| News In Briefs By a team of considerably underpaid writers |
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| Teacher gives up suicide after 20 years |
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| Depressed: Ted Granxly-West killed himself fifteen times - and each time with a sawn-off shot gun |
| An English teacher from the Midlands has this week confirmed he is "bored" of killing himself. Ted Granxly-West, 64, of Middleton Comprehensive School in Coventry, announced this week that he has given up suicide - for good. This comes as a great shock to work colleagues, who, in some cases, have attended fifteen of Mr Granxly-West's funerals. But while this comes as a surprise to many, Ted's wife Barbara thinks that her husband has made a good decision. Said Mrs Granxly-West, "It wasn't helping us financially. Firstly there was the expense of numerous funerals but also in the winter months, in which Edward spent most of his deaths, we missed out on part of our income." The fifteen suicides of Ted Granxly-West has entered him into the record books. Only one man has ever ended his life |
| more and he was actually a woman (sorry, about this inconsistency, but Toimes critics have urged us to be more politically correct). Louisa Charlton from Charlton had killed herself a massive 23 times before dying of stomach ache in 1974. Mr Granxly-West was seen as the prime candidate to oust Mrs Charlton at the top of the charts but his early retirement from what is rapidly being seen as a sport has ended all speculation. When we interviewed Ted last night at his home in Middleton, Coventry, he said; "As an academic, the stress would often reach the realms of the unbearable. Suicide was the only answer. "Each time, I would take my sawn-off shotgun, point it into my back and pull the trigger at least five times. "It was only on the fifteenth occasion that I realised that suicide was boring, so I gave |
| it up." Mr Granxly-West's Floccinaucinihilipilificational assessment of the nature of suicide has given hope to thousands of insecure people around the world, like midgets for example. A group of suicidalists from San Antonio, Texas have also decided to call it a day and, inspired by Ted's bravery this week, haven't committed suicde for more than four years. Even Tony Blair, busy as he is with the war on Iraq, managed to comment on Mr Granxly-West's bravery. He said; "It is a well known fact that bravery is indeed a virtue possessed by the very few. People who are brave deserve our utmost respect and Mr Granxly-West certainly merits this. However, myself and the chancellor believe that Mr Granxly-West's suicides were tantamount to tax evasion and that he sould be prosecuted." |
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