My grandmother
who we called "Mutter"
was a feisty little lady
with strong opinions.
One time
during the Depression
an old colored man
who lived down the street
and around the corner
who did odd jobs
like fixing a sagging porch
for one dollar
and who Mutter called "Jim Crow"
came to the door
and said he was hungry.
Mutter took the meat and bread
off her children's plates
wrapped it neatly in waxed paper
put it in a paper sack
and gave it to him.
When her children cried
got upset
asked her why
because they were hungry too
with nothing to eat since breakfast
she said they would have oatmeal in the morning
but poor Jim Crow never had oatmeal.
Another time
she gave my mother a nickel
for a loaf of bread
and Mom lost it somewhere
on the way to the store
and when she got home
Mutter beat her with an umbrella
until the spokes broke.
Mutter had 15 children.
She was married to a house painter
our grandfather
who we called "TuDaddy"
a thin frail little man
who never made much money
and they lived in a big old creaky house
on Chartiers Avenue in Pittsburgh.
Her life wasn't easy.
So who knows what happened
earlier in the day
on the day she packed her suitcase
and moved out.
Something got to her.
Maybe the baby was screaming
or she had a fight with TuDaddy
or she just plain got sick of it all.
She was gone for a few weeks
while the house and TuDaddy and the kids
fell apart
suppers not made
babies not changed
bedsheets left musty
plants not watered
cuts and scrapes not kissed
and then one day she came home
washed the dishes
swept the porch
bathed all 15 children
and never said where she went
or why.
One time when my Mom was getting old
she was talking to me on the phone
and she told me she had been bitter
for many years
about the umbrella beating
the taking of food off her plate
the long absence
but now she had only love in her heart
for her "little Mom".
"Because"
she said to me
"I have no idea
what made her lose control
and beat me
that day."
"But something happened
because she wouldn't have done it
unless she was pushed to the wall."
I thought of all my resentments
against Mom
and wondered what it would be like
to be her
living her life
with its ups and downs
and breaking points.
TuDaddy and Mutter and two of their sons
Music Playing: Make the World Go Away
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