{\rtf1\ansi\ansicpg1252\deff0\deflang1033{\fonttbl{\f0\froman\fcharset0 Times New Roman;}{\f1\fnil\fcharset0 Century Schoolbook;}} {\stylesheet{ Normal;}{\s1 heading 1;}} {\*\generator Msftedit 5.41.15.1507;}\viewkind4\uc1\pard\fi720\li3600\f0\fs20 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2880 \ldblquote Frasier - In A Nut Cell"\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2880 (f.k.a. \ldblquote Don\rquote t Call On Me\rdblquote )\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 WGAw Intellectual Property Online Registration\par \b\f1\fs28 Registration Number : 949178\par \b0\fs22\par \pard\tab\tab\tab\tab\tab \ul FINAL DRAFT (2001)\par \ulnone\par \pard\fi720\li3600 Written by\par \pard\fi720\li2880 A.E. Heston\par Delaware, Ohio\par \par \par \par \par \par \pard\fi720\li3600\ul\f0\fs20 ACT ONE\par \par \pard\li4320\ulnone \ul A\ulnone\par \pard\par \par FADE IN:\par \par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. FRASIER\rquote S APARTMENT \endash DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Niles, Daphne, Martin)\par \ul\par NILES\ulnone IS STANDING BY THE FRONT DOOR. \ul MARTIN\ulnone IS SITTING IN HIS CHAIR.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (CALLS OUT) Niles! Niles! Would you please try\par \par calling your brother again? He knows bloody well that\par \par we\rquote ll be gone for at least a week!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote ve already told you, Daphne. Nothing stands between\par \par Frasier and a footwear sale at Nordstroms!\par \pard\par \ul DAPHNE\ulnone ENTERS INTO THE LIVING ROOM, CARRYING A SUITCASE AND BAG.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 If you ask me, Dr. Crane has enough pairs of shoes\par \par to supply the entire city! Why is it that he feels\par \par compelled to buy more?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Give it up, Daphne. When it comes to finances, my\par \par boys will never learn. Whenever I tell Eddie to heel,\par \par now he drags out a pair of Frasier\rquote s shoes.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, you\rquote d think he would at least want to bid his\par \par family a cheery farewell. Just leave it to him have a\par \par soul.\par \pard\fi720\li3600\par NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, if he buys another pair of shoes, he\rquote ll have\par \par \pard\li2880 two soles!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LAUGHS) Oh, silly Niles! You know, Dr. Crane\par \par has never been a shoe-in for good byes!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Knock it off, you two! We\rquote ve gotta get a move on.\par \par Besides, Frasier\rquote s idea of good bye is spending a\par \par hundred bucks on something that\rquote ll stink at the end of\par \par the day! Back when the boys were kids, we tried to\par \par teach them some values.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dad, when a pair of bruno Magli\rquote s are reduced by \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Put a sock in it, Niles!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, dad, so much for Frasier and I trying to put\par \par our best feet forward.\par \pard\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 SMASH CUT TO:\par \pard\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 \ul B\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1 INT. JAIL CELL \endash SAME DAY - DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Frasier, Jack, Jail Guard)\par \par \ul FRASIER\ulnone IS COWERING IN THE CORNER OF A JAIL CELL. \ul JACK\ulnone IS STANDING ACROSSED THE CELL WEARING A TRENCHCOAT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, I do swear! You\rquote re just like my father\rquote s dog!\par \par You just sit and stare. Are you capable of speaking\par \par or rolling over?\par \pard\par \ul JACK\ulnone GIGGLES BUT REMAINS MOTIONLESS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, all right then! We\rquote ve been together in this cell\par \par for nearly an hour. Would you at the very least tell me\par \par why you\rquote re in this rat infested cage? (PAUSE) Never\par \par mind what I just said.\par \par \pard THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone ENTERS THE CELLBLOCK, TWIRLING HIS NIGHTSTICK.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hey, you wanna keep it down?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I do not belong in this hellhole! I\rquote ll have you know that\par \par I\rquote m a very highly respected and honored member of this\par \par community!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, really? And I suppose you want to speak to the\par \par mayor of Seattle!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, may I? (PAUSE) Look officer, I\rquote m a well known\par \par psychiatrist and I have my own radio show \endash The Dr.\par \par Frasier Crane show on K.A.C.L. Perhaps you\rquote ve heard\par \par of it \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And I\rquote m Tom Brokaw! Look, I get your kind in here\par \par all the time. Just save your story for the nightly news,\par \par O.K., fella?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Officer, I\rquote m truly sorry for what may appear to be\par \par blatant arrogance on my part, but I assure you that\par \par I\rquote m truly innocent of any charges brought against me.\par \par Perhaps I would have not intentionally ran out of that\par \par store without paying for those shoes if I\rquote d been in a\par \par better frame of mind!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, and you just told me that you\rquote re a renowned radio\par \par talk show psychologist?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 A psychiatrist, you bumbling \endash Oh, I\rquote m very sorry. I\par \par seem to be losing my mind.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You\rquote re trying to tell me that you just happened to\par \par try on a thirty-dollar pair of shoes and then decided to\par \par test \lquote em by high tailing it out of the store without paying?\par \pard\fi720\li3600\par FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But I realized that I was going to be late for my radio\par \par program! I was \endash\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone PAUSES\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Thirty dollars? How insulting!\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone LOOKS AT HIS WATCH.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, dear sakes! I\rquote m still late for my show! Please\par \par Officer! Just one more phone call! This time I promise\par \par not to call 911!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote ve already given you two calls for the price of one!\par \par First, you tell me that you\rquote re trying to call your dad,\par \par the retired and renowned cop that no one here\rquote s ever\par \par heard of. Secondly, half of the force was en route here\par \par because of that last call!\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone GETS ON HIS KNEES AND BEGS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Please, officer! I could lose my career for this huge\par \par misunderstanding! My manager will have my \ul hyde\par \par pierced\ulnone for this! I\rquote ll lose my job!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 That last incident almost cost me mine, and I\rquote ve never\par \par seen that many flashing lights around here unless it\rquote s\par \par Christmas time! The way I see it, leaving a message\par \par on an answering machine is just as bad of a call as the\par \par one that you made back at the store!\par \pard\ul\par FRASIER\ulnone WHIMPERS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But I left that message at my own residence! My\par \par father and his physical therapist rarely ever checks my\par \par messages!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You might as well have been talking to yourself. Don\rquote t\par \par worry, though. It\rquote s a favorite pass time here.\par \pard\ul\par FRASIER\ulnone JUMPS ON HIS FEET.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh my! I\rquote ve just remembered! They\rquote re flying to Europe\par \par today! They\rquote ll be gone for an entire week!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LAUGHS) Europe? Now that\rquote s funny!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Excuse me?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, they\rquote re going to Europe and yer\rquote up the creek,\par \par or river, or whatever they say.\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone CRIES.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 After a couple of days in here, you\rquote ll get used to it.\par \par You\rquote ll fit right in with the rest of, well, the others.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) But I don\rquote t want to fit in!\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone BEGINS TO EXIT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, and doc? Next time you\rquote re at Nordstroms, try on a\par \par pair of running shoes. You\rquote ll probably out run us.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, and I suppose that next,\par \par you\rquote ll be telling the newspapers that I\rquote m a sneaker!\par \par \pard\li7200 FADE OUT.\par \pard\par \par \par \pard\fi720\li3600\ul C\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1 INT. JAIL CELL \endash SAME DAY - DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Frasier, Jack, Jail Guard)\par \par \ul FRASIER\ulnone RUNS A PLASTIC CUP AGAINST THE JAIL BARS IN PANIC. \ul JACK\ulnone IS ASLEEP ON THE FLOOR. THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone ENTERS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Officer! Officer!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Now what is it? Did your family take American\par \par Express on their trip instead of \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Now just you wait one minute! Isn\rquote t there a policy in\par \par here that strictly prohibits the possession of detainees\rquote\par \par personal items?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 So? Just what are you getting at, fella?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, sir, I seem to have noticed a serious violation\par \par of your jail\rquote s policies and I demand that the situation\par \par be remedied this instant!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And just what would that be, Shoe-lock?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, if I may? That!\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone POINTS TO \ul JACK\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CON\rquote TD)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 For you see, it appears that you\rquote ve afforded that\par \par gentleman, I mean \endash that person, the luxury of retaining\par \par his trench coat!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I better go get my gun!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 There are absolutely no buttons on that article of\par \par clothing, yet you\rquote ve allowed the coat\rquote s strap to remain\par \par affixed about his waist! Now then, as it\rquote s anything but\par \par cold or rainy within this dungeon, I demand that you\par \par make him remove that strap! He could very well hang\par \par himself with that strap!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No sir! You do not, and I emphasize, do not, want me\par \par to make him remove that!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 With any due respect officer, I demand to know why\par \par you\rquote re permitting him the retention of a personally\par \par owned and potentially dangerous item while along the\par \par very same line depriving me the luxury of a similar\par \par privilege!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, I\rquote m sorry that you weren\rquote t wearing a trench coat\par \par when we booked you.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I wasn\rquote t wearing any shoes, either!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote ll see if we have any coats in the lost and found.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Actually, I\rquote ve indeed thought of one certain item that\par \par I should have been afforded as I joined this man in this,\par \par this sarcophagus. Sir, would you have it within your\par \par heart to kindly retrieve my cell phone?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No way, buddy. You\rquote ve had your two calls! In fact,\par \par if I gave it to you? I can just see it now. First, the local\par \par media, and then, if you really are who you say you are,\par \par all of your little imaginary radio groupies will show up\par \par for a protest rally in your honor. In fact,they\rquote ll probably\par \par try to psych me into letting you out.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SQUIRMY) Please? I swear that I\rquote ll only attempt to\par \par contact those of whom I work with! If you don\rquote t believe\par \par me, you can stay and listen. Does Seattle lock-up have\par \par a policy against cell phones within our, I mean, your cells?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (HESITATES) I could get myself in some hot water here.\par \par You know? However, I can\rquote t remember anybody saying\par \par anything about cell phones. After all, I\rquote m the one in\par \par charge here tonight.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\fi720\li2160\par (BEGGING) Then sir, I give you my word. I won\rquote t try\par \par anything foolish. Besides, it\rquote s rather unlikely that I could\par \par use such a device to harm myself or anyone else for that\par \par matter. It\rquote s not like I would resort to, say, committing tele-\par \par felonious assault?\par \pard\par \ul JACK\ulnone STARTS TO SNORE. \ul FRASIER\ulnone BEGINS TO GRIN.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Give me a few minutes to think it over.\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone EXITS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 FADE OUT.\par \pard\li4320\ul\par D\par \pard\par \ulnone FADE IN:\par \par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL \endash SAME DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Roz, Jack, Frasier (V.O.))\par \par \ul ROZ\ulnone NERVOUSLY PACES, REPEATEDLY LOOKING AT HER WATCH.\par \par \pard\keepn\s1\ul SFX: TELEPHONE RING\par \pard\ulnone\par THE \ul PHONE\ulnone RINGS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 K.A.C.L, this is Roz.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Listen, Roz! I can\rquote t explain right now \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Frasier! Where in the hell are you? If you haven\rquote t noticed,\par \par we have a show to do!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Look, I don\rquote t have time for Q and A, but I\rquote m telling\par \par you that there\rquote s absolutely no way that I can make it to\par \par the station in time!\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SARCASTICALLY) Well, just what do you want me\par \par to do about it? We\rquote ve already aired every Best of Crane\par \par tape we\rquote ve ever had, all two of them in fact! Someone\rquote s\par \par gonna wring our necks if you don\rquote t come up with\par \par something, and fast!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Me come up with something? I\rquote m here and you\rquote re there!\par \par This is making me ill!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well take two and call me when you\rquote re through\par \par mourning! I swear, Frasier!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 Wait just a minute \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) We don\rquote t have time to wait\par a minute!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No, Roz! Apparently, my brilliant ability to focus in\par \par times of uncertainty had enabled me to develop a more\par \par than adequate remedy for this most unfortunate\par \par circumstance.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) If you don\rquote t tell me what we\rquote re gonna\par \par do, I swear that I\rquote ll put some cuss in your focus!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Roz, Roz, now listen! Can you patch me through to our\par \par callers and put both lines on the air?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 If you stop taking my name in vain, I\rquote ll think about it!\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par WITH PHONE IN HAND, \ul FRASIER\ulnone GRABS JACK\rquote S ARM WITH EXCITEMENT AND JUMPS UP AND DOWN. \ul JACK\ulnone AWAKENS AND JUMPS DRUNKENLY UP AND DOWN WITH HIM.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Now just bear with me, Roz! I think we can pull this\par \par off!\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600\ulnone ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Actually, there is something of yours that I\rquote m about to\par \par pull off! Where are you, and what\rquote s with all of that\par \par stomping noise?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Just listen, will you? Now, let\rquote s go on with the show\par \par and call today\rquote s topic From One Caller to Another.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 From who to what?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No, really! It\rquote s not what I originally had in mind for\par \par today\rquote s show, but given our circumstance, wouldn\rquote t\par \par our listening audience find this concept somewhat\par \par amusing?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (WORRIED) Are you sure, Frasier?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Yes, and them some! For you see, Roz, our listeners\par \par could really take hold of this concept and feel compelled\par \par to participate! A relate-ability factor, if you will.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 If you say so.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\par \pard\ulnone\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \par \pard\fi720\li2160 You know? Dr. Frasier Crane on his own cell phone,\par \par talking with Seattle about mass public usage within a\par \par cellular world? The ritualistic lack of etiquette that\par \par some arrogantly display while jabbering on and on\par \par about subjects that have no valid meaning for those of\par \par us who hear unfortunately only one side of the story?\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL.\par \ulnone\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, whatever.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 All right then, Roz! We\rquote re glistening!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You owe me big time for this, Frasier! I\rquote ll give you the\par \par cue after the commercial break.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 FADE OUT.\par \pard\par \pard\li3600\ul END OF ACT ONE\par \pard\par \par \pard\fi720\li2880\ulnone \ul ACT TWO\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 E\par \pard\ulnone\par \par FADE IN:\par \par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL \endash SAME DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Roz, Frasier, Jack, Niles, Daphne, Martin, Flight Attendant, KACL Staff, Abdul (V.O.), Barbie (V.O.))\par \par \ul SFX: AUDIO COMMERCIAL SAYING "AND REMEMBER, DEAL WITH THE BAIL BOND SERVICE THAT GETS YOU OUT OF JAIL FASTER THAN YOU GOT IN." COMMERCIAL IS AIRING. ROZ JUMPS INTO\ulnone \ul HER CHAIR AND PUTS HER HEADSET ON.\ulnone\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Are you ready, Frasier? (PAUSE) Frasier?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, yes Roz, I\rquote m still here.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 O.K., here we go.\par \pard\par WITHOUT LOOKING, \ul ROZ\ulnone ACCIDENTLY CUES \ul FRASIER\rquote S\ulnone BOOTH. SHE REALIZES HE\rquote S NOT THERE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh my gosh! All right \endash Three, two, and \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hello, Seattle! This is your very own Dr. Frasier Crane.\par \par Now, before beginning today\rquote s calls, I would like to\par \par personally extend a very special thanks to my producer,\par \par Roz Doyle. Without her presence, today\rquote s show would\par \par not have been possible.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SNOBBISHLY) Well, I\rquote ll second that, but when you\par \par say presence, you\rquote re referring to the one you\rquote re gonna\par \par bring me for showing up for work today, right?\par \pard\par \ul KACL STAFF\ulnone BEGIN TO STROLL BY THE BOOTH WINDOW AND GIVE \ul ROZ \ulnone CONFUSED AND WORRISOME LOOKS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Anyway, we\rquote ve long dreamed of performing an experiment\par \par of sorts. For you see, everyone obviously realizes that\par \par there are several advantages, or disadvantages if you\par \par like, concerning our society\rquote s usage of cellular phones.\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone ROLLS HER EYES.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\par \pard\ulnone\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone POMPOUSLY PACES IN HIS CELL.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Why this particular topic, you may ask? Well, let\rquote s just\par \par say that until very recently, who would have ever thought\par \par that such a tiny device could instantly be used to touch\par \par another, all within the press of a few mere buttons?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL\par \pard\ulnone\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Until today, who would\rquote ve ever thought it remotely\par \par possible? By the way, Frasier, I have a caller on line\par \par four from X-Pletive Communications. She got excited\par \par about the last part of your speech and wants to know\par \par if you\rquote ll do a commercial for her phone service. She\par \par says it\rquote ll be a real quickie.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, judging by her company\rquote s name, I\rquote d like to know\par \par more, but right now \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Just a minute, Frasier. Barbie, are you still there?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 BARBIE (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Yes! Now then, my company specializes in high tech\par \par netwares, softwares, leatherwares, and exotic \endash\par \pard\ul\par ROZ\ulnone DISCONNECTS \ul BARBIE\ulnone AND AIRS A COMMERCIAL.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Roz! Why did you put out \endash put her out \endash I mean put\par \par her out on the \endash the air?\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote m sorry, Dr. Crane. You were saying something about\par \par an experiment for the show that we\rquote re trying?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\par \pard\ulnone\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) You\rquote re really starting to porn \endash I mean,\par \par push my buttons!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING \endash AUDIBLE THROUGH FRASIER\rquote S\par \par CELL PHONE) I\rquote m doing it because you didn\rquote t bother\par \par showing up today! You could have at least called!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But I did call, and I\rquote m still on the line, aren\rquote t I?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SYMPATHETIC) Oh. I\rquote m sorry, Frasier.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL\par \pard\ulnone\par \ul ROZ\ulnone CUTS INTO THE BREAK AND PUTS \ul FRASIER\ulnone BACK ON AIR\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 Now as I was saying, I have decided to call today\rquote s\par \par topic From One Caller To Another. However, I must\par \par let you all know that in order to conduct today\rquote s\par \par experiment, I\rquote ve personally chosen to use my own\par personal cell phone so that I might quite literally be\par \par able to share in your experience. Now, if you\rquote d like to\par \par use yours, then be my breast \endash I mean, guest.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I don\rquote t know about this, Dr. Crane. The whole thing\par \par seems kind of phony.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Please, everyone, ignore Roz for the time being. I\par \par incest. Damn it \endash I mean insist! I really apologize for\par \par the slip of my tongue. Oh, for gracious sakes!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone ERUPTS INTO FULL LAUGHTER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O., CONT\rquote D)\par \par \pard\fi720\li2160 (PLEADING) Oh, listeners, I must apologize for this!\par \par I can\rquote t help but notice this off based vocabulary began\par \par only after Roz purposefully allowed Barbie\rquote s call to\par \par protrude into my program.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 (UNDER HER BREATH) Back stabber!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone GRABS A MARKER AND WRITES "I HATE \ul FRASIER\ulnone " ON THE WINDOW ABOVE HER CONSOLE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par \ul FRASIER\ulnone ANGRILY PACES IN HIS CELL.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Please, people! You must understand! As a psychiatrist,\par \par I have a perfectly logical explanation regarding the\par \par cause for the things I\rquote ve said. At times, the person\rquote s\par \par subconscious mind has the tendency to react uncontrollably\par \par as is obviously the case here. If I hadn\rquote t been exposed\par \par to Barbie, I mean, let myself be exposed to \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Just shut up, Frasier! The more you try and explain, the\par \par more you sound like you\rquote re trying to skirt the issue!\par \par I\rquote m going to commercial.\par \pard\ul FRASIER\ulnone SCREAMS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul INT. COMMERCIAL PASSENGER AIRPLANE\ulnone .\par \ul DAPHNE, MARTIN,\ulnone AND \ul NILES\ulnone ARE IN THE FIRST CLASS SECTION. \ul MARTIN\ulnone WATCHES \ul FLIGHT ATTENDANT\ulnone . THEIR EYES MEET AND THE \ul FLIGHT ATTENDANT\ulnone WINKS AT \ul MARTIN\ulnone . \ul NILES\ulnone AND\par \ul DAPHNE\ulnone\rquote S JAWS DROP IN ASTONISHMENT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, I never!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LAUGHS) And you\rquote d better never!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dad, would you please explain to us what that was all\par \par about?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (GRINNING) Nope.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh now, Niles, don\rquote t you mind your father. He seems\par \par a bit more receptive to the female species lately. A bit\par \par chipper as I see it.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I know, Daphne. But now more than ever, he tends to\par \par turn simple admiration for women into such a spectacle.\par \par Could he possibly make his intentions more obvious?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, one thing\rquote s for sure. Even a good case of locked\par \par jaw wouldn\rquote t stop his tongue from seething out onto\par \par the floor whenever that stewardess walks by.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Daphne, please promise me one thing. (PAUSE)\par \par Promise me that you\rquote ll look at me like dad looks at\par \par that woman when we\rquote re his age.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Niles, your command is my wish.\par \pard\par \ul NILES\ulnone AND \ul DAPHNE\ulnone KISS.\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Listen, Niles. I need to be very frank with you.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (GIGGLING) Well, I would prefer that you be Daphne\par \par instead.\par \pard\par \ul DAPHNE\ulnone\rquote S FACE TURNS SOUR. AFTER A SHORT PAUSE, THE PLANE IS SUDDENLY ROCKED FROM TURBULENCE AND BAGGAGE FALLS FROM OVERHEAD COMPARTMENTS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Whoa, our Father in Heaven!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Don\rquote t bring him into this!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I think I already have!\par \pard\par \ul NILES\ulnone CLUTCHES HIS HEAD IN HIS ARMS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 PILOT (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Sorry about the disturbance. It seems as though we\rquote ve\par \par hit some turbulence. For the next few moments we\par \par would like to request that all persons moving about the\par \par cabin return to their seats for your own personal safety.\par \par We should be back to normal flight operations after we\par \par clear this pocket of nasty weather.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, thank you dear Lord! I was almost certain that we\par \par were destined for disaster!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Geeeeezzzzz! You\rquote d think we were flying over the\par \par Windy City!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 PILOT (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No sir, we\rquote re not.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dad, in case this happens again, what religion was it\par \par that you had said worked best for you?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\ul ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Frasier, this is turning into the worst on air disaster in\par \par radio history! Where the hell are you? Every time you\par \par speak there\rquote s a huge echo in the background. Wait a\par \par minute! You\rquote re not hiding in the men\rquote s room somewhere\par \par are you? (PAUSE) Oh my, you\rquote re in the \endash\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No, I\rquote m not! If you must know, I\rquote m rather embarrassed\par \par about this, so if you would kindly stop asking \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Trying to stall me Frasier?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, and I\rquote m sure that you would lay eight to five on\par \par your suspicions, so put a lit on it you \endash you \endash reproducer!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\fi720\li2160 All right, this is war! Hey, you just said lid! I knew it!\par \par You\rquote re on the john! Whoops, I meant on the air in three,\par \par two, and \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And we\rquote re back, Seattle! Roz, for those of us who have\par \par just caught us \endash\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone ROLLS HIS EYES AS HE REALIZES THE IRONY OF JUST BEING CAUGHT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Um, rather, ah \endash Roz, who\rquote s our first caller?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH\ulnone .\par \par \ul SFX: SKIDDING CAR\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, along with both of our careers on the line, we have\par \par Abdul on line two. He\rquote s concerned because his boss\par \par has his cell phone number and he states that he now\par \par calls Abdul whenever he\rquote s off the clock.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hello, Abdul, I\rquote m listening.\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone GRABS HER MARKER AND ADDS "REALLY" TO THE "I HATE \ul FRASIER\ulnone " NOTATION ON THE WINDOW ABOVE HER CONSOLE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Whether I\rquote m at home or if I have a day off, my boss\par \par still calls me into work all the time!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 So I see. You know, Abdul, many people \endash\par \pard\par PLAY \ul SKIDDING CAR\ulnone SFX.\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Damn you crazy driver! You didn\rquote t use your turn\par \par signal! If I had a \endash Oh, sorry Dr. Crane. I\rquote m listening.\par \pard\par STARTLED, \ul ROZ\ulnone SLIPS AND KNOCKS COFFEE ONTO HER CONSOLE. SMOKE BEGINS TO RISE FROM\par THE CONSOLE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Now, Abdul! There\rquote s no need to unleash your anger\par \par upon another motorist. Oh, you\rquote re behind the wheel.\par \par I guess there\rquote s nothing wrong with blowing a little\par \par smoke at an inconsiderate driver.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 He\rquote s not the only one blowing smoke!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone BLOWS ON HER CONSOLE AND WAVES HER HANDS. THE SMOKE STOPS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Just ignore her, Abdul. She\rquote s become somewhat of a\par \par hot head lately. Now, how did your employer obtain\par \par your cell phone number? You surely didn\rquote t volunteer\par \par it did you?\par \pard\par SMOKE AGAIN RISES FROM THE CONSOLE. \ul ROZ\ulnone RUNS BACK AND FORTH IN A PANIC. SHE GRABS A FIRE EXTINGUISHER. AS SHE TRIES TO USE IT, SHE LOSES GRIP OF THE HOSE AND SHOWERS HER BOOTH WITH FOAM.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 It doesn\rquote t matter, Dr. Crane. He just always calls me\par \par when there\rquote s an emergency at work!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) I have an emergency!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Huh? Anyway, Dr. Crane, I never get any peace and\par \par quiet now!\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Abdul, have you considered getting a new number?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I can\rquote t Dr. Crane. And if I don\rquote t answer his calls, I\par \par could lose my job! It\rquote s not like the pagers they used to\par \par make us carry.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH\ulnone .\par \par \ul ROZ\ulnone\rquote S BOOTH IS COVERED IN FOAM. SHE TRIES CLEANING THE CONSOLE WITH TISSUES, MAKING THE MESS WORSE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Pagers, you say?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I just kept losing them, so they finally stopped giving\par \par them to me and made me carry this cell phone.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Perhaps you would benefit by changing careers. If you\par \par don\rquote t mind my asking, Abdul, just what is your\par \par profession?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH\par \par \pard\li4320\ulnone ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote m an emergency room trauma surgeon.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I cannot believe what I\rquote m hearing! Abdul \endash\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone STOPS, SITS IN HER CHAIR, BEARING A HUGE GRIN.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (CUNNING) So Abdul, you\rquote re a surgeon? If you stay\par \par on the line, I\rquote d like to \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) Roz!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone JUMPS OUT OF HER CHAIR.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O., CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 How dare you, Abdul! As one who also serves within\par \par the profession of the medical sciences, I can only\par \par wonder how many lives have already been affected by\par \par your childish and brazen attitude!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But I \endash\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone OPENS A CAN OF SODA, LOBS HER LEGS ON HER CONSOLE, AND SITS BACK IN HER CHAIR, SMILING.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You\rquote ve called to complain about a little ringing piece\par \par of plastic that very well serves as a link between life\par \par and death to those who would unknowingly put their\par \par complete and utter trust in you?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Abdul, which hospital do you work at?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Listen Abdul, and listen to me very carefully. Now, I\par \par don\rquote t know what kind of professional you would claim\par \par to be, but \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But I\rquote ve already told you. I\rquote m and ER trauma surgeon.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh dear, I\rquote ve apparently found Woody\rquote s long lost\par \par brother!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone BURSTS INTO LAUGHTER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\ul\par FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600\ulnone ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Look it, doctor. I already put in sixty hours a week!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You want to brush aside the little boy or girl who\rquote s\par \par currently en-route to the emergency room of which\par \par you serve in order to have his or her afflicted appendix\par \par removed?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Abdul, do you look like George Clooney?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And let us not forget about the young and expectant\par \par mother named Susie who awaits the skillful artistry\par \par of one cowardly surgeon to guide her through an\par \par emergency C-section!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SOBBING) All right, you\rquote re ripping me apart!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I\rquote m sure that those birthing complications can be quite\par \par painful!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone OPENS HER SODA. ITS CONTENTS EXPLODE FROM THE CAN AND THE CONTROL BOOTH.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ABDUL (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 All right then, doctor! Stop it! Maybe I\rquote m not what I\par \par was cut out to be!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. PASSENGER AIRCRAFT CABIN \endash SAME DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Daphne, Martin, Niles, Flight Attendant, Jack Hanna, The Monkey, Flight Captain (V.O.))\par \par \ul DAPHNE\ulnone IS ASLEEP. \ul NILES\ulnone IS READING A BOOK. \ul MARTIN\ulnone IS CHASING THE \ul FLIGHT ATTENDANT \ulnone PASSED THEM.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dad!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dad, I mean, Martin!\par \pard\par \ul MARTIN\ulnone RAISES HIS CANE UPWARD AND HITS ANOTHER PASSENGER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Stop it, now! You\rquote re raising too much cane!\par \pard\par \ul MARTIN\ulnone IGNORES PLEAS AND CONTINUES DOWN THE AISLE OF THE CABIN.\par \par \pard\li4320 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, so much for the not so young and able!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Did you just see what I saw?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LOUDLY) Can you imagine? How childish of that\par \par crude gentleman! I don\rquote t believe I\rquote ve ever seen him\par \par before in my entire life!\par \pard\par \ul NILES\ulnone GLANCES AT \ul PASSENGERS\ulnone TO MAKE SURE THAT THEY NOTICE HIS STATEMENT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, stop worrying, Niles. Nobody knows who we are\par \par on this ship.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 But with those two headed in one direction at that speed\par \par and this aircraft going about four hundred miles an\par \par hour in the opposite direction, I\rquote m almost certain that\par \par one of those two\rquote s travels may end before it ever starts.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, it\rquote s really most heartening to see your father up\par \par and about. I don\rquote t ever recall seeing him move that fast.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And to think that he used to ticket people for moving\par \par slower!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 At least he doesn\rquote t have his gun, though I\rquote d bet his\par \par handcuffs would come in real handy about now!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Shhh, Daphne! Even mentioning a gun on an airplane\par \par could get us into trouble!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, please Niles. It\rquote s not like I said hijack!\par \pard\par \ul JACK HANNA\ulnone , SITTING IN FRONT OF \ul NILES\ulnone AND \ul DAPHNE\ulnone , RAISES HIS HEAD AND TURNS TO FACE THEM. \ul JACK HANNA\ulnone\rquote S \ul MONKEY\ulnone CRAWLS UP ONTO HIS SHOULDER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JACK HANNA\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hi there! I think I heard my name.\par \pard\par \ul MARTIN\ulnone RUNS BACK TOWARDS THE FRONT OF THE PLANE. HE SEES \ul JACK HANNA\ulnone AND STOPS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (EXCITED) Hi, Jack! Hey you guys, this is Jack\par \par Hanna from all of those animal shows on TV!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FLIGHT CAPTAIN (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (STERN VOICE) Attention, passengers! I\rquote m sorry to\par \par disrupt your flight, but I need to emphasize to all on\par \par board that the usage of certain verbal phrases may result\par \par in unscheduled landings. Again, I\rquote m sorry for this\par \par disruption.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 NILES\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Ha! And the Crane will be the first flying thing to go!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Jack, could I get your autograph? Daphne, where\rquote s\par \par your camera?\par \pard\par \ul DAPHNE\ulnone SEARCHES HER CARRY-ON BAG.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 DAPHNE\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 What was that whole speech from the captain about?\par \par He sure seems somewhat uptight!\par \pard\par JACK HANNA\rquote S \ul MONKEY\ulnone HOPS INTO \ul NILES\ulnone\rquote LAP. \ul NILES\ulnone GOES INTO SHOCK. \ul MARTIN\ulnone PICKS THE \ul MONKEY\ulnone UP AND PETS IT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 MARTIN\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 That\rquote s a good boy. Now, don\rquote t pay any attention to\par \par Niles. He\rquote ll make a monkey out of you.\par \par \pard\fi720\li6480 RESET TO:\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. ROZ\rquote S CONTROL BOOTH \endash SAME DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Roz, Janitor, Abdul (V.O.), Frasier (V.O.))\par \par \ul ROZ\ulnone IS ON THE PHONE, TALKING WITH \ul ABDUL\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 So, how do you guys do that? I\rquote ve watched surgery\par \par stuff on TV. You guys are so hot!\par \pard\par THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone ENTERS, CARRYING A VACUUM CLEANER. \ul ROZ\ulnone DOESN\rquote T SEE HIM. THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone LUGS IN THE VACUUM CLEANER AND TURNS IT ON.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hey, do you mind? I\rquote m trying to get a date here!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone TURNS AND SEES THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone . SHE GRINS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Abdul, I\rquote m going to have to call you back.\par \pard\ul ROZ\ulnone HANGS UP ON ABDUL.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 Whoops, I lost him. I\rquote m really sorry for this whole\par \par mess. My job just really sucks right now.\par \pard\par THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone ANGRILY PICKS UP THE VACUUM CLEANER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JANITOR\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 So does mine! You all just think you can trash this place\par \par and call me to clean it up?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Look, I really want to make out with, I mean, makeup\par \par with you. What are you doing tonight?\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone AND THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone EMBRACE AND KISS PASSIONATELY.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\fi720\li2160\par Roz? Roz?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Put yourself on hold, Frasier! I\rquote m busy!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SCREAMING) Roz!\par \pard\par \pard\li4320 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No! Dead air!\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\ulnone SHOVES THE \ul JANITOR\ulnone AWAY AND JUMPS BACK INTO HER CHAIR.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\li2880 We\rquote re on, Frasier!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Welcome back, Seattle! I hope that our listeners of the\par \par female persuasion have just realized that those who\par \par hold medical degrees aren\rquote t necessarily what you\par \par should look for in a man. (PAUSE) Disregard what\par \par I\rquote ve just said!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 FADE OUT.\par \pard\par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL \endash DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Frasier, Frasier (V.O.), Jail Guard, Jack, Janitor, Roz, Roz (V.O.))\par \par \ul SFX: AUDIO COMMERCIAL FOR LAW FIRM, LOUD THUMP, AND SHATTERING GLASS\ulnone .\par \par \ul FRASIER\ulnone IS SITTING ON THE GROUND. \ul JACK\ulnone STUMBLES OVER TO \ul FRASIER\ulnone , POINTING TO \ul FRASIER\rquote S\ulnone CELL PHONE ON THE FLOOR.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, for Heaven\rquote s sakes!\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone QUICKLY GRABS THE PHONE.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Roz, are you still there?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Unfortunately, yes. Are you here? No! We go back on\par \par after the next commercial.\par \pard\par \ul PLAY\ulnone COMMERCIAL FOR LAW FIRM THAT SPECIALIZES IN THE WRONGFULLY CONVICTED.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Somehow, I\rquote m starting to wonder if I\rquote ll ever see my\par \par microphone again.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Huh?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Never mind!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 So, help me Frasier! You\rquote re gonna get us barred from\par \par radio!\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone IS SHOWN BEHIND BARS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, Roz, if only you knew.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 All right, we\rquote re on in three, two, and \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 SMASH CUT TO:\par \pard\par \ul ROZ\rquote S BOOTH AT KACL.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600\ulnone JANITOR\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 One!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (ANGRILY) I\rquote m on the air here!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 SMASH CUT TO:\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL\ulnone .\par \par PLAY SFX: \ul LOUD THUMP AND SHATTERING GLASS\ulnone .\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (STARTLED) What was that, Roz?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 ROZ (V.O.)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 We\rquote re on!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, oh, and yes, welcome back Seattle! If you want\par \par the latest in breaking news, you\rquote ve apparently found it.\par \par On that note Roz, who\rquote s our next caller? Or did\par \par somebody just happen to drop in?\par \par \pard\ul ROZ\ulnone DOESN\rquote T REPLY. \ul FRASIER\ulnone NOTICES THAT HIS PHONE\rquote S BATTERIES ARE DEAD. THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone ENTERS.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hey, Dr. Crane. Why aren\rquote t you answering Roz?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (SARCASTICALLY) Well, if you must know, it seems\par \par as though my batteries have joined the underground\par \par movement, or lack thereof!\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Huh?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 My batteries, they\rquote ve gone dead! They\rquote ve lost their\par \par charge!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And now you couldn\rquote t be a shock jock even if you\par \par wanted to! Come on then! Let\rquote s get you into my office!\par \par You can use my phone!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You mean to tell me that you\rquote ve been listening to me\par \par all along? What prompted you into believing that I am\par \par who I said I was?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 I was out having a smoke, and your face was plastered\par \par on the side of a bus. I figured, what the hell.\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone UNLOCKS CELL DOOR AND LEADS \ul FRASIER\ulnone OUT OF THE CELLBLOCK.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Hurry up! You\rquote re gonna miss the next caller! I can\rquote t\par \par wait to tell my buddies that you used my phone to do\par \par your show!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, just forget about it. It\rquote s in Roz\rquote s hands now. I just\par \par pray that I never learn of what might be happening in\par \par her booth at this moment. Listen, officer. You don\rquote t\par \par think that she\rquote s capable of giving advice to my callers\rquote\par \par questions on her own, do you?\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Well, I\rquote ve gotta admit that she\rquote s one heck of a call girl.\par \par (PAUSE).\par \pard\par \ul FRASIER\ulnone GIVES THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone A DISAPPROVING STARE. \ul FRASIER\ulnone CALMLY WALKS BACK INTO THE JAIL CELL AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You know, as I reflect upon this never-ending little\par \par dream that I seem to be experiencing, perhaps I\rquote ve\par \par finally realized the irony of it all.\par \par \pard\li4320 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 You have?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 As a matter of fact, yes.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LAUGHING) Well, there really is a lot of iron in this\par \par place.\par \par \pard\ul FRASIER\ulnone ROLLS HIS EYES.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Just by chance, do you have any cousins in Boston by\par \par the name of Woody?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 DISSOLVE TO:\par \pard\ul\par \pard\fi720\li3600\ulnone \ul G\par \pard\par \ulnone FADE IN:\par \par \pard\keepn\s1\ul INT. FRASIER\rquote S JAIL CELL \endash DAY \endash DAY/1\par \pard\ulnone (Frasier, Jail Guard, Jack)\par \par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone ENTERS THE CELLBLOCK.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \par \pard\fi720\li2160 Let\rquote s go, Jack. And this time you had better march\par \par yourself directly home! We don\rquote t need any more of\par \par your appearances tonight!\par \pard\par \ul JACK\ulnone GIGGLES PROFUSELY.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And that means both here, or on the streets!\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone UNLOCKS THE CELL DOOR, LEADING \ul JACK\ulnone OUT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (ANGRILY) Wait just one minute! You mean to tell\par \par me that you\rquote re letting this dangerous man go free?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Dangerous? Hardly, unless you have kids.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (PONDERING) If I had realized that this man were a\par \par danger to children, I could have at the very least \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 No, no, Jack doesn\rquote t really pose a threat to children\par \par per se. It\rquote s just that \endash\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Oh, I see! Then he must be a danger to himself! You\par \par know, I routinely counsel persons afflicted with low\par \par self-esteem.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (INTERUPTING) No, he\rquote s not a danger to himself\par \par either! Trust me, you don\rquote t want to know!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Tell me then, officer. Just what is this man\rquote s problem?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Let\rquote s just say that he\rquote ll be back in a flash.\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone LEADS \ul JACK\ulnone FROM THE CELLBLOCK BUT LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \par \pard\fi720\li2160 (TALKING TO HIMSELF) Hmmm. Back in a flash?\par \par And liberty and justice for all? So then, I guess that\par \par our penal institution has once again failed to shield It\rquote s\par \par own dependents by virtue of allowing (PAUSE, AND\par \par THEN A GRIN) Jumping Jack Flash many strolls about\par \par our fine city. Is this what dad had to put up with for\par \par all of those years on the force?\par \par \pard\ul JACK\ulnone STUMBLES BACK INTO THE CELL BLOCK, DOES AN "ABOUT FACE" TO \ul FRASIER\ulnone , SMILES, AND OPENS HIS TRENCH COAT.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 (LOUD AND PATHETIC SCREAM) No!!! Officer!\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone RUNS INTO THE CELLBLOCK, HANDCUFFS \ul JACK\ulnone , AND TIES \ul JACK\ulnone\rquote S TRENCH COAT BACK TOGETHER.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 There he goes again!\par \pard\par THE \ul JAIL GUARD\ulnone LEADS \ul JACK\ulnone BACK INTO \ul FRASIER\ulnone\rquote S CELL. \ul FRASIER\ulnone\rquote S FACE IS FULL OF HORROR AND DISBELIEF.\par \par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD (CONT\rquote D)\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 And furthermore, Jack, here you go again! Sorry Dr.\par \par Crane.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 FRASIER\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Let me guess. Jack (LONG PAUSE), the stripper?\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li3600 JAIL GUARD\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2160 Cheers, Frasier!\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li6480 FADE OUT.\par \pard\par \pard\fi720\li2880 \ul END OF ACT TWO\par }