I don't know how it started. Wait, no. That's a lie. I know how it started, but I don't know how it got out of control. "Just a few pounds", I kept telling myself. "Once you drop a two sizes then everything will be back to normal."
I have never considered myself overweight. However, I knew that I was a little chunkier on the bottom half then what I was supposed to be. It didn't help when my friend and I were talking about having trouble fitting jeans. She said, "You're so different. You are so tiny on top and then round out. Mis-proportioned." After that, I decided that I was going to exercise and lose the weight. I worked out every day after school and on weekends. I only eat low calorie food and I only lost a pound in a few months. So, I started to skip meals. Not eating lunch was not such a big deal. My school has a messed up schedule, the lunch hour was at eleven o'clock, and I wasn't hungry anyway. Then, I stopped eating breakfast. After awhile I would lie to my parents, saying that I ate during my break at work when in fact I tossed my supper that my mom packed for me out.
This went on for a long time. Yes, I found that my energy level was down, but I started to lose the weight and for the first time in my life I looked at myself and thought that I looked good. I looked slim. Once and a while I would allow myself to eat a small salad or a fruit bar, but only if I was going to workout afterwards. Then, my plan started to fall apart. My parents started to notice and say things. My friends and teachers started to notice and say things. My supervisor started to notice and say things. I always just smiled and said that I have been working out and losing the weight the right way, when in fact I was doing it the wrong way. To make a long story short, my parents figured out that I wasn't eating and made me eat with them. By this point, the sight of food makes me sick, which led me to my other method of weight control.
Now, I can't stop. I am so obsessed and I know that something is wrong with me. But is it so wrong to want to be thin? Now people look at me and notice me. Now boys think that I am attractive. I want to be attractive. I want to wear the trendy clothes. I want to look good but how can I keep this size if start to eat regularly? I can't. That's right, I can't. I know what I am doing is wrong, but it is the only way and I have accepted that. I have decided that I have survived this far and I will continue to survive. Once you have experience the feeling of going into a jeans store and having no frustrations, there is no way that you are going back. Nope, there is no going back now. I'll just have to keep trying to fool mom and dad and keep exercising. (pause) You get used to the hungry feeling after awhile. (pause) Listen to me. Listen to me. I have a problem. I have a big problem and my vanity is keeping me from getting help. I need help. I really need help but I can't have my cake and eat it too. Cake……eating…….I need something…….something to tie me over…….I'll get a glass of water……..
C. Clarke August 1998
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