Rediculously Scattered Thoughts
12:54 am ; February 6
So life is great and everything but i'm starting to get really frustrated at the uncertainty of it all. Three days will be absolutly insanely wonderful and the WHAM...non stop shit for a week. I mean honestly. What have I done to deserve being stressed out beyond all earthly explaination. I mean what is it with these curve balls that get thrown at you when you least expect them. Its not just in one aspect of my life either. Its in every aspect- school, work (attempting to find...), relationships (also attempting to find...), family (Mom ran over my dog), etc. At least I have one thing that I know for sure. I know what I want in the future.
I want three dogs, at least one Irish Setter. I know I want to land a kick-ass job as a creative in an agency where I get to help execute fabulous print advertisements on Macs (screw helping-i'll do it all myself) and manipulate peoples minds into believing they should really buy shit they don't actually need- all that right when i graduate at age 21. Over the next 5 years I want to be on my way to being a creative director and having a corner office overlooking some sky-line somewhere- and have an office with my own bathroom and a wet bar and lots of windows. And before that I know I want to meet the man of my dreams before I'm 23, marry him and go to Monaco for the honeymoon by the time I'm 25, and have three kids before i'm 33 (Used to be 30 but I bumped it up for safety). I know I want a very NOT fucked up life with no cheating or talk-show shit going on- just that real true love shit we all dream of but never find- and I want to travel all over the world at my leisure and all the time be classified by my sons friends as a MILF.
I know just what I want ...but I'm starting to wonder if thats good or if I'm jsut putting too much pressure on myself... My biggest fear in life is to end up alone- and these days nothing has been worse then loneliness. And how am I going to guard myself against that if I remain so weary and untrusting of guys in general (You can really be assholes you know). I need to work my ass off and do good academically but lately my mind is so scattered I can't concentrate on anything for longer then 10.4 minutes until my mind drifts off into fields of oblivion where I proceed to run around in cirlces, freaking out over the uncertanties of my life.
I want to do so many things but I don't have the time or patience. At least those are the excuses I come up with. I want so many things from people but I'm having trouble giving before receiving. I want to hear things I can't tell people and I want to see things I can't yet truly envision. I make no sense to anyone, including me half the time, yet I have a strange feeling that underneath it all I have it all more together then others. I'm sick of using excuses when I don't need to and telling the truth when I should really just lie. I'm tired of people staring through me and others looking too deep. I'm tired of no one really truly knowing me and me not really truly knowing anyone. I miss being missed and I want to be wanted. I'm tired of not being told, but I don't miss the accidental lies. I wish i had a reason to trust- in anyone- especially myself. Then again I bet everyone feels like this when they really think about it-like their lives are stuck in some vacuum and really aren't going where they really want them to, and then you see someone elses life and just wish you could do a little exchange dealio. Or better yet just pull them right into yours so they can truly understand where you are coming from and so maybe you can truly understand them- i mean sometimes we all need a little reality check proving to us that we are not really the center of the unvierse. We've all gone through crazy shit and we all seem to think that we've gone through worse and insanely more painful shit than others. I guess thats part of the selfishness of life- sometimes you are just unable to see things out of that universe that's inside your far-from-sensible mind. We- and when i say we i really mean I- just need to find someone to help get it all clear again; the skies need to turn blue; they've been overcast for a little to long now...But those crazy ass random patches of blue...The ones that came out of nowhere...Those ruled. Hell. I rule. Even when I'm scattered. Best force myself to think positively. We all are so good at lying to others that maybe we can now start lying to ouselves-and believe it. Now wouldn't that be something....Maybe i'll give it a try...
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