Alive
By Kristen Bartlett
Copyright © 1999, All Rights Reserved
I love you. Because you're you. Because
I decided months ago that I'd let
myself love again, because there's only
so much time we have left here. I knew
that I could never have you. I realized
it when we were together, and you
looked at me and said something. I don't
remember what you said, because I
confess - I wasn't listening. And I saw
you look from me to her. And she didn't
notice, because frankly she didn't care.
But your eyes flickered then. And I
realized my biggest fear was happening.
The one thing I didn't want to happen
did. In fact, I knew it before you did.
Still I'm the stupid one. I am. Not
you. If this is your idea of a joke,
then you're really sick. Because you
can't make yourself stop loving someone
. . . just as you can't make yourself
start. It just happens for some reason.
Because the flowers are pretty or the
wine tastes good. Because the sky is
particularly blue on one particular day.
Because you smiled at me when I really
needed a smile. And I understand. If
this is real . . . what you feel for her
. . . if this is real, then maybe I
understand how you're feeling. Because
you can't help liking one of my closest
friends. God, I wish it could've been
anyone else in the world, but no, you
couldn't be like that; you had to go
with someone close. You hurt me. I
couldn't say it before, but now. Now, I
can tell the truth. You ripped me
apart with three words. And she doesn't
like you back. How does that make you
feel? Well, it relieves me. Selfish, am
I? So what? It makes me feel so much
better. It makes me feel like maybe I'm
not the only one with the screwed up
fate. I'm not like you; I know it
wouldn't have worked out between us if
something did happen. If I didn't know
any better, I'd say you were better
than me. I'll get over you, though. Even
though it burns so much now. I'll get
over you, and you won't think I'm the
same girl. You'll want me then, I can
predict it; I can see it happening. But
it'll be wrong. I'll be a bitch and
fall in love with your best friend. I
can't be friends with you anymore. And I
can't be friends with her either. I
won't be able to look at her without
thinking, "He likes her. He likes her
and he doesn't like me." I think I
understand the whole arranged marriage
system now. Because if I already know
who I'm going to end up with, I wouldn't
have to worry about getting hurt now.
The world, it doesn't work well with me.
Sure, I know the truth. I'm alone.
I'm alone, yeah, but I've never . . .
ever . . . felt so alive.
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