I should feel better.

The big projects have been completed, I've taken a few days off.
I should feel better than I do. I feel lonely and depressed.
I went on a field trip to Mt. St. Helens with Calvin's third grade class last Thursday, took Friday off, I came in to work on Monday, but my co-worker; Todd was out sick, I took a sick day yesterday... came to work this morning, and Todd is still out sick.

Maybe I let myself "spin-down a little too far", maybe the void where all that direction and activity was... seems a little more empty since all the work ended so abruptly. It's like when you are in a noisy public place, and everybody stops talking all at once, and you get that uncomfortable feeling waiting for the ambient noise to return.

Maybe this feeling is the Pollens and Histamines sparring. When it comes to pollen, I have the worst allergies in the world, bar none. Ever since I was a little boy, when the Scotch Broom began blooming, I would sneeze, my nose would run like a river, and worst of all my eyes would get insanely itchy and swollen. I'm sure that the 7 kittens are cat had a few weeks ago aren't helping. The antihistamines and decongestants put me into a zombie state, and generally don't releive my symptoms.

I took the day off yesterday because I didn't feel well.
Naturally Monica felt worse. Everybody in the family got over this "bug" in about 24 hours... Monica is on Day-4, and yesterday she was in a foul mood. She said stuff that really hurt my feelings-

about how messy the house was (though I am the only one that does anything about it. If it's gonna get better, I'm gonna need a little help.)

and about how uncaring I seemed to be about her bout with the flu. (It's hard to muster that kind of concern, when she is sick several day every week. It's the flu, not Typhoid... take your Nyquil and stop your whining.)

and about how un-loving and un-affectionate I have been. (that's my fault? my sole responsibility? Am I supposed to make dinner reservations when there is a less than 50% chance that Monica will feel well enough to make it happen? She hasn't been to our friends' Jon & Carla's house in over 18 months, and they live about a mile and a half a way. She's the one who has to watch reruns of "The Profiler" on Court TV at midnight, after watching the exact same episode when it aired at 7pm.) She said I seemed like I had "checked-out of the marriage". I think she has checked out of life. Her life is revolving around fewer and fewer things, and fewer people (her mother lives 2 doors down). If the world outside of our cul de sac suddenly disappeared, but the cable service continued, and her perscriptions were filled... it would be weeks before she would find out. Of course I didn't actually say any of the things in parenthesis...if I ever did, I wouldn't need this journal any more.

"Sigh."

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