TD1216

Well. Here it is, only 9 days before another depressing holiday. I've never been alone on a Christmas before. Just on Thanxgivings. But never on Christmas.

I don't like the holidays. Especially Christmas. Because there's only one thing I want this year, and I'm almost 95% sure that I won't get it. Therefore, I'm pretty sure I'll get a bunch of worthless crap, and the bad part about it is that I have to pretend to like it or atleast say "thanx" in order to not make another person feel how I do: wourthless.
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My friend Sophie gave me an All-Natural Ukrainian Calming Pill yesterday. It is quite interesting and a mix of other emotions to describe the path I'm going down while on this pill.

It was smaller than the tip of a pencil eraser and yellow. As soon as I had this tiny thing inside of my esophagus, I emitted a landslide of noises, such as laughter and maddening vocals. I believe that this was all emotions exiting my body. For that evening, I became calm.

Too calm.

And now, I am still calm. Now, if you've ever even spoken one single sentence to me, you know that I am anything but calm. Especially lately. If I'm not faking happiness by laughing, then I'm being pissed or I'm bauling my eyes out.

But the word CALM has, and never should be, associated with my name. But now it's the only thing I can feel, like I have no other emotions.
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I need to be lazy some more.

~10z~