Disclaimer: Hal and Southern Star owns it all. I'm just letting them out for some heartache and fun.
Notes:Special thanks to Cam for putting up with me this past week: she got me into this thing, and she's stuck by me too! What a friend! Danke Cam..it means more to me than you'll ever know:-)
Note: The title is Cam's and the part with Frank and the doorbell, (you'll know what I'm talking about when you get there)that's Cam's too. I was stuck and she wrote it perfect the first time.
The song at the end comes from Savage Garden's CD entitled "Affirmation".
Rated: NC-17: So please, if you're under age, don't read!
Walking After You
By: Aquiel
The wind wiped and howled through the open window, sending an arrangement of dried flowers sprawling across the floor. Startled by the sudden invasion of the quiet, the dark haired woman in the other room ran towards the sound. "Bloody hell" Rachel cursed upon seeing the mess, now swirling defiantly in the wind. Turning to her left, she quickly closed the window, and then turned back, her eyes scanning the room.
With everything else that had been happening, she thought, now even the wind was turning her world upside down. If that analogy weren't so damn funny, she would have insisted nothing was wrong. Instead, the sudden realization that the carefully constructed life she had maintained for years, had, only moments ago, fallen apart, was enough to bring her to her knees.
On the floor of her dinning room, Rachel Goldstein hugged at her knees, as she unconsciously shuttered against the recalled memories of her past. If only she could have kept them there.
And she though she had finally gotten over it, or at least put it behind her. And then the phone rang...
***
A phone was ringing somewhere, interrupting her carefully constructed train of thought. She was trying, at least, to formulate a hypothesis on their latest case, but possible ideas had been few and far between lately. Perhaps it was the lack of sleep she=d been suffering these past few weeks. Whatever the reason, Rachel had to admit that a vacation, hell even a few days off, would do her some good.
"Hello Goldie...you in there?"
Rachel jumped, and turned towards the sound. Standing at the opening to the office, was her "partner in crime", Frank Holloway. Struggling to hold back the smile which threatened to grace her lips, Rachel raised an eyebrow, and answered him smoothly. "'t's about time you showed up Holloway. I was about to send Tommy and Syksie out to find ya."
He grinned. "At least that shows ya care about me!" He narrowly avoided the ball of paper conveniently thrown at him. "Hey" he shouted and made his way over to her desk "Whatcha working on?" he asked, sneaking a look at her computer screen.
Rachel shook her head, and leaned back in her chair, her tired muscles protesting the move into another position. "I'm just looking over the Peterson case." she answered, rubbing her sore neck.
"it's a toughie"
Frank nodded, and grabbed the chair opposite to hers. They'd been working the case with Knocker, and so far, they had a body, a name, and nothing else. " Has Helen had any luck with the name?@ he asked. They had been hoping for a lead of any kind, and Helen was their last hope. If she couldn't find anything, he was at a loss with what to do next.
AI=m just waiting for her report@ she answered " She should be here soon.@
Frank sat back in his chair as he watched his partner and friend. She looked tired, he noticed, like she could use some time off. " You like you could use a few days rest.@ he mentioned casually.
Rachel snorted at him, " Yeah, I wish.@
AI=m serious Rach; you look tired. Why don=t you ask Jeff for a few days off. Take some time to spend with David.@ he said, urging her to consider his offer. A Me and Knocker can handle the case, don=t worry.@
She had to admit, it did sound tempting. Maybe she would take a day off. But only one.
Sighing, she smiled at her friend. A Maybe" she said, and reclined in her chair. "That does sound tempting. I could work on my tan!" she joked.
Frank just smiled; knowing her, he=d have to kick her out of this place!
A So,@ he began, turning the conversation on to another topic, A have you been seeing much of Knocker these days. Outside work?@
A Ah Frank, did ya have to bring that up now?@ Rachel asked him, rolling her eyes.
A Sorry!@ he answered, throwing his hands up in innocence, A inquiring minds want to know. That=s all.@
Rachel shook her head. Frank had a knack for bringing up touchy subjects.
Again she rolled her eyes, and opened her mouth to speak but was interrupted by Helen, who knocked at the door.
AI have some info guys.@ she said, walking in.
A Don=t tell me.@ Frank began, A Peterson was involved with the mob and got himself killed because he was into some dirty money.@ He guessed-wrongly.
A Sorry Frank, not this time.@ Helen answered, and laughed as Rachel once again assaulted her partner with a wad of rolled up paper. A Frank!@ she exclaimed.
A Actually, it turns out Peterson got himself caught in a lover=s quarrel.@ Helen said, checking her notes.
A You=re kidding.@ Goldstein said.
A Nope. The autopsy report lists cause of death as trauma to the head with a blunt object, like the end of a bottle. >t seems Mr. Peterson here caught his significant other *with* another...and suffered the price.@ she responded. Anticipating the detectives= next question, she quickly added: A This according to Mrs. Peterson, who=s waiting downstairs to talk to you both. It seems as though she may have a conscience after all@
Frank stood up and grabbed his jacket: AC=mon Goldie, you may just get vacation after all!.@ he said with a smile.
Rachel threw a look over her shoulder at Helen as the left the room, A We=ll see Frank, we=ll see.@
***
Rachel Goldstein sighed audibly as she closed her front door. What a day! All she could think of doing was crawling into a nice warm bed, and drifting off to sleep. But the night was still early, and if she slept now, she=d end up wide awake later. So instead, she forced herself down the hallway into the kitchen, and slumped down at the table.
Trying to clear her mind of the day=s events was almost impossible. She had learned long ago that the saying A Leave work at work@ didn't apply to her. At least the case was on its way to being closed, she thought; one more thing to put behind her.
And what about Frank and his question about her and Knocker, she wondered. He hadn't mentioned the two of them in such a long time, that when he brought it up so suddenly, she was caught off guard. Of course she wasn't blind; she knew the attraction between her and her partner had been there, at one time. But that was a long time ago, and things had changed considerable since then. Hadn't they?
That was a question she=d been asking herself a lot lately. Maybe it was all this talk of another marriage. Yes, that had to be it, she thought.
Yawning slightly, she got out of her crouched position on the chair, and moved to change into something a little more comfortable. Then, a nice hot coffee and a good book were in order.
As she stepped out of her bedroom, clad in a pair of sweat pants and an old T-shirt; her comfort clothes, she stretched her arms behind her head. Rachel was exhausted, to say the least. Lately she found she=d been spending more time at the office then at home . Or with Knocker.
She sighed. She really did care about him and they had a good time together, but she wasn't sure in what direction their relationship was headed. On one hand, she was more than willing to take things slow; god knows she=d been hurt before. But on the other, Knocker was ready to settle down; with her. They=d have to talk about this sometime, but tonight wasn't the night to ponder life changing decisions. Her head hurt too much just thinking about it.
As Rachel moved to refill her coffee cup, the door bell rang startling her. A Damn it.@ she cursed as she spilled the hot liquid over her hand. Grabbing the nearest towel, she called out AI=m coming.@ and made her way to the door.
As she peered out the window she was more than surprised to see Frank standing on the other side,. Opening the door, she greeted him with a curious look.
A Hi.@ he responded smiling. AI thought a celebration was in order for finally closing that bloody case.@ he said in response to her un-asked question. Holding out a bottle of red wine he asked, A Can I come in?@
Rachel snapped out of her daze: A Ah, sorry. C=mon in.@ she said, allowing him to walk through.
A You weren't busy were you?@ he asked and casually looked around.
She smiled in spite of herself. Leave it to Frank to bring up the A untouchable@ subject only minutes after arriving. A No.@ she answered, grabbing the bottle. A In fact, I was on my way to bed.@ Heading into the kitchen, she resisted the urge to add *care to join me?* That was something he would have said. She mentally noted she=d been spending too much time with him.
A Alone?@ he asked casually, and reached out for the glass she offered.
A Francis!@ she admonished, swatting him on the arm. A That=s none of your business.@ *and even if it were, I wouldn't tell you anyway* she added under breath.
A Just wondering.@ he exclaimed quietly. AI wouldn't want to interrupt anything.@
A Here@ she said, handing him her glass. A Go into the living room, I=ll be there in a minute.@
Grabbing a few things from the fridge, she followed him into the other room, and took a seat on the couch, her legs tucked under her. A So, why the need for celebration?@ she asked her partner.
He shrugged. In truth he didn't know; he just felt the need to be near her. Somehow, when they were apart, he felt at somewhat of a loss, like he was missing something. Someone? He shrugged off that thought. There was little point in going there; that just didn't seem possible anymore.
He shrugged again, and took a long swallow of the deep red liquid. "It just felt right. He said, and took a deep breath. "Can you imagine finding your woman with another bloke?" he asked suddenly. "Peterson must have gone berserk!"
Rachel smiled. "Crazy enough to kill the other guy? Don't you think that's going a little too far?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I can understand his point of view, that's all I'm saying." he answered, "I mean, if I found...my girlfriend with another guy, I'd probably have to resist the urge to go after the mate." he explained.
"It's a man thing..." he said, as if that would explain it all.
"yeah right Frank." Rachel said, taking a sip of her wine. "And ramming a knife in the other bloke's chest would satisfy that masculine craving right?" she asked rhetorically.
Frank snorted. "I didn't say I'd kill him now did I? Just teach him a lesson." he said.
"And what would that be?" she asked.
"That you're not supposed to take what's not yours." he said matter of factly.
Rachel just shook her head. "You're such a pig Holloway!." she exclaimed.
"What did I do?" he asked throwing his hands up in innocence.
"It's not what you did...you should learn to think before you speak Frank. Especially around woman. It could save you some trouble I'm sure." she laughed.
Frank grinned. "Romantic advice from you Goldie? What's this bloody world coming to?!"
"Shut up Frank." she ordered, and he laughed even harder.
Their playful banter was something he had always cherished. There was just something about her and the way she acted, that set him at ease. It was something he didn't always get from his male friends. But there was always that little element of sexual tension that kept things interesting. And that he certainly couldn't get from any of his male friends. Grinning at the look on her face, he reached over and grabbed her arm, pulling her closer. "Shut up?" he said playfully. "C'mon Goldie, I don't think you really mean that now do ya?" he asked.
Rachel caught his gaze, and held it there. "You have no idea what I'm thinking." she said slowly, almost seductively.
Frank looked at her, and was immediately pulled toward her. Somewhere along the way their playful banter had become something more, and truth be told, he was a little confused. He could feel the beating if her pulse as he held her wrist in his hands, and he had to admit, it felt good. But he suddenly realized where his train of thought was leading, and quickly backed off. He let go of her hand, and moved back, placing some distance in between them.
A Frank?@ she asked quietly, unconsciously moving towards him again.
He didn't speak. It was all he could do to keep from reaching out to touch her again, but he couldn't let that happen; couldn't risk destroying the precious balance they=d obtained.
A What=s wrong? You look a million miles away...@ she trailed off, as his eyes moved up and caught her own. She was almost instantly pulled in, her defensive walls slowly falling down, as she sank deeper into pools of deep blue.
The innocent banter they=d shared only moments before was now lost in the overwhelming tension in the room. Their wine glasses forgotten, Frank mentally argued with himself. This was not what he had intended to do here tonight.
A Rach...@ he began, but once again felt overcome by his feelings. He wanted so much to tell her how he felt, but to open that part of their lives, would be risking pain. And he didn't think he could handle not having a relationship, of any kind with her.
A Frank, please tell me.@ Rachel urged, again moving closer.
Anything she asked, he would do in a heartbeat. Maybe it was a fault on his part, but he chose to believe it made him stronger. In any case, her blue eyes, sparkling in the dimmed light, made him want her all over again. A Have you ever wondered what it would be like, you and me?@ he asked suddenly, looking deep into her eyes. For a moment she didn't speak, and he was afraid he=d lost her for good. And then she did something that would forever be locked in his mind.
Reaching forward, she gently traced her hand across the right side of his face, her trembling fingers laying claim to the weathered skin she found there. Her fingers gently began a caressing movement, making circles across his cheek. And then she moved upward, tracing the bridge of his nose with her index finger, and trailed down to his lips. He could feel her trembling as she tentatively touched her finger to his lips. When he didn't protest, she began to trace the outline of his lower lip, and gasped audibly when he opened his mouth, and took her finger between his lips..
One by one he tasted each digit, and she sat before him, not moving as he began his slow ministrations. Finally, she reclaimed her hand, and once again caressed his cheek.
Frank couldn't move. He would stay in that position for the rest of his life if only it meant keeping her hand on him. As close as she was, he could smell the lingering scent of her perfume, and breathed deeply, inhaling the slightly sweet scent.
Risking a move, Frank reached up and took hold of her wrist in his hand, ceasing her exploration of his face. She looked deep into his eyes, and moved forward, leaning into him.
He knew what was coming next. Frank watched as her eyes closed, and took the initiative in continuing the journey toward her. When he touched her lips for the first time, he almost exploded at the feel of her beneath him. Taking her lead, he carefully caressed her soft lips, his tongue dancing intricate patterns across her slightly swollen flesh. Moaning softly, she opened her mouth to him, and he wasted no time in reacting.
This was like a dream come true. All rational thoughts had been pushed to the back of his mind, and the most important thing in the world was pleasing her. Unfortunately, he felt the need for air deep in his chest, and pulled back, hesitant to break contact. She was so damn beautiful, he thought, staring at her slightly dishevelled hair, and lips, swollen from his kiss.
But all too soon, reality came crashing down on his fantasy, and he soon realized what had happened. This was not the Rachel he knew; hell, this wasn't even like him, to act this way.
A Frank?@ a questioning half-moan.
A Rach, what are we doing?@ he whispered, searching her face.
She reached up to touch him again, this time when she reached the back of his neck, she pulled him forward slightly. AI want this...@ she moaned, and kissed him passionately again.
His head was spinning. He wanted this more than she would ever know, but he had to be sure.
A Rachel, are you...@ he began, but she cut him off, her trembling finger placed gently across his lips. A When you touch me I can hardly breathe...@ she responded seductively, and waited for him to speak. When he didn't, she opened her eyes and looked at him.
He was scared, she could tell. Scared of hurting her, their relationship, but wanting this so badly. Somewhere in the back of her mind, a voice, persistent, if nothing else, was telling her to stop it now, before it went too far. But she couldn't. She felt a need for him well up deep within her, and it had been there for a very long time. She was never obsolete to the tension between them, in fact, that's what made working together so interesting. But there was always that consolation that they would never become lovers because it would complicate the job too much. But at this moment, that was the farthest thing from her mind. As much as she knew it was wrong, there was something urging her on, and she knew Frank could feel it too. A Make love to me Frank.@ she whispered so softly he had to strain to hear.
But that was all it took. Once he realized she wanted this to happen as much as he did, he let go of his inhibitions, and grabbed hold of her arms, pulling her to him. He ran his hands all over her, laying claim to her lips and that sensual spot on her neck, while she moaned in response. While he had her in reach, he gently removed her shirt, and began a sensual but agonizing journey to the spot just between her breasts. He had her writhing beneath him, and he=d only just begun.
He could have stayed there, held between her arms, for the rest of the night, but he was impatient. And he could tell she was too. But this was their first time together, and he wanted to take it slowly, so he moved back up to her face, placed a gentle kiss on her lips; a promise of what was to come, and moved his hands under her body. Lifting her into his arms, he made his way up the stairs and to her room, where he lay her gently on the bed.
A You=re so beautiful Rach@ he whispered, admiring the view of the woman he...loved, sprawled out on the bed.
A And I=m getting cold@ she answered smiling, and reached for him.
Once again they were together, their clothing quickly disappearing, as they eagerly awaited the moment their bodies touched for the first time. Both Frank and Rachel took turns caressing and touching each other, exploring for the first time, what had previously been unknown. It wasn't long before both were ready to take things to the next level. Impatiently, Rachel drew Frank down on top of her, and shifted, allowing him access. As he hovered over her, he paused, and looked down at her face, flushed in the moonlight. "Open your eyes." He said softly, "I want to see you."
And without hesitation she responded, and held him tightly, as they drove their bodies together, years of pent up passion and frustration escaping with their moans. As she reached the height of her climax, she called out his name, and when he slumped down on top of her, she held him, tracing unknown patterns on his back with her fingernails.
Breathless, she rolled them over, so they were side by side, facing each other and he reached out to touch her face. "I think I love you Rachel." He whispered, and fell into a contented sleep.
She sighed, a lone tear escaping her eye and
kissed the bridge of his nose. He wasn't awake to hear her
answer.
***
The soft pattering of raindrops on the window pane was the first conscious thing Frank registered, as he struggled to open his eyes. For a moment, he couldn't quite remember where he was, and then the memories of last night came flooding back. He lay on his back, staring up at the ceiling. She was gone. He could tell even without looking; it was as much a physical loss as an emotional one. Needless to say, this was not how he had expected to wake up. Reaching over, he caressed the pillow beside his own, and rolled over, inhaling its scent. It still smelled of her.
Sitting up, Frank pulled down the light blanket covering his body and reached for his shorts. As he got out of bed, he turned to look at where she had been, only hours before, and was immediately assaulted by a feeling of anxiety. Why wasn't she there?
When he reached the bottom of the stairs, he turned to look in the kitchen. When he didn't find her, he moved on to the living room, and there, he saw her curled up in the chair across from him.
"Good morning" he said softly, not moving from his position in the doorway.
She looked up slowly, pulling her robe tight around her waist. But she didn't speak; just sat, staring at him through the haze in her deep blue eyes.
"Rachel?" he asked cautiously, moving toward her. He noticed the wine glasses from the night before were still on the floor, as was her shirt, tangled on the couch. When he reached her, he knelt by the chair, and reached out.
"Please." she said, her voice trembling slightly, "don't touch me." the last part came out barely above a whisper.
Caught off guard, his hand hovered inches from her own."Rach, what's wrong."
She shook her head, unable to speak. He could see the beginning of unshed tears in her eyes.
Frank was worried. This was nothing like his strong willed best friend; Rachel Goldstein did not cry.
"This shouldn't have happened...we shouldn't have happened." she managed, and again shied away from his touch.
He was at a loss for words; this wasn't supposed to happen, he thought, replaying things in his mind. It's not supposed to end like this. Finding his voice again, he spoke softly, "What happened last night was beautiful Rach, we made it beautiful."
She shook her head, and stared into his deep eyes. It almost broke her heart to see the depth of emotion there. He was so open to her, she could almost feel how much this was hurting him. "It shouldn't have happened Frank, I should never have let it happen."
"Rach..."
She cut him off. "Don't you see Frank, it was a mistake. It was the wine, the heat of the moment. Please..." she pleaded.
But he couldn't accept it. Grabbing her hand, he placed it over his chest, holding it there. "Is this a mistake Rachel?" he asked, his voice breaking. "Can you feel it? Don't tell me it was a mistake Rachel, we both wanted it." he said.
And then she stood up, grabbing her hand from his, and moved to the window. "No we didn't" she said. "I never wanted this to happen..."
Frank couldn't believe what he was hearing. He was there last night, he felt how much she wanted him, wanted their love, and now she was taking it all away from him. How cold she do this to him? What had happened last night was something special, or so he thought. Something was wrong, and he was damned if he was going to let her hold it back. "I love..."
"Don't...don't say it. Please."
"You know how I feel." he answered, waiting for her response. The silence stretched on between them. This wasn't the way Frank had imagined this happening. Never in his life would he have guessed they'd end up this way. Hell, he never would have imagined they'd just made love either. But it had happened, and he wasn't willing to just throw it away; pretend like it was a mistake. To him, it was everything but a mistake. And now, he just had to convince her that he was right.
Finally she turned to him, and spoke, her voice devoid of any emotion. "I think you should leave now Frank."
He could only stare. And then without saying a word, he turned and moved upstairs to collect his things. Moments later she heard a noise in. the kitchen, and then the door, as it closed behind him.
Alone, she finally released the sob that had been threatening to escape, and clutched at her robe as she fell to her knees on the floor, crying for what could never be.
***
Frank Holloway slumped down in the drivers seat of his car. His hair still tousled from early this morning, and his heart broken, from the realization that he may have just lost it all. For the life of him, he couldn't seem to grasp what had just happened; what did he do wrong? That was a question he would forever ask.
He'd replayed their previous evening over and over in his mind, trying to remember any sign of hesitation of her part, but he found nothing. In fact, he had been surprised when she touched his face to tenderly. It certainly wasn't a "you're my best friend and nothing more" kind of way. Her touch meant something to him; always did.
"Bloody hell." he cursed aloud, slamming his fist on the steering wheel. How was he going to get through this; how was he going to make things right?
To be honest, he didn't know.
But he had to try. What was life without the one you love the most?
Checking the time, he realized he had to get to work. But he had to make time to stop at home first; if he went in looking like this, the whole world would know something was wrong.
Slamming the car into drive, he sped down the road, away from Rachel and the memories of what could have been,
***
It was work as usual at the Sydney Water Police Headquarters; people were walking in and barging out, going about their business, but one member of the Water Rats' team was further away than ever.
"Rachel...Goldstein!"
Suddenly aware of where she was, Detective Senior Constable Rachel Goldstein snapped out of her reverie, and turned to face the origin of the voice behind her. "What?" she asked holding her hand up to her eyes, blocking out the harsh mid morning sun.
Helen Blakemore greeted her friend and colleague with a smile. "You alright? I just asked if there was anything wrong" she said, moving to stand beside her. Rachel sighed and leaned back against the railing over looking the Sydney harbour. Years ago, she thought this the most beautiful place on earth, and couldn't imagine her life anywhere else, but lately, especially after what happened last night with Frank, she was having trouble keeping it together. It took everything she had just to make it to work this morning.
Rachel tried to smile, but she just couldn't manage it, even for Helen. "I'm sorry Hel, it's just..it's been a long morning. That's all." she said shaking her head.
"Yeah, right." Helen responded, clearly seeing through her friend's false answer. "Now, what's really going on?" she repeated, urging Rachel to open up to her.
"Did something happen between you and Frank?" she guessed.
Rachel inhaled deeply, and looked at Helen. "Why do you say that?" she asked softly. How on earth could she have guessed this had involved Frank in any way. In truth, Rachel didn't want to admit to herself that it had effected her this much. She was content to just put the past behind her. Then again, the past has a way of creeping up when you least expect it.
"It was just a hunch." she answered, and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. "Besides, you and he have been spreading a cloud of doom around the office this morning. Someone thought we should find out what was going on." she smiled.
Putting her smile back where it belonged, Rachel again looked out over the water. Helen didn't speak, just waited for her to begin.
It was a moment before anything was said, and then finally, Rachel took a deep breath, and spoke "Something happened last night."
Helen sighed inwardly. She knew it would happen eventually, and she'd been around these two long enough to know how much they cared for one another. Whether they admitted it or not. It was only a matter of time before one or the other was going to act on these impulses. And apparently it had happened.
"Are you sorry it did?" she asked, again tucking her short hair behind her ears.
Rachel didn't answer. On one hand she was mad at herself for letting it go as far as it did, hell she was just mad it had even started in the first place. But, there was a small part of her, tucked away somewhere that enjoyed what happened last night; although she would never admit it to anyone. It was too difficult to deal with, these feelings of hers.
When it came to love and relationships, Rachel had always had trouble. She fell hard, and then ended up getting hurt, and it took time to recover. First with Jonathan; the only good thing that came out of that relationship was David. And then there was that small matter of Knocker, and her relationship with him. She had feelings for him; love, she didn't know. But they were there nonetheless, and she couldn't just dismiss him like that. He'd been with her for so long now, they'd grown together.
But was she sorry about last night, about Frank? That required a little more thought. "To tell ya the truth Hel, I don't know." She sighed, and Helen listened patiently as she continued. "I was really awful to him this morning, made him leave and everything. I haven't even seen him today." she said softly, her voice barely audible over the warm breeze.
"Aw Rach, you were just scared. It's not everyday something like this happens." she explained, gently rubbing her friend's shoulder. "Just do me a favour hm?" she asked.
"What's that?"
Helen smiled, "Just don't dismiss the idea of you and he alright? I know how much he cares for you"
Rachel could only nod, "well, I'd better get back to work." she said, turning back toward the building. "And thanks Helen, really."
"No problem...and Rach?"
She turned back to her friend, leaning against the railing. "Yeah?"
"Frank...he's down at the docks. I just...I thought you might want to know."
The dark haired woman shook her head slightly, and tried to smile. "Okay" she whispered, and continued back inside.
She just didn't know if she could do it right now.
***
For the remainder of the morning Rachel Goldstein sat at her desk, staring at the same piece of paper she'd first looked at hours ago. She couldn't concentrate; something Helen had said was continuously replaying in her mind *Aw Rach, you were just scared...*
The truth was, she was scared to death. This was not something she had planned to happen; hell, she was involved with Knocker now. She had no room in her life for complications, especially any concerning her partner.
And then Frank had to go and upset the delicately built balance she had maintained between the two. It wasn't his fault, she told herself. You were there too. And she was. She was a part of what had happened, whether it was intended or not. And she had to deal with the consequences of her actions, however good or bad they might be. Finally, Rachel decided it was time to act. Helen said she'd seen him down at the dock, so maybe it was time she took the initiative, and went down to talk.
As she made her way to the water, Rachel couldn't help but think about last night. The way she led him on, and the way she encouraged both their actions and responses. It wasn't like her to take the lead like that; she just couldn't figure out what had come over her. She would never be able to replace the feel of his hands on her body; that would be with her forever. But this was her life, she was talking about; Frank was her best friend, she worked with him everyday. They were going to have to put this behind them in order to move forward, because she knew, it was something she couldn't face for very long.
But what if he wanted more, she asked herself. What if he wasn't ready to accept the fact that it had been a one night stand, a momentary weakness on her part. Rachel began to slow down, the determination in her step now gave way to hesitation. Was she really prepared to face him again knowing the feelings he had invoked in her such a short time ago?
Maybe this wasn't such a good idea; it was too soon, She needed time to think things through. With this realization, Rachel turned and began her walk back to the office. But she had just turned back when she heard steps behind her.
"Rachel?"
She stopped walking. *Not now* she pleaded inwardly.
The man behind her stood where he was, and waited for her acknowledgment. Moments later she turned, and they stood there, facing one another until he spoke again. "How are ya?' he asked, more for the sake of breaking the silence than for any other reason.
She only nodded at him, and looked around, avoiding his gaze.
He noticed immediately that she was avoiding him; looking anywhere but in his direction. That was a bad sign, he thought. He had been rationalizing things, saying that all she needed was a little time to work through her feelings, and then everything would be alright.
"Yeah, well about last night..." he began, but she cut him off.
"Frank, please. I know what you're going to say." she said, waving him off. "And now really isn't the time." she explained, moving away.
But he spoke again, stopping her in her tracks. "When will it be the right time to talk about this?" he asked, emotion plain in his voice.
She couldn't give him an answer. In truth, she didn't know. "Frank..." she whispered, and looked around again.
Frank Holloway couldn't help but notice the way the slight breeze was blowing her dark hair around her face. Or the way she held herself at a distance from him. It was as though she were trying to place a physical barrier between them in order to make up for the emotional one she'd recently lost. But it wasn't going to work.
"I just need some time...I need to sort through some things Frank." she said, breaking him from his reverie.
He nodded in understanding."Take all the time you need Rach." he said, and passed her on his way back to the office. "Take all the time you need."
And then he looked back at her solitary figure, standing in the middle of the dock. " I'll still be here." he said softly, not entirely sure she had heard.
But she had, and as much as it broke her heart to admit it, that just made what she had to do all the more difficult.
***
John "Knocker" Harrison took a sip from his glass of water, and once again turned toward the entrance. Checking his watch again, he sighed and took another look at the menu sitting on the table. It had been almost three weeks since they'd solved the Peterson case, and he'd been working with Frank and Rachel. Now that they were no longer working together, Knocker found that he was spending less and less time with Rachel, so he'd asked her to have lunch with him today in order to spend some time together. That, and he had some important news to share. Checking his watch one more time, he sighed. Where could she be, he wondered.
And then he heard a voice standing over him, and a set of car keys thrown to the table "Sorry I'm late. I got held up with this case we're working on. Some poor old guy just killed his best mate out on the harbour." Rachel Goldstein explained and took her seat opposite to her lover.
Knocker smiled and handed her the menu, "I didn't think you were coming." he said, taking another drink.
She looked up at him, and raised her eyebrow; "of course I was coming, I just got held up. That's all." she said. Realizing the waiter was standing at their table, Rachel quickly decided on a garden salad and a glass of wine.
"Not hungry?" Knocker asked, considering what she had just ordered.
Rachel shook her head. She hadn't had much of an appetite the past couple of weeks. "Not really." she replied, and quickly changed the subject. "So, tell me. Why the need to take me out to lunch?" she asked.
Knocker smiled, and responded. "I just thought we could spend some time together. We haven't been around each other long enough to even say hello!" he explained, and laughed when she gave him another one of 'those looks'. "Alright!" he exclaimed, admitting defeat. "The truth is...I have some good news."
She smiled, "What?"
"I found out this morning that I've been offered a job in Melbourne." he said, looking at her.
Rachel just stared at him, shock written on her features. "Melbourne?"
He nodded. "The pay's better, there are more benefits, and it's a chance to get out of here." he said, looking around. Upon seeing the confused look on her face, he sighed , "Rachel, you know as well as I do that things haven't been the same around here since Kevin died." he said. "Frank and I just..just haven't been working well. My being Kevin's partner and all. And it's beginning to take its tole on me, our relationship. I think it would be good for Frank and I to get away from each other, ya know. Just for a while." he said.
She nodded; it was true enough. Frank just couldn't quite come to terms with his brother's death, and the fact that Knocker had been there when he'd died, well, she could understand the tension between them. But Melbourne, why so far away, she wondered.
"Rachel?" he asked.
"What?"
He hesitated, not entirely sure how to begin. Finally, he spoke. "I want you to come with me. To Melbourne. I know you could get a transfer to the local detachment" he said, taking her hand in his.
Her head was spinning, and for a moment she thought she'd misheard him. But then he saw the look on his face, and she knew he'd really said it. He was asking her to leave everything behind, and up and leave. "But David..." she began, and he cut her off.
"David could come any time he wanted." he said, pressing on. "I just want you to be there with me Rachel."
She had to think about this; it wasn't a decision she could make right away. There were things to consider; her father, her job. Frank. "I..I'm not sure..."
"Shh. You don't have to decide right now. Just take your time and think it through alright?' he asked.
She nodded. "I will. I promise." she said, smiling. Maybe this was something she needed; a chance to get away from this place, from all the memories it held. There wasn't really anything keeping her hear. Was there? And as their meal arrived, she smiled back at Knocker, and for the first time in weeks, she really felt that things were beginning to look up.
***
Frank Holloway slowly walked down the pier, watching as the wind gently rocked the boats back and forth. The sun was warm today, and he'd already shed his suit coat, trailing over his arm.
What he wouldn't give to be able to go out on the water, just for a day. Maybe he would be able to clear his head, get his thoughts together. It looked so calm and peaceful; so inviting. He would love to take her sailing.
It had been a hell of a couple of weeks, and he wasn't sure how to go about making things any better between them. It just hurt so much being so close to her, and not being able to reach out and touch her, just once. They were hardly even talking to one another. They said enough to communicate the needs of the job, but anything beyond that was unapproachable.
He sighed and stopped walking. Turning toward the water, he looked out over the harbour. He hadn't been sleeping much these past few weeks, his dreams were haunted by memories from that night; images of her beautiful smiling face looking down at him.
Hell, he needed to do something about this; they needed to talk things over. Really talk; not just touch the surface, and when things got too hard to handle, lock it away again. It was tearing them apart. And that was the last thing he had ever wanted to happen.
Rachel was his best mate, his partner at work. He trusted her everyday with his very life, and yet he was finding it more and more difficult just to look at her. It was hard keeping things buried, when you knew they were breaking your heart.
Realistically, he had to admit his chances of being with her were slim, to say the least. But that was all he was asking for; a chance. The night he went over to her house with a bottle of wine, he had no intentions of sleeping with her, hell, he really did just want to celebrate the case. But maybe it was the wine, or the heat of the moment, but they had both taken a step forward and they could never go back again.
If only she would realize that.
"Frank?"
He turned suddenly, caught off guard by the presence of someone behind him. But almost instantly he relaxed; it was Goldie.
"Hey" he managed, looking over at her. Her deep blue eyes avoided his gaze, and his chest tightened when she didn't look back.
"Some case we're working on eh?" she said, turning to look out over the water.
He nodded, "yeah. Poor old bloke, ya can't help but feel sorry for him." he began. "Ya drowned your best mate because you've had one too many drinks than ya can handle. He's gotta live with that the rest of his bloody life." he said.
Rachel nodded. "Yeah. Listen Frank..." she turned toward him. "I have to talk to you."
He smiled slightly at her. "I'm right here."
"Yeah well, there's been a lot going on these past few weeks, and even before that. I've been under a lot of stress." Rachel admitted, playing with her hands.
"We've all been under a lot of stress. Maybe you should take some time off." he suggested.
She shook her head. "No Frank, it's more than that. It's just..." she hesitated. " it's hard to find the strength to come to work every morning. Ya know what I mean?" she asked rhetorically.
Frank only nodded, waiting for her to continue.
The silence stretched on between them and for a moment Frank wondered if she's forgotten what to say. And then finally she spoke, her voice hardly above a whisper.
"I'm leaving the station Frank."
He couldn't have heard her right; the wind must have swallowed her words, and he confused them with those he swore he'd never hear. But one quick glance at her face, and he realized that he hadn't heard wrong.
She was leaving him.
"You're what?" he asked, standing at full attention before her. "You can't leave. It's..."
"I'm leaving Frank. I have to. The job isn't 'fun' for me anymore." she said, willing him to listen to her words.
But to no avail. Frank began to pace in circles around their spot on the docks, running his hands through his short brown hair. "Maybe you just need some time off..." he said again, "and then when you come back, everything 'll be fine..."
But she shook her head once more. "Things aren't going to be fine Frank, they'll never be 'fine' again." she pleaded.
But he persisted, unwilling to just let her walk away. It was the least he could have done, considering their past, and their relationship. "And Knocker, what about him?" he asked, throwing another look in her direction. "Does he know you're leaving?"
The silence around them was almost overwhelming. When she didn't answer, he began to understand. "Rach...Rachel.."
Finally she looked up. "He's been transferred to Melbourne. He wants me to go with him." she said quietly.
Frank was in shock. He started pacing again. "Melbourne? What in bloody hell is he going to do there? And what about David?" and then he asked, more subdued than a moment before. "Are you going with him?
All she could do was nod her head " I can't do this anymore" she whispered.
He stopped pacing as the meaning of her words caught up with him. Walking over to her, he gently grabbed her arms, and forced her to look at him "If this is about us, about what happened..." he paused, gauging the look on her face. "We can work it all out, I promise. We'll sit and talk it all out; just the two of us. You don't need to leave Rach, please...don't leave me." The last part came out as a forced whisper, and she would have had to strain to hear him, had she not understood from only the look in his eyes. This was tearing him apart.
"Please..." she started, pulling away from him, her own emotions near the surface. "Don't make this any harder than it has to be."
But there was nothing she could have said to ease the pain. It was all Frank could do to keep from falling to his knees, begging her to reconsider, and even then he wasn't sure it would work. His heart was breaking in two, and from the look on her face, he was sure she was feeling it as well And if he could have done anything, said anything to make her change her mind, god knows he would have tried. Because at this moment he was losing his partner, best friend, and that little bit of heaven all in the same instant. And it was more than he could handle.
Forcing back the tears that threatened to spill, he reached out for her hand; holding out for his lifeline, and she too, held hers out to him. But before their fingers could touch, she pulled away, holding her hand to her breast. "I have to go." she mouthed, her voice swallowed up by the wind, the water and the pounding in his chest. And as he watched her move away, he could only reach for her, willing her to turn back, and at the same time, knowing there was nothing he could do change her mind. "Rachel" he called out, as her form grew smaller in the distance.
His head was spinning as she turned to look back, holding her hand up to him; a final farewell. And he couldn't help the lone tear that spilled down his cheek as he watched her; the tilt in her head, the way in which she walked away; this was the woman he had loved all his life. There would never be another like her. And then he spoke the words which would haunt him for years; forever reminding him what he'd had, and what he'd lost; "Don't leave me." He whispered; a plea that would never be heard.
***
It had taken Frank Holloway a long time to be able to remember the events of that day without breaking down in the process. The memory of her walking away from him was still as clear as ever in his mind; he doubted it would ever go away completely.
But, over the past couple of years, he'd learned to keep going. He still had Helen and the rest of the Water Rats team to rely on, but it was never quite the same. Over time, he found that speaking her name didn't hurt quite as much as the day before, and it wasn't long before he began to realize that he couldn't quite remember her features without looking at a photograph. Of course, he was horrified when this happened, because Rachel Goldstein was almost like a mantra to him; a name he repeated over and over again, hoping somehow that if he said her name often enough, she would come back to him.
But it never did happen, and gradually the pedestal he had placed her on began to lower, and he began to think he'd moved on. He'd even gone out on a date a time or two, although nothing much ever came from it.
Yes, he thought, he'd moved on. And then one day he happened to be downstairs at work when Helen came in, a smile plastered on her face. "Hey guys, it's from Rachel!" she said, waving the opened letter around. Immediately there were questions from her friends; where was she, how was she doing.
Was she coming back?
And it was at that moment, when he saw her face upturned, waiting for a kiss, and then holding her hand out to him, waiting to be touched; it was then that he realized how wrong he'd been.
Rachel was never forgotten, only moved aside; pushed deeper into his heart, because that was the only way he could persuade himself to go on living, knowing that she was out there somewhere. And he was alone.
He dropped in to Helen's office later that day, and asked casually if she knew where Rachel was staying. "She's at her dad's house." she replied, a sad smile graced her lips. "You should go see her Frank." she said, and handed him the letter. "She asked how you were."
Frank nodded and took the letter. "Thanks Helen." he said, and moved back to his office. Sitting at his desk, he held the letter in his shaking hands. Two years it had been since she'd been this close to him. Of course, she had written a letter or two; called him on his birthday, but it wasn't the same. And now, he had the opportunity to see her again. The question was, was he willing to take the chance?
The last time he'd asked himself that question, his heart had been broken. He wasn't sure if he could do it again.
But, one memory after another flooded his thoughts, and of course he knew he had to see her.
Picking up the phone, he carefully dialled the number he had memorized so long ago. She sounded different, from when they last spoke, more reserved somehow, more cautious. He couldn't tell whether it was because of who she was talking to, or the fact that he had asked to come and see her. Nonetheless, she hadn't objected, and after a moment of silence, they bid farewell. So, he made plans to take the next day off, and left that evening with a knowing smile from Helen. "Tell her I said 'hi'" she said, and walked away.
The next morning Frank awoke to sunshine streaming in his room. If it had been any other day he would have wondered warily to the window to shut the blinds, but today was the day. Today could very well be a new beginning of sorts.
He hurried through his morning routine, and it wasn't long before he was on the road. Hell, he even caught himself humming a tune, as he started up the engine. She always had that effect on him.
As he reached the familiar road, leading up to Felix's house, his optimistic mood suddenly; crumbled, or at least took a turn for the worst. What was he expecting from this? He asked himself realistically. Hell, Rachel was probably married to Knocker by now. And for all he knew, she was dreading this little visit of his.
But then, why did she want him to come?
And suddenly he found himself parked out in front of the house, the engine turned off. Well, here he was. Over two years and a hell of a lot of heartache later, he was only a few feet away from her again. There was no way he was turning back now.
As he stepped out of the car, he brushed off his coat-a nervous reaction he assumed- and made his way up the walk. Finally, he was standing at the door, his hand hovering over the bell.
Taking a deep breath, he steadied his hand so it wouldn't shake, and then pushed it in. He heard steps inside, and then he was finally looking at her again. "Rachel" he said, sounding her name out loud for the first time in years.
His former partner stood, leaning against the door, looking at him. "Frank" she said so softly, he could hardly hear her.
And then he spoke the only thing that came to mind, "So, how ya been?" he asked, and then mentally kicked himself for saying what was perhaps the worst thing to say in a situation like this.
But she took it in stride. "I've been good Frank, and you?" she returned politely.
He nodded. "Great, just great." he said, and then pressed on. " How's David? Getting big I reckon" he said.
Rachel nodded, "Yeah, he's out with dad playing soccer. How's work been going?" she asked.
Frank scratched the top of his head. "I'm still there with the rest of the gang. Helen says hi' by the way; I know she'd love to see ya again. They've all missed ya..." he said quietly, and then added. "I've missed ya...Goldie"
She didn't respond, and for a moment he was sure he'd blown any chance in hell he'd had, and then she turned her gaze upward, and met his own.
"It's been a long time since I've heard anyone call me that." she whispered, looking deep into his blue eyes. Over two years. That was a long time when your other half was missing, and you were denying he even existed.
Taking a deep breath, Frank finally asked the question he'd spent years wondering about; "Is..is Knocker here?" he asked quietly.
Rachel shook her head, still not moving from the door. "No," she responded.
Frank looked at her expectantly.
"We kinda drifted apart once we moved. It's been,..almost a year since we've been together." she explained, just as softly.
"Why didn't you come back home?" he asked. "When you two broke it off."
She shrugged. "I think I felt I needed some time away from work...from everything around here." she said, looking around. "But it's good to be back."
Frank nodded, and inwardly smiled. It was a start.
For a moment Rachel just studied him, standing there in the door. It was so natural to have him there with her, that she couldn't help the smile that graced her lips.
It was hard to believe that the last time she'd seen him, he'd been close to tears on the dock at work. That was perhaps one of the most difficult things she'd ever had to do, but at the time, it seemed like her only option. Now she knew just how wrong she'd been.
Looking back, she began to realize that one of the only reasons she'd decided to go to Melbourne with John, was because she knew she couldn't handle not being with Frank. But on the other hand, she honestly didn't think there was any way they could ever be together. She had been running away from her problems again; she'd always been good at that.
But here they were again, standing face to face, the silence between them not entirely uncomfortable; just like old times. "Just like old times." she whispered, and Frank gave her a questioning look.
"Just thinking out loud" she explained, and crossed her arms at her chest.
"Hey," she said suddenly, smiling brightly for the first time this morning "Do ya wanna come in...have some coffee?" she asked, standing aside.
Frank smiled and let go of the breath he'd been holding. "Yeah, I'd like that." he said nodding, and followed her in. God he'd missed that smile. And as Rachel closed the wooden door behind them, she paused, and turned to look at her former partner, best friend...and lover.
It would take time, and a lot of patients to try and put the pieces of their relationship back together, and it could never go back to the way things were. But with time, she was confident they would come to some kind of resolution. She was certainly willing to give it a try, after all, they'd waited this long.
And now that she was back, she was finally able to put some closure on a part of her life; but she couldn't look upon it as an ending, because it was more than that. After all this time, after all they'd been through, both together and apart, she had to keep telling herself that this was real; that he was standing right in front of her, and would be, as long she asked him to. It had taken her a long time to realise that, but he was at her side now, just like he'd always been, and that's just where she wanted him to stay. Forever.
Ende
I Don't Know You Anymore
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