Clubbin': Young Americans at their Finest
I have a close friend (you know who you are) who tried to convince me that ordering bottle service at a club is actually a good deal. Upon hearing this, I instantly started debating why 'bottle service' is actually club-code for 'customer bends over and takes it in the ass'. Here is a brief synopsis of our conversation...edited for length and to make my side of the argument sound better:
Me: Dude, there's no way to justify paying $300 for a $30 bottle of vodka.
Friend: No, see...they give you the alcohol, plus all the mixers you could want, plus any garnishes.
Me: The mixers and the garnishes cost the bar nothing, so they can give that stuff away. They are still making a 900% profit, plus the satisfaction of knowing that the patrons are idiots for buying into it.
Friend: Well, if you split the cost with your friends, it comes to $50-75 per person. If you figure that you would spend $10-$12 on a drink anyway, you are actually SAVING money.
Me: Whoa, mathlete...how is $50 a better deal than $12?
Friend: Well, figure you have a group of five and you get bottle service and pay $60 each. Then you each have about 6 drinks- you've already saved money versus spending $70 each on six individual drinks.
Me: Oh, I see.. In a situation in which you have a group of five guys who purchase a bottle of vodka for $300 and every single person contributes equally to the bill and no drinks are given away to non-paying trixies who happen to come along, this truly would be a good deal. Fool.
-LD
It is a beautiful occasion when you happen upon a club that provides more than sufficient restrooms, particularly for females, that are also well-kept and never run out of toilet paper. Unfortunately, it is also a fantasy that never has actually existed on this planet. Chicago has some of the strictest building codes in the entire country, however, they are much more concerned with the chance of fire than with the chance of someone having to urinate in a dark corner after being unable to hold it any longer. This means that the average club usually has at least two stories and can accomodate 500 patrons, but will have three bathroom stalls. Actualy, make that two bathroom stalls because the handicap stall is always occupied by two girls- one who is drunk and crying uncontrollably and the other who is sober and trying to convince her friend that "he's totally not worth it". In addition, most clubs have attempted to create a 'clean bathroom' facade by hiring bathroom attendants; this is a fad that I personally find both annoying and useless. First of all, the counters are often covered with hair products, mints, perfumes, etc- all of which keep girls in the bathroom longer when the traffic should be flowing out of the congested sink area. Second of all, for cheap people like myself, I really dislike being forced to tip someone every time I use the restroom. Consequently, I will often attempt to shuffle out of the bathroom without washing my hands in order to avoid the awkward moment between the attendant handing me a towel and my exiting without throwing money in her tip jar (surely she will remember me on my next visit and shoot daggers through her eyes). I can only assume that other patrons will do this as well, and the club will end up with filthy-handed customers everywhere, therefore making the attendants the cause of a much dirtier atmosphere.
-LD
If a girl proclaims that she is going to a club to 'hook up' with a guy, she has obviously never been to a club before. Clubs, you see, are densely populated with the Metrosexual breed of human male, and most girls will hesitate before hooking up with someone who is prettier than them. For those who may have a hard time distinguishing a Metrosexual (or don't know if you, yourself, may be one) here are 10 tell-tale signs:
1. You know how to spot a fake Prada purse.
2. You use bronzer.
3. You own Gucci sunglasses and they are always on your person.
4. You pluck your eyebrows.
5. You despise beer...except Heineken.
6. You have worn pink.
7. You paid over $50 for a trucker's hat.
8. You brag about your CB2 furniture.
9. You have shaved your scrotum (not on a dare).
10. You just realized that you are long overdue for a mani/pedi.
Rule of Thumb for girls: if you wonder at any point if the guy you're talking to has a boyfriend, run away.
-LD