Easter Sunday. Nova on TV, "The Most Dangerous Woman in America." It rained today. Three hats in three days. A brown scarf, cable knit.
I got a C on my math final. That means my test average is officially a C-. If my homework brings me so low that I fail, I will cry. I will seriously cry. I'm SOOO close to passing!!!
"Please be as concise as possible, continuing on a separate sheet if necessary." ~ from an RA application form. Contrary, no? =)
You know how I kicked off my first day of Spring Break? With a night of 14-hour sleep.
1 hour and 20 minutes until my statistics final.
I hate school. I am not doing well. And what have I been doing? Sleeping. What crap. I don't need sleep.
This felt just like last quarter, except its slightly better now. This point of inevitability...haha that sounds like something i learned last quarter....where everything points to failure. There's no plan I can come up with that suggests hope. If I do one thing, another thing loses. I have seriously never EVER tried so hard just to hold on to anything. I've tried really hard to be better at things....but right now, everything is one millimeter out of my grasp. "Grasping at straws", I think the term is.
I'm so sad and pissed off....I'm freaking out right now. FREAKING OUT.
I can't say anything that I want to say right now. I need to talk.
I know I'm blushing right now because the back of my neck feels hot and I'm getting dizzy. Dude. I feel like such an effing moron. Why didn't someone tell me earlierrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I was eating my midnight snack when Sonya and Kristin started talking about high school. I miss you guys. So much.
I liked thinking that we were the little dorks in high school and the times we went down to the beach with two pints of ice cream and magazines or coffee just to talk were some of the best times of my life. I liked that you all studied ALL the TIME. And that we never cut school or that if we did we got nervous and silly (and then went to Barnes and Noble to study all day). I loved that we had cake for people's birthdays and ate them out of dixie cups. I loved going to the movies and musicals and that we never had to drink together to have a good time. I like that you know you can crush and not do anything about it but we talked about them anyway for endless hours.
I don't know if things right now are the same as I remember them...this was the longest summer of my life...
But ... do you want to know what I miss most about school itself? I miss that my closest friends were in five hundred AP classes and studied their asses off for all of them. I loved that when I saw how high all of you achieved, it motivated me to try harder. You seriously don't know how much you inspired me. I don't have that anymore. I really don't know if I'm strong enough to do this on my own.
I know right now you're thinking that I could go off and find myself a study group and watch whatever performance is going on at the Mondavi center and come home to SF every weekend, but it's just not the same. There was some cosmic allignment that made that time magical for me. God. I am such a romantic. But would you have it any other way? I hope not.
Today I cleaned my fish tank. While I left for 20 seconds to get a little baggie to use as a net, Lindy jumped out of his bowl and onto the laundry room floor. This poor girl in there was terrified because she saw the whole thing. I scooped Lindy up and put him back into his tank. He stayed very still for a long time. He was breathing heavily (I could tell because his gills were working overtime) and I decided to leave him alone for awhile. I was so scared. I love my fish. He is suicidal. =(
I fed him a couple of hours ago, and so far, he's kept it down. Keep him in your prayers. I think he'll be ok.
* Do whatever you want with me, I guarantee you in 2 years I will forget all the bad things and only remember the sweet times. I have amnesia like that. Please be gentle with me.
I'm not even going to explain how wonderfully hilarious my past two days have been because it has left me deliciously exhausted.
I took my first final today. ECS 30 is finally over! Yaaaay.
I want to kill her. Isn't that awful? I want to make her die. Ewww. Well then YOU'RE stupid. My gosh. Its like Davis specifically picks people to be RAs that are so mind-dumbingly uncool and uncultured that you spend all night in your room trying to be good just so they will never come in. For someone who wants to be a sociology major, you are awfully small-minded. Dear god, do I feel bad for her residents next year.
I lost my pictures. =(. =( =( =(. I refuse to move out until I find them. Have you seen them?
I know somewhere in this world Law and Order is going to be playing tonight. I just have to find that channel. Heehee.
She wears a smile everywhere she goes
OH My GOODness.
I haven't been working on this program for very long, but I've known about it for amost a week now, so it feels like I have. Hopefully office hours will clear some of my questions up.
Hahahahaahhaha you wanna know what's on my TV right now? Nashville Star. In case the name didn't give away the purpose of the show, imagine American Idol, but with country singers. That's exactly what it is. At the moment, this woman who I'm pretty sure was originally British is on stage. She has a pretty thick British and Southern accent. Its a cool combo.
I'll tell you a secret. I watched this show last week too. I want that British/Southern girl to win. Or maybe Jason Taylor.
I feel reluctant to go to bed tonight because I have a feeling tomorrow's going to be a big day...
I think that Chris and Kristin have a thing going on.........I don't remember the last time I called someone and said, "Hey, do you wanna come and say goodnite to me?" and not have ulterior motives. Oooooh juicy gossip.
Let us all breathe a silent sigh of relief that we were the last class to evade the SAT Reasoning Test, 4 hours of testing, and price hikes. What lucky bitches we are.
I didn't know people still sold through mail order. I wanted the Naked Boys Singing! CD, but unfortunately it'll take 4 to 6 weeks to get to me, and that's after I send the check. I keep forgetting to refil my checkbook.
I'm 20/120 done with my ECS assignment..........I am SO ready for this to be over. . . . ! ! !!!!!!
My brain is melting out of my head.
What a fucking ass I am. I password protected documents on my computer but now I don't remember the passwords. Fucking ass.
Hehehe. No. I have lost the ability to think. I could go to office hours on Wednesday.....they really did help me today! I mean, yesterday.
I'm listening to 'N Sync's Christmas album. Why?
Happy birthday, Paul!
But my brain knows better
It picks you up and turns you around
Turns you around, turns you around
I'm running out of things to do instead of my homework. Quick! Think of some and psychically get it to me!
I remember a time where I felt that you would not approve of some of the things I chose to do. Therefore I never told you, but kept it a secret. That is, I kept it a secret until the proper time to tell came. I do not regret not telling you earlier, for that would have changed this whole timeline and we would be living a universe parallel to the one I call this one. But I do find it funny that you now indulge yourself more than I do or did.
I kind of take back dissing some movies because of their "stupid" content. I guess some things just become more difficult as you grow older.
I LOVE having written down things from years ago. Although I feel that I have lost my wit since then ... (is it possible that I never had it?) I crack myself up remembering stupid situations we got into and the things we said. Ohmygod. You will probably never know, but there are days that I think about my childhood and I look back on the times we had with a mixture of awe, longing, and giddiness. Life has forced us to be where we are today, and that is apart from each other, but our experiences were concentrated into the short period of time we had. (Because this is Hell Week and I cannot stop thinking about something school related, here comes an awful simile likening our time together with a viticulture refernce: our experiences were concentrated into the short period of time we had, just as the sugar in a grape is concentrated when it is infected with botrytis. Don't worry, botrytis is a good thing.)
Christina is continuing her nightly ritual of looking at Korean websites so I don't feel so bad about not doing homework. I'll hear, "Cynthia, are you doing homework?" To which I will respond, "No." and the next half hour, the conversation is repeated. "Christina, are you doing homework?" "No." It's been going on like that for awhile.
I LOVE: Diaries, coffee, not doing homework, hearing people call other people "lover" and "honey," being up at 2 in the morning trying to do the splits with my roommates, my fish, watching my fish eat, taking pictures, dorky teachers, my grapevines, sleeeeeeeeeeeeeep.
I DON'T LIKE: insomnia, hunger, unhappiness...I'm being generic because at 3 in the morning, my brain is so sleep deprived that it is happy. Too happy to think of things I don't like. EXCEPT FERNS. I don't like ferns ever. Not even at 3 in the morning. Ew ew ew ew.
I think happiness owes a certain amount to sleep deprivation. CONTROLLED sleep deprivation. Like maybe 2 hours less per night than what you're supposed to be getting.
...I obviously have no idea what I'm thinking about.
Time: 3:26 AM
Me: "Christina, are you doing homework?"
Me: "Neither am I. We are not good for each other."
Christina: "I know....Kristin's doing something else, too!"
Kristin: "I'm IMing Amanda."
(Amanda is at the P.A.Phi bros' house)
Me: "Tell her she stays there so much we're gonna start renting out her room."
Amanda (via IM): "Tell her that if she makes money off my room I'm gonna kill Linder or whatever the hell of the name that fish is. I'm gonna barbecue it"
**Kristin relays this message, literally crying from laughing so hard**
Christina: ::laughter:: "That fish is fucking small. She can't even eat it. What is Amanda thinking?"
I did not know that Red Dragon was part of the whole Silence of the Lambs/Hannibal series. Anthony Hopkins is so creepy. That guy from Keeping the Faith is in this too. What is his name? Gosh that's going to bother me. They're both awesome actors.
Heehee I was actually planning on doing my comp science hw, but the server went down again! awww I really did want to do work this time.
Yesterday I cleaned up after my messy roommates. I cleaned the microwave, I washed my dishes, I'm not gonna wash theirs this time, though. Today I cleaned the floor. None of them are ever here, so they don't have time to clean. I wish they did, though.
We slide from top to bottom and we turn and climb again
Professor: I've got some good news and some bad news
Professor: So if I had to make up some good news, what would it be?
Class: ::crestfallen faces::
Professor: The good news is that the TAs graded your midterms generously. The bad news is that they graded so generously that I had to regade them.
My good news? My TA gave me a 92 on my midterm. My bad news: my professor took away 7 points.
"I might explode someday soon."
(I have to wake up in two hours. Oh dear god.)
Ok. I have a little problem with the months of the year. Namely, I cannot remember which one we are in. I just wished Ashley a happy belated birthday because I thought her birthday was March 7th when it was really JANUARY 7th.
Yeah and maybe I wished Lizzie happy belated birthday in October when her birthday was in November...
And maybe I wished Chase happy early birthday for his birthday 3 days away when it was really a month and 3 days away.
It's not that I didn't KNOW when their birthdays were, I just lost track of ... time, I guess.
Haha. I guess everyone has their little thing
It was Amanda's birthday yesterday. She didn't tell us until 12:30 TODAY, the day AFTER her birthday. Way to make us look like fools. Lol
I know I was supposed to sleep with you....the phone disconnected and I had too much on my mind to sleep.
Continuing on my wine-tasting journey....White Zinfandel...........it's ok............I haven't really developed a taste for white wine.
Amanda is making drunken phonecalls right now. Should I be a good roommate and take away her phone? She's really cute. She talks like she's five. "My face is really really red. I can feel my face beating." "Your face is beating?" "Yeah, it's like 'boo boom'."
I however, am not drunk. Just two glasses of wine, just enough to taste. Awww all my weekend drinking chronicles clocking in roommmate time! God am I going to miss them next year.
Do you think I should go to London?
I am TAP TAP PEI.
Another beautiful day. I had Taco Bell, watched the busses drive by, and got a grande peppermint hot chocolate. I talked with a good old friend. I wore a skirt.
I had a midterm which was neither the highlight nor the devastation point. Although I do not think I did better than a 80 on it....
Then you try to scream but it only tries to come out as a yawn
It is a beautiful 70 degree day here. My wonderful roommate Kristin stayed with Jean last night to house-sit, so I had the room all to myself. My other wonderful roommate Christina is now sitting in front of her computer begging it to let her watch some Korean drama movie. "It's only 5:30 in the morning in Korea. Who wants to watch a movie? Go to sleep, fuckers," she says. I love her.
Amanda needs to get back with her friend who can buy us alcohol. And by "alcohol" I mean they want hard liquor and I want...well, wine. I must sound like a crazy person talking about wine all the time, but i blame that doggone enology class. Minus that awful appellation memorisation, I am enjoying this class.
I raise my proverbial glass of Charmat-method rose sparkling wine to it!
Do you think it looks bad that my first thirty songs in mytunes are 'n sync? I think it looks worse that my next alphabetically ordered "artist" is 2ge+her.
Have you ever heard anything so lovely? The desire to desire something so greatly...it's beautiful. Beautiful is a special word to me. It means to know beauty on the inside as well as the out. Beautiful knows sorrow. It knows happiness. I always wanted to be beautiful. I wanted someone to see me as beautiful.
I have no words of anger tonight. No words of hate or dislike, distrust or or bitterness. I have only me who spent the day with my roommates buying food at a Korean grocery in downtown Davis, who spent the night watching A Walk to Remember, and who is now listening to that song from My Sassy Girl.
I am tired in body and mind. Tonight, I will be the one who thinks I am beautiful. I am the one who knows I have known greatest happiness and worst sorrow.
I fear to tell you this for I am young and perhaps you think me foolish.
I get it. Like the swift strike of a knife, I get it.
Maybe one winter day it will be me who someone thinks of.
If you are going to tell me that there are people in this world who don't care about me or what I do, then I think that you are one of those people
So far today, I have taken a midterm, been brutally screwed, and been very disappointed.
I also got a corkscrew for my non-wine. I desperately want to go wine tasting. Alas, I am not old enough. I would however very much like to learn to enjoy wine. Whoever gives me wine deserves my first born. I have already figured out who will father my children. hahhahaha.
God I'm bored with this plotline.
5 hours until my CS midterm. OMG i'm so nervous. I need an A in this class. I NEED an A. I'm getting a stomach ache thinking about it.
I love love love having the tv outside in the mornings. I also love Kristin waking up and Sonya coming down so we can all watch the tv together in the mornings. Oh shoot i'm missing ER. I'm also missing math class. But I'm studying for my muy importante CS midterm, so i feel it's time well spent.
A+++.You said so!
I think the entire answer key for the practice midterm is wrong. You can't compare two arrays like that! You're comparing addresses. And they'll always be false. I think. Oy....this makes me so unsure of myself.
You know what I like about HTML? It's not like C. You can leave your functions unended and HTML will still function. At least it does on my all-powerful mac. I don't know about PCs and Windows....it kinda fucks up my code. Hah, whatev.
Yesterday I moved my desk inside my bedroom. I like it better in there, I think.
Every day I open up myucdavis and I stare at my grades and I calculate how much better I have to do so that I can pass this class.
It's not like it's impossible to get A's in college...just no matter what I seem to do, they're out of my reach. Science, humanities, they're all the same. I thought that once I could concentrate again, things would pick up.
I have a computer science midterm tomorrow.
Pointers in one function, cool. But when a function calls a pointer, is it the address, the pointer itself, or a double pointer?!?!?!
I cleaned up so many dust bunnies yesterday. I see more hiding in that corner. I'm gonna get you too.
For future reference...
Entomology: study of bugs
Etymology: study of words
Enology: study of wine and winemaking