Came home from my day off with my mom to find a message on my answering machine. I got hired for that fancy-pants library job I've been wanting! I applied march 26th and we knew they'd decided maybe two, three weeks ago, but they only told us today. can you imagine the steam shooting out of my ears?
Well, I must confess. The reason I'm so psyched about this full time job with benefits, an excellent salary, and every other weekend off... okay, so it's not about all of that. It's about winning. It's about being the "grown up friend" in a stupid competition some of my friends didn't intend to start. But they did, and I won! Bwahahahaha!!! I am superior! In your face! In your face!
Don't get me wrong, I'm not competing with most of you. It's only a select panel of people I was trying to humiliate -- I mean, impress -- with my good fortune. I'm perfectly happy wallowing in poverty. I'd love to be 20 forever and live like we did at Denison. As a matter of fact, to celebrate this professional advancement, this position of higher respect and responsibility, I plan to go to the dingy little Pitt dive across the street and get ginormously embarassingly drunk with the other library proletariat. I'll probably talk too loud, spill things on myself and others, and say at least two -- no, three -- things that are guaranteed to make me cringe for weeks. In fact, even this victory/snubbing is wildly immature. But frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about anything but giving a few assholes their comeuppance. And that's a little flame I've been burning for more years than I've known most people... just trust me, you don't want to get involved. It could get ugly.
Victory screech! Leeleeleeleeleeleeleeleeleeleelee!!!!!
bonus (and yet so lame) top ten list
Pet Peeves of working in a library:
10. People who throw books at you and stare at you without saying anything like you're some kind of a
new breed that psychically predicts library transactions through pheromones.
09. The fact that the default date for everything in the computer is 20--, which means you have to delete
constantly to work with anything but the last three years... in a library that's two hundred years old.
08. People who walk up to the desk with their library cards in their mouths.
07. People who will pay $5 for a two-night rental at blockbuster, and bitch about a dollar late fine after
their first seven days were free.
06. "I don't care what the computer says, I didn't rack up eight hundred dollars in lost books from six
libraries over the course of the last three years!"
05. You announce you're closing in fifteen minutes, in ten minutes, in five minutes... and finally, at two
minutes after, everybody gets into line and starts pushing and shoving, as though they were in a
hurry.
04. "Hi, I see you have one of our "classic" library cards. Can I interest you in upgrading to our new
"Donor Plus" card? It comes with a keychain card and a tax-deductible letter for only fifty dollars."
03. "Can't you just take care of those fines for me? Yeah, just erase them for me and we'll pretend it
never happened."
02. "What do you mean my reserves aren't here? I don't care what the computer says, my reserves are
here, goddamn it, and I'm not leaving without them! Go look again, and keep looking until you find
them."
01. "I can't tell you when your promotion begins, how much money you'll be making, when your benefits
kick in, or even what you'll actually be doing down there, and I don't know when I'll find out, but I
can tell you I'll email you when I find out."
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