Well, being that it is the end of the year (or the beginning of the new year actually), I think it's appropriate that I set out some goals and hopes for the coming year. As per my tradition from last year, I am going to save my in-depth evaluation of where I have been until my second journal anniversary which is coming up on January 17. I know that it's a bit odd to be looking to the future prior to evaluating the past, but oh well. All this stuff is not necessarily in order of importance (despite the numbering) but moreso in a sort of logical stream of thought. And some of these things probably are not properly goals as much as they are just things I want to do or have happen....there are a few that should hardly be dignified by calling them goals. But no matter....on with my list....

1. Job: This is really a no brainer, but my number one priority for this year is to get myself a good solid job. This is in fact my only major priority until it is actually fulfilled. Everything else is secondary unless it contributes to finding my job. For anyone who is new to reading me, I am specifically looking for an entry level Chemical Engineering position. I hope to find something where I can learn about environmental engineering and water management, but at this point I will be content with anything that will allow me to apply the engineering fundamentals and become experienced with one or more processes. I feel like I have become increasingly focused over the past half year of self discovery, which should help me in this respect.

2. Apartment: Next on the list in importance, if not necessarily in chronology is for me to move out on my own again. I have tired of my current living situation severely, and I need to move on with my life in that aspect. Living with my parents is the biggest problem, as it limits my mobility and sociability, and my ability to carry on relationships. Living so far from the city is the other problem, which also limits my social possibilities quite a lot. Depending on where I find a job, I might be moving out very quickly or I might take a few months to build up my finances a bit more. The one thing that can be said for living at home is that it saves a lot of money, however I think that the dependancy it tends to breed limit the utility of living at home.

3. Coming Out: Another biggie for me is that I really would like to come out to my parents in the next year. This is contingent on my first two goals. I've said before that I don't feel that I can go through the coming out process until I have a secure job/financial standing and I have moved out of the house to give my family and myself some space and breathing room for when this happens. Yet, as I have stated before this must happen eventually and the sooner the better in my eyes. I feel like my relationship to my parents has been strained lately in part because of this knowledge gap that separates us, and I don't want to continue that. In addition, whenever I do find a permanent relationship, I don't want to live a situation where we go our separate ways during the holidays, I want to live life with a family. To do otherwise would be to admit that being gay means having to live an abnormal double life. I believe with all my being that this is not the case. I would prefer to be estranged from my family by the truth than by secrets and lies. I also strongly believe it will not be like that though.

4. Social Life: I hope to improve my social life quite a bit. This shouldn't be hard considering the fact that it is very minimal at present. Social life has a lot to do with being near people to be social with, so moving out from home will take me a big step in this direction. I can really go two directions with this simultaneously. I want to spend more time with the friends that I already have wherever I end up living. It is unlikely that I would take a job in a place I know no one. On occasion, I realize what a wonderful gift all my friends are to me...sometimes a relatively unappreciated one. Secondly, I want to expand my range of friends in gay circles. I want to hang out some as well as searching out groups and social situations where I can meet people and make actual friends. If the Catholic thing pans out then this might be one avenue. Another I hope to explore is to find what potential opportunities there are in Lakewood, if I end up near Cleveland, or some other gay-friendly area if I end up somewhere else.

5. Dating Life: Right on the heels of my social life is my dating life. It has been well in excess of a year since I dated Allen. My life has been in such turmoil and upheaval at various times since. I can't count the number of times that I've really needed, or at least wanted someone to just hold close and comfort me or be comforted. I guess this is where a lot of my friends fall short of meeting my needs....they just are not devoted to me in such a way that they are willing or able to be what I need. I can't really explain it further without being rather insulting, other than to say that I end up feeling that my friendships are very empty at times because I don't have anyone who understands my emotional needs and is willing to work at meeting them correctly. There are a couple people who do their best in many ways, but distance and other factors gets in the way....thanks to you all anyway tho.

Hmm....so what the hell am I going to do about it.....I really don't know. I need to find ways to start making small steps on some of my goals even before I have secured a job and moved out, etc... I think that sometimes soon I am going to take a stab at describing some things I think I'm looking for in a man. I did this sometime in the distant past, but I think that I have some new and different thoughts on the subject. Perhaps they are a sign of a growing maturity in what I value....and a dose of realism.

So, what is my goal for this category? I think I definitely need to get out and meet people.....that's a start. I think that I could be satisfied if I go out on at least a few "dates" in the first half of the year, and if I've managed to have at least one medium term relationship during the year. That all sounds so calculated to me tho.....I guess this is just something I need to work at and evaluate with hindsight. I'll leave it at that.....before I start making no sense whatsoever.

6. Political Activity: Another big goal is to improve my political activity. I believe that I said something prior to the electon about taking the responsibility, with whoever won the presidency, to register my opinions and thoughts to my Congressman, Senators, and the President. No matter who was elected president I was not going to be totally happy, so I think it is incumbant that if George W. Bush wants to bring people together that the people make known what they think and feel strongly about. The landscape of appointees seems to be filled with many people who are experienced and who are not drawing too much criticism. Hopefully this collection of people who seem largely to be moderates will prove to have the kind of sensibility that I believe usually comes with a moderate political stance. I'll be watching closely to see if that bears out.

7. Getting Stuff: I have some goals that are material purchases....I guess that these are the cheap cop-outs as far as counting as goals, but I think they are long due and important to improving my life a bit. The two purchases at the top of my list are a new car and a cellular phone. These two items should improve my mobility and ability to communicate and live efficiently and comfortably. I'm still very keen on the Toyota Solara, and plan to research it a bit more once my job situation is solved. Another item that is out there but further down the list is getting a laptop computer. This is something I've meant to own for a long while, but have not had the money to buy. Perhaps it will be my 2001 Christmas present to myself if all else fails. I guess all these things work together to make me both productive and mobile at the same time. It's something that I feel I need to have in my life....I hate being dependant on my location or on other people for my transportation and communications needs.

8. Getting Buff: Of course, another goal once I have achieved the beginnings of financial stability is that I want to start working out in earnest again. I've been feeling increasingly less attractive from a physical perspective recently. Undoubtedly part of this is just my imagination, but I do know that I am not moving rapidly towards any sort of physical ideal. Of course, having a workout partner would be pretty darn helpful. Ideally, I will find myself a relationship with someone who has a similar desire for physical self improvement. I find that mututal motivation can be a very powerful thing if there is a basic spark in both people to begin with. Honestly, having someone else who I can aim to please and who can help motivate me is the number one thing I am lacking right now. Additionally, my level of motivation in life in general seems to be directly proportional to my level of organized activity. The more I have going on, the more productive I am, and the more "free time" I have the more time I seem to waste.

9. Intellectual Growth: This is a bit of a vague notion as far as what to do, but I want to make sure not to neglect feeding my mind. I've had a lot of success with reading more since the summer began, and I hope I can continue that trend throughout this year. I have not kept an exact count, but I think that I've been averaging one book every week or two during that time. I also want to keep up with the news better than I have been....I'm discovering that there are reasons for me to stay on top of all sorts of current events, whether local, national, world, financial, or other areas.Of course, I would like to write more as well......more letters and journal entries, and maybe even try my hand at getting something small published someplace. What I realy want to do is get a group together to play RPGs again. I have not tried my hand at GURPS or Dungeons and Dragons in so long. I have talked to people here and there about playing or running a game again. I find that there are so many skills involved and a lot of thinking.....good stuff, and very fun with a good group of people.

10. Spiritual Growth: The final thing that I feel is somewhat lacking in my life right now is a bit more of a spiritual aspect. This is something that is going to require a good bit of personal discipline and setting aside of time. Part of my spirituality has to do with religion....something that I've been neglecting somewhat while I've been existing in a sort of transitional mode of life. I really hope to get more involved in a church again, both in a musical and a sacramental aspect. The gay/lesbian young adult group in Cleveland I mentioned might be one way if that all pans out. Aside from organized religious activity and community type stuff, I also want to set aside time for personal spiritual activity. This includes a few Christian/Catholic things like prayer and some reading of/about the bible, etc. It also might incorporate picking up some more Buddhist reading and rereading some of the things I already have. Buddhist thought is something that I find fascinating especially in that it can compliment and extend Christian thoughts and ideas.

Eh, so those are the "Top 10" goals and accomplishments I want to work at acheiving during the course of the year. some are very straightforward and clear......others are things that will require more than a year and will take a lot of incremental work to acheive. I hope that I can keep track of all these things over the course of the year, and maybe even give a mid-term report card on how well I'm doing. I'm glad I've done this.....this is really the first time I've set out a bunch of life goals that I can remember.

Hmm....I guess I should be apologising for posting up my New Years entry over a week late. Sorry.

Well, if you guys are keeping a checklist, you can cross off #1 on the list of Zup-goals. I have in fact secured a job, which I started at last Thursday. I did the happy dance all around the room once I finally got things finalized. I'm pretty psyched up about working again. Mostly about having something to do daily and having money to do things when I'm not working.

My job is as a engineering technician for a company that makes chemical catalysts. It's a temporary job, but I have been given the impression that there is a lot of potential to become permanent, given enough time. I like the company a lot, as they are involved in a lot of catalyst work for air pollution reduction, breaking up ozone, carbon monoxide, nitrous oxides, and other pollutants. I'm not doing any of that right now, but I hope to learn about their business in general.

The process of getting the job ended up being a lot more involved than I expected. I got the interview through an employment agency. When I had my interview toward the beginning of January, I was supposed to know about the job within a day or two. It ended up that the guy I interviewed with was very impressed with me, and wanted me to interview with someone else at the company for a possibly better job. I did that, and things continued to drag on. Eventually, I found out that both jobs were actually on about the same level. The company and the employment agency were really quibbling over the money aspect, and things were falling apart. I talked to my good friend Jaya on the worst day for me, and she helped me sort things out and decide what to do. Thanks Jaya! I owe you big time!

So, last Monday I made some phone calls and smoothed things over with everyone. In the process I learned far more than I probably should have about how much the company pays the employment agency, and how little the agency pays me. In the end I bit the bullet and took less money than I wanted, which was already far less money than a "real" Chemical Engineering position pays. Frankly, the basic problem was that I didn't see any other jobs heading my way, and I needed the money badly. Having to start paying my college loans has taken a big toll on my nonexistant finances.

I am looking at this job in a couple of ways. Basically, I have a good chance of securing a permanent job with the company. If it seems like that isn't forthcoming, or if I decide that I don't like it there, I have a good amount of applicable experience that will enhance my employability, and I also have some more good references.

As far as my other goals, beyond getting a job, most of them will have to wait a bit yet. I have not even gotten a paycheck under my belt yet, and I can't expect to push through too much change and upheaval all at once, especially when I don't have to do that. A lot of decisions need to be made according to what makes the most economic sense. Some people don't understand that, and good luck to them, I need to make good decisions for myself, not someone else. During my talk with Jaya, she had a lot of important advice to relate to me in regards to making good life decisions from an economic perspective. Since I was going through a minor crisis about this job position at the time, her advice as a fellow chemical engineer was most helpful to me.

It's going to be a bit still before I move out on my own again. With the other things I want to do with my money, moving out right now is not economically feasible unless I want to live very cheap. My mom would like to see me stay at home for a whole year.....my goal is to be moving out by the end of the summer. I would like to see if my job is picked up after the initial 6 months, and/or if I get offered any more money at that time. I also will use this time to scout out any potential roommates. Having a roommate would make it a lot easier. This is really a situation where I am playing it by ear....I don't think it's wise to commit myself to a specific time frame for moving out because if something comes along earlier, or if I can't swing it until later, I want to give myself options.

Probably my next goal to tackle is part of #7. Since I'm looking at staying at home in the near future, I need other ways of manifesting my independance and ability to accomplish other goals. I have no illusions about how living at home will make some things difficult, but I can't get ahead of myself. So anyhow, I'm aiming to have myself in a new (to me) car with a cell phone within a month. In the coming weeks I'm stepping up my search for the right car for me and my research for the best cellular plan for now. The cellular plan should actually be less expensive for the moment because I'll still be able to use my parents' when I'm at home. I may actually hold off on the car a bit longer, as long as my current one hold up, because I want to be able to make as large a downpayment as possible.

As for my social life (goal #4), I see that improving a lot in the coming weeks. Lacking money of recent, I have not been doing too much. I had a large spurt a couple weeks ago betwen Thursday and Saturday. I went to see and movie called "Grass" at the Cinematheque with my friend Melissa. It was a humourous look at the history of government action against marijuana over the past century....kept us rolling in the aisles. Then Friday I went down to Kent and had dinner with Chrissy and her boyfriend Darren. This was the first time I got to meet him, so it was an important event. He was a bit nervous I guess, but we had a fun time. Then Saturday I went to Dinner with Rhiannon, Nardo and Laura. We saw the movie "Traffic" afterwards. It was a really good movie, and I highly reccommend it.

That's really all I have to report for the time being.

I'm in a very funky mood this evening. It's not a bad funky, just a wierd funky. I'm not quite sure why I'm feeling all wierd....if I would have to say that it is just a touch like what it must be to be on some type of drug, but I wouldn't know which. Maybe it's the chemicals from work (heh....jk). My mood started while I was driving home this evening.....It was dark, it was raining, I had Duran Duran playing in the car. In retrospect I think it was the music. A particular song came on, "Come Undone" I believe, and I had a sort of flashback to a dream I had sometime recently. I can't really recall much about the dream, except that I know my friend Ryan in Texas was in it. I think the dream was me visiting him. It's strange because a dream I had a month or two ago also had him in it, but that time I met him at the airport in Cincinnati. I have no idea what is up with my brain. It may also be lack of sleep....I've been up a bit later than I should the past few nights, followed by rising early for work.

Since I'm in a wierd state of mind, I'm just sortof going to write away and see how it turns out. It's much better to do it this way than to feel that my writing is all forced. I am closing in on the end of my second full week of work. I guess that I've been getting paranoid a bit lately because my boss is very direct and a bit caustic. The past couple days I have made a couple of mistakes doing things. Nothing really big, but it makes me paranoid because the guy they had before me messed up some stuff, and that's why they let him go after only a couple of months. My boss actually compliments me a lot on my industriousness and my work, but I guess that I'm just very cognizant of the need to demonstrate my worth to the company.

Yesterday the employment agency that placed a few of us at work brought pizza for lunch. I guess they do this to show how much they care. It was very nice, and they are pretty nice people to work for. I guess I wish they would give more money instead. I do expect that I will be able to get a payraise after 6 months. That's what one of the other temps said. I wish some of the old people at work would start retiring so that the temps could start moving up in the ranks to permanency. I guess the other temps are still constantly sending out resumes and searching for permanent positions. I suppose that I should be doing that as well. I sort of feel wierd doing that, but if the company is not prepared to give me a permanent position with the perks that come with it I suppose my loyalty shouldn't be that great.

The other day at work I was weighing out chemicals on a big industrial scale. I decided to hop on just to see what I weighed, and I was certainly glad no one was looking at that moment. I was tipping the scales at 220 lbs (nearly 100 kg) which happens to be at least 15 pounds more than I had previously weighed. If I had been working out all this time I wouldn't be concerned, but this seems to be the result of sitting around the house much of the past six months eating too much and glued to the computer searching for a job. I am not sure yet how I am going to convince myself to get in more physical activity....I am not content to give in though.....I simply can't do that. I'm looking to motivate myself to do little things at first. I talked to Rob about this the other day...actually I did a lot of complaining about the physical activities I hate to do. But, the one I came up with that I like a lot was bicycling. Not that I'm a bike racer or somesuch, but it's just something I've always enjoyed. What I need to do is either put a lot of work into my old bike or get a new one. Rob suggested I set a goal and work my way up to it, something like riding 25 miles in a day (or whatever would be challenging.) Now that winter is winding down, I think that this would be perfect.

Last Friday I got a very pleasant surprise at work. Mickey had been hinting to me that he was sending me something that I should watch out for. Well, he sent me a box of giant cookies to celebrate my new job. The cookies were very good, and I shared them with my co-workers a bit. He also sent me a gift for Valentine's Day, which was a bit unexpected. I was commenting to someone the other day that I don't think of Valentine's Day as a holiday really.....at least it's not one I celebrate in any way. Today was just another normal day for me. Valentine's Day is a holiday for couples. I've never had any reason to celebrate it. I guess that the significance of holidays is all about whether you have an impetus to celebrate them. Thus New Years Eve is important to me because I have always made it a time to celebrate with either family or friends, even though it has no particularly important historical significance for me.

Long term dates and plans are beginning to take shape a bit for me. I have two weddings to attend in June, my friend Jaya from CWRU (in Cleveland), and my friend John who lives in Seattle (but the wedding is in Florida). I am also considering joining my friends John and Andrew (from Model UN) for a roadtrip through the Smokey Mountains in Tennesee this summer. That would give me a chance to stop in and visit a few friends who are living in Nashville as well. The big question in this regard is whether it will cost me many days of work (and thus lost pay). I think they are planning it as a long weekend, so it may work out well. I'm not sure what else I can plan on as far as travel is concerned....not having paid vacation days makes all that a bit difficult. I had been hoping to make it out to the West Coast again, but I think those plans will have to wait another year most likely. I'm a bit sad about that, but what can I do?

Last, but not least, I went to the Lavender Ball on campus the other weekend. This is an annual dance put on by Spectrum, the GLBT group. I didn't get hooked up with anyone, but didn't really expect to either. I did get to talk to a few people that I have not seen in a while, and I saw someone I knew from elsewhere and had a nice coming out experience. This year the event was a fund raiser for a local AIDS center or the like....there was a great turnout and they raised a good amount of money. They raffled off some cool prizes that I didn't win, but I did pick up a poster with a lineup of very nice derrieres.

As usual, it's been a while since I've gotten everyone updated on my life. Actually, I belatedly posted another entry earlier this week, so make sure to go back and read it first. I'm discovering that work really eats up my time. I'll be looking forward to when I eventually am moved closer to work and can regain an hour or so of commute time.

Of course, I've been a busy bee outside of work as well. President's Day weekend was a forced 3 day for me. I say forced because the company has it off, but us temps don't get paid for it. I ended up making up the hours the rest of the following week. I was hoping to make the long weekend into a trip up to Detroit or down to Columbus, but as it turns out I was not able to contact anyone in either place. Luck was with me however, and I got an ICQ message from my friend John in DC that Thursday night. Andrew from Chicago was visiting him for the weekend and they asked if I wanted to make the drive down. Who am I to pass that up, so I packed myself up and left after I got home from work Friday. The weather was a bit rotten for my trip down, but I made it in a bit over 6 hours.

On Saturday we road tripped around the eastern side of Chesapeake Bay seeing the backroads and historic sites.We spent some time in Annapolis on the way. We were hoping to make the entire circuit around the Chesapeake, but two hours of poor service at a Pizza Hut made us decide to cut our losses and return the way we came. Sunday after church, we went downtown to see the various monuments. This was the first time I had seen the FDR Monument and Korean War Memorial. I was suitably impressed by everything. That night we had dinner at Maggiano's, the good Italian polace in Bethesda where we ate last year when I was in DC. Monday, I visited my cousin at the University of Maryland where she is at school before setting off on my return trip.

The following weekend I visited my brother at Youngstown State to expand my MP3 collection. I was pretty focussed and motivated, and in 24 hours I managed to collect another 500 songs for my collection. I'm going to be DJing for the Model UN staff party during the conference at the end of March, so I am planning to try collecting the last 700 or so songs I want in the next couple weeks before then. With Napster under assault I'm not sure how useful it will be, so I will probably have to use another service which will undoubtedly be less useful....ah, such is life. Really I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to even have the music collection that I have already.

Some of the most exciting news is that I got myself a cellular phone about a week ago. Those of you who are paying attention to my goals for the year can check off another item on the list.....heh. So far it's been pretty good. I have a plan with lots of night and weekend minutes, so I'm in no danger of going over my limit. I'm still a bit wary of extra charges for long distance and roaming, so I'm going to be a bit cautious for the next few weeks until I get my first bill and can see what's up. There really is an added convenience, which will only grow as time goes by. Additionally, I don't have to sort out long distance with my parents anymore, granting me a bit more freedom in phone use, since I don't have to do any explaining.

Last Friday I went to dinner with Nardo, Rhiannon, Missy and company....we've not done anything together since the Superbowl, so it was fun to hang out. I had a good beer with dinner, called Paulaner Hefe Weisen....it was slightly sweet with no icky aftertaste....just how I like a beer to be. Not to mention it was $2 drafts while we were at the restaurant. I'm all over that.

I think that recently I really haven't indicated how central Model UN continues to be in my life. Having graduated from college, things have been very transitional. It's been tough for me to sortof take a step back from the group at CWRU and let them take control of their own destiny. Thankfully, I've had the LEIMUN program to fill the Model UN void in my life. I don't think I've ever explained LEIMUN well, so it's probably confusing. The Lake Erie International Model United Nations (LEIMUN) is a non-profit corporation that was formed about a year ago. It was formed to carry on with the high school and college Model UN competitions at Kent State University Ashtabula Campus and expand to other activities. The professor who founded the program over 20 years ago wanted to ensure its survival as he took a less active role in running it.

LEIMUN has a 5 member Board of Directors, which includes my friend Julie, from whom I intend to buy my new car eventually. A lot of the staff have been with the program for a long time, and many of them started as Model UN delegates to the conference when they were in high school. I'm certainly part of a younger generation staff members, with a number of people having staffed for 10 years or in a few cases over 20 years. Yet, I've always identified well with people older than me, so I'm building friend relationships with all sorts of people.

Last Saturday I helped with a MUN training session for a high school outside of Buffalo. The session was fun...I've run a couple with Julie in the past, so I'm getting good at it. This time I worked with Michael and Lori Ann, two of the other Board members for LEIMUN. While we were up there we made a trip across to Canada to stock up on some alcohol for the Staff punch party (for which I'm doing music.) I bought myself a bottle of DiSaranno Amaretto (the good stuff!) I have not had an Amaretto sour since Mickey was in town last year, so I figure that I'll mix one up sometime when the mood strikes me. On the way back we bonded to music (a lot of Duran Duran) and dinner at Quaker Steak and Lube. Quaker Steak is a Pennsylvania restaurant know for its wings, and that was the first time I've been there. The bonding time was really important to me. I hold a lot of these people in high esteem, so it really makes me glow inside to know that they consider me a peer, and find my company and contributions valuable.

The people with LEIMUN are also pretty cool with sexuality in general, so I've been doing a fast track coming out in the past couple months. Coming out has not changed much except that I can make lots of fun jokes and innuendos now.

I talked to Mickey last week the day after the earthquake in Seattle. We talked about his getting laid off from work quite a bit. Although it sucks to not have a job, as I know from experience, I really think that he will end up finding something more in line with his long term goals now. We talked some about the type of skills he's acquired in his most recent job. From seeing postings for non-profits through a MUN mailing list I'm on, I think a lot of those skills will be valuable. Most of the positions I have seen in that area are looking for a multipurpose person, someone who can coordinate volunteers, work with youth, do publicity and interact with contributors of money, and disseminate information to policymakers. I'm going to have to send him a few just so he can get a feel for what I'm talking about.

Last evening I decided to sit down and catch up on journals that I have not read in a few weeks.... I read through Bryan's last....always a huge task. I tried to call him, but to no avail. I only had to wait a day though....today at work I discovered that he tried calling about 5 times while I was away from my desk. We got to sit down and chat by phone this evening for the first time in about a year. We had a hell of a fun time. He keeps mentioning this new cute friend Nate....I'm all curious about this guy now. Though I'm sure he's not as cute as Matt...that Matt sure is a hottie! <evol grin> But anyhow, from all that Bryan says Nate sounds like quite a catch. I've been hoping to go visit Bryan sometime, as he's one of the few journalers I follow whom I have not met yet. The potential to meet a cute, nice, gay guy just adds one more reason to make the trip. I know that it's totally unrealistic to expect anything to come of something like that, but I just want to meet more gay people that I can be friends with. I'm lacking that in my life big time.

With the most recent tragedy in San Diego, I feel the need to do a bit of personal sharing about the "school shooting" penomenon. I believe that I understand a lot of what is going through the minds of some of these attackers. This might be shocking to a lot of people. I've heard so many times in recent days, comments by people about how they can't imagine what would lead kids to do this. It troubles me that there is such a gap of understanding....that people can't fathom what is going through the attackers' minds. Until people start to understand why stuff like this is happening, it will continue to happen frequently. Gun control and school security measures will only help to a certain extent because they don't touch the root problem.

It all comes down to two basic facts. First, this is a cruel world. Second, there are a good number of people who are not emotionally equipped to deal with a cruel world in a rational fashion. That's just about all you need to know to figure it out.

These kids often seem to be described as quiet....perhaps outcasts, perhaps loners. My suspicion is that they are often emotionally fragile; very dependant on approval from others to improve their self esteem. They probably tend to submerge their feelings of rejection, fear, and anger internally out of a sense of shame. They let it stew inside them, a thousand little slights that all begin to add up in their minds. All this time they have plenty of time to think and turn all these things over and over in their minds. They think about how things would be different if they were not so *powerless*...if they could do something to show people that they are not people to mess with, that they deserve respect.

I think I can say all this with authority because my mind has been to all these places at one time. I share so many of these qualities. No, I was never an outcast nearly to the extent that so many kids are. I had a lot of things going for me, but I always wanted to have the kind of things that I thought the *popular* people had. It bothered me that I never dated anyone throughout my school days. I took it personally that I was the butt of many jokes even by people who were friends....it was often good natured joking, but that still wears on you when repeated hundreds or thousands of times over the course of many years. It tends to skew your reality a little.

If this is the way I felt, is it any wonder that kids who feel utterly outcast and are humiliated constantly turn to violence on themselves or others? The teenage years are times of great change, and frankly are quite confusing for a lot of kids in so many ways. Being constantly rejected shapes that change in a very unhealthy way.

I recall very clearly thinking on a couple occasions about how just a couple bullets through the ceiling in the middle of the cafeteria would show people that I was not someone who they should mess with. Of course the immediate next thought was what if I accidentally shot someone. Just the thought of actually hurting someone helped keep this scenario from going far in my head. My parents instilled me with a tremendous amount of moral scruples, some of which are even useful. They also gave me a tremendous amount of love and attention. I was blessed with some very good friends. Not everyone has those same good circumstances influencing their lives.

So, do I think that any of these shootings are justified? No, I have a very hard time justifying taking someone's life under any circumstances. But frankly, I think that society bears tremendous responsibility for these shootings. This isn't to say that the attackers are absolved of their personal responsibility, but no one ever seems to say to themselves, "Maybe if I am nicer to a few people I can help prevent something like this from happening." Our society is so quick to blame someone, but very resistant to look at how we all contribute to so many problems and injustices every day. It's so easy to blame everyone but ourselves, but just forget about asking us to give up our right to be cruel to others and expect them to bear it silently.

You know, this is something that I've never shared with anyone before. That's part of why this stuff tends to build up in people, because no one wants to admit that they have these feelings. It's scary to admit that one has very antisocial and sometimes even violent thoughts. I personally suspect that for every school shooting or office shooting, that there are hundreds or thousands that don't happen for whatever reasons. I think these types of feelings are fairly common, and now we are seeing what happens when they are pushed to reach a conclusion and manifest themselves.

So, now that we've possibly uncovered some deep and meaningful truths about our world, what are we going to do with this knowledge? I want to challenge everyone to go through the coming days, and each day, when you're about to insult someone, spread some rumour or gossip, and do something else cruel to another person, just stop and don't do it. I know how easy it is to slip into that type of stuff, but I'm going to try the same thing. There really is some merit to those bumper stickers that say, "Practice random acts of kindness and senseless beauty."

I am so thankful for my cell phone. It opens up such wonderful doors for me to be able to communicate more with people. I have been taking advantage of the prodigious number of minutes I have to talk to so many people whom I have not talked to in ages. I called my friend Ryan in Texas earlier this week. It amazes me that although we have not even seen each other in probably 7 years, we can always pick up right where we left off in our last phone call a few odd months previous. Not to diminish anyone else, but my conversation with Ryan was probably the most energising and fulfilling chat I have had with anyone in a very long time.

I was just thinking about our friendship and realized that Ryan and I have known each other for more than 15 years at this point. We met through the gifted education class in 3rd grade, and have been great friends ever since that time. We loved to draw and read comic books. Though we didn't tend to get into too much trouble, we had a few adventures at school.

I can still remember the day he told me he was moving to Texas. It was right before the beginning of a Boy Scout meeting during our 7th grade year. I really felt betrayed by that, not really understanding at the time why this had to happen. I knew he had no control over having to move, but it still hurt a lot because he was my best friend and it just seemed somehow unfair. In some ways the middle school years were some of the toughest for me. Through happenstance, I ended up being in a different class block from almost all of my friends in 6th and 7th grade, and thus got to see them rarely. I hated it in so many ways, so when Ryan ended up moving it seemed like just one more blow to my life.

I know that he was pretty devastated by the whole thing too. I remember him talking wishfully about moving back to Ohio, and I remember him hating Texas and being somewhat miserable about it for a couple years nearly. I'm thankful that by the time he got to high school and college he was finally building a new life of his own. He found friends and some focus in life and has been thriving since.

Ryan had been intending to call me soon and tell me that he's engaged to be married next year, but I got to him first. Talk about taking me by surprise....we only talked last in November, and all this happened since then. I don't know all that much about it, but he sounds so happy, and I'm happy for him. He asked me to be an usher in the wedding, which is such an overwhelming honor for me. It really evidences that despite the time and distance we have not grown apart much at all.

He's also planning to be up in Dayton for a month this summer, doing a surgical internship. I'm so excited about this because it will give us an opportunity to hang out for the first time in so long. For me it's like an opportunity to renew our friendship. I always don't think that I've changed that much, but I probably have in many little ways, so I think it's important to get this time to reacquaint prior to Ryan's marriage next year.

The other thing I need to do is attend to my coming out to Ryan. I've talked before of what a stressful ordeal that has been for me with other people. Even with people I saw everyday, it often took many months of self preparation and waiting for the perfect moment to have that difficult conversation. It's gotten easier over time, but Knowing Ryan and my closeness as friends, I would have liked to have talked about this long ago, but when you only talk to someone a few times a year, it is that much harder to find an ideal moment to broach the subject.

I'm hoping that Ryan can actually read what I am writing here someday soon. I am writing this with the intention that he will be able to read it. It bothers me that I have not had the right chance to talk to him about my sexuality yet. When I'm not out to someone I can feel the constant strain it puts on my side of the relationship. For me there is a constant stress that I perceive because I know that all my interactions will be slightly veiled if conversation turns to women, dating, mariage or similar topics. I don't think that anyone else senses that unless they were specifically looking for it, but I have the knowledge that I'm holding back one aspect of who I am. That's not where I want to be with the people I consider my friends.

This week we started the office pool for the NCAA basketball tournament. I'm glad I decided to participate because so far it has been a lot of fun. It's a very cool bonding experience with my co-workers, even though I don't really follow basketball the rest of the year. It helps to keep conversation lively too. Of course, I don't think that I'm doing all that bad, so it's exciting that I may have a chance to win the cash too.

I went down to Coventry to hang out and relax and do some window shopping this evening. I was hoping to meet up with a friend, but I was never able to arrange for someone to meet me. I had fun just the same, and thankfully I stressed about my plans a lot less than usual. I ended up the evening at the Winking Lizard bar. Their beer of the month is Killian's Irish Red, which happened to be our house beer back on Cecil, and they had a very nifty givaway Killian's mug I've been meaning to get. I watched some of the tournament games at the Lizard, which have been really exciting. I picked Kent State to beat Indiana, so that game was just awesome....the place was really jumping for that game since they are a local team, and it was an upset win too!

I think that I'm making friends at work too, which is nice. I was a bit worried about that because there are so many older people working there. It turns out that the other temp that I work with the most (who has been there a bit over a year) is very into historical miniature wargames, and thus has a lot of good perspective on RPGs and other cool stuff. We have a great time, especially when we are doing a bunch of boring stuff. Without him to talk with work would probably be pretty tedious. There are a few other people who I associate with more at work too, so I'm satisfied with the social aspect of work so far. I never intend to make work my social center of gravity, but it makes a big difference in attitude and morale when you actually enjoy the company of the people you work with.

For St. Patrick's day I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. It looks like it's going to be cold and possibly snowy, so I think I'll skip the parade. We are going out to the Olive Garden for Missy's birthday, so that fills up my evening at least. I do have an opportunity to get some overtime Saturday, so I'll probably take that, as I can use all the money I can get, especially since I'll be losing two days of work for the Northcoast High School Model UN run by LEIMUN in two weeks.