" to all those questions which, of course, makes perfect sense because you have never seen the film. So, can anybody tell me how the flaming fuck I know so much about those fucking Star Wars films considering I have never even seen one? How come I know about "Hans Solo" and "Jar-Jar Wanks" and "The Force" and George Lucas sitting looking "thoughtful" in his director's chair in some fucking desert while wearing a stupid fucking bomber jacket? It's because these stupid fucking films have become masturbation-fodder for people around my age who "grew up watching" these stupid fucking films and who are now permanently hypnotised by nostalgia to the point where they are trying to recruit non-fans like it's some fucking religion.

The films are also popular with people I put just one notch below sex-offenders on the moral-o-meter: greasy-skinned nerds. Spotty-faced, spectacle-wearing, squeeky-voiced fuck-sticks forever waxing lyrical about how these films "changed cinema forever" while standing in line outside a cinema theatre in October waiting for Star Wars Episode VXI: Revenge of the Robot-Cocks to open in February. Oh, and they don't seem to mind having their photos taken dressed as their favourite character. Keep these photos if ever you find one because a news organisation might need them in the future to publish in a newspaper above the caption: "A quiet man, said neighbours." Here's the picture of a man who has pretty much given up on life:

There was a time when people weren't talking much about Star Wars. The films had still engrained themselves into our culture like a hemerroid on an anus, but at least they weren't everywhere you looked. The time in question was the 90s. Thus George Lucas thought it might be a good idea to re-release the old films and then make some new ones! The hype started all over again the minute he made the announcement. Star Wars here, Star Wars there, Star Wars every-fucking-where. It was like the second coming of Christ. Movie critics, fan-boys and generic dickheads the world over worked themselves up into a foaming-at-the-mouth frenzy. Thick coke-bottle glasses were thrown across the room during violent convulsions. Urine was expelled uncontrollably. A new level of insanity had been reached. And then the level above that one was reached too.

There was only one problem, the elephant in the room nobody mentioned, the unmentionale of unmentionables: the new Star Wars films were shit. Badly-acted, badly-written turds. If you had suggested that at the time, somebody would have been finding your charred body a week later. Mentioning it now, and you may get a weak shrug of acknowledgement.

But still, even to this day, Star Wars is everywhere you go, being referenced at every opportunity, serious film critics tripping over themeselves to gush about its social and political "relevance" as if they were getting a cut in the profits. Film magazines know that putting Star Wars on their cover boosts sales, so watch how cynically they try and mention it either subtly or overtly despite nothing even closely relating to Star Wars being released that same month.

Star Bores has been milked and milked and then milked, and even though it is painfully obvious the Star Bores breast has been left strained, bruised, and empty, still the attempt is made to milk it some more. These films were entertaining in their day, and they made a lot of money, but move the fuck on. I was a huge fan of He-Man. When I was 8. For the love of fuck, let it go!