THE WEEKEND CRUSADE:
THE MOVIE THEATER
If you believe this, you must be what we like to call: a "Renter". Yes, you sit on your beautifully crafted Italian leather sofa and gaze at your perfectly digitalized Plasma screen as you watch the latest new release from Blockbuster. You can even have the video for five days! How convenient! Isn't the world perfect?
But for people like us, (aka: movie junkies), we insist on seeing movies right when they come out in order to avoid being left behind in the fast-paced whirlwind of pop culture. Unfortunately for us, this means that in order to see our culturally significant moving pictures, we must mingle with the hoards of morons that have made pieces of shit like "Scooby Doo" require sequels. And as any observer of stupidity knows, movie theaters are the second best display of the human race as filthy, idiotic, and obtuse apes, (the first best display being Six Flags). So for all non-Renters, please prepare to be annoyed.
After considering options for a Friday or Saturday night, you and your companion(s) settle on a night at the movie theater. Relaxing, entertaining, and stress-free, right? No, I’m sorry, you must be mistaken. To begin with, you and your fellow movie goers must decide on a mutually agreeable flick and time. Although this seems simple enough, there is always one who grudgingly agrees and makes a sacrifice for the benefit of the whole group. So, to begin with, there is always at least one who is predisposed to irritation (not enough to cause a dispute, but more like a residual effect that will surely be triggered later on…most likely to happen with an individual like Holly).
-HS
If you currently live in a suburb that does not require you to search for parking, (and by this I don’t mean getting one at the end of the lot- heaven forbid), please disregard the next paragraph.
As an urban dweller, parking is a sensitive topic. After hearing the phrase “find a parking spot”, city folk often find that their blood pressure rises and they unconsciously clench their fists (if confused, please see chapter 1). As you leave your residence, knowing full well that you left an extra 20 minutes early to find parking, your stress level increases. As experienced parkers, Laurie and I have given up the crazy notion that we’ll find street parking because a) we didn’t bring enough quarters to feed the hungry parking meter and not to mention the fact that they are only good for two hours or b) we don’t feel like driving around in circles in order to find a spot 5 blocks away from the movie theater. This leads us straight to the parking structure kitty-corner to the theater, as well as the long line of vehicles waiting to enter. And since this is Evanston that we're talking about, the inhabitants of the vehicles in front of us are often unaware of their surroundings. At this moment, despite the fact that the engineers of most modern-day parking garages have designed their spaces to accomodate the massive stupidity of most parkers, all attempts to explain proper procedures to the customers seem to fail. Inevitably, the drivers ahead of us are confused about how to push the BIG GREEN BUTTON (yeah, the one that's flashing, you fool) to get a ticket to make the gate rise that allows them to climb the steep incline that leads to *gasp* what they came there for. When the driver finally figures out how the ticket-dispensing machine works and pushes the button, an automated voice message informs them that “There are no cashiers at the exit. Please take your ticket with you and pay in the lobby”. As if that wasn’t enough of a reminder, they also post signs in the structure and as you exit the elevator, voices greet you to remind you for the third time. To add insult to injury, as you enter the lobby after your shopping/dining/theater outing, the new, shiny machines are there again beckoning you with a cluster of observant patrons who have correctly followed all instructions. But even if a customer somehow magically zoned out for the ten minutes in which they were given the same instructions about thirty times, the brilliant engineers have made it possible for exiting motorists to insert their credit cards in the same slot that the PAID ticket is meant to go in order to allow a speedy departure. Bottom Line: If you failed to observe the message, the many signs, the ticket machine, and don’t have a credit card, how are you an operational member of society?
-HS/LD
Let’s say that after all that hassle, you finally make it to the movie theater in time to purchase your ticket and some refreshments. It never fails that as you are walking through the lobby on your way in, some loud, obnoxious person who just walked out of the theater, feels the need to discuss the movie they just saw, revealing the surprise ending. And naturally it’s the movie that you just bought tickets to see. This occurred one time as Laurie was walking in as two teenage girls were walking out.
All she heard was “Wait, so like, it was all in his head?!” After giving this some thought, she finally realized that they were talking about “Identity”- a movie that she was dying to see, due to it's enigmatic plot line.
-HS
This is a typical distraction that irks most people. The lights dim, the screen lights up and the previews begin. There are, of course, those still in the midst of conversation, which, to me, is fine as long as you wrap it up relatively quickly. After the first preview ends and those rude people are still talking, you start to think “What…what if they don’t stop talking? Are they going to continue this conversation throughout the whole movie? Will I have enough balls to turn around and say something to them? If I do, how will I phrase it? Should I be polite but stern or should I be exasperated and tell them to shut it?! After going over all the possibilities in your head, you realize that you’ve just irritated yourself and it’s now virtually impossible to enjoy the movie because all you can think about is when the conversation will resume again.
-HS
One step below the low talker is the whisperer. Although just as annoying, the whisperer takes it to another level. They realize that they shouldn’t be speaking during the film, yet still continue. Out of all the syllables uttered, the “S’s” are the most pronounced and the most grating on one’s nerves. As if that wasn’t enough, it’s hard to pinpoint where the disturbance is coming from, therefore making it almost impossible to alleviate the problem (assuming that you’d have the gonads to actually say something anyway).
-HS
These people can be classified as a talker or a whisperer, but talk consistently and utter such sayings as “Wait, why did he do that?” or “Oh, that’s why!” or “He said that in the beginning, he must be the killer!” or “I told you that he did it!”. All of these questions/statements will eventually be revealed in the course of the movie but no, they must voice this out loud while all others are thinking the same in their head. There must be two reasons for this person to feel that it’s necessary to voice their opinions: 1. They really have no clue how movies play out and are utterly confused as to why things are happening the way they do. or 2. They try to guess the ending or the motives of the characters to impress their companion. If you gather up enough courage to politely ask them to refrain from talking, they often retort by saying “Oh no she di-int” and then complain constantly about your request or continue with the commentary just to spite you. This person is often accompanied by an individual who knows that talking during a movie is rude but listens and responds shortly and quietly, but is too shy to actually tell the “play by play” person to shut the hell up. Although I feel sorry for this companion, it’s overruled by the fact that out of all people in the theater, he has the power to end it. In this situation, the only possible way to end this is to get up and move far away and try to enjoy the rest of the movie.
-HS
After the previews and right before the movie begins, there is a quick reminder to turn off all cell phones. If you forgot before the previews began, this is a direct, yet polite cue to do so. Although cell phones have been prevalent for years now, some owners like to think that they are so incredibly important that if they turned off their cell phones for two hours, some cataclysmic event will occur, destroying the Earth and all its inhabitants- therefore they ignore the request to silence their phone. Without fail, during the most pivotal point in the movie, you hear the distinct sound of the Nokia ring. This is followed by a frantic search of all possessions (coats, purses, etc…) for the source. After 3 annoying rings, the sound halts. Since they successfully silenced their phone, they feel that they have the right to view the missed call and a distracting bright blue light emits from the depths of the darkened theater. Although this is incredibly aggravating, it fortunately allows the annoyed viewers to spot the culprit and attempt to beat them out of the theater before they make it to the parking structure and forget to pay their parking fees in the lobby.
-HS/LD
'Tsk'-ers are often recovering low-talkers who realize that they shouldn't actually speak during a movie, so instead they substitute quite possibly the most annoying noise that can be emitted by the human body in order to let those around them know that they completely disapprove of the actions that have been unfolding during the film. For the majority of my life I was fortunate enough to have never noticed the abundance of 'tsk'-ers in movie theaters, but that all changed when I started going to Pipers Alley on Sunday mornings in which the audience was primarily Jewish females over the age of 50. I even remember the exact moment in which the 'tsk'-ing became extremely annoying: we were viewing "Far from Heaven" and about fifteen minutes into the film, Julianne Moore walks in on her husband kissing a man- 'tsk'- then we later see a young black girl being picked on- 'tsk-tsk'- and eventually an interracial affair caused a complete onslaught of 'tsk'-ing and I think a ninety-year-old woman in the third row exploded. What 'tsk'-ers need to realize is that their annoying sound of condemnation travels more thoroughly through a quiet theater than low talking. Dare I say I would prefer a talker? Well, if it comes down to either "Tsk" or "Man, that bitch is a whore!", you're damn right I do.
-LD
There are actually several different specimens with in the category of 'loud eater'- all of which are extremely annoying. First, there's the cheap guy who brings a bunch of snacks and drinks from outside of the theater. I don't have a problem with this, considering how expensive the food is inside the movie theater; however, people should know that they must select their food carefully in order to ensure the quietest snacks. For example, choose a plastic bottle of Coke with a simple 'ppsst' opening rather than the 'CCHHCCHHKKK!' opening of a can. I mean, aren't you even a little embarrassed about your cheapness? The second type is the person who is completely oblivious to the racket caused by their manual hand-stirring or shaking of the popcorn in order to properly distribute the salt and butter evenly over the kernels. This person most certainly also purchased a 'box' of Gummy Bears that they won't open until half-way through the movie- at which time you will hear them struggling to open the box and the thick and crunchy plastic bag within. Once you finally hear them pop the bag open, you let out a sigh of relief...forgetting that that plastic-crunching will continue until they are finished with the entire bag. The third type of loud eater is now somewhat rare in the days of stadium seating, but it is still annoying in memory. This type is usually between the ages of 5 and 10 and has a severe case of butterfingeritis. At a very serious, maybe even sappy, part of the film they drop their box of Skittles/M&Ms/Reese's Pieces and every piece of candy can be heard rolling down the slanted theater floor for the following five minutes.
Although we thank loud eaters for not talking or 'tsk'-ing during the movie, they still disrupt our viewing with their stupidity.
-LD
The Everyday Source of Aggravation