• The one time of year you go out, chop down a tree, drag it inside and put shit on it
• And then a little while later throw it away
• The one morning when you wake up and piles of shit you didn’t have to pay for is there, waiting for you
• Wow, I love the piles of free shit
• The time of year when everyone bitches at everyone else, because they’re pussies and cannot handle stress
• The time when I get to bitch at people and can use that as an excuse, so I don’t have to listen to incessant “Asshole!” being yelled at me
• When people fight over meaningless toys
• Case in point, Tickle Me Elmo
• Holiday sex
• Holiday hummers
• Christmas is TNT running a God damn “A Christmas Story” marathon…I mean, really, no one likes that movie. It’s like fruitcake, everyone has it, no one enjoys it
• People getting drunk
• Really drunk
• Everyone spending themselves into debt
• Those fucking hippie Salvation Army dicks who ring that shrill bell that gives me a headache
• Me, shooting the Salvation Army hippies
• The News channels running sappy Christmas stories…no one cares
• All those damn old-school claymation Christmas movies
• Bumbles don’t bounce fuckhead, they don’t exist
• People dressing their animals in little Christmas costumes…Vermont isn’t even as gay as that
• Really, Christmas is only about presents. And all I have to say is, Amen to that. I love presents. Forget the whole religion part, no one does that anymore. All we want is things. And that’s the way it should be.