Too bad you can't buy a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin real fast and freak everybody out. -Jack Handy

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.  -Jack Handy

Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone’s neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing.  -Jack Handy

I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.  -Jack Handy

I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner! We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.  -Jack Handy

God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through.  -Paul Valery

Any girl can be glamorous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
-Hedy Lamarr

A smart man covers his butt, a wise man simply leaves his pants

on. - C.D. Bailey