I knew her slightly
short, pretty
with that stunning combination of big blue eyes
and dark brown hair
pleasant
Mom of two girls
wife of a truck driver
someone who came to our neighborhood parties
bearing huge platters of deviled eggs.
So when I heard that she shot herself
in her back yard
and that thank the good Lord her neighbor discovered it
before her kids got home from school
I was shaken to my roots.
All day I thought about it.
So many questions.
What thoughts went through her mind
that drove her to death?
Could anything really be so terrible
that you would choose never to make
another deviled egg
or kiss your kids
or say Hi to your husband
again?
Could you love your children
and yet take the chance that they might find you
head blown apart
outside on the grass
where they played?
What was she thinking that morning
as she got the kids up and out to school
washed the breakfast dishes?
Was she excited about her plan?
Angry?
Depressed?
A cold wind blew through my soul
because I had felt the sticky long black fingers
of depression
so it could have been me.
That night we all gathered at Gwyn's house
after the kids were in bed
and the men helped Malcolm cover the pool
for winter
not laughing or joking like they usually did
and us ladies got out hotdog buns
and started the grill
and brought over leftover pies and cakes
with pieces missing
and we sat around on lawn chairs
and Marilyn said
"She never learned how
to make the best of things.
She was always unhappy.
She thought she deserved more than she got."
And Gladys said
"True, but bless her heart
I felt the need to pray for her all day today."
I looked over at Larry
pulling the pool cover tight
adjusting the rope
not looking at me
never looking at me
not loving me.
But even though I was often lonely
with that deep starved loneliness
of an unloved woman
and even though I knew my children
were not perfect angels
because Adam was a handful
and Amy always wanted her way
and Annabelle had a sassy mouth on her
and even though my dreams
of being a busy happy fulfilled preacher's wife
working for the Lord
hadn't come true
and I was just a lower-middle-class lady
with nothing going for me
but being a wife and mother
still
I was so happy and thankful
to be sitting out under the moon
on this dark cool fall night
smelling blackened hotdogs
wondering if anybody had sliced up any onions
and alive.