"A bone to the dog is not charity.
Charity is the bone shared with the dog, when you are just as hungry as the dog."
-- Jack London
. 
8/7/00 Nightmares.
I know, I know... I haven't updated my page for nearly 2-weeks. I apologize, I have probably been more depressed in the past couple of weeks than I have ever been in my life... and desperately attemping to conceal it. I'm not sure if it's working though. Instead, I'm skipping meals, losing sleep and having nightmares.

Can you believe it I'm having nightmares.
Nightmares about work, and home and the inability to keep all the "plates spinning on the sticks".

Calvin was telling me about a nightmare that he had the other day, and it alost made me cry. In his dream. the whole family was on a roadtrip. Calvin turned to look at something, and when he looked back up, I was gone... and nobody was driving! In his nightmare, Monica was unable, or unwilling to drive the car, so Calvin climbed into the front seat of the out-of control car.
"But dad.. I'm just a kid, I crashed the car and killed everybody."
Usually I'm pretty bad at interpreting dreams, but this one is so obvious, at least to me: Calvin first off is deathly afraid of being abandoned... he has seen it first hand, his cousins are living with us as a direct result of abandonment, I think Calvin also knows that he can't rely on Mom to take care of the "grown-up" duties... since she is "sick" so often.

The events of this weekend probably helped that fear grow just a little bit more. Monica gets her refills on Mondays... By the end of the day Wednesday she has run out. Monica has spent 4 straight days pretty much immobile.

It may sound bad, but...Thank God it's Monday.

"sweet dreams"
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