Kiss the Rain

Disclaimer: Unfortunately for you and me, Star Trek Voyager is the property of Paramount Pictures; but we're free to add our own ideas right?

This story was written in response to a challenge issued by Spif Trekspert in JetCJr6: "Write a story in which (I hope your sitting) Janeway and Chakotay DON'T get together, yet they are the center characters. P and T can be together, K and 7 can't."

Author's Note: This story is dedicated to one of the best friend's a girl could have. Spif, you are a wonderful addition to my life, and to be honest, I can't imagine what it would be like without you. In my eyes, you will always be "One of the Best", even if you don't think so...

More Notes: Thanks to Spif (again!) for giving me this title, and for the idea of using the lyrics/poem. The Poem at the end of this story comes from Billie Myers's CD "Growing Pains"

Rated: PG-13...even R, for some bad language.

Kiss the Rain
By: Kathryn Murphy
July 1998

"So, do you think they'll be there?" Tom asked, placing his arm around his love's waist.

"I don't know Tom. I think it went too far this time." B'Elanna answered quietly, moving closer, closing the gap between them.

Tom looked over at her, and locked his eyes with hers; communication a thousand words with one sad look.

It was over.

***

Kathryn Janeway was shaken out of her reverie by the chime at her door. She shook her head slightly, trying to clear the cobwebs from her brain, before answering. "Come" she stated, and directed her eyes to the door.

She was not surprised by the figure who now stood at the entrance to her Ready Room. In fact she had been waiting for him for over an hour now.

"Chakotay.", she said quietly.

The tall man took a step forward, and paused, waiting for her invitation.

"Please take a seat." she said, indicating to the chair in front of her desk. She would offer him seat on the couch, but truth be told, she felt safer here. In a command position. Moving to her sitting area, would be getting too personal.

Chakotay nodded, and moved closer, taking the seat she offered. He gazed at her discreetly. She looked tired.

"Kathryn," he started, using her name, not her title.

This was not an official visit.

"Chakotay, please." she interrupted, holding her hand up to stop him. "I know what this is about." she said.

He looked at her, and smiled slightly, she always seemed to have an edge over him. Someday he would be on top.

But not today.

Kathryn continued, aware that what she was about to do, was the most difficult things she had ever been faced with.

"I know it's about the party tonight. The Valentine's dance." she said.

Chakotay looked into her eyes, expecting to see amusement in her baby blues, but instead he saw only pain. And fear.

"Kathryn, what's wrong? I came here to ask you..." he started.

"Please don't." she said quietly. It was almost a whisper. "I can't go with you." she stated, looking into his brown eyes.

For a moment he sat there, stunned. But then reality jumped out at him. "Kathryn, it's only a dance. I was going to ask you, as frien..."

"No, Chakotay. I can't go with you. Ever." she whispered. Gods this hurt.

"What are you talking about?" Chakotay asked, clearly confused.

Kathryn stood up and started toward him, but stopped short of her goal. This had to be as im-personal as possible, she decided.

"This can't go on Chakotay. What would the crew say if they saw their Captain and First Officer on a date? Really, can you even imagine what kind of trouble that would cause?" she asked.

"Kathryn, it's a dance. Friends go with other friends, and that's all I'm asking." he said, now desperately trying to control his anger.

"That's it right there. We're friends, and that's all. That's all there can ever be. A Starfleet Captain cannot, and will not get involved with a member of her crew."

*Even if she loves him*, she added mentally.

This was harder than she expected. She could feel tears threatening to spill over her eye lids, but she instinctively pushed them back.

It would only be a sign of weakness to cry in front of him. And she had to make him see that she was right.

Chakotay was angry now. He stood to face her. "That is the most ridicules thing I have ever heard." he said, raising his voice.

"Chakotay please, keep your voice down." she asked quietly.

"Damn you Kathryn. I'll talk as loud as I want to. Maybe this way they'll see what a fool you're being." he said, gesturing past her Ready Room door, to the Bridge.

"It's for them that I'm doing this Chakotay. They don't understand. You don't understand how hard it is for me to keep my distance. Do you think I enjoy doing this to you?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly.

"I don't know Kathryn. You don't seem to be hurting much." he spat angrily.

"Fuck you Chakotay." she yelled, her blue eyes blazing with fire. She raised her arm to strike him, but he was faster. He intercepted her hand, and grabbed her wrist, holding it tightly.

"Does it hurt Kathryn?" he asked, staring into her eyes. "Does it hurt you to have someone you love more than life itself turn on you?". He backed her into the nearest wall, his hand gripping tightly at her wrist.

Tight enough to bring tears to her eyes.

Pain.

"Chakotay, please, you're hurting me." she whispered, tears cascading down her cheek.

"You listen to me. You parade around the God Damned ship like a machine; holding back your feelings, keeping everyone at a distance, but I know that there is a passionate woman underneath that Captain's mask, I've seen her. Kathryn, I've seen you. But until you realize what the hell you're missing, you're alone. You'll always be alone." he spat, dropped her arm, and stormed out of her Ready Room.

Kathryn stared after him, and slid down the wall to her hugging her knees to her chest, and buried her head in her arms.

"I'm so sorry Chakotay, I'm so sorry." she sobbed.

***

Tom and B'Elanna were sitting at a table with Harry Kim, and Samantha Wildman, but B'Elanna's gaze continued to scan the room.

"B'Ela, they're not coming." Tom said quietly, brushing his fingertips along her arm.

"I know." she whispered in reply.

The group of friends sat around their table, as an awkward silence hung in the air.

"God damn them." B'Elanna swore, banging her fist on the table.

The others quickly glanced around, judging for themselves the reaction of the crew, at their Chief Engineers sudden outburst.

Bur they were all feeling the same thing.

Sadness.

The two people they held highest on their pedestal, were in pain, and they could do absolutely nothing to help.

"To hell with them both. They're both so damn stubborn." B'Elanna said, squeezing Tom's fingers.

"I know B'Elanna, I know." Harry Kim said, shacking his head. "Did you see him when he came out of her Ready Room?" he asked. " I've never seen him that angry."

"He was hurting Harry." Tom answered. "I saw him later, and I know he'd been crying. What ever happened in there today was huge." he said.

"And the Captain." B'Elanna added. "When she came out after shift change, her eyes were swollen. It looked as if she'd been crying for hours." she said, her eyes scanning the table.

"And her arm." Samantha said quietly.

The others turned to look at her, their eyes questioning.

"Her arm?" Harry asked.

Samantha nodded. "Yes, I shared the 'lift with her after shift change, and she tried to hide it, but it wasn't hard to notice." she said, lowering her eyes. "It was awful. Bruised around her entire wrist. It's as if someone had grabbed her and..." she trailed off, not sure herself what she was implying.

"Chakotay." B'Elanna stated flatly. "That bastard, if he hurt her..."

"No B'Elanna. No, all of you." Tom said. "We can't go messing around with them. If it hurts us this bad, can you imagine how much it's hurting them?" he asked, his hand unconsciously tightening on B'Elanna's.

"But they love each other Tom, we can't just let them give up." Harry said.

"No, we're not letting them give up. We're going to let them work it out, on their own. We know they love each other, now we have to let them realize it." Tom replied.

He directed his gaze at everyone of them, and held it there. "Give them time." he said, and turned his attention back to the table.

***

Kathryn Janeway lay in bed, her body curled into a ball. Her mind reeled from the blow of his words, "You're alone."

She continued repeating it in her mind, until she finally began to realize. She was alone, and always would be.

She caressed her bruised wrist, a memento, as her tears fell, leaving a train of pain in their wake, as they mingled on her pillow.

***

On the other side of the wall, her soulmate lay; so close, yet so far away. They cried their tears away from one another; for now, both were alone, and until they found a way to break down that wall, two hearts, slowly breaking, would cry themselves to sleep.

Kiss The Rain (Poem)
Billie Myers

Hello...
The distance in a breath
If it's not felt on my cheek
Is too much
Is too far

The sound of my voice, hollow
Echoes
Am I that out of my depth
Is that really me
Do i sound that insecure

Do you miss me
Do you wish I was there
Is that laughter on the line
Are you sure you're there alone

(Don't answer the unanswerable
If the truth would hurt)

In the space of a 5 hour time difference
My imagination has run a marathon
Of thought
Leaving loneliness to abuse me
And jealousy to pick up the pieces
Do you miss me
The way I miss you

(Silence)

Hello...
Can you hear me
Can you hear me?

Be sure to read the sequel, The Sword and the Rose

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