T I R A D E ! !

I believe that friends, lovers, girlfriends, botfriends, family, fiancees, spouses, inlaws, co-workers, cyber chatters, enemies, teammates and everyone else should tell the truth. I believe it causes less pain in the long run, and very well may save some stupid fool some frickin' money.

I believe Father Time heals some wounds but not others. I believe Mother Nature is over rated. I believe in Uncle Sam. I believe I love my Aunt Mary. I believe Cousin Skippy is in a better place, partying with Grandpa Earl and Grandpa Art. I believe in God the Father Almighty. I believe in Jesus Christ, his only son , our lord. I believe in the power of the Holy Spirit. I believe in the healing powers of spirits, especially Jose Cuervo. I believe parents can screw you up easier than help you. I believe in the power of information. I believe Sister Liberty is under appreciated. I believe the grass is greener on the other side, but I am often wrong. I believe in the sanctity of masturbation. I believe that baseball is the closet thing to perfection.

I believe in the love of a child, for the child and by the child. I believe I hold the truths to be self evident. I believe in the passionate love of another human being, one that was put on earth just for you. I believe, however, that sex makes the world go round. It certainly turns my globe. I believe in wine, women and song. I believe Van Halen is shit without Dave.

I believe in a good work ethic and only using welfare in dire emergencies. I believe Medi-Care, Medi-Caid and Social Security Pensions should be withheld from people who can afford to live with out them.

I believe Round Table bakes the best Pizza, Guinness brews the best beer, Jose Cuervo distills the best Tequila, Johnny Walker distills the best scotch, Seagrams distills the best whiskey and Pepsi makes the best cola.

I believe revenge is a dish best flushed down the toilet. I believe I like Italian sports cars, Polish sausage, German beer, Mexican Food, Chinese Checkers, Japanese anime, Canadian whiskey, Greek salads, Swedish meatballs, Hawaiian vacations, Puerto Rican ballplayers and American football. I believe professional critics are too tough on movies and television.

I believe in laughter. I believe I had something wonderful going for me, but I fucked it all to hell. I believe I still have good things going for me, but I believe I shall always miss what I once had. I believe Halloween is the best holiday because it doesnít matter what denomination you are, you still get treats. I believe I can find beauty in any woman. I believe strippers are best appreciated on a stage rather than in my lap or in a Texas Couch Dance.

I believe Willie Mays, Marlon Brando, Michael Jordan, Jimi Hendrix, Wayne Gretsky, Neil Peart, Jim Brown, Bobby Jones, Jim Morrison, Dawn Drickman, Jane Jones, John McEnroe, Billy Shakespeare, John Entwhistle, Billie Jean King, John Irving, Nancy Lopez, Richard Pryor, Frank Sinatra, Dale Earnhardt, A.J. Foyt, Willie Mosconi, Bobby Fischer, Pele, Dr. John, J.R. Robertson, Marcus Callier and Earl Anthony have been the best so far at their respective callings. I believe the best is yet to come. I believe in the healing power of a power chord guitar riff.

I believe celibacy is unhealthy and loneliness is a ticket to an early grave.

I want to not be alone. I want to raise my kids to the best of my ability and not fuck them up too bad in the process. I want to spread love and good tidings to everyone I meet. I want to apologize to everyone I ever wronged, but especially my sister, whom I tortured unmercifully in our youth. I want all disease cured, but especially, my sisterís, Ivyanne's, Loriís, Chasityís, Billís, Hollyís, Davidís and Beckyís.

I want to learn to play the guitar well enough to be in a band. I want to learn to golf well enough not to embarrass myself. I want to do well at my job.

I want back the relationship I had with that certain someone and I want it RIGHT FUCKING NOW! I want to learn patience.

I want to visit my Grandma in Minnesota before she dies. I want a cool car before I die. I want the Mariners to win a World Series, the Seahawks to win a Super Bowl, the Sonics to win another NBA title and the U-Dub Huskies to win an undisputed National Championship before I die. Iíd like it to be at a time I can share the joy with my son and daughter.

I want my children to have enough self esteem to excel in life. I want my parents to quit using racial slurs. In fact, I want everyone to quit using racial slurs. I want violence and disrespect towards women to stop. I want all violence and disrespect towards everyone to stop.

I want to be happy with myself. Above all, I want to be happy with what I have and quit wanting.

I hate to hear my children cry. I hate to hear of people sick and dying. I hate to hear a report of drunken driving.

I hate American made cars. I hate squash, except for pumpkin pie. I hate when I run out of beer.

I hate when the Marinersí Bullpen blows another lead. I hate that Jim Morrison, Stevie Ray Vaughan, John Wayne, Martin Luther, Martin Luther King Jr., Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin, Scott Joplin, Gene Krupa, Charlie Parker, John Coltrane, Thurman Munson, Abe Lincoln, River Phoenix, Jesus Christ, Neil Corbin, James Dean, Papa Hemingway and Kurt Cobain all died before I had a chance to meet them, or at least see them live. I hate coffee that is too hot. I hate people that are too religious and judgmental. I hate using the word hate too lightly. I hate the music of Kenny G. I hate Sunday morning radio. I hate when the NBA finals gets pre-empted because some stupid fool is running from the gods, I DONíT CARE! I hate being depressed. I hate writerís block. I hate carpal tunnel syndrome.

I hate missing the person who knows me best in the whole world. I hate feeling paranoid. I hate random drug tests. Above all, I absolutely, positively, unequivocally, categorically hate intolerance.

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