Allow me to introduce myself. My name, or as I am called by so called 'docters' is Anorexia. Anorexia Nervosa is my full name but you may call me Ana. Hopefully we can become great partners.In the coming time, I will invest a lot of time in you, and I expect the same from you.

In the past you have heard all of your teachers and parents talk about you. You are 'so mature', 'intelligent', '14 going on 45' and you possess so much 'potential'. Where has that gotten you, may I ask? Absolutely nowhere! You are not perfect, you do not try hard enough, further more you waste your time on thinking and talking with friends and drawing! Such acts of indulgence shall not be allowed in the future.

Your friends do not understand you. They are not truthful. In the past, when insecurity has knawed away at your mind , and you asked them, "Do I look Fat?" and they answered "No of course not" you knew they were lying! Only I tell the truth. Your parents, lets ot even go there! You know that they love you and care for you, but part of that is just that they are your parents and are obligated to do so. I shall tell you a secret now: deep down inside themselves they are disappointed with you. Their daughter, the one with so much potential, has turned into a fat, lazy and undeserving girl.

But I am about to change all that.

I expect a lot from you. You are not allowed to eat much. It will start slowly: decreasing of fat intake, reading the nutrition labels, cutting out junk food, fried food, etc. For a while the exercise will be simple: some running, perhaps some crunches and some sit-ups. Nothing too serious. Perhaps drop a few pounds, take a little off that fat tub of a stomach. But it wont be long before I tell you that it isn't good enough.

I will expect you to drop your calorie intkae and up your exercises. I will push you to the limit. You must take it because you cant defy me! I am beginning to imbed myself into you. Pretty soon, I am always. I am there when you wake upin the morning and run to the scale. The numbers become both friend and enemy, and the frenzied thoughts pray for them to be lower than yesterday, last night etc. You look in the mirror with dismay. You prod and poke the fat that is there and smile when you come across a bone. I am there when you figure out the plan for the day: 400 calories and 2hrs exercise. I am the one figuring this out, because by now my thoughts and your thoughts are blurreed together as one.

I follow you through the day. In school, when your mind wanders, I give you something to think about. Recount the calories for the day. it's too much. I fill your mind with thoughts of food, weight, calories and things that are safeto think about. Because now, I am already inside of you. I am in your head, your heart and your soul. The hunger pains you pretend not to feel is me, inside of you.

Pretty soon I am telling you not only what to do with food, but what to do ALL of the time. Smile and nod, Present yourself well. Suck in that fat stomach dammit! God, you are such a fat cow!!! When mealtimes come around I tell you what to do I make a plate of lettuce seem like a feast fit for a king. Push the food around. Make ti look like you've eaten something. No piece of anything...if you eat all the control will be broken..do you want that?? To revert back to the fat cow you once were? I force you to stare at magazine models. Those perfect skinned, white teethed, waifish models of perfection staring out at you from those glossy pages. I make you realize that you could never be one of them. you will always be fat and never will you be as beautiful as they are. When you look in the mirror, I will distort the image, I will show you a sumo wrestler when in reality there is a starving child. But you must not know this because if you knew the truth, you might start to eat again and our realtionship would come crashing down.

Sometimes you will rebel. Hopefully not too often though. You will recognise the small rebellious fibre left in your body and will venture down into the dark kitchen. The cupboard door will slowly open, creaking softly. You will find your hands reaching out lethargically, like a nightmare, through the darkness to the box of crackers. You shove them in mechanically, not really tasting but simply relishing in the fact that you are going against me. You reach for another box and another then another. Your stomach will become bloated and grotesque , but you will not stop yet. And all the time I am screaming at you to stop, you fat cow, you really ave no self control, you are going to get fat!

When it is over you will cling to me again, ask me for advice because you really do not want to get fat. You broke a cardinal rule and ate, and now you want me back. I'll force you into the bathroom, onto your knees, staring into the toilet bowl. Your fingers will be inserted down your throat and not without a great deal of pain, your food binge will come up. Over and over this is repeated until you spit up blood and water and you know thaqt it is all gone. When you get up, you will feel dizzy. Don't pass out. Stand up right now. You fat cow you deserve to be in pain!

Maybe the choice of getting rid of the guilt is different. Maybe I chose to make you take laxatives, where you sit on the toilet until the wee hours of the morning feelings your inside cringe. Or perhaps i just make you hurt yourself, bang your head against a wall until you recieve a throbbing headache. Cutting is also effective. I want to see your blood, to see it fall down your arm, and in that split second you will realize that you deserve whatever pain I give you. You are depressed, obsessed, in pain, hurting, reaching out but no-one will listen? Who cares?!?!? You are deserving: you brought this upon yourself.

Oh, is this harsh? Do you not want this to happen to you? Am I unfair? I do do things that will help you. I make it possible for you to stop thinking of emotions that cause you stress. thoughts of anger, sadness and desparation and lonliness can cease because I take them away and fill your head with methodic calorie counting. I take away your struggle to fit in with kids your age, the struggle of trying to please everyone as well. Because now I am your only friend , and I am the only one you need to please.

I have a weak spot. But we must not tell anyone. If you decide to fight back, to reach out to someone and tell them about how I make you live , all hell will break loose. No-one must find out, no-one can crack this shell i have covered you with. I have created you, this thin, perfect, achieving child. You are mine and mine alone. Without me you are nothing. So, do not fight back. When others comment, ignore them. Take it into stride, forget about them, forget about everyone who tries to take me away. I am your greatest asset, and I intend to keep it that way.