WINE.
SANGRIA.
LIQUOR.
ANY OTHER FORM OF BOOZE.
BLACK MINSTREL SHOWS.
WHEN SOMEONE CROAKS.
P.I.
TACO BELL.
SENOR WENCES.
THE L.A. RIOTS.
O.J. SIMPSON MAKING A MOCKERY OF JUSTICE.
PAINFUL BONE MARROW TRANSPLANTS.
POLKA.
ROSEANN'S 3RD ROLL OF FAT.
ANGRY MUSIC.
PALESTINIAN FREEDOM FIGHTERS.
BURNING THE PRESIDENT IN EFFIGY.
HOT RODS.
LATINO GANGS & THEIR WACKY GANG SIGNS.
THOSE HUMAN INTEREST STORIES ON THE NEWS REGARDING DRIVING CANINES.
BUDD DWYER'S SUICIDE.
CAFFIENE IN ANY FORM.
XYLOPHONES.
KILLING OUR ENEMIES.
FONDUE.
ELDERLY WAR HEROS WHO WONT SHUT THE F^%# UP.
GLOBAL WARMING.
DON KING'S ZANY 'FRO.
ANYTHING FROM MACEDONIA.
RESTING.
GUNS.
BULLDOGS.
SENSELESS ACTS OF RANDOM VIOLENCE.
TATTOOS.
SEEDY PUBS.
ILLEGAL CABLE.
HEARSES.
SHRUNKEN HEADS.
CORN DOGS.
SICKLE CELL ANEMIA.
MAKING THE HOMELESS DO TRICKS FOR SPARE CHANGE.
GOSSIP RAGS.
HOLYFIELD'S MISSING EAR CHUNK.
THE MEXICAN DAY OF THE DEAD.
PLAYING "SINK THE ISLAND" IN THE BATHROOM.
ALBERT FISH.
DR. KERVORKIAN'S ZANY YET HELPFUL PROFFESSION.
BARBARA EDEN'S SEE THROUGH GENIE OUTFIT.
THE FALLING ELDERLY.
VOODOO DOLLS.
EL SANTO.
DETECTIVE JOHN SHAFT (HE'S A BAAAD MOTHERF@#%ER!)
VIKING HELMETS.
FEZ'S.
KILTS.
DON CORNELIUS & HIS SOOOOUUUULLLLL TRAIN.
BAG PIPES.
THE GREAT DEPRESSION. (EVERYONE WAS DEPRESSED, IT WAS GREAT)
GASOLINE FUMES.
FREAKS.
THE FAT DUTCHMAN.
HARVEY KEITELS NUDE SCENE IN "THE BAD LIEUTENANT".
POWER TOOLS.
FALLEN SPORTS HEROES.
LARGE RUSSIAN WOMEN.
EATS. (SO GOOD)
THE MEAN STREETS OF CHINA TOWN.
HOCKEY FIGHTS.
GAMBLING.
NIPPLE CLAMPS.
T.N.T.
ANGRY MOBS.
GETTING A CABBIE THAT SPEAKS ENGLISH.
POLITICAL SCANDALS.
MORTUARY SCIENCE.
TUPAC'S PERFORATED LUNG.
THE ISLAMIC JIHAD.
SNOW MOBILES / JET SKIS.
LARRY "BUD" MELMAN.
SKIN FLICKS.
WOODEN SHOES.
LA PARKA.
7-11.
ICES FROM DOLLY'S ON AVENUE U.
TEEN ANGST.
BUDDAH'S FAT TUB.
MUSIC SO LOUD THAT IT RESULTS IN SERIOUS EAR INJURY.
THE YELLOW PAGES.
ZAMBONI.
CLOWN CARS.
ANGELA DAVIS'S AFRO AND THE MYSTERY IT REPRESENTS.
THE HAMBURGLAR.
THROWIN UP GANG SIGNS.
THE RISING DOW JONES.
SWORD SWALLOWING.
THE CARESS OF A JAPANESE GEISHA GIRL.
TOFUTTI.
SPITE.
USING THE WORD "CONCUBINE" IN A SENTENCE.
BLAXPLOITATION FILMS.
CASHEWS.
BUBBLE WRAP.
FLUFF.
RANTING DRUNKARDS.
HATE.
PROPELLERED HATS.
YODELING.
GUMBO.
FIRE WALKING.
ABE VIGODA.
MIDGET TOSSING.
EBONICS.
THE SMELL OF MODEL GLUE.
BREAK DANCING / POPPING.
TOTEM POLES.
ORAGAMI.
HELIUM INHALATION.
RATTLE SNAKE WORSHIPPING REDNECKS.
BARETTA'S BIRD.
MILK & CHEESE.
THE POPES HAT.
THE HUMPTY DANCE.
TINY BAMBOO UMBRELLAS.
STIGMATA.
GERMAN BEER STEINS.
TIKIS.
NATURAL DISASTERS.
SNIFFING USED PANTIES.
CATS.
PARTAKING IN IMPROMPTU MACARENAS.
BROTHELS.
THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING.
PLINKO.
THE SOUVLAKI GUY OVER ON 38TH AND BROADWAY.
PAINT CHIPS.
SQUEEGEE.
JIMI HENDRIX'S MESCALINE-SOAKED HEAD BAND.
MORNING DEW ON THE TOMBSTONES OF OUR ENEMIES.
JAYNE MANSFIELD'S SEVERED NOGGIN.
DUELING MIMES.
TODDLERS MISTAKENLY KIDNAPPED IN BOTCHED CARJACKINGS.
NORWEGIAN PANTY RAIDS.
THE NUN BUN.
TEEN SUICIDE.
UNLICENSED GYNECOLOGY.
CHANEL NO.5.
"WOMEN IN PRISON" FILMS.
BOTULISM.
FREUDIAN SLIPS.
JIMMY HOFFA.
PIT BULLS IN A FIT OF RAGE.
EDIBLE UNDERWEAR.
THE GOLDEN GIRLS.
BANGING ON THE DRUM ALL DAY.
BLAMING SOCIETY.
MILITIAS.
SMUT IN ANY FORM.
RONDO HATTON.
AGING GRAPPLERS AND THEIR WEIGHTY MAN BREASTS.
PISSING IN SINKS.
HOT JAVA.
OLD TIME GANGSTER TALK. "WHY I OUGHTA..."
FLOOFAH.
SELF MUTILATION.
VEHICULAR MANSLAUGHTER.
ERNEST BORGNINE.
ELDERLY ITALIAN WOMEN WITH FACIAL HAIR THAT CAN COOK UP A STORM.
VENETIAN BLINDS.
RAP STAR DRIVE BYS.
CALAMARI.
SEEDY TRUCK STOPS.
TIGER BALM.
FACCE.
MUFF.
AQUA-VELVA.
RACIAL TENSION.
MAKING CHILDREN CRY.
GODZILLA.
LOUNGE ACTS.
JIFFY POP.
WHAM-O FRISBEES.
SQUINKYA.
LARD BREAD.
VELCRO.
LAUGHING AT YOUR MISFORTUNE.
SOCK PUPPETS.
TOM JONES' PANTY FETISH.
ACKNOWLEDGING EACH OTHER USING SUPER SECRET P.I. HANDSHAKE.
BEER FIGHT!
THE FUNKY CHICKEN.
BASEBALL MASCOTS SET ABLAZE BY ROWDY FANS.
INCREDIBLE FEATS OF STRENGTH.
OUR P.I. GROUPIES.
PAGO-PAGO.
RECIEVING PENILE INDIAN BURNS.
THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM & THE FEELING OF SECURITY WE GET KNOWING IT'S THERE.
NEW YEAR'S EVE ( ONE YEAR CLOSER TO ARMAGEDDEON ).
PUBLIC HANGINGS.
BUTTOCKS MASSAGE FROM DOMINATRIX OLGA.
SKITCHIN'.
BUSSIN' DOPE RHYMES AT BLOCK PARTIES.
WEARING NOTHING BUT A BLACK BRA TO JURY DUTY.
FRANKENSTEIN'S SLOW-BUT-METHODICAL DEATH MARCH.
SLAP-BOXIN' WITH THE ELDERLY.
DOOMSDAY CULTS.
METERS WITH TIME LEFT ON 'EM.
THOSE WACKY BUGS ON "THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL" THAT LOOK LIKE STICKS & LEAVES.
NIPSEY RUSSELL'S PERPETUAL GRIN.
THE IRANIAN PANTS BOMBER & HIS UNDYING ATTEMPTS AT PEACE THROUGH SUPERIOR EXPLOSIVES.
SWEDISH SEX SHOPPES.
WHIPPITS.
RUBBER.
ALTER EGOS.
BEER CAN SCUPLTURES.
TINY WOODEN DUCKS.
SERIAL KILLERS & THE ZANY VOICES THAT COMMAND THEM.
PORT -O- POTTIES.
SILLY PUTTY.
FOREST FIRES.
POLITICAL SEX SCANDALS.
CELEBRITY PLANE CRASHES.
ACID RAIN.
INTERVIEWING HOLOCAUST SURVIVORS.
TALK SHOW MAKE-OVERS.
CYBER-SLUTS.
THE TERM- "BEARDED CLAM".
THE ENIGMA THAT IS MICHAEL JACKSON/DIANA ROSS OR WHOEVER HE/SHE IS.
THE SQUEEGEE GUY ON 34TH AND 10TH.
THE PUNGENT ODOR OF FORMALDEHIDE.
VANESSA DEL-RIO (So Good).
ADMINISTERING ANAL PROBES.
FIELD HOCKEY.
BEATING GIRLS NAMED "BUFFY", & GUYS NAMED "CHIP" WITHIN INCHES OF THEIR LIVES.
STONINGS.
1ST ROUND KNOCKOUTS.
PULSAR.
DRIVING BEHIND A FUNERAL PROCESSION & HONKING YOUR HORN.
BEARSKIN RUGS.
MUMMIFICATION.
CHUNKY MONKEY.
THE MEXICAN HAT DANCE.
CAUSING DISCOMFORT.
DRESSING UP AS THE GRIM REAPER AT SOCIAL FUNCTIONS.
TELLING KIDS- "THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS".
PLAYING TAPS ON A KAZOO AT A FUNERAL.
STEALIN' A BUCK FROM THE CHURCH COLLECTION PLATE.
FAT ELVIS.
SKINNY ELVIS.
DEAD ELVIS.
SCULPTING "THE PIETA" OUT OF MASHED POTATOES.
ADDING TO CONFUSION.
TAXIDERMY.
THOSE WACKY MINATURE CORNS THAT ARE PUT IN CHINESE FOOD.
SPITTING ON DOORKNOBS.
DUCK DUCK GOOSE.
THE "WONDER BRA"
SWITCHING BABIES AROUND AT CONEY ISLAND HOSPITAL'S MATERNITY WARD.
PLAYING "HIT THE YUPPIE JOGGER" IN OUR VINTAGE '79 LINCOLN.
PLASMA.
THE "80 MM CANNON" WE JUST INSTALLED ON THE HOOD OF OUR VINTAGE '79 LINCOLN.
CONSUMING MASS AMOUNTS OF ALCOHOL & WAKING UP IN FOREIGN COUNTRIES.
JUAN VALDEZ AND HIS ZANY MULE.
THE AMMOUNT OF TIME IT TAKES TO READ THIS LIST.
70TH PRECINCT'S "PLUNGER SQUAD".
THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND- FATHEAD SUBURBIA.
NUTS WHO OCCASIONALY APPROACH THE WHITE HOUSE BRANDISHING FAUX FIREARMS.
THE SWEET RELIEF ASSOCIATED WITH CLINICAL DEATH.
THE 1 HOUR A WEEK WE'RE NOT WORKIN' ON THIS PAGE.
PRACTICING TOPIARY ON OUR PUBIC HAIR.
USING GRANPA'S CHIN AS A STRESS-RELIEVING "PUTTY BALL".
THE DREADED MEXICAN NUT CLAMP OF INFINITE CHICANO ANGST.
THE EASY STRIPPER. (IT EVEN SCREWS ABOVE YOUR HEAD!)
SALES AT FAST FOOD JOINTS.
WHEEZING & MUMBLING RUBBERY-SKINNED, GRAY-HAIRED CRACK HEADS THAT RESEMBLE CLAWLESS CRABS.
SCREAMING AT TELEPHONE SOLICITORS.
THROWING THE NEWSPAPER BACK AT THE PAPER BOY.
METALLIC COLORED CRAYONS.
APPLYING WEDGIES.
CURSING IN FORIEGN LANGUAGES.
TAUNTING THE OUIJA BOARD TO THE DISMAY OF THOSE IN THE ROOM WHO ARE DUMB ENOUGH TO THINK THERES A REAL DEMON INSIDE THE POINTER.
FINDING A DEAD BODY IN THE ALLEYWAY.
LAUGHING AT YOUR IDIOTIC THREATS TO HACK INTO OUR PAGE.
WAKIN' UP THE NEIGHBORHOOD WITH GUNFIRE.
THROWING HEXES.
GOIN' UP THE DOWN ESCALATOR.
PLAYING "MONKEY IN THE MIDDLE" WITH OUR FRIEND JOHNS WOODEN LEG.
MICKEY & MALLORY.
JIMMYS HERO SHOPPE.
ROADKILL.
FREAK ACCIDENTS INVOLVING GERBILS.
GRANDPA FINSTERS GREEK CUISINE. (SO GOOD)
THE DEMISE OF VANILLA ICE'S PATHETIC CAREER.
TORTURING YUPPIES BY MOCKING THEIR NETIQUETTE.
COTTON SOFT DOUBLE PLY TOILET PAPER.
THROWING THE BLIND ON THE TRACKS.
PUTTING RAZOR BLADES IN HALLOWEEN CANDY.
VIOLATING ANYONES RIGHT TO ANYTHING.
MASS SUICIDE.
SMITH & WESSON.
RUNAWAY TRAINS.
FLASH FLOODS.
JOJO THE WHALE.
THE "PAPARAZZI".
FLAGRANT FOULS.
DANNY BONADUCCI'S FREQUENT BRUSHES WITH THE LAW.
FORCE FEEDING ANNOREXIC CHICKS.
SHOOTING "SPITBALLS" AT AL SHARPTON DURING THE DEMOCRATIC DEBATE.
INTERVIEWING FAMOUS ROCKERS FROM THE WINDY CITY.
"TAKING THE LEAD" IN A FUNERAL PROCESSION.
SNEAKING BOOZE INTO OUR "AA MEETINGS".
CURSING OUR ENEMIES IN A FOREIGN TONGUE.
TYING THE "PALLBEARERS" SHOELACES TOGETHER.
DISPOSABLE DOUCHE. (WE THANK SWEET BABY JESUS FOR THAT ONE)
BROKEN CHASTITY BELTS.
GRANNY TERRORS SWEDISH MEATBALLS.
NUCLEAR SILOS.
SKULLS.
MK4 (AHHHH YEEAAH!!)
TUNISIAN DUST MITES.
CHEMICAL WARFARE.
MEL TORME.
WATCHING A HOSPITAL BURN DOWN WHILE PEOPLE ON CRUTCHES ARE JUMPING OUT WINDOWS.
GIVING THE WRONG DIRECTIONS TO FOREIGN TOURISTS.
THAT WARM, BUBBLY FEELING WE GET AFTER WATCHING "AMERICA'S MOST WANTED" & WE'RE NOT THE "SPECIAL GUESTS".
CHASING TORNADOES.
YODELING IN THE GULLY.
NIPPLE TORTURE. (APPLYING, NOT RECIEVING)
WAYNE NEWTON'S CREEPY SPEAKING VOICE.
ALL-YOU-CAN EAT ANYTHING.
USING TINY CHILDREN AS SPEED BAGS.
MEDICAL WASTE THAT WASHES UP ONTO BRIGHTON BEACH.
BEING "UP SHITS CREEK" WITH A PADDLE.
WATCHING A CLOWN PUKE ALL OVER HIS "BIG RED SHOES".
SIAMESE NYMPHOMANIACS.
"DAS BOOT".
CATCHING LIL PUNKS TRYIN TO STEEL OUR CHROME HUB CAPS AND BEATING THEM WITHIN AN INCH OF THEIR LIVES.
THROWIN KEG PARTIES ON "THE GRASSY KNOLL".
JOEYS AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAM COAT.
JIMMY "THE GREEK".
SWEDISH SKI BUNNIES NAMED INGA.
SCREAMING OUT "DOPE HAT, NIGGA!" DURING MIDNIGHT MASS AT THE VATICAN.
CLIMBING TO THE TOP OF THE NEAREST BUILDING, THREATENING TO JUMP, CAUSING A COMMOTION THAT STOPS TRAFFIC & DRAWS ONLOOKERS, THEN AFTER 5 HOURS OF NEGOTIATIONS, SAYING "JUS' FOOLIN!" & SURRENDERING PEACEFULLY.
KILLIN' "CHEESEHEADS".
FREE SAMPLES NIGHT AT THE BROTHELS.
IRAQ MAKIN TROUBLE FROM TIME TO TIME.
TELLIN' NAZIS THAT HITLER WAS REALLY BLACK.
SHOWING OUR PEENIES TO MOTORISTS ASKING DIRECTIONS.
ANYTHING "O-RAMA".
SHOWING UP IN TIMES SQUARE AT MIDNIGHT, ASKING EVERYONE TO "PLEASE HOLD IT DOWN, I HAVE A HEADACHE".
THE HOMICIDAL 'TARD IN "SLING BLADE".
LOSING OUR SHIRTS AT "PO-KENO".
FEIGNING DEATH IN ORDER TO FURTHER OUR CULT STATUS.
IMPREGNATING RADICAL FEMINISTS.
PLANTING TREES IN THE PATHS OF YUPPIE SKIERS.
PRACTICING BODY PIERCING ON PINTO.
JAY & SILENT BOB.
PLAYING FRISBEE WITH OUR JEWISH NEIGHBORS YARMULKE.
STAGING PHONY RAFFLES FOR SOME QUICK BEER MONEY.
OUR BLATANT DISREGARD FOR ANYTHING YOU HOLD SACRED.
and our favorite....