Home is such an interesting concept. And that's what it is, a concept. On the surface, we think of it as a physical place....a town, a country, a building, maybe just a room. But all in all it is so much more than that.

In reality, home is a sense of belonging. It is a feeling that you fit into some larger place in the universe than just inside yourself. It's the knowledge that you fill a gap in the universe, and that very likely you fill that gap in a unique way that couldn't be duplicated by anyone else.

So, returning from the metaphysical stuff, I have to say that I feel at home right now on various levels. I just completed my move to a new residence, and for the most part I feel at home here. It just feels right. I have nestled my stuff and myself right into my room. All the rest of our things are finding their way to their proper places throughout the house. I have a roommate that I know I can live with fairly happily, and two more on the way that I am confident I will get along with.

I also saw home in other ways this weekend. On Saturday afternoon I went home for the annual picnic thrown by some neighbors and friends of the family. They have been throwing this big picnic almost every year for almost as long as I can remember. It's an event that I look forward to every summer. All kinds of neighbors and friends from our hometown are there, as are a lot of people who come along with them. There is always a group of musicians who get together and play various old folksongs, some of which probably date back to colonial times. Usually there is the gamut of instruments from guitar to fiddle and mandolin, hammered dulcimer (my favorite) and even people who just sing along. They have piņatas and all kinds of games for the little kids, and they even do a hayride. For me, all of that is a part of home....spending time with people and just interacting and enjoying their company without needing all kinds of "modern" entertainment. It's very grounding for me, keeping the focus on people as the important thing in life.

In yesterday's entry, I mentioned going to the movies Sunday night with my friends from home. Well we went to see the Blair Witch Project. Now, before those of you who have not seen it leave, let me say that I don't intend to tell you anything that will give away the movie and ruin it for you. I am going to critique it, but vaguely, so that people who have seen it will be able to understand what I am referring to. Yet, if you want to be completely unaware of information about the movie, I suppose you might want to skip my entry today.

Now, I am hardly qualified to be a movie critic since I don't go to movies that often. All my friends thought it was awesome, as did a lot of other people I've talked to, but personally I wasn't that impressed. I almost consider it a waste of the money for the ticket.

When I read things like "the creepiest movie since The Exorcist" I expected a bit more, especially considering how I don't really like scary movies due to the "scary" part. In truth though, I honestly did not jump once. I cringed and the like a couple of times, but the scare/shock value was fairly low in my opinion.

I suspect it was also somewhat an issue of the movie theatre. It was playing at the Great Lakes Cinema in Mentor, and I hate that theatre. The floors are always sticky so much that you can feel them pull at your shoes. There are no drink holders in the armrests, which I consider a basic convenience these days. Finally, the seats just don't give the kind of support one would hope for....they lean back and are soft, but in a sort of saggy, droopy way.

Part of my displeasure with the movie stemmed from the fact that I did not like the characters. At all moments during the movie I was thinking that these people were idiots, and obnoxious to boot. I couldn't identify with any of them, as they were doing things and making mistakes that I would not have made. I really couldn't identify with the motivations of their actions either. In addition, if you know anything about the movie at all, you know that it was filmed to look like an amateur movie being filmed by the characters. Well, they managed to keep this going throughout the movie, while walking, instantly when waking, while crossing streams, while arguing with each other, while running in complete and abject terror, etc.... And what made it all worse was the various characters' demands that other characters stop filming, which were met consistently with refusals...for no logical reason. In order to keep the "this is a video filmed by the characters" theme going, they used the camera during times when a person would not be taking good camera shots.

The end result of all these factors was that there may not have been a single moment when I was not fully aware that I was in a movie theatre watching a movie that was not at all entrancing or absorbing to me. I'm thankful that it was a fairly short movie so that I only ended up looking at my watch 2 or 3 times.

In the final analysis, I see a sortof dual method for applying the theme of human helplessness and loss of control. In one sense, you have the downfall of humanity to its internal nature and the creations of that nature in the form of technology. The movie cameras, and the obsession with getting things on film, of setting aside all logic and common sense in pursuit of one more shot, exemplified this. It is also exemplified by the psychological factor and conflicts between the characters, and the foolish actions these conflicts lead to. On the other hand, you also have the downfall of humans to the external; the combination of nature and the supernatural. Whether it is getting lost, being chased, hearing noises, or any of the other events that go on, it is abundantly clear that the characters are not equipped in any way to deal with things outside their own element either.

So, after the movie, one gets the sense that if the characters are representative of the human race, then we are all doomed. They could not effectively deal with themselves, their creations, their surroundings, or the unknown, thus leaving them helpless against all things. I suppose I may be missing the point, and the unique point of view (as if looking through a amateur movie camera) is the important thing, but if that is the case, why aren't hundreds of random home videos playing Cannes? I think that I'll stop now and wait for people to rebut my statements.

On a completely random and unconnected note, I saw the hottest guy at the grocery store last evening. Maybe it was just a sudden nervousness at that moment, but there are some times when one just sees someone so gorgeous that one gets warm and sweaty just thinking about them. I suppose that is just an incredibly shallow and lustful reaction. Honestly tho, it happens at times, at least to me.....I feel vaguely bad about it, but as long as I don't let my basic reactions like that cause me to do something stupid I guess I'm ok. But man, that guy was hot.....sigh.

I guess I'm out of here, but stay tuned for my next entry, which should be coming soon.

Sigh.....I should have known it would happen......I had such good intentions......such wonderful inspired ideas......and I managed to fail to live up to them. Go figure.

Man, it's time to just pump this journal entry out.....whenever I try to be all creative I just end up putting it off til forever. Things in my life are just really crazy these days. I think I'm already trying my best to overextend myself. Sometimes being busy is good for me, like when I feel like I'm accomplishing a lot, but right now I'm having to cope with all my responsibilities plus a lot of other stuff. Basically I'm having to deal with a lot of shit that I don't need right at the moment.

The weekend was actually better than the past couple in that I didn't have to pay any money for anything automobile related. This was the weekend of our big housewarming party, which happened on Saturday. We had burgers and dogs plus lots of snacks and alcohol. We got a keg of Killian's Irish Red and pulled out the drybar from the basement and stocked it up, so the liquid libations were flowing freely. Thankfully, we only had one vomitous episode, and everyone was pretty neat with stuff, so we didn't have much mess to deal with afterwards.

We started the food at 6:00 and things moved right along through the evening. People were having a lot of fun, and generally things were calm. Unfortunately it was about this time that our neighbor called the cops on us. I can't quite fathom what was the big issue, since it was only 11:00 on a Saturday night, but someone obviously has a large object lodged in their rectum... So, things were pretty subdued after that, since the cop said that if they ever have to come again we'll get cited (i.e. they will take more money). So, mostly I'm bitter at Cleveland Heights police in general at this point....they aren't here to prevent crime, they just enjoy taking money from good people in bad situations. I've really concluded that all that shit they try to tell you when you're a little kid about the police officers being your friend and whatnot is a load of bullshit. I can't recall when the police have ever done anything friendly for me. I guess recent events have made me bitter and cynical.

So anyway, I had a big phone convo with Allen last Wednesday. He had e-mailed me the week before about our relationship. I really don't know how to even talk about this subject because there's just so much to deal with and so many pitfalls to avoid. In any case, our relationship is sortof on hiatus I think.....I don't know if that's the best descriptive word or not. Part of it is that we're both busy and occupied with our own stuff. Part of it is that I just don't have the time to maintain a relationship from 3 hours away. Part of it is that I'm really unsure of myself right now, of what I want.

Actually, the thing about the relationship that's been bugging me the most is the entire LDR thing. I really just don't understand how people can do that. I think that it seemed really abnormal to me. We dated for four and a half months, but we only got together on 5 weekends that entire time.....that just doesn't work for me somehow. But I guess more importantly, it's the whole idea of having a weekend relationship....you don't get to be normal around a person because you're trying to squeeze weeks of relationship into such a concentrated time. It's more like a special event or a party than an actual relationship.....it feels forced, trying to get a maximum of interaction out of every moment. You don't get to do things that I consider my normal friends dating on campus do. They'll meet for lunch, or walk to classes together, or just hang out for a while on an evening. You find time for people when you can in life, and you can't just do that in an LDR.

So, I don't know what's up with things. There isn't any type of finality involved at all right now. I'm not sure if there will be or not.....I'm not quite sure if I want there to be. Allen's taking this all very hard. I'm not taking it quite as hard I guess. I already told him that I'm not feeling good or bad about the relationship.....I'm not feeling anything really. That's frightening in that I'm not sure if it's this relationship at this moment in time or if I'm the kind of person who gets very passionate and then loses interest. It takes me back to why I was so disturbed by that indie gay movie I saw over the summer "All the Rage". It frightens me that at least one part of my psyche could be non-feeling....maybe even callous.

So, that's the situation there.....I don't know what else I had to say really.....it's still warm enough that there are lots of people wearing shorts. For a college of engineers there seem to be a lot of people with decent looking legs around here. There's this mondo hot guy in my Chem E classes, who I want so bad, but there's not a chance that he's gay....oh well, I guess sometimes you just have to enjoy the view even if you can't wander the landscape.