Ehhh Hello! My name is Pepe. But my amigos call me "Pinto". Forgive me if i mispell some word, but I am new to english. Negative creep says I can make this page about me, so i give you my story & maybe we can be friend. Let see... where should I start? I was borned in mexico in 1975. Mi padre was a burro salesman & my madre was a pinata stuffer. We grew up in moderate surrounding, & we shared living quarters with my 12 oter brothers & sisters. Despite the crowding situation, we got along fine. We all shared chores- my jobs included feeding the roosters in the front yard & washing the familias' sombreros. In the years to come, we faced many hardship. Mi Padre was killed in a freak circus accident (knives were involved), & we lost our home to a tropical hurricane. Madre gathered us up & snuck across border to the states united! Land of the free! We lived in an abandoned beet canning factory, for many years. We supported ourselves by selling the candy mama had stolen from the pinata plant. I was 20 when I decided to make the move from East L.A. & come to New York, to hone my long-time passion of the theater. I wanted to make papa & mama proud, & I knew someday I would be on the silver screen! Then I could move all the familia from that cold, dingy warehouse to a 1-bedroom apartment! This, I decided, was my goal! So I made it to NY by hitchhike. Wow! What a big city! Scrapers of the sky! Liberty bell statue! A bodega on every street corner! Taco Bell soon became my 2nd home.
The road to stardom was not going to be as smooth as i had anticipated! The streets were not liked with pesos as the villagers envisioned. I couldnt get a job as an actor, because I didn't have the "green card". I grew fat from too many visits to taco bell. I started drinking..what you americans call "40's". I was starting to run out of pesos, but I knew I could not return home a failure. I got a job at "Al's Lumber & Twine" on the Lower East Side. I slept in Tompkins Square Park, as the rent in new your was too grande. I sent whatever money I could back home to mi familia. Then, much sadness befallen me. I got a call at my job from my cousin in Tiajuana. My family was slain by a wandering band of Tunisian fly fisherman. I was devastate. To top it off, Al fired me for talking on the phone during work hours. Life was now futile. With no family left, and my dreams of becoming a big star crushed, I decided to end it all. I was sitting on a bench in the park in the dead of a cold winter's night. I had my sombrero on, and i had just drank two "40's", as you call them. I had no knife with which to slit my wrists, so I decide to walk into traffic on Avenue A. I stagger to crosswalk & with my eyes closed, threw myself into the path of the oncoming cars. Unforunately, it was 5 A.m. & there were no cars going down the avenue. As I lay face-down on the pavement, I did not know my life was about to change."GET UP! GET THE HELL OUTTA MY WAY, YOU SHMUCK! GET THE %$#! OFF THE FLOOR, YOU IDIOT!" The man yelled in my ear. He picked me up & threw me in the trunk of his car. Thats when i blackened out.
When i came to, I realized something was quite wrong. I was about to be the victim of a ritual sacrifice! Boy, was i scare. The 2 men before me dressed in ceremonial garb were none other than Sheer Terror & Negative Creep! I was bound and gagged & sitting in the middle of a pentagram drawn on the floor in blood! They were chanting "OhIHaTeYoU! OhIhAtEyOu!" & doing a very rapid polka. I now know what almost became of me. See, it was the annual P.I. Santeria ritual & I was to be their human sacrifice. They came after me with large knife. They removed my mouth gag & asked me if i had any last words befor they "used my intestines as lei's". I begged & pleaded for them to leave me go, but to no avail. Then I remembered something that my uncle paquito taught me in the hopes that it would someday save my life. I asked them for 1 chance. I begged them for a 3"x5" piece of colored paper. They were stunned at my request at first, but being the nice man they are, they gave me colorful square. I turned my back to them masterfully folded a beautyful origami ostrich. When I showed it to them, their eyes welled up with tears. They were stymied by my paper-folding skills & they often let me the hook! Boy, was I greatful! They gave me a job at the P.I. Headquarter, making 2X what I made at that bastard Al's! I now make $4.20 an hour & I drink fresh milk daily. They let me sleep on a cot in the warehouse & I have fun jumping through hoops & kicking a ball around for those P.I. Guys. So there you have my life story. Won't you please.... please wont you please... wont you be my amigo? Gracias! I now go to give pedicure to senor creep. Try to keep on touchng with me. I like mailings of E!
"May Your Pants Always Be In A Fit Of Rage"