Blond Jokes Q: How do blond braincells die ? A: Alone. Q: How do you change a blonde's mind? A: Blow in her ear. Q: How do you measure a blond's intelligence? A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear! Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING? A: She was run over by the zambonis machine. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Q: How does a blond spell farm? A: E-I-E-I-O Q: How does a blond kill a fish? A: She drowns it. Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat? A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row. Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run!....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law? A: An air bag. Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs? A: To avoid the draft. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday. Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears? A: Trying to hold on to a thought. Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours? A: Because it said 'concentrate'. Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet? A: She thought it was diet coke. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS? A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING? A: The noise gave her a headache. Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS? A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs. Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar? A: She heard that the drinks were on the house. Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES? A: Elvis has been sighted. Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART? A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own. Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase? A "It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt." Q: How does a blonde commit suicide? A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off. Q: How do you plant dope? A: Bury a blonde. Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree? A: Wave to her. Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ? A: With a tire gauge! Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle? A: Shine a torch in her ears. Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. Q: How do you drown a blond? A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool. A2: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool. Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life? A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet. Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE? A: Third Grade. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES? A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans. Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER? A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV. Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common? A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: You don't. They're born that way. Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms? A: They're too hard to peel. Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies? A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor. Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory? A: Proofreading. Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory? A: For throwing out the W's. Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID? A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy? A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper. Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm? A: She loves having her picture taken (flashes, got it?). Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde? A: "Space. The final frontier......" Q: How does the blonde car pool work? A: They all meet at work at 7:45. Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease? A: Her IQ goes up! Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes? A: They always forget the recipe. Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds? A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord. Q: Did you hear about the blonde who couldn't wait to see 20,000 leagues under the sea? A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams. Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE WHO STOOD IN FRONT OF A MIRROR WITH HER EYES CLOSED? A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep. Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer? A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold. Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek? A: One. Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ? A1: She didn't know what ONE came first... A2: She didn't have that many fingers Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird? A: She threw it off a cliff. Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves? A: She fell out of the tree. Q: How did the blonde burn her nose? A: Bobbing for french fries. Q1: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? A: There's white-out on the screen. Q2: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the computer? A: There's writing on the white-out. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a computer? A: You only have to punch information into a computer once. Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde? A: There is a stamp on it. Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook? A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece. Q: Why did NASA hire a blonde? A: They're doing research on black holes. Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead? A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!/DUH! Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs? A: Because they can spell it. Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say? A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I? Q: Why do blondes drive VW's? A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!! Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency? A1: They can't remember the number. A2: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up? A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde. A2: None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper. Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first? A1: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions. A2: The brunette. The blonde is such an air head. Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot? A: Bigfoot has been spotted. Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts? A: Change. Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair? A: Last years hide and go seek winner. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A whine cellar. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An Air Bag. Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes? A: A mental block. Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A: A wind tunnel. Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? A: A dope ring. Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain? A: Gifted! Q: What do you call a blonde in a freezer? A: A Frosted Flake. Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head? A: A Space Invader. Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes? A: The back of her head. Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair? A: Artificial intelligence. Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you? A: Pull the pin and throw it back. Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..." Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence? A: To see what was on the other side. Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU? A: Too many blondes were drowning. Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back? A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK". Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her car? A: In case she locks the keys in her car. Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet? A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills. Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veternarian? A: Because she loved children. Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months? A: Because on the box it said 2-4 years. Q: How do you confuse a blonde? A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms. Q: Why does it work? A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?" Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office? A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps! Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver? A: She missed the Earth! Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon? A: Far-from-thinkin Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios? A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!" Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra? A: Spot. Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words? A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries. Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote? A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck. Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air? A: She missed. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first? A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions. Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance? A: 144 blondes. A2: A fat blond Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater? A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter". Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces." Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur within 5 miles of home? A: She moved 10 miles away. Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty? A: A blonde parade. Q: THERE WAS A BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE WHO WERE ABOUT TO COMMIT SUICIDE. THEY BOTH JUMPED OFF A TALL BUILDING, AND A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, THE BRUNETTE HIT THE PAVEMENT, BUT NOT THE BLONDE. WHAT HAPPENED TO HER? A: She got lost. Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELEIVED IN SMOKING. A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done." ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting. She told me she didn't know how to cook them. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into Heaven, you have to pass a test." "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy. "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter. The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!" "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me! Andy tells me..." --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?" BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you hear about the blonde who: took an hour to cook Minute Rice? got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?" MAN: "It's 3:15." BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer." ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting to rain and the top is down! ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender: Brunette: "I'll have a B and C." Bartender:"What is a B and C?". Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke." Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T." Bartender: "What's a G and T?" Redhead: "Gin and tonic." Blonde: "I'll have a 15." Bartender: "What's a 15?" Blonde: "7 and 7" ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Did you here about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went ? It finally dawned on her. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home. On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?" -------------------------------------------------------------------------- A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street. Cop: Do you know where you were going? Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the people were leaving. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911: Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb. Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb? Blonde: Yes. Operator: The power in the house in on? Blonde: Of course. Operator: And the switch is on? Blonde: Yes, yes. Operator: And the bulb still won't light up? Blonde: No, it's working fine. Operator: Then what's the problem? Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt ourselves. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.? Blonde: I don't know. Why? Teller: It was easier to spell. Blonde: Easier than what? ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No. Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one half hour later they were both killed by a train. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively, "How do you give shoulders?" ---------------------------------------------------------------------- There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "Its blondes like you that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!" --------------------------------------------------------------------------- A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'." |