We, being avid fans of Mr Jesse Thorn (a.k.a. God or at least A Minor Deity), would like to express our support for his theory regarding the True Nature of Mr Ben Stein (a.k.a. the dangerously overeducated gentleman with the money), namely, that he is a Witch or a Vampire.
As everyone who is familiar with "Monty Python and The Holy Grail" knows, Witches are dealt with in one manner and one manner only, that being burning. Only one thing is burnt apart from Witches and more Witches: wood (which floats in water as well as bread, churches, very small rocks, apples, gravy, cider, ducks, and lead). If indeed Mr Ben Stein is a Witch, we can only propose to burn him as would be the only appropriate course of action as we fear that he would turn the entirety of America into newts (although there have been reports of people-turned-newts "Getting Better"). We would like to, as honest Americans, volunteer for this duty of burning Mr Ben Stein as a Witch, providing that we receive a portion of the aforementioned money currently in Mr Ben Stein's possession.
If the case is that Mr Ben Stein is a Vampire, however, that would be a different story entirely. As we are well versed in the Art of Cheaply Made Vampire Flicks (with the possible exception being "John Carpenter's Vampires" which was not cheaply made but simply bad), we are well aware that the only way to kill Vampires is to shove large, pointy wooden stakes through their hearts (not their crotches as demonstrated by Mr Homer Simpson). (We do not wish to imply that individual Vampires have more than one heart or crotch; we were simply being grammatically correct.) Concurrently with our offer in the case of Mr Ben Stein being a Witch, we would like to again volunteer our services to end his time in this mortal coil and send his damned soul directly to Hell or wherever he is destined by shoving a large, pointy wooden stake through his possibly Vampiric heart, but only if we receive a portion of the twice-aforementioned money currently in Mr Ben Stein's possession (which would no longer be in his possession after we kill him).
In the case that Mr Ben Stein is neither a Witch or a Vampire, we would like to point out that we would still appreciate a portion of the thrice-aforementioned money (which, as we have mentioned before, is currently in the possession of one Mr Ben Stein) in return for doing our part to insure the safety of our beloved America. We also think we're quite as smart as he is, and even if we aren't we're sure that Mr Jesse Thorn is.
We thank you for your time, because we know that with churning out such Works of Genius as "South Park" and Mr Jon Stewart's "The Daily Show with Mr Jon Stewart," your time is very precious indeed. If we had a portion of the quatro-aforementioned money currently in Mr Ben Stein's possession, our time would have the potential to be just as precious as your own.
With all due Gratitude and Respect,
Ms Lindsey & Ms Laura
of Lewis and Clark College
P.S. We would like to take this moment to thank you from the bottom of our hearts (we each have one heart, of course, not to mention one crotch apiece) for instigating the return of such wonderful and educational Programmes as "Kids in the Hall" and "Whose Line is it Anyway?". We also thought we should mention, as a Disclaimer, in case you were worried, that we don't really want to kill Mr Ben Stein although we would really appreciate the penta-aforementioned money as we are starving college students. (If Mr Ben Stein's money is unavailable, we would be most grateful for any Comedy Central merchandise you could spare, particularly that pertaining to the uni-aforementioned Genius-inspired shows.) For further Reference, we are including the address for the portion of Mr Jesse Thorn's website pertaining to the possible True Nature of Mr Ben Stein. http://www.oocities.org/Colosseum/Field/3468/
take me back to
the beginning!!
