Eden:November 26. To All of You Who Think I Am “Fine:” I am writing this letter because I am in so deep, there is no way to verbally express my feelings. My tongue is nonfunctional and my fingers have taken over. Might as well come out and say it off the top: at this moment I have officially reached the bottom. I do not think it is possible to go any lower. Well, I’m sure some of you will be happy to know that I am out of denial. I know what I have to do now after some soul searching. Basically I have decided that for me, this is my destiny. This is how I am supposed to live my life – the persona and the shadow reigns supreme. I have not shown any of you a whole view of the shadow – some have seen little glimpses, but really, who wants to see the real thing? That would be too depressing and unfair to all of you. Nobody wants to deal with someone who exceeds the baggage limit. How ironic – the girl who needs counselling ends up giving out the advice.
I decided not to lie to myself anymore.
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who has contributed to my increasing feeling of isolation. Yes, I am alone. I am truly alone. If I wasn’t alone, why would I be writing this, fucknut? And oh yes, I have some evidence to back up my claims. Let’s mention the telephone conversations when I tried to talk about issues only for a change in topic to YOUR life (which, I understand is so much more important). And what about the warning signs ignored? I realize that my baggage is heavy and emotionally straining. You might be asking, why didn’t she just ask for help? Ah, if life was that simple and I could just blow all of your minds and then everything would be okay. That is one thing about myself. I only bluntly ask for help when I lose complete control (i.e. not thinking straight which translates into drunkenness) or the pain surpasses unbearable limits. But, after those single conversations, everything goes back to normal and it is like nothing happened. It is not easy to go up to someone and say flat out, “I need help.” I am not emotionally strong enough to do that and I am afraid of the reaction. Instead, I have my little dramatic cries and I prayed that maybe, oh maybe, somebody would catch on. Nope, only got blind eyes. And then I try to say, to explain, and the topic is changed or I need more rest.
Oh, don’t use the “you didn’t want me to watch over you argument” because that is taking the backdoor while making yourself feel better. That is right – I do not want you to watch over me. I do not want you to be calling me up everyday asking how many times I purged or, if I am on one of my weekly starvation fests, or if I have had anything to eat, or if I have been mental breaking down today, etc. etc.. You are not responsible for my eating habits, and I realize that. But would it kill you all once and a while to ask how I was doing? Would it kill any of you if I drop one of my hints to inquire just a little bit? Would it kill you guys to make me feel a little bit comfortable? Oh, I’m sorry, that would take up too much of your time. How self-absorbed am I? Why the hell do I have the right to attack you all like this? You see, I used to drop hints because I was hoping that someone did care about me out there. But, I was wrong.
So, if you are open minded enough to get to this point, wow! Good for you…move to the front of the morality class genius.
To stay with the theme, you might as well know that this disease has completely destroyed my life. I am no longer afraid of dying; in fact, I wish the self-destruction would hurry the fuck up. Yes ladies and gentlemen, the Eden that you know doesn’t really exist – she is an act and the real me is this horrible, unbalanced person who eat too much from the monster. The nice, sweet, caring and pure Eden gave up a long time. Oh, yes another counter argument not to use: don’t pull that you’re not alone you can call me anytime shit because you know that I can’t. What would you like me to say for the fourth phone call in a day? Oh I feel like purging again…whatever. From the constant brush offs and avoidance it was made obvious to me that I would suffer alone. You just will never know. Yes, this is my destiny. I have accepted and embraced this fact and have found some inner peace. There is no more denial – this is the way I am meant to live my life. I have been down so many recovery roads and none of them work because, if they did, what the fuck am I doing? Oh yeah, did I mention that I am a addict as well – that is if you call smoking pot at least four times a week an addiction. But of course I have a reason. Like last night – smoke the pot and all the pain floats away. For the first time in a long time, I couldn’t feel my body dying (and yes there are moments when I feel my body dying). All the cramps, feeling cold, easy bruising, chest pains, shortness of breath, fainting spells escaped my head since I was numb. And then they came back full force in the morning and the cycle begins again. The only thing left to do is to sit back and let nature take its course. I fucked around with nature and now I am suffering the consequences – seems only fair.
This is all I think about. This is why the essays are not done and this is why I seem so distant. I am completely consumed. Understandable…but very selfish…how dare I? You might be asking yourself why I am writing this then. Let’s just say this is a big “fuck you”. Fuck you all. Thank you so much for nothing except for adding so much unneeded stress to my life and not taking the time out from your obsessions to ask me about mine! Yes, I am selfish – I am there for all of your emotional turmoils, and then I become this bitter bitch when nobody is there for me. And now there is nothing anybody can do because your efforts will be pointless – I have grasped my fate and ready to live it out.
Drowning in the bathtub…nobody reaching a hand…always shoved around…convinced that nobody really cares…history once again repeating itself…so irate and absorbed…where did this come from…I do what I can I do what I can I do what I can I have a life too and because I have a life too it is more important so don’t even think about bringing it up… Be with you in a sec…just have to plug in the hairdryer…
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