* Injury updatery! Everyone's favourite undertaker, the Undertaker, injured his lower back after receiving a Big Showkslam on SmackDown! Until more info is available, not much is known about the Taker's status, and until more is known about Taker's status, there isn't much info. The WWF hopes that he'll be ready to go for the Royal Rumble, but that's not based on fact and was simply pulled right out of Ross's ass.

* Wet Willie Regal's nose is improving after three surgeries, and a return to work is expected within a couple of weeks. Regal himself is also sitting out in the mean time.

* Vinny MacDaddy had to have a few stitches after the SD! altercation with Ric Flair. He's hardcore!

* No one else on the injury list is at all important and thus won't be mentioned in the Ross Report.

* Triple-H returns to action this weekend in the crucial WWF market that is Binghamton, New Yawk, and he's ready to go (bananas). Why won't they say when he's coming back to TV? Shouldn't they let that be known to everyone watching? Some hype or at least an announced date sure would help! I mean, really! Anyhoo, Ross has never seen anyone -- that includes you, Savio Vega -- work harder to rehab an injury than HHH. His return to Monday's live RAW in MSG should be trememndous, Ross says. Well. At least they're finally letting word out.

* One Internet rumour coming up...

* "Lots of speculation regarding Kevin Nash's status with the Federation and most of it is inaccurate. Kevin Nash has NOT signed with the Federation."

* ... and is promptly SHOT DOWN by expert gunman Jim Earp.

* !!! PAGE BREAK !!!

* Like any live show, the live SmackDown! in Washington, D.C., had its moments of questionable execution -- here's looking at you, Spike Dudley, Big Boss Man, and Gay Security Guard! -- but overall, Jim felt like it was a solid show in front of 17,000 people. Meaning he has pretty good intuition when it comes to crowd numbers. The build towards the Rumble is supposedly going nicely and will continue to escalate at the TV tapings from the world's most famous arena. The Philadelphia Bingo Hall?

* What sort of reaction will Ric Flair get in MSG? He hasn't been there since 1991, so there's no way of knowing! Flair will also be prominently featured on Excess on Saturday. Sheesh, why don't you put him on HeAT or have him eat dinner at WWF New York? SHEESH!

* One Internet rumour coming up...

* "The Hardys and Lita will be on this weekend's tour in Canada and could return to TV next week, as well. [...] Lots of inaccurate reports on the status of this talented trio are floating around but let me assure everyone that they are all very important players within the Federation and are in excellent standing with the company despite what has been reported elsewhere."

* ... and is promptly SHOT DOWN by expert gunman Wyatt Ross.

* More concrete plans are being discussed when it comes to the cruiserweights, and it sure looks promising from where Jimbo sits. I believe the most concrete plan thus far has been "mention them in the Ross Report every five weeks to throw to Internet smarks a bone". Yeah.

* Stacy and Torrie are in Los Angeles to tape material for Tough Enough 2. I'm sure their tough-yet-heartfelt speeches on the sacrifices and incredibly hard work it takes to become television eyecandy will get some of the young 'uns to think again.

* !!! PAGE BREAK !!!

* Val Venis, whose name rhymes with penis, looks to be in great shape and ready to go. Certainly good and surprising news, considering he's been off the injury list since FUCKING AUGUST. He'll work house shows in Canada over the weekend, by the way, and J.R. thinks he has lots of untapped potential and should be a great asset to the Fed upon his return. Currently scheduled for March 2004.

* FINALLY, the Randy Orton has COME BACK from a minor shoulder injury, and will be working house shows alongside Brock Lesnar, Rico Constantino, and Ron Waterman. If you attend a house show with these people on the card and are going to send in a report to a website, please remember to mention that Brock Lesnar sure is big, Rico looks surprisingly young, and Ron Waterman sort of looks like a certain roided up where-my-freaks-at-blabbering former WCW champion. I hear that when Ron's ready to move up, they'll team him up with the aforementioned champ for a real intimidating tag team. The working name is "The Scott Steiner Brothers". NYUK NYUK!

* Speaking of roid freak who coincidentally also have 'the look', Jimbo and his cronies will be taking closer looks at Dave "Leviathan" Bautista, Sheldon "Been Jammin'" Benjamin, and Prototype "Prototype" Prototype, "in the next few weeks in dark matches and live events, probably in February." So according to Jim Ross, the next few weeks are in February.

* Shawn Stasiak returns to action this week, having rehabbed a knee injury. Gee, maybe you shouldn't be running into walls all the time, ya big DUMMY!!!

* "Homosexual" Billy Gunn and "Gay" Chuck Palumbo are allegedly developing into an entertaining act, and, sayeth Jimbo, "in time could be one of our better duos." I take it that in time, the Hardyz, the Duds, Scotty & Albert, and the APA will all be split up.

* It's he, it's he, it's Dee-Dee-Pee! He'll be working house shows as a face this weekend, and Jim and other WWF bookermen will be anxious to read the house show reports on the Torch and Observer sites to find out how he did.

* I shit you now, this was an actual quote in the Ross Report: "Rikishi missed SmackDown! due to travel difficulties which was disappointing. He is a fat bastard who deserves to be punished and punished severely, perhaps with a thick leather strap. (Note to self: Tone down that last part before publishing column.)" I SHIT YOU NOT!

* OK, I shit you. Pardon.

* The Boss Man also had travel troubles and arrived at SmackDown! mighty late. Thank your lucky stars he made it there and could deliver some nite-stick microphone justice and slo-mo crappy punches to ruin a perfectly good segment.

* Kurt Angle will be doing AT&T commercials! I live in Sweden and thus haven't seen any AT&T commercials! Therefor, I can't write a short parody of what they'd be like with Angle in them! Sorry!

* Look for more superstars to write books in 2002. My Name Rhymes With Penis by Val Venis should be up on shelves some time during the spring, for instance, and Funaki's sure-to-be-a-bestseller Fo' Sho' will come out in June. Also, says Ross (thereby not including him in the superstars category), Freddy Blassie will be writing a book of his own, which will be a great read for old-time fans like Jimbo as well as any new fans who might be interested to hear about the politicking and backstage shenanigans of such stars as Buddy Austin, Red Bastien, and the immortal Eduard Carpentier. And what bug crept up Spiros Arion's ass and died, really? Personally, I anxiously await the RAW bowl chapters.

* Mind-boggling as it may be, Jonathan Coachman really is a Barry Manilow fan and regularly be diggin' Barry's shit on disc. I always figured Coach to be a Michael Bolton man, myself, but apparently that's not the case. Go figure, exclaims Ross.

* Bobby Heenan, you're awesome. Please don't die. Thank you.

* Because the product thus far doesn't seem to live up to the lofty standards of the classics preceding it, The Scorpion King will need some re-shoots that the Rock will take part in. They'll begin on January 9th and probably continue until mid-February, so all you fantasy bookers, swiftly and completely remove Rock from all scenarios during that period, STAT! Actually, J.R. says The Most Electryfying Man in Sports Blablablah won't miss any significant TV time at all. Sure, that's what they said the last time!

* To prepare for an upcoming WWF tour of Asia in March, Chris Benoit, Tajiri, and Torrie Wilson will be doing some promotional work in Japan in a while. Sure, send over a couple of midgets with wacky hippty-hoppety offense, that'll get over with the puro marks! As if! Well, at least Torrie is a big star over there.

* HYPE HYPE HYPE UPCOMING RETURN HYPE HYPE HYPE. The Man has finally finished rehabbing his badly injured leg and has been cleared to return to action! He may get flack from Internet smarks for his backstage politicking, but no one can deny that "The Smartest Man In Wrestling" will have a tremendous impact on the WWF upon his big comeback this week! Yes indeed, Dave Hebner's return to work after knee surgery next week is a landmark development that can't be underestimated.

* Bull Buchanan's been a good boy down in the (Ohio) valley (Wrestling) and we should expect to see him repackaged and back on TV in the near future. I don't see why they need a completely new package; Seeing as how Boss Man's back on TV, they have the perfect opportunity to revert back to the gimmick he used to use. South African Truth Commission Version 2.0, I cannot wait!

* Dean Malenko, with his very James Bond-like theme music, has begun working as an agent for the WWF. He should be a great help to them pesky little cruiserweights and maybe to others as well. Provided they don't step on him.

* He's SHORT tee-hee tee-hee

* "All Dat" Jazz had very little experience speaking on camera before SmackDown!, but performed reasonably well and will hopefully (Jimbo's words) get a more prominent role on TV. If I'm not mistaken, that means being coupled with a male wrestler. ARGH this angers me SO! I'm so TIRED of women always having to hang on the COAT-TAILS of MEN to get anywhere in this MALE CENTERED WORLD! Like they could't get by on their own idenTITTIES! And butts.

* To promote his big return, Triple H will be on the Live With Regis and Kelly and Howard Stern Radio Show this Monday morning.

* !!! PAGE BREAK !!!

* Booker T is pretty good.

* Ross is in awe of the durability of Dose Damn Dudleys, all three of them. Hey, do your research, Jimbo! There are a lot more than just three.

* Pull your pants down, Y2J, you're getting the official Blowjob of the Week! " ..will continue to *mmph* evolve.. *gulp* ..into one of our best all time antagonists *mmmmph* ..comparisons to Ric Flair.. *gurgle* .. same work ethic.. *gulp* OK, that's --by God -- enough. Zip up." "LARGER THAN LIFE, J.R.!"

* A paragraph all about football! Rock was happy that Miami won on Thursday! Now I'll move because I don't care!

* Another paragraph about football! I still don't care!

* If you can't make it all the way to New York's Madison Square Garden to catch the SmackDown! tapings, then at least come to WWF New York and watch the tapings alongside some WWF wrestler not important enough to be at actual TV. And for the sake of the economy, buy a sandwich or at least a soft drink. They only cost like 19 bucks.

* Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-BYE!

/Mr. JF