My desk sits at the front of my office. My office is directly across the hallway from the Men's bathroom. Throughout the day, I hear men enter and exit the bathroom repeatedly, as this is a large floor with many male tenants. At least three times a day, I hear someone enter the bathroom while talking on the phone...and exit still talking on the phone. These are successful, working professionals I'm talking about, not schizophrenic mental patients who have no concept of proper etiquette. Is there no hope for the human race? While my initial reaction to this is disgust, I can't help but wonder what they did to disguise the inevitable sound of flushing in the background (not to mention the echo- Hello! I'm sure that whoever is on the other line can put two and two together!). Obviously, upon purchasing a hands-free phone set, there is a startling amount of people who believe that this new technology allows them to talk on the phone while doing anything from driving to taking a shit. Are you really so incredibly busy that you can't spare those three to ten minutes off the phone?
-LD
(all of which I've seen done)
1. Talk on a cell phone
2. Smoke a cigarette
3. Carry 7 heavy, single bagged grocery sacks
4. Transport a passenger, whether it's on the handle bars or on the back
5. Ride against traffic
6. Pretend you're a car and take up the whole lane
7. Ride while wearing a long skirt
Following these simple and obvious guidlines will ensure your safety and prevent added frustration to the motorists around you. Better yet, leave your freakin' bike at home and drive a car like normal people.
-HS
Editor's Note: One more...I saw a guy riding a bike down a busy street balancing a KEG OF BEER on his handle bars! Cue clapping.
Have you ever noticed that certain people seem completely oblivious to the extremely loud noise that their keys make when they clink together, specifically when on a key ring of some sort that holds over 50 keys at once? Retractable cords allowing the user to unlock a door without removing the set from their waist is a plus. Back in high school, having your keys clink together signified a superiority over your key-less classmates because a key, no matter what type, is a symbol of responsibility. Even more impressive, however, was that it often signified that you -gasp- had a CAR! A CAR that you could DRIVE yourself home from school in! Then there were those like myself who would, at the end of seventh period, jingle their house keys together to give the illusion of car-ownership. That was back in high school. Nowadays, I sit at my desk at work and hear people with keys coming down the hallway (which is VERY long...we're talking a five minute walk) and the clinking gets gradually louder, and louder, and climaxes, and gets quieter, and quieter. What I don't understand is, they certainly must realize that their key-clinking can be heard by everyone in the offices that they pass- do they still have the high school mentality that keys signify importance? Because, to tell you the truth, when I hear keys clinking together now as an adult, I simply think, "Sounds like the toilet paper is going to be refilled in the bathrooms".
-LD
It started off with 'extreme' sports...then 'extreme' Mountain Dew...I even remember 'extreme walking'. It seems like everything is being marketed as 'extreme' now- but it's never written as 'extreme', but rather 'X-TREME!' complete with misspelling and an exclamation point. Could they have found a more vague description? Do they really think that as I'm shopping for deodorant, I'm going to think, "Well, product A has an anti-perspirant and a deodorant...but product B is 'X-TREME!', therefore I must have it." Products that I hope to see in the future include X-TREME Tampons, X-TREME Baby Food, and X-TREME Brie.
-LD
Or more specifically, when these signs are followed by a smaller sign reading, "When Pedestrians are Present", or even better, "On School Days when Children are Present". Thank God they post those signs! Otherwise my own personal need for constant momentum may cause me to run down a couple innocent pedestrains who take too long to cross the street! Evidently, the common sense of drivers is not given very high expectations.
-LD
I can't tell you how sick and tired I am of hearing about the Atkins diet. Wherever I look, some restaurant is promoting a new low carb menu, tv commercials for all types of food are now offering low carb options, and even Coca-cola and Pepsi-cola have invented a low carb soda. How good can cutting the majority of carbohydrates from your diet be?! For the love of God, Dr. Atkins died from a heart failure! Are you idiots going to take advice from a guy who died after following his own diet plan?!
-HS
This isn't what you think- I'm not going to rant and rave about how they should all get jobs and blah, blah, blah. Instead, I am going to suggest that they get a little creative. Everyone has something to offer in return for money, so you might as well use it. If you have a guitar, play some songs. If you don't have a guitar, do a little jig and sing a witty tune, (no sad songs, though- the working individuals prefer to not get depressed on their way to the office). Simply shaking an old McDonald's cup in people's faces does not qualify as a talent, nor does offering someone a "Street Wise" newspaper. In fact, people are really difficult to impress nowadays. What you ought to do is get together with the other homeless people, get some costumes and some scenery, and put on a really elaborate production of the H.M.S. Pinafore, complete with a full orchestra and ornate costumes. People would pay a TON to see it!
Man, it's too bad you can't afford to do that.
-LD
If you call someone and leave a message, make sure that you tell the exact reason for calling and the urgency in which you need them to call back. For example: "Hi, this is Laurie. I was just calling to ask you what you're doing this Friday night so you can call me back whenever you get a chance" or "Hi, this is Laurie. I'm being attacked by a pack of wild dogs at the moment, so if you could call me back as soon as possible, I would appreciate it". The following is NOT acceptable: "Yo, this is [so-and-so]. Give me a call when you get this." These messages do not make you seem more mysterious or desirable- they only make me want to not call you back just to piss you off.
-LD
You're alone, searching desperately from store to store to find the perfect bra/underwear, when suddenly you happen upon Marshall Fields. While browsing the unmentionables section, picking thru black, white, and nude bras and passing the many 44 DDs to hopefully find your size, you notice an unsupervised 3 year old playing with his stroller. His mother is no doubt not paying attention because she’s consulting the teenage employee on which bra would look better under her new Liz Claiborne shirt. Seeing the set up as an exciting racing route, the child pushes the stroller and weaves in between the between the racks while making car noises.Hearing the “vrrrrroom-ing” and the “errrrrrrt-ing” emanating from some unknown location, you frantically search your surroundings to find the source. Since the five foot racks are an excellent hiding place for a three foot child, you are unable to locate the cause. Your only hope to see which path he has chosen by poking your head around to see which racks/bras are swaying on the verge of falling over. Knowing that mom is busy choosing black or white, you try to divide your attention between the silky, waist high briefs, the cone cupped bras and the upcoming onslaught. Just as you’re about to give up, a 36C presents itself to you amongst the sea of plus size bras. While checking the price and considering if it’s worth the 25 bucks, you suddenly realize that the stroller is inches away from your ankles, careening out of control. Before you have time to react, the foot rest of the stroller bounces haphazardly off the back of your unsuspecting leg. The bra flies out of your hand in slo-mo, your hand reaches to comfort your ankle, and as you fall to your knees in excruciating pain, you look over at the little brat and see he has paused briefly to examine his work with an expressionless face.Mom, realizing that she’s left her son unattended, comes running over to apologize. You utter a pathetic “It’s okay” and limp your way to the check out counter to pay, justifying the expense to yourself. You’ve earned this $25 bra.
-HS