(D'OH!)
Ahem... well met my friends. I'm... err... say Matou, what did I say my name was?... Oh, yes, thanx. I'm Mr Coarke, and i will be your host during your stay in this wonderful exotic corner of the Web.
Let me show you some of the marvelous and incredible things -real works of art i shall say- that i have collected during my sailings in the immense Sea of Net.
On this shelf here we've got a really old and precious tome of wisdom... whose name escapes me at the moment... What did you say Matou? Oh, i see... Yes it's right on the cover... "Advices for the Pefect Archvillain". And this other scroll here is the perfect compendium to it: "The Complete Cultist Handbook". A good thing they're here and not in... err... *scratch scratch*.. Oh, thanks Matou: not in Yule, eh eh... *cough cough*
Hey... what's this thing stuck under my foot? Oh... here it is: i've looked for it almost for a week now. The Onmi Ars Iocandis Enciclopaedia, the greatest book about the psychology of every living being of this Multiverse. You really should give it a look one of these days... that's to say when i am able to detach it from my boots sole...*§#&@!*
But let's go on with our tour... Behold here, this incredibly huge book is one of the oldest and most fascinating stories ever told in the backyard of my granddaughter's house... or was it my grandmother's? Anyway, it's the story of the fearless but a bit unlucky Ringman and of his friend, the cute and immensely powerful Sick Sword: "The Disgusting Company", a tale of vicious evil doers and unparalleled characters... What? Yes, sure: i can read you a bit if you want, just to give you the flavour... Ahem... let's see here:
"The advance copies of the new issue of Dragon and Dragrace Magazine were already bought up first by Clerasil and Wierd
Dough, as usual. There was an interesting feature on the anti-
paladin class and a side article on a new class called a "Weapons
Master", but no new errata restricting the power of any obscure
and exploited rules. None they would tell anyone about, anyway.
Peter Perfect rode down from over the hill range, his horse's hooves never quite touching the ground and his new sword
wavering proudly. He joined the cleric and the magic-user by the
lake.
"Wierd Dough, Clerasil," he presented the sword. "It looks like our skeptical rival has one less near-artifact on his side."
"You mean YOUR rival," the adamantite-armored cleric responded.
"Oh, come now, Clerasil, he would have turned against you eventually too. Balance of power and all that. I know he would have eventually come down on you, Wierd Dough." He pointed to
the guy in the white Robe of the Archmagi. "You're a chaotic
force in his eyes."
"Not as chaotic as some people I know," Wierd Dough
commented.
Peter chuckled. "I'm not chaotic, just competitive. Say, the tide looks a little high on the lake this afternoon. I'd better fix that."
Actually, the tide was just where it should have been, but Peter wanted to show off. He gestured, waved Prometheus a few
times, and threw a pinch of dust into the lake. A 200 foot by
200 foot section of the water sank out of sight.
Clerasil was astounded. "That's a fourth-level spell! I know magic swords can't have that spell, so you must have cast
it; but last I saw you you were only tenth level. You'd have to
be at least fifteenth level to cast that spell."
"I'm twentieth level, actually."
Wierd Dough's jaw dropped. "How did you get so many experience points so quickly?"
"Well, how'd you guys get your experience points?"
Clerasil cleared his throat. "I plane-travelled to the Abyss and cleaned out all the demon lords."
"Likewise," Wierd Dough said. "I went down through the nine circles of Hell and destroyed all the arch-devils. And a good
deal of greater devils to boot. Nothing like a pair of
petrification glasses with the lenses put in backwards."
Peter Perfect inhaled and exhaled contentedly. "I got my ten levels from one lowly centaur."
"WHAT?!" the other two said in unison.
"Half the centaurs carry gems, right? This one happened to be carrying a couple million gold pieces worth. I just cut him in half, stole his gems, and got one experience point for every
gold piece they were worth."
Clerasil quickly hauled out the Book of Infinite Wisdom.
"Hey, that's right! A single gem can be worth up to a million gold pieces, if you roll the dice right."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" asked Wierd Dough. "Let's go mug a centaur and take his four one-million-gold-piece gems!"
"Kill a centaur and take his four 1,000,000 g.p. gems," Peter Perfect corrected them."
Eh eh, a very interesting story, don't you think? But i know i must have something more stacked somewhere on the upper shelves... *pant, arggh* Drat! It's too high, i can't reach it... Say Matou, wouldn't you be so nice to climb over there and... Whoops, i see... eh eh, sorry i didn't mean to offend you... *cough cough*
Okay then, I'll use that old Levitate spell to get it.. Ah! Here it is: "Famous Last Words of Adventurers from Many Lands", or "Everything you all will say, sooner or later" as I call it.. And the perfect appendix for this tome is here: "How to recognize an Adventurer".
Well, i think i will show you the other volumes of mine next time. Now, let's see what Matou has prepared for lunch... *exit the room*
[To Be Continued]