| Konnichi wa minna ! Chibi Iris-chan ( yes, I go into SD mode whenever I post parodies ) reporting for fanfic duty once again with a humourous ( stop laughing, I haven't even started the story yet ! ) little short story. This is the induced result of too many chocolate chip cookies, two pints of Coke ( Diet, if you must know ) , 3 packs of Tic-tacs, M&Ms plus a few chunks of frozen pineapple at 1.00 pm at night. I won't blame you if you think the story's nuts and you don't laugh. At all. Anyway, I've received some feedback on Breeze. But not as much as I'd like. =P Did you guys like the story or not ? I get the feeling not many people read it ... anyway, I would like to say ARIGATO to those who e-mailed me on it, especially His Lordship Chaos for a beautifully worded letter that really moved me to tears. ( ^ _ ^ ) THIS, however, is NOT a serious story though. PARODY ALERT ! Just thought I'd give you guys a warning first. It's kinda ( WHADYA mean " kinda " ? ) whacked out actually .... a lot of slapstick ... just the teensiest bit raunchy ... After writing some way too darkish fics, I felt the need to write something light. *Don't you mean brainless ?* Sweatdrop. Minna, IGNORE that voice behind the curtain ... I mean screen. Ahem. To continue... The inspiration for this idea came when I thought about how there wasn't enough Mamo-chan to go around. After all, the more the merrier, ne ? And besides, what could be cuter than an adorable little Chibi-Mamoru with an oversized head ? This is a very graphic story. ( meaning the story would be funnier if it was an anime episode in SD form ) *G* It gets rather messy though, so I hope you don't get too confused. I would like to know if you guys prefer me to write more " serious " fics or whether I should brush up my comic act first. Am I any good with humour ? Oh well. Anyway minna, all and ANY feedback is appreciated, and any e-mail of all kinds ( 'cept chain letters ) are welcome in my ravenous little inbox at shadow1@cyberway.com.sg. Enjoy the story and ja ne ! Iris _______________________________________________________________________ THE BIG QUESTION Rated PG _______________________________________________________________________ 1999, August 3, 8.00 AM _______________________________________________________________________ This was it. The Day. It was such a big event that it deserved to said in capital letters. It was the one which he'd planned so meticulously for weeks. Okay, days. Fine, last afternoon yesterday. Hey, it was his first attempt right ? ( And hopefully his last one, if things went as planned ). One should give credit to the fact that he'd actually managed to whip up such a grand plan in just one afternoon. One major section of his brain, the one that had toned down, ( in public at least ), ever since he'd met his Usako, muttered *Yeah right* Ignoring Sarcastic's rude comment, Mamoru more-than-happily allowed Violent, the other section of his mind, ( who had a BALL when he was under Beryl's control ! ) to beat him into submission while good 'ol Common Sense, the normal, most prominent part of him that was _usually_ in control, watched the one-sided fight in resigned detachment. Besides, he was sure that things would turn out just fine. He was practically _guarenteed_ ( or your money back ) to succeed. *Go get her Tuxedo-Kamen-sama ! She won't be able to resist you* Ego abruptly popped out of nowhere and cheered with two furry neon-pink pom-poms, sending a flood of confidence through his veins. An arrogant, wolfish smirk curled Mamoru's lips suddenly. Heck, how many guys in the world had their future kid come back to the past and prove they would be married ? Besides, it wasn't as if she didn't love him. So there was nothing to be nervous about really. Nope. Nothing at all. Now, if only that churning feeling in his stomach would just subside .... that was when Nervous suddenly showed up in that oh-so- crowded blank of our beloved Mamo-chan's brain, twiddling his adorable little thumbs, while watching the other chibi-Mamorus with a worried expression in his shifting, can't-make-up-my-mind grey-blue eyes. *But what if she doesn't .... hmmmhhrrumoohh* his annoying, whiny voice was cut off abruptly by a gag that the other Mamorus stuffed into his mouth. Violent then promptly thwacked Nervous with his patented $ 9.99 Tuxedo Kamen cane, leaving the little chibi-Mamoru senseless on the ground with its eyes spiraling. @ _ @ ; Chiba Mamoru glanced out of the window at the sky. It was a bright, sunny day, with a cloudless blue sky and birds singing sweetly. The perfect day to propose to his one and only love in the world. Drama, the part of him that showed up whenever he became Tuxedo Mask and said those Hallmarky Haikus, declared ... well, dramatically ( where the heck did those trumpets come from anyway ? ) *TODAY IS THE DAY. THE DAY WHICH SHALL BE MARKED IN CALENDERS FOR CENTURIES TO COME. THE DAY THAT ALL CITIZENS OF CRYSTAL TOKYO WILL RECOGNIZE AS THE DAY THAT THEIR OH-SO-HANDSOME-AND-MAJESTIC-AND- CHARMING-AND-FEARLESS KING ENDYM....URMSHURPKKKSH* Drama's dramatic speech ( the last part of which was written by Ego ) was cut-off midway by Violent and Common Sense, who had had ENOUGH of those cliched Hallmark-card speeches. They jumped Drama, gagged him firmly, then tied him up and threw him into the bottomless er.. bottom of Mamoru's mental well. Mamoru, of course, silently ignored all of this. He'd had 24 years to get used to all those voices in his head after all. A hand reached into the bedside drawer and pulled out a small blue velvet jewelry box. It was ( ONLY ) the 104th time he'd checked to see that it was still there since he'd bought it yesterday afternoon at Tiffany and Co. ( Courtesy of Nervous. ) Trembling, his fingers reverently lifted the lid. It had taken him hours to find it, but when he saw the ring sparkling under the glass counter, he'd immediately _known_ that it was _the_ ring. It was beautiful - a heart-shaped white diamond with the slightest hint of rosy pink, like a delicate blush, surrounded by smaller,circular diamonds, set in glimmering gold. Gently he took out the ring, letting it rest in his palm, admiring the way the flawless facets of the gem captured the early morning sun's rays. It had eaten ( devoured, actually ) almost all the savings in his bank, ( Both Thrify and Common Sense had protested violently, before being slapped into submission by Romance and Violent - a lethal combination if there ever was one ) but it was worth it if it would win him the ( small and slim and ah, so wonderfully soft ) hand of Tsukino Usagi. Ah, Usako. The sound of her very name was sacred to him, made his heart spasm and his pulse race. His moon princess, his bunny, his one and only love. She was so beautiful, so sweet, so pure and ... innocent ( though she was probably [ what probably ??!! ] going to lose that " pure and innocent bit " AFTER their wedding ... That long-neglected part of him, smirked and drooled in barely concealed anticipation, causing the other Chibi-Mamorus to slap the above- mentioned Sex-Drive in disgust ) and kind and ...... A dreamy Love-sick was going slightly overboard here in one of his regular speeches about his blonde angel, but for once, Common Sense didn't interrupt. Even the other chibi-Mamorus didn't cut in. And Violent had a soft look in his normally fierce amber-speckled cobalt blue eyes. Romance smirked smugly. *About time* And thus the litany continued ... ( Hey, it doesn't happen that often in the anime so bear with me, okay ? ) He didn't deserve her, didn't deserve to have a gorgeous angel in his life, but the wonderful and blessed truth was that he had her, and that fact was enough to send him into that familiar giddy bliss. It had been six years since the first time they'd met. Six long, incredible years that seemed like a blissful, rose-tinted eternity since he'd fallen helplessly in love with her. He wanted her to be with him forever, to be officially recog- nized by all to be a wedded couple, so that everyone looking would know without a doubt that she was his, and he was hers. ( Sarcastic rolled his eyes * Why don't you just label the two of you with stickers that say HANDS OFF SOLD AND PAID FOR* ) And he wanted to see her everyday, by his side. He wanted to wake up in the morning to see her slim body ( At this point Sex-Drive passed out from the gouts of blood splurting from his nose ) sprawled across the messy bed-sheets, snoring like thunder, her long blonde hair spread haphazardly over the white pillows like golden sunlight. To have her greet him with her patented Usagi Bear Hug that would crush his ribs ( *no wonder we want to go into the medical business* Sarcastic muttered caustically before getting smacked by Romance ) when he came home from work. To eat the messy curry dinner she would prepare, and groan at the disaster she'd created in his kitchen in order to make it. He wanted all of it, and more. ( *ESPECIALLY the more part* Sex-Drive grinned lasciviously before getting pummeled by Romance for spoiling the mood ) Which was why he had decided to propose to her today. He suppressed that nervous, hollow feeling in his stomach and concentrated instead on the way the ring sparkled in the light. There was no reason why he would fail. No reason at all. *Except for the fact that Usako might just ...* * SHADDUPP !!! * All the Chibi-Mamorus piled up and crushed Self-Doubt, Nervous's twin brother, under a giant, all-for-one tackle. Chiba Mamoru groaned. _______________________________________________________________________ 1999, August 3, 5.30 PM _______________________________________________________________________ Chiba Mamoru was usually not prone to hysterics. ( Common Sense and Violent usually got to Self-Doubt and Nervous in time and tied them up before they could do anything ). In fact, he was known to his colleagues at work as a cool, calm, nothing-can-get-to-me person who would remain unruffled even if told that girls in really, really short and incredibly sexy skirts ( Heh, heh, heh ... Sex-Drive really had a thing for those sailor fukus. In a nutshell, kinky. *G* ) had just saved the city from complete and utter destruction by terrifying aliens from outer space. If they could only see the stoic, marble-cool young man tearing out his hair right now searching for matching napkins to complement that special table-cloth and lilac-scented ( Hey, you can't REEK of roses ALL the time right ? ) candlesticks he'd used for the dinning table, they would have discovered a small but well-known fact among guys ------> Scary youmas, strange apparitions, monstrous aliens and even watching the Teletubbies show over and over again on TV was NOTHING compared to the horrors of preparing for that special evening to propose to the girl of your dreams. ( Well, maybe not as scary as watching Teletubbies go " Oh-oh " for the 60th millionth time, but pretty darn scary in its own right. ) Note : Coincidentally, if anyone flames the author of this fic for bashing the Teletubbies, she would like the reply that you are one sick, mentally-stunted puppy who should drink more milk to stimulate growth in the cerebum. ( Unless you're a lawyer for the Teletubbies company or something, in which case the above was all written by my 16 year old brother. Ahem. ) He looked at the clock again. Preparing for dinner had proved to be more time-consuming than he'd expected. Of course, that COULD be because Usagi had completely wiped out the grocery stocks in refrigerator the last time she'd visited. He'd had to run to the grocery store thrice for last-minute items, and at five o'clock he'd suddenly remembered flowers. What was a romantic dinner without nice flowers ? That had resulted in a _long_ walk around Tokyo searching for the perfect bouquet of roses to present to his Usako. Finally he'd settled for an elegant bouquet of red, white and pink roses which had cost him almost all the money in his wallet. It'd been worth it though. Until he remembered the fact that as Tuxedo Kamen, he had the power to conjure up any number of roses. Oh well. There went seventy-five bucks down the drain. Common Sense had shut-down due to the overwhelming presence of Romance and his twin, Love-sick, who always left Common Sense horribly Confused. Thrify strangled Common Sense later, after he'd discovered the grievous money-loss. Luckily ( or unluckily, depending on how you saw it ) Common Sense had been too unconscious to even feel it. Still, the roses were absolutely beautiful, ( *almost, Ego sniffed haughtily, as good as the ones he conjured* )the fresh, dewy petals brilliant with color, and arranged tastefully in a bunch, tied together with shiny white silk ribbon in an elaborate bow. ( Now THAT was something he COULDN'T conjure up. ) By five-thirty he'd made the soya sauce marinade for the chicken and was setting the table. Then he'd washed all the expensive salad greens that he'd purchased. This dinner was certainly burning a hole in his wallet. It would be worth it though, if it would persuade his princess to marry him. ( Of course, he might have to sell off his motorcycle to pay off the debts, but that's another story for another day. ^_^ ) He then started the prepartion for the _incredibly_ complicated potatoes Helen. This was supposed to be the most impressive dish on the table. The picture in the cookbook showed a mouth-watering, golden-brown casserole that persuaded him to attempt cooking it even though he'd never tried anyone as complicated as that dish before. After all, when in doubt, the best way to win Tsukino Usagi's heart was through her stomach. ( All the little Chibi-Mamorus nodded wisely, shaking their oversized little potato heads sagely here. *G* ) Anyway, what was so difficult about making a stupid little potato dish ? ( Ego grinned and cracked his joints as he prepared himself, flooding Mamoru's veins with a rush of machoistic confidence ) Mamoru prided himself as a relatively competent cook, having had to make his own meals all the time he'd lived in his apartment by himself. " This is going to be a snap, " Mamoru smiled confidently, snapping his fingers decisively. Nervous groaned and tried to say something but was unfortunately still gagged. Famous last words. _______________________________________________________________________ 1999, August 3, 6.45 P.M _______________________________________________________________________ " Whoever Helen was, I hate her ! " Mamoru cursed loudly ( and quite fluently, I might add ) , not caring for once if his neighbours heard him cussing. The smart, intelligent ( * handsome, romantic, stud- muffin* Ego went on for a bit before getting hit again ) final-year Medical student did not frequently swear, but he felt that he was being given sufficient provokation. Violent was jumping up and down in frustration and all the other Chibi-Mamorus were unable to contain the lightning-flashing, steel- tipped rose-throwing Violent. Dinner was turning out to be a fiasco. His normally spotless, immaculate kitchen was smoking, the white-tiled walls stained dirty grey by the choking black smoke fuming from his oven door. * Flashback * After he'd finally finished the fiendishly difficult casserole dish at 6.15, he'd shoved it into his oven and left to soak in a long, relaxing hot bath and contemplate the wonderful evening ahead........ Unfortunately, he'd been so exhuasted by all the running around and the hot, messy cooking and unwarranted ( hopefully ) worrying about the proposal that he'd fallen asleep, floating in the bathtub. ( All you perverts stop looking so intently ! You're not gonna find a picture of this scene, OK ? ) His internal clock had finally woken him up to the pungent odour of burnt potatoes, and the sight of his bathroom flooded with water that was still gushing out of the taps. After he'd closed the taps, drained out some of the water, and yanked on a towel, he'd rushed to the kitchen and yanked open the oven door to find the casserole dish charred beyond recognition. All the Chibi-Mamorus were now advancing towards a now conscious and currently terrified Common Sense, whom they had unanimously decided was the one whose fault the whole fiasco happened. *WHERE THE *@!$@!@# were you !!!* Violent growled. Common Sense gulped. *You KNOW I can't function well with Love-Sick and Romance around !! * *Hey, don't put the blame on US !* Love-Sick and Romance simultaneously yelled. *Shut-up all of you ! Who's gonna pay for all of this ?!! The landlord's gonna evict us over this !! And the WATER-BILL !! * Thrify moaned, flailing his tiny arms around. " Aho-tachi. " Sarcastic's little comment on the scene. From that point on, a scuffle between all the chibi-Mamorus was inevitable. " Great, just great, " Mamoru groaned in frustration, kicking his foot on the oven door, then spent the next five minutes hopping up and down on one foot wincing ( very loudly, I might add ) in pain. ( Sarcastic rolled his icy blue eyes here. ) His frantic blue eyes swung wildly to the clock. 15 minutes. 15 minutes. The ticks sounded unusually loud in his confused mind. He'd told Usagi to arrive at his apartment promptly at seven o'clock, no excuses. Now what was he going to do ? His kitchen was smoking, his bedroom was flooded, his casserole was burnt to a crisp, and his chicken was still stone cold because he'd forgotten to put it in the oven. Not that it would have done any good, since it would have probably gone up in flames like the casserole. " What else can POSSIBLY go wrong ? " he moaned loudly, throwing his arms up in despair. *DONT'T ASK THAT !!!* All the chibi-Mamorus looked up from their scuffle to yell in too-late warnings. As if to answer his question, the sky suddenly gave an ominous rumble, and lightning flashed in a jagged white streak across the black clouds before a strong downpour of rain fell. And Mamoru suddenly recalled that his motorcycle was in the garage for fixing, his car had just ran out gas that afternoon, and that Usagi absolutely Refused ( note the capital letters here, guys ) to go out in thunderstorms unless he went personally to fetch her. " That was a RHETORICAL QUESTION, DAMNIT !!! " Mamoru yelled at the sky. Common Sense sighed, slapping his hand-print embedded forehead. Violent growled sulkily, shredding his Tuxedo Kamen roses. Sarcastic was making wise-ass cracks, smirking and nodding as if this was what he had expected all along. Nervous and Self-Doubt gloomly predicted that the evening was going to get worse. Sex-Drive was dreamily fantasizing over what Usagi would be wearing on their honeymoon ( hopefully nothing ), still slobbering like a dog. Drama was acting out his badly scripted ( aren't they always? ) apology speech to Usagi. Thrify was frantically going over the account-book he kept around and calculating how many hours Mamoru would have to work over- time in order to clear the amount of money he'd spent. Romance and Love-sick just groaned. _______________________________________________________________________ Hmmm... now you know why our beloved Mamo-chan is wishy-washy and a little ... schizophrenic huh ? Heck, the poor guy's got 3 identities, it's only NATURAL he develops mutiple split personalites !! Question of the Week : If the cast of SailorMoon were cakes, what sort of cakes would they be ? Dear old Mamo-chan here would be, in my opinion, be a nutcake. With chocolate icing of course. *G* _______________________________________________________________________ |