In the fall of 2002 my husband Glenn (age 36) and I (32) had been married 2 1/2 years and really wanted to start a family. We'd each been through two or three job layoffs/changes due to the Internet bubble burst; we'd seen our city attacked on 9/11; and we'd sold our apartment and lived with my in-laws for 6 months. Things were finally starting to change, however. My husband got a job in Rhode Island and we found a beautiful home. Two days before our closing I found out I was pregnant. I felt that my life was finally going right, but given the past couple of years I should have known that when one good thing happens, another bad follows.

When I went for a 8.5-week appointment they couldn't find a heartbeat. I had to live with this fear and uncertainty for one week before another ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage. I had a D&C at 10 weeks. I didn't expect it to be a hard recovery, and at first it wasn't. However, 2 days later I woke up with terrible cramps and heavy bleeding that persisted the next 5 days, right up until Christmas Eve. The bleeding continued but at least the cramps got a little better and I could eat and sleep again. When I went for my 2-week check up on New Year's Eve, I thought the worst of the grief and physical pain was behind me, and I was eagerly anticipating trying again. Wrong. I was told that the pathology reported indicated it was a molar pregnancy. At the time, I'd never heard of a mole, so when the doctor started talking about cancer, my jaw dropped. Happy New Year!

I went home stunned and immediately turned to the internet for more info. I wish I'd found this site then! After 4 months of weekly blood tests and the endless cycle of waiting, my HCG levels stopped dropping. So I could either have another D&C or try methotrexate. I opted for the latter, given my experience with the D&C. Luckily it worked, and after 9 weeks of bleeding my levels reached zero. (By the way, don't believe them when they say there are no side effects either).

It has been four months of monthly tests and I'm happy to say that I'm still in the zero-zone. Unfortunately time is stretching on endlessly, and no matter how much I try to fill it, my clock keeps ticking louder. Knowing that if I'm lucky I'll be 35 when I have my first child, I'm very eager to start trying again.

Update: February 2004
I have a happy update on my story.

After 4 months of weekly blood draws, the methotrexate brought my levels down to zero. I tested at zero for 6 months, when I was given the OK to try again. Extremely lucky, I got pregnant on the first try. While the pregnancy has had its scary moments (lots of bleeding) and trials (vomiting multiple times a day until 20 weeks), it is worth every second. I'm currently 24 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and eagerly anticipating holding her in my arms soon.

Here is a recent picture of me at 20 weeks, in my first day in maternity clothes!