rottweiler named Percy. (It should be mentioned here that Laura finds Percy a very Odd
Name for a rottweiler with as Vicious a Character as Percy's. Really. He eats children.
But only the pretty blonde honor students that mothers are proud of.)*
*For reference, we're lying.
We must take a moment here to honor the Swiftly Departing Memory of Mr Desmond
Peepers, who is currently dying of Leprosy. The story of Mr Desmond Peepers' illness is
Trajik Indeede. He is married to one Mr Oswald Peepers, maiden name Smith, who has
an unfortunate heroin addiction (think Ewan McGregor in "Trainspotting" and you'll get
The Picture). Mr Oswald Peepers, maiden name Smith, contracted this Fatal and
Life-Threatening disease by sharing needles. He then Unwittingly and Trajikally passed
it on to his loving husband, Mr Desmond Peepers in the Marital Bed. Mr Desmond
Peepers is now in critical danger of his unproportionately Large Pecker* falling off.
That's all.
*For reference, Mr Desmond Peepers is a Woodpecker. Not a real one, mind you, but a
Wooden One of about an inch and a quarter in height with an added inch and a quarter
for Fluffy Pink Hair. It should also be noted that he's the Butch One in the relationship.
He has made it clear to Mr Oswald Peepers that he can reclaim his maiden name without
angering Mr Desmond Peepers once he has Shuffled Off This Mortal Coil.*
*For reference, please see "Hamlet" by Willm. Shakespeare, Stratford-Upon-Avon
Publishing, Stratford-Upon-Avon, England, copyright 1610. You know. The Soliloquy.
The Famous One.
Laura has a thing for Ewan McGregor. Really. We're not kidding. If she met him in an
Airport, she would proceed to Ask and then Shag, thus giving him the Best Night of his
Life, not to mention breakfast in bed followed by another Shag and a marriage proposal
(which would be accepted Readily). They would then move to a Small Villa in the English
Countryside near the Forest, with some Horses and Cats and the Cast of The X-Files, but
not too many of the Techies (not to be confused with Trekkies), down the road
from Lindsey...
Lindsey has a thing for Brian Molko. We're not surprised if you haven't heard of him. It's
okay. He looks like a girl. If she met him in an Airport, she would become a Puddle, and
then propose. He would accept and build her a Castle. Not a Shabby One, mind you, but
a real one with Dragons and Unicorns and Shrubbery. With a path. And then he'd chop
down the largest tree in the forest (there would be a forest, mind you) with...A HERRING!
You might be wondering about the Airport. Or maybe the Herring. It's okay, we don't
expect you to understand these things. Damn Close-Minded City Folk. You probably
wouldn't get the Collage either. Humph. Hoom*.
*For reference, see "Sandman" Graphic Novels by Neil Gaiman, character Gilbert, a.k.a.
Fiddler's Green of The Dreaming. Highly Recommended. And we do mean Highly (We
don't mean that Sexually or Drugmatically. We're telling the Truthe. This isn't a Lie).
Lindsey would like to point out the obvious by mentioning that we have no Lives.
However, she's already downed a "Trail Stash Amber Ale" and a half, and is likely to feel a
Trifle Pessimistic. We're actually wondering if you can tell that we're English Majors. Is it
THAT obvious??
You might be wondering about the e-mail address. LAL does not stand for Lindsey and
Laura, no matter how Likely it may seem. Instead, it stands for Lindsey's Full Name which
we're not telling you for fear that you might kill us. Elizabeth would. Can't be too
cautious these days, you know.
We should apologize for all of this. However, we are two (and too) Bored College
Students with nothing better to do and you happen to bear the brunt of our
Boredom-Inspired Rants. You should have seen the letter we wrote to Comedy Central.
It was about Mr Ben Stein of the uni-aforementioned television show "Win Ben Stein's
Money."
Right now we are all singing "Head and Shoulders, Knees and Toes." Do you know that
song? I once learned it in German, but I Forgot It.
So much depends
Upon
A red wheelbarrow
Beside the white
Chickens*
*For reference, see "The Red Wheelbarrow," a strange poem found in Laura's Junior AP
English class. Lindsey never took AP classes. She never did Homework either. She still
doesn't do Homework. She has above a 3.0. Don't you just want to kill her? No? I didn't
think so. Okay then.
Do you like Whales? Elizabeth does. However, as uni-aforementioned, she wants
nothing to do with this letter so we won't mention Elizabeth at all. Not once. No
Elizabeths in this letter, no way!
Do you know what the Meaning of Life is? It's 42. Or, to quote certain other
interpretations, it's Having a Sparkly Thing in Your Hair.*
*For reference, when you get certain persons who will Remain Unnamed Really Drunk,
they tend to believe that the Meaning of Life is Having a Sparkly Thing in Your Hair.
They also tend to say this repeatedly, so that No One Misses the Point.
It smells like Children's Tylenol in here, because certain persons who will Remain
Unnamed have lotion that smells like Children's Tylenol.
Hey, can you find the Hidden Cock? We can. Here's a hint: It looks like a Dick.
We would like to emphasize that we have no interest in you Sexually whatsoever. Really.
Trust us this time, we're telling the Truthe. If you propositioned us, we'd say No. Thank
you, we're flattered, but No.
Warm beer, especially warm "Trail Stash Amber Ale" is Gross. Lindsey is leaving her
"Trail Stash Amber Ale" on the heating vent and Laura is warning her that it will get Warm
and Disgusting. We're wondering if she will be able to make it two doors down the hall to
her own room in her current Intoxicated State. Which isn't much of a State at all. Nothing
like California. Now THERE'S a State!
Thank you for your time. We realise that with such a Detailed Website, your time must be
Very Valuable. If we had as much money as the twice-aforementioned Mr. Ben Stein, our
time would probably be Valuable too. But it's not. That's why we wrote you. The End. As
aforementioned, Sweet Dreams.*
*For reference, see the uni-aforementioned "Sandman" Graphic Novels by the
twice-aforementioned Neil Gaiman, character Morpheus (not Daniel the Prick) The True
Dream of the Endless. Highly Recommended. And we do mean Highly (As we said
before, we don't mean that Sexually or Drugmatically. We're telling the Truthe. This isn't
a Lye).
Sincerely with all due Respecte and Gratitude,
Ms Lindsey & Ms Laura
Yeah.
P.S. Damn it feels good to be a Gangsta.
take me back to
the beginning!!
