Greetings. This is my second MiSTing; I hope you enjoy it. As a newbie, I'd vastly enjoy C&C on this; e-mail me at avanrhyn.lnk@ispi.net with this sort of thing. As for additional notes... this particular piece of 'bot fodder is based on the Creatures computer game. This is also being used *without permission* - I sent a copy of the finished MiSTing to Bean, the author, and I have yet to receive a response. Rest assured that if she flames me out, I'll remove this from the Archive. All further legal stuff and credits (both real and specifically for a cheap inside joke) are at the end of the MiSTing. And now, turn down your lights (where applicable)... Mystery Usenet Theater 3000 - "The Holodeck Series" (Opening MST3K Theme plays. Insert lyrics from Joel-era season of your choice.) (Scene: SoL. Crow and Tom are hunched over a gameboard, while Joel looks on.) JOEL: Oh, hello there, Cambot. As you can see, Tom and Crow are beta testing our invention for today's Exchange. TOM: Yep! We've invented an all-new, adults-only version of one of everyone's favorite childhood board game! CROW: Yes, you guessed it! We're playing... Strip Candyland!! Go ahead, Servo, it's your turn. (Tom takes a card from the pile and moves his little token thing forward.) TOM: Oh, no, Molasses Swamp! CROW: Oooh... let me see here... (he grabs a chart by the gameboard) Molasses Swamp? You have to take off your blouse. TOM: Um... Crow... hate to spoil the fun, good buddy, but I just realized something. CROW: What's that? TOM: We're robots. We're not wearing anything, so we can't strip. CROW: Awwwww... hmm, maybe if we raid Joel's closet we can try it then... (The Mads' light begins flashing.) JOEL: Never mind that, guys, Merry and Pippin are on the viewscreen. (Joel turns the viewscreen on. In Deep 13, Dr. Forrester is at the screen. We can see TV's Frank in profile, working at a computer. Unusual noises - squeaking, giggles, kissing, and yelping - can be heard from the computer. Dr. F looks back at it, looking peeved.) DR. F: Hideyho to you, Elrond, Elros, and Elrohir. As you can see, my faithless guinea-pig-boy has found himself a new computer passion. FRANK: (turns towards Dr. F for a second) Yup! See, I found this cool game called Creatures... DR. F: Sigh. Yes, Creatures, the new bane of my existence. You see, SuperFriends, this game creates tiny critters called Norns. Think Tamagotchi to a power of 10 - cute graphics, speech in ditsy sentence-fragment gibberish, unreal to care for. These things have no survival instincts at *all* - but Frank's become addicted to them! They take so much care that he can barely leave the computer for anything... FRANK: (attention back towards the computer screen) Alice, push food! PUSH FOOD, DAMN YOU!!! DR. F: Oh, what an evil genius has to take these days. Never mind, the show must go on. Frank, tear yourself away from Alice's heartrending battle with anorexia long enough to do the Invention Exchange, won't you? FRANK: Oh, all right, Steve, if you *insist*. (Frank gets up from his computer and walks towards Dr. F.) DR. F: All right, Cosmonauts O' Doom, why don't you go first? JOEL: (whispering to bots) Don't worry, we'll debug Strip Candyland more some other time. I have a backup invention. (To Mads) Our invention for this week... (He rummages around behind him and comes up with a tennis ball can) JellO Tennis Balls! (He pulls one out of the can; it appears, as the name suggests, to be a tennis ball made out of green JellO.) See? Now it's easy to combine sports and snacking in one easy pastime! (He bounces the tennis ball, catches it as it rebounds, and takes a large bite out of it.) Now in 5 Fruity Flavors! (Back at Deep 13, the Mads look singularly unimpressed.) DR. F: Not bad, my troubled little losers. But not as not-bad as our invention! Frank... FRANK: (obviously stalling) Um... er... well, I was trying to get Bob and Bethy to breed... DR. F: (confused) And what does this have to do with the fabulous invention you promised me, Frank? FRANK: Oh, nothing. Except that the invention doesn't exist. DR. F: Frank!!! You eediot!!! You're making us look like losers in front of the ... oh, wait... (he finds an umbrella) Yes, this will do, and they'll never know the difference. (To J&TB) Very well, today's invention is a... portable beating stick. (SoL. Everyone looks a wee bit confused.) JOEL: A beating stick? (Deep 13) DR. F: Yes, except that it's travel-sized. Watch. (Holds out folded umbrella) See? Packed for easy travel. (Pushes a button to elongate the shaft, although the umbrella doesn't open.) And now perfectly sized for beating!! (begins beating Frank over the head with the umbrella) Especially for beating idiot... assistants... addicted... to... the... computer!! (Dr. F is pretty mad now, and Frank is getting beaten down.) (SoL) JOEL: (to bots) Be very quiet, guys. If he beats Frank long enough, he'll forget about the experiment. (Deep 13) DR. F: (Suddenly back to bots, leaving Frank whimpering and beaten in the corner) Ah, yes, that's right, your experiment! (SoL. J&TB sigh deeply.) CROW: And we were *so* close! (Deep 13. Dr. F is apparently his genial, if psychotic, self again.) DR. F: Well, today's piece of slimy fungus masquerading as fiction was an inspired choice because of Frank's new little hobby. It's called the _HoloDeck Series_, and it's a serial fanfic inspired by that Norn game. Plenty of jargon, pseudoscience, and cutesiness! Enjoy, boys! (Dr. F cackles madly as the viewscreen blinks out.) JOEL: We've Got Fanfic Sign!!!! [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] (Scene: The Theater. J&TB get settled in their usual seats.) CROW: And now, let the wild rumpus start. > Katherine looked out her window, checking for any of her friends. CROW: (Katherine) Oh, wait, I don't *have* any friends. Silly me. > She looked left, right, and forward. JOEL: Tragic that she still got hit crossing the street. > "Great!" she thought. "No one in sight." > She then preceded to slink downstairs. Very carefully, she maneuvered > to her secret Lab, where she did all her experiments. ALL: DEEP 13!!!!! > "Good Afternoon, Katie." Called a robotic voice. CROW: (voice even more robotic than usual) How about a nice game of chess, Katie? > This was Katherine's Lab Assistant, a floating robot named Blip. TOM: Look, a robot! CROW: Yeah, we can have a role model now! JOEL: Guys, don't get too excited. Blip sounds like Beeper on Ritalin. > (Blip stands for: Binary Linear Intersystem Platform. Which means, roughly, > "can communicate with any 'platform', or operating system, > including the human one.". CROW: Say, Joel, what is the human OS? JOEL: Gee, I dunno... I think it's Win95. TOM: Wow, that explains a *lot*. > Or, at least it did to Katherine.) > "Blip, my name is Katherine." She corrected. "Anyway, care to help me?" > "That's what I was made for." replied Blip. > "You last left your invention connected to Hailey." > (Hailey is what Katherine & Blip call the computer down in the lab.) JOEL: So, Katherine, Blip, and Hailey? CROW: Sounds like a great love triangle. > "Excellent. I simply need to program a few more genes JOEL: (Blip) Well, the Levi's and Wranglers still need to be programmed. > into the main circuitry, and it will be complete! > We can beta test it today if all goes well. Blip: Load up the data > on the Digestive, toxin and appearance genes." Said Katherine, > sticking the Creatures CD into Blip's D:/ drive. CROW: Say, is that a CD-Rom in your D:/ drive, or are you - TOM: Crow, let's not go there. > Flashes of numbers lit up on Blip's screen. Within a few seconds, > Blip announced "Data Loaded! Ready for transfer." TOM: (Blip) Hey, baby, how'd you like to come up to my apartment and help me transfer some data? CROW: This after you stifle my D:/ drive joke? I'm disappointed, frankly. > "Ready for the converter cable?" asked Katherine, hooking a long > black wire into a port of Blip's In the middle of the Cable was a > converter box, at the end was a large, round, black platform > that resembled the teleporters in Creatures. > Katherine found a button on the box and pushed it. > "Data transfer in progress." She confirmed. Numbers began to flash on > Blip's Screen again. He was sending data to the black teleporter, > which was called the "HoloDeck". JOEL: Uh, guys, did she just say "HoloDeck"? TOM: Yeah. This can only mean one thing... ALL: Creatures - Star Trek crossover! AAAAAHHHHH! > This transfer took a few minutes. "Checking Data...." said Blip. > "Data transfer confirmed. Ready for test Beta!" CROW: Ah yes, and after the test beta-ing comes the bug de-ing. > "All right!" exclaimed Katherine in glee. "Let's hope the Creatures > end works." She got the Creatures CD out of Blip, & stuck it in Hailey. JOEL: All right, before we go on, I want to make it clear that there will be _no_ further riffs with computer double entendres. CROW: Aww, not even my SCSI port joke? JOEL: *Especially* not your SCSI port joke. All right, let's go on with the riffing. > Creatures was promptly started up, and the game opened to a scene > with a small, young banana Norn girl was playing in the garden. > "Push food" Said Jenna, the norn, and ate a carrot. TOM: All right, now the story's crossed the bounds of realism. The underground lab and weird robot I can believe, but *not* a norn eating on its own! > Jenna started to look around for another carrot when she noticed > something new in the garden- a black teleporter. > "Push mover" Katherine typed in. Jenna decided that this might be fun. > You never know where a mover takes you. JOEL: Man, this norn must be a genius. > Jenna climbed on to the teleporter and pushed the red button. > Back in Katherine's lab, a flash of light appeared over the HoloDeck. CROW: (Katherine) Oh no, it's that doctor dude from Voyager! > It was Jenna, being transferred from Albia to earth. Jenna looked around. > There was an unusual thing in front of her. It looked a little like her, > only it had brown hair & eyes. TOM: Ah, this explains the entire story! You see, Katherine's just a highly evolved Norn, and that's why she has no friends and she has to do her experiments in private and all her projects have irrelevant names... *TOM's head begins smoking* JOEL: Settle down, Tommy boy. It's just a fanfic, it doesn't have to be rationalized. > Beside the thing was a flying "computer"- but it didn't look like the > computer she was taught about. It was small & round. The odd, hairy thing > leaned down. "Yah, Bay Bee"! It said. JOEL: Katherine Powers, International Mad Scientist of Mystery! CROW: (Katherine) I bet that Norn shags like a minx! > Jenna was confused. Where was the speech bubble? Then it said some odd > words. > "Well, Blip, we can rule out that norns squeak when they talk on Earth." TOM: BUT THE NORN DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!! *head begins smoking again* JOEL: Down, boy. Here, have some Valium. (Joel hands Tom a pill. Tom takes it pretty readily.) > Said Katherine, the 'Hairy Thing'. CROW: Ooh, *bad* image there. > "Shall we try words?" > "Go for it." replied Blip, the 'computer.' > "Push" said Katherine, looking at Jenna. Finally, something Jenna > understood! To a norn, speaking is the same as reading it out of the bubble. JOEL: HoloDeck - now with 50% MORE non sequitur action! > So, Jenna looked around for something to push. There was Blip, and there > was the HoloDeck. But the Katherine looked more inviting. She took a few > steps toward it, and "pushed" it. TOM: And Katherine falls back, hitting something and starting a chain of events that destroys the entire lab and they all die and go to the bad place!!! JOEL: Do we need more Valium, Tom? TOM: Maybe. (Joel hands Tom more Valium. He wolfs it down.) > "Dat" Said Jenna. > "Hand" Said Katherine. > "Hold on here" thought Jenna. "Hand doesn't look anything like this." > Jenna thought maybe Katherine could help. "Think" said Jenna. > "Poor thing's confused." Remarked Katherine to Blip. "She's never seen > the rest of me." Katherine held out her hand. "Hand" repeated Katherine. > Something clicked in Jenna's mind. Here, in front of her, was the > hand she loved. But it was attached to a stick, a tube, and other stuff. > Was this the rest of hand? CROW: Yup, kid, that's all humans are. Just a bunch of connected sticks and tubes and stuff. > "Hand", Jenna said, understanding. > Katherine got up and hugged Blip. JOEL: (Blip) Ow, ma'am, you're crushing my CPU... oh, to hell with it. > "It works! It WORKS!" She shouted. Jenna saw this, & figured that > pushing Blip might be fun. She reached up. > "Jenna Yes" Said Katherine. Jenna giggled. This place really was fun! > "Jenna get Mover". Said Katherine. Jenna was going to help carry the > HoloDeck out of the lab. CROW: And why again are they trusting their most complex device to a creature with the IQ of bean curd? > She grabbed one end of the HoloDeck, and Katherine got the other. Blip, > having no arms, could only hover close & give Jenna directions. > Together, the trio maneuvered to Katherine's, even though it was tough > telling Jenna to go up stairs when she was used to lifts. Finally, after a > long series of "Jenna yes" and "Jenna no" (Every time they said no, Jenna > dropped the HoloDeck, so they needed to be very careful.) Finally they > got to their destination. Katherine put down her end. "Jenna drop Mover". > she commanded. Jenna led the HoloDeck drop with a thud. She was used to > dropping cheese & carrots, which weren't as delicate as a link to another > world. TOM: (sounding mellowed-out) Aww... the carrot isn't a link to an alternate universe after all. The faeries lied to me, man. > "Now," Katherine said to Blip, "Let's get Jenna back inside and call Susan. > She'll want to hear about this!" Katherine then turned to Jenna and told > her to "push mover". Jenna was tired,and wanted to go home. She > voluntarily pushed mover and was zapped back into Albia. Glad to be in the > garden, she pushed food, & then fell asleep. Katherine turned the HoloDeck > off to prevent any other norn in the world, or worse yet the Grendel > coming into her room uninvited. She then trotted in the Kitchen, Blip by > her side, and dialed up Susan. The conversation went like this: > "Hello, Susan?" JOEL: (Susan) Katherine! I thought phone calls were covered by the restraining order?!? > "Hi Katherine!" > "Can you come over real quick! I want you to see my latest experiment!" > "Is this one like the norn that was suppose to be immune to Death Cap > Mushrooms, but died from the fever toxin in the thing?" CROW: (Susan) You know, in that one thing that one time. > "Well..." > "OR like the norn who was suppose to be fearless, and you were going > to use him as a Grendel Basher, but he developed a fear of Cheese and > starved?" TOM: (still audibly mellowed out) Hey, man, don't be bashing normal norns, man. > "WELL..." > "OR like the..." > "ALL RIGHT!" I get the point. But this is way better. You have to > see this. > "Fine, I'll come over & see this. But if I'm right..." > "You'll get bragging points." > "Sounds good. See you in a second. Bye!" > "Bye!" > And then they hung up. What seemed like 5 minutes later, CROW: ... and probably *was*, since stupid humans can't magically beam themselves everywhere... > Susan was standing in Katherine's room. JOEL: (Susan) You've done good things with this place. I like the theme of black latex and chains. > "So," said a skeptical Susan, "This thing is suppose to take norns > from inside the computer to our world." CROW: (Katherine) No, no, silly, *that*'s my Wesley Crusher love shrine. This over here is the magical transporter device. > "Yuhp. And it works, too!" Announced Katherine. She turned to Hailey > and asked Jenna (Who was still in the garden)to "Push mover". Jenna > looked at Albia's HoloDeck and thought about what happened last time. > She got to see new things, and it was fun! JOEL: (falsetto) It's fun to have fun! > She went over, and pushed mover. > There was a flash over the HoloDeck in Katherine's room. When the > light cleared, there stood Jenna. Susan looked at this... norn, that was > now a physical being. She could not believe that Katherine finally did > something right. There was only one word to describe this feeling, > which she said aloud. CROW: DeepHurting? JOEL: Pseudoscience? BOTH (Tom appears to be mellowing out while this all is happening): MEGAWEAPON! TOM: (mellowed) Megaweapon, man? JOEL: Well, it's a good all-purpose word. > "Wow". > Jenna looked at Susan. Something crossed her mind. Now there were two > hands. TOM: (mellow still) Whoa, man, Katherine managed to clone herself a new one after that gruesome accident with the carrot vendor, man? > This had been a _very _ confusing day. She sat down best a norn could. > "Think" she said, responding to all this. > "Susan, stick out your hand & say 'Hand'" said Katherine. Susan did so, > which made Jenna think even more. Two hands? JOEL: Yes, yes, yes, class, humans have two hands. Haven't we covered this before? > Oh well, at least they looked different. > "Think she's hungry?" Asked Susan. > "Let's get her a carrot." said Blip. He, Katherine & Susan went off toward the kitchen in search of norn food. CROW: Norn Chow - now 97% Ettin-byproduct-free! > "Jenna" said Katherine before she left the room, hoping to attract > Jenna. But Jenna didn't come. > Jenna took a closer look at the HoloDeck, trying to figure out how it > worked. She found a switch that she had pushed earlier. What if she didn't > stand on the HoloDeck while pushing? She reached for the button and was > about to push. > Back in Albia, a purple mountain norn named Jack was in the garden. > He saw a carrot lying on the HoloDeck. This looked good, so he stepped on > the HoloDeck to get the carrot. JOEL: Again, there's far too much food-pushing in this. Doesn't the author know that Norns have severe food phobias? > At about this instant, Jenna pushed the HoloDeck on Earth and transported > Jack from Albia to her new world. There was a flash of light, and then > there was Jack. Jenna looked at Jack. "Push norn" she said, and gave him > a big tickle. CROW: Joel, before I respond to what must be a seriously stupid scene, I'd like to protest that Tom hasn't done *nearly* his fair share of the riffing. JOEL: Well, Crow, I had to give Tom some Valium for his continuity seizures... CROW: Um, Joel? JOEL: Yeah? CROW: We're *robots*, remember? Valium doesn't *do* anything to us. JOEL: Wait a sec... you're right... Tom!! TOM: (now back to normal) Uh, hehe... sorry, just a little joke... shall I riff now? CROW: Go right ahead, Valium-boy. > Jack liked this and decided to return the favor. "Norn" he announced > and tickled Jenna right back. Then he gave her a kiss. > Meanwhile, in the kitchen, Blip, Susan and Katherine were looking for > norn food. > "Hey, did you hear that?" Said Susan. > "What?" asked Blip. > "It sounded like... Norns Kissing?!" replied Susan. > "OH my GOSH!" Shouted Katherine in Horror. "I left the HoloDeck on!" TOM: Oh, why, why, couldn't it have been the toaster and been the cause of the house burning down? Why, Fanfic Gods, why?? > Everyone then realized that another norn was in there doing who knows what. > Immediately the trio dashed down the hall, and began to turn to get into > Katherine's room. Katherine, being a horrific klutz, fell over in her > excitement, landing at the feet of Jenna. CROW: I hear Katherine demanded a stuntperson for this scene in the fanfic. > She lay there for a second, because she landed funny and hurt a little. > As she lay, she heard the loudest Kisspop you ever heard. TOM: Guys, does this mean what I think it means? JOEL: I think so... ALL: Norn porn! Aiiie! > Opening her eyes, she saw exactly what she didn't want to see, Jack and > Jenna. > "Oh... My..." Katherine picked herself up. "Did they just..." She > looked at Blip and Susan, who apparently saw the whole thing as Katherine > had heard it. > "Yuhp." Said Susan. "Let's put her back into Albia so we can see if > she's pregnant." > Katherine & Blip looked at each other. Blip decided to explain. > "There's something you should know... Somehow the HoloDeck reacts with > the fetal fluids of Pregnant Norns.... Any pregnant norn that uses the > HoloDeck is killed instantly. Jenna will have to stay on Earth until > we determine if she is pregnant, and if she is, then she will have the > first norn ever born here on this planet." JOEL: And the Deus ex Machina thickens! TOM: And the plot ... remains as anemic as it was before! CROW: And Jenna accidentally pushes mover and dies! JOEL: We can only hope, little buddy. We can only hope. [Fresh goes better! Mentos freshness! Fresh goes better with Mentos freshen full of life!] [The Mentos commercials end. We're back to the SoL theatre.] > --------- TOM: This message brought to you by the Hyphen Corporation. Hyphens - the punctuation mark you've been missing! > "So, let me get this straight." said Susan, looking Katherine in the eye. > "Jenna, if she is pregnant, can not go back to Albia." > "Right." Said Katherine. > "Because if she does, the fetal fluids would kill her." Susan slowly > repeats. JOEL: (Susan) Well, what are we waiting for? I don't see a bad side to this. > "Right." said Katherine. > "SO, if she is pregnant, we have to keep her on earth for... How long?" > inquires Susan, realizing she has no idea how fast norns age on earth. > Katherine looked to Blip. CROW: Oh, it's *just* like humans to make the robot do everything... > "According to my calculations, around... 12 earth hours." Blip spat > out. > "Oh my gosh... It's one in the afternoon now!" JOEL: (Susan) Omigod, we may have to stay up five minutes late!! > said Susan, placing her head on the doorframe. TOM: For the love of God, someone slam the door! This is our chance! > Jenna, having no idea what was going on just yet, went up to Susan. > "Bibble" she said. She could tell Susan wasn't happy, and wanted her to > feel better. She gave Susan a big tickle. > "Jenna yes" sighed Blip. Jenna giggled. CROW: OK, when do these things link hands and shoot the Love Beams from their stomachs? TOM: Oh, you missed that part. > Katherine thought a minute. "We really don't know if she's pregnant > or not." she said. "SO, if she's not, we're home free. We just need to > employ a simple 'lab test' on Jenna. You stay up here, get Jack back to > Albia, and take some notes on the grendel or something. Blip and I will go > back to the lab and employ some... tests." Susan knew not to ask to follow, > because the lab was a "secret", and no one becides Katherine, Blip, & Jenna > had seen or been alowed in. JOEL: Well, aside from those wild parties with Dr. Forrester and TV's Frank after the annual Mad Science Con. > Katherine and Blip and managed to get Jenna downstairs, and in the > lab. Katherine, once in her lab, dug in a medicine cabnet and found a > special pill. She handed it to Jenna and told her to "push plant". Jenna > looked at the pill. It wasn't like any other plant SHE ever saw, but she > knew if she diddn't follow Hand's directions, she would get a good smack. > She downed it, and instantly fell asleep. TOM: (Katherine) I smell experiment idea... let's force-feed her these until she ODs! > The partners imediatly started into using their lab talk. "Patient > under. Prepare for exploritory procedures." Said Katherine, picking up > Jenna and laying her (Joel and Tom both face Crow expectantly.) CROW: Geez, guys, have some faith. That riff's too easy even for *me*. > on a nearby table. On the table were some cables. "Blip, you ready?" > Asked Katherine. > "I don't think I'll ever be..." replied Blip. But it was too late. JOEL: SqueamBot 5000! With real squirming action! > Katherine was hooking the cables into Blip. Then, she connected the end of > the cables, which had special electrodes, to Jenna. > "Katherine," Blip interrupted, "Why do we do it this way?" > "Think of it this way: Jenna was once computer code, just a bunch of > 0's & 1's." Explained Katherine. "Now, MOST of her is flesh, but still, > some parts remain 0's & 1's, like a good part of the reproductive system. > You, my dear friend, can decode those 0's & 1's, and tell us what we want > to know. There's reasons your initials stand for Binary Linear Intersystem > Platform. Now, Data communtications link established?" > "I don't think I can handle this..." stammered Blip. CROW: Brother 'bot, you think *you're* the one not handling this? We're the ones who have to sit here and watch this entire bloody scene! > "Are you hooked up or not?" Katherine demanted, slipping out of her > lab talk. > "Yeah... I guess..." Blip answered. > "Then, read me the Female Hormone Levels." Katherine asked. > "Estrogen, 0, Sex drive, 10, Gonatrophin, 255, Progesterone 20, Fetus > present." Blip said, trying very hard to sound professional. > "Excellant, we get a positive readout." Katherine sarcasticly said. > "Now, I'll take these cables out, and hook you to her during the entire > pregnancy." > "No, NO, PLEASE..." pleaded Blip. TOM: Guys, I don't think I can take any more of this realistic portrayal of a 'bot's on the job anxiety... JOEL: What, you mean this scene impresses you? TOM: Noo!!! I just can't take it!! I really want that Valium... please, mommy, no more fanfic... (Tom begins sobbing) JOEL: (comforting Tom) There, there, little buddy. I know this piece of fanfic has been hard on you, but we're an episode away from a host segment. It's gonna be juuuuust fiiiiiine. > "I'll hook you to her Ear, don't worry." Sighed Katherine, fixing an > Electrode to the inner part of Jenna's Ear. CROW: (reciting as a mantra) I am going to say *nothing*... this scene will be over soon... please dear God. > Jenna began to stirr. Katherine, > looking at the situation carefuly said, "Let's carry her upstairs before > she wakes up." And with that, she did. > Susan met them at the stairs. "What are the results?" She asked. > "Care to ask your mom if you can spend the night? It'l be a long one." > Katherine said, with a limp Jenna over her sholder. "Gosh, these things > are as bad as sleeping cats..." JOEL: (with Tom quietly sobbing, and Crow repeating his mantra, he's basically the only one still with it in the theater) Soo... is Katherine a professional cat-hauler or what? (Laughes fakely at his own riff) Sigh, we're just not keeping it together. Dr. Forrester may have finally found a fanfic that can conquer us... > "Positive? Are you sure?" Said an awestruck Susan. > "I'm NOT double checking." Snarled Blip. (Tom begins sobbing louder, Crow repeats mantra even more firmly, Joel sighs and puts his head in his hands) > "I'll go call my mom." sighed Susan. > * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * > * * * * * * * * JOEL: (deciding to riff through it all) And now, some refreshing asterisks! (Looks at the bots, each one still off chanting or sobbing) Hey, guys, that was a good one! Guys... (notices noone is paying attention.) Sigh. I'll have to try harder. > It was 1:03 am. Blip was plugged into the wall. Katherine and Susan > were watching Jenna. Jenna was looking at her tummy. It had grown very big > within the last few hours, and she wasn't quite sure why. > "Why does her tummy grow here, but not in Albia?" Asked Susan. > "Didn't have the sprites, I guess." replied a groggy Katherine. JOEL: The sprites? What, they lost the Norn Pregnancy Faeries? (Joel stares even more doggedly at the screen, determined to riff to his last breath. The bots are still befuddled.) > "This makes me glad I don't need sleep, just recharging." sniedly > commented Blip. > "Shut up, Robot Boy." snarled Susan. She was in no mood for this. TOM: (sniffling) Hey, no need for personal remarks, lady! (Starts sobbing even more) > "I don't understand! It should have been born by now! Hey, Blip... > think we could just take her down to the lab and have you check for..." > Asked Katherine. > "NO. I've had enough sex education for one day, thank you very much." > replied Blip. (Chaos in the Theater. Tom goes from sobbing to a full-force bawl, and Crow is practically screaming his mantra at the screen. We can barely here Joel talking over it.) JOEL: Guys, this fanfic has almost reached its lowest possible point... just bear with me a few more lines... > All of a sudden, Jenna bent down. A funny feeling was comming over her. It > diddn't hurt, but it sure felt bad. What was going on? > Lucky for Jenna, Katherine knew exactly what was going on. "Oh my > GOSH..." shouted Katherine, who was now wide awake. > "It's comming! Jenna's finaly gonna have the egg!" (The bots are silent, looking up at the screen.) CROW: Um... am I wrong, or are we about to see a Norn give birth? TOM: (snuffles a little, then speaks clearly) You're right! The stupidity has gotten so ridiculous that it snapped me out of my self-pity! For the sake of myself, for the sake of humanity, I have to go on riffing! JOEL: Right on, homemade buddies! We'll make it yet! Let's take this commercial break to prepare... [Several ads for psychic hotlines and Toaster Strudel later...] [Back in the Theater.] TOM: Well, that commercial break was welcome. CROW: We're sorry about that embarrassing incident, folks. Please continue enjoying the MiSTing. JOEL: Please tip your servers. > ------- CROW: Boy, it sure is nice of this fanfic to give us these convenient little punctuation breaks. > "It's WHAT?!" said Susan, perking up. > "It's comming!" shouted Katherine. TOM: It's communicating? JOEL: It's Communist? > Jenna was now aware of what was happening because instints were kicking > in. She squatted down, closed her eyes and squeezed her gut. Out came the > egg. It was that red kind with the yellow slashes. CROW: (Katherine) Yes, but is it incredible and edible? > Katherine got closse to the egg. She touched it's hard, smooth shell. > "Bet I can pick it up?" She asked. > "If you manage, I'll reactivate the egg so it'l hatch naturaly." > replied Blip. Katherine grabbed the egg and lifted. > (With her legs and not with her back!) JOEL: Why, thank you, fanfic, for that important safety information. > & lifted. & lifted. She couldn't get the egg up, no matter what she did. > "No wonder you can't pick them up in the game." commented Katherine. > "That's because the mass in the egg is in a very condensed state." > Blip praddled. "The fetus is all squished, CROW: Ah, nice to see authentic and precise scientific terminology like 'squished.' > and the mass is just so great..." > "OK, OK." sighed Susan. "We get the point. Can we leave it alone and > sleep?" TOM: (Blip) Yes. SLEEEEEEEEPPPPP! > "We should." Blip answered. "The egg should hatch around 8 in the > morning. We have different forces and pressures on Earth than in Albia, > therefore..." > "Whatever." said Susan, who was too tired to be polite. She flopped > on her back and shut her eyes. Katherine looked at Jenna. She, like other > females, had a gene in her body that made them very tired after > giving birth, so she was asleep in the corner. CROW: So... all norns have flagrantly useless genes causing them to do stuff like leaving them and their eggs hopelessly unprotected after laying. JOEL: Yup! You got it! > Rolling over on her side, Katherine fell asleep. > /Crack, Crackle, Crik, Crik.../ Katherine woke up to the noises of a > cracking egg. Susan heard it too, and sat up. They both watched as a thin > crackline formed around the egg. Then the top half of the shell came off, > and sitting inside was a baby boy. He had Purple mountain arms, a purple > mountian body, CROW: Purple Mounty-an? So he's a member of the RCMP? > and a purple mountian head. TOM: Everyone, meet Nornly Do-Right. > He also inherited banana legs from his mother. > "bub foo dat" said the newly hatched norn, tumbling out of his shell > and crawing tword Susan. Then he saw Katherine. "bub flib dis" he > announced. Then his eyes wandered to Blip. He wanted to foo dat, too. > He sat down & said "bibble", out of utter confusion. JOEL: Aww, put the thing out of its misery. One good stomp should do it. > "He needs a name." Said Blip, who had been behind them during the > hatching prossess. > "Hey!" Katherine quietly shouted. "Remember the GreNorn series?" CROW: Uh, no. That's another fanfic series about these disgustingly cute things, right? TOM: Yeah, we were spared from that one. > "Yeah." said Susan. "My favorite is where Karr fights Rrak an is > reborn." > "Really?" Blip replied. "I always liked the one where Phoenix is born." JOEL: Thrill as they discuss their favorite fanfic in the middle of another fanfic! CROW: Tremble as they try to be overly hip with pop-Creatures-culture references! TOM: Quake as whatever small amount of action there was grinds to a bloody standstill! > "My favorite has always been where Karr's wife is reincarnated. But > anyway, why not name the baby Karr, in honor of the series? Jenna was a > 10th generation norn, this baby is 11th, and I like to name them in > Alphabetical order... so he needs a K name anyway." Katherine suggested. > "Good idea!" said Blip. ALL: (completely deadpan) Rah. > "OK, so Karr has a name. Now we need to teach him." Susan blankly > responded. > "You doubt me?" replieed Katherine, who pretended to look surprized. JOEL: (Katherine) But I'm God! I control who lives and who dies! CROW: Hey... I had dibs on that! > "To the living room!" Katherine picked up Karr & walked out of the room, > with Blip, Susan & Jenna behind her. > In the living room, Katherine sat Karr down & then dug a floppy disk > out from behind a throw pillow, along with a few wires. Blip flew infront > of Karr, & Katherine put the disk inside Blip's A:/ drive. Blip's screen, > usualy lit up with two green dots for eyes, was changed to the same > screen of the Learning computer. TOM: Blip - now in SqueamishBot and DitsyBot versions! > "Push" said Blip. > "Foo" replied Karr. > "Push" repeated Blip. > "Pupu" Karr said, trying to repeat the word. > "Push" said Blip, again. CROW: Hey, fanfic! We get the idea! Get on with it! > "Push" Karr responded, finaly getting it right. > "Push" Blip said one more time, just for good measure. > "Push" Karr replied with confedence. TOM: Years from now, fanfic students will still study the climactic "HoloDeck 'Push' Scene". > Blip and Karr kept at it, repeating and rerepeating, until Karr had > learned all verbs, all drive words, all nouns, and a new verb of > Katherine's invention, "don't", which means, 'don't do what you're about > to do'. JOEL: Did we *really* need to be told the definition of 'don't'? > Jenna had been in the room, and had heard all of these words. She got to > learn them too. > "Now, Blip," said Katherine, "I'm going to hook these wires into Karr, > and then to you. Tell me the mutations." Katherine stuck one end of the > wires into Karr's ear. Karr sat very still. Then Katherine stuck the other > end of the wires into Blip. "Read it off to me." She said. > "Checking Geonme." Blip started. "Mutations... Whoa! What's this? > There's some kind of new gene... what it basicly says is that Karr can > identify his mother, father, children and other siblings from other norns." > "Cool mutation! But why does that big of one show up now?" asked Susan. JOEL: Welcome to Deus ex Machina World, Susan! CROW: Have a lovely time, since everything will be perfect! ALL: Better Fanfic Living through Plot Holes!!! > "It diddn't just appear." replied Blip. "The file says that Karr got it > from his mother." All eyes turned to Katherine. She was notorious for > hacking norns and making odd mutations, most of which somehow turned out > for the worse. > "There's really two Jennas." Katherine started, knowing everyone > wanted an explanation. "The first one was naturaly bred, as usual. But I > found her moniker, and hacked into it with the Genetics Kit. I made the > genes Blip described and made a clone with those genes. But it didn't > look like it worked real well. So I didn't tell anyone. It was suppost to > keep norns from inbreeding... and so far it has..." (J&TB snicker.) JOEL: Gosh, that was immature, snickering just because someone used the word 'inbreeding'. TOM: Yeah, but wasn't it *fun*? JOEL: Yeah! (They snicker some more.) > "Gosh. And to think we would have had to wait for C2." Susan > sarcasticly remarked. > "I'll finish." Blip said, ending the issue. "Purple mountian genes > present... That's about it." CROW: Yay... he has the instinct for saving women tied to railroad tracks! > "Great! I'll just unhook you two..." Katherine said, while detaching > the wires in Karr's ear. Katherine then turned to Blip. She began > unconnecting those wires, too. Jenna came tword them both. > "Push Computer." Jenna announced. > "Hey!" shouted Blip. TOM: (Blip) No... don't push computer *there*... > He flew up above Katherine's head, causing Katherine to loose her grip. > She toppled over. > Susan had to pick Jenna up and hold her still while everyone got > restuated. JOEL: Hey, new word! > But, after that, she noticed something rather important. "Where's Karr?" > Susan asked. A quick look around told everyone that Karr had excaped in > the confusion. > Karr had exaped to Katherine's room, unbenonst to everyone else. > There, he saw an unusual black platform. "Mover" he said. Then he crawled > tword it. On his way, he tripped over a switch marked "On/Off". An unusual > humming filled the room. Karr decided to push the mover. CROW: Notice how they *never* use the controls to pause Creatures when they're not there? JOEL: Yeah, and the On/Off switches are just lying on the floor? TOM: Once again, Better Living Through Plot Holes. > Meanwhile, in Albia, a grendel was in the garden. > There were no norns to beat, so he decided he would just munch some > carrots and enjoy the sunshine. He found a nice looking mover, and > decided it would make a confortable seat. He sat down, at the exact moment > Karr pushed the mover on earth. > Back in Katherine's living room, the trio (Forsome?) JOEL: Ooh, kinky. > were deciding where Karr had gotten to, when they heard some unusual > noises. > "What's that?" asked Susan. > Jenna figured it out. "Run Grendel!" she shouted, with a horrified > look on her face. She started running. Katherine caught her and picked her > up. > "No, Karr couldn't of... no..." Katherine stuttered. She didn't > believe it. > "You didn't believe it when Jenna brought Jack to our world, either." > Blip commented. TOM: (Blip) In fact, you still seem to be having trouble with the concept of the Earth moving around the sun. > They all three realized they'd better check, knowing norns are capable of > more than you can give them credit for, so they ran down the hall to > Katherine's room. > Blip got there first. "Uh oh..." he choked. Susan, and Katherine, > who was carrying Jenna, got there next. They all three looked at Karr's > experement. He had brought the Grendel to earth. JOEL: (Count Floyd from _SCTV_) Ooooh, Scaaaaaaary, boys and girls. CROW: Yeah, yeah, real scary. This is our break, right? JOEL: Yupyup, mechanical boychik. Let's go. [J&TB exit the Theater...] [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] (Scene: SoL. Tom is standing in front of a rather large, UNIVAC-looking, beeping-things-and-blinkenlights computer. In the center of it, a sheet is draped over something. Joel and Crow enter... and just stare at it for a second.) JOEL: Uh, Tom, what's that? TOM: Oh, it's my Utterly Freaky Fanfic Destructionness Analyzer! UFFDA for short. I willed it into being with my all-powerful robot mind (We can see Joel rolling his eyes at this) for use with today's fanfic! Ta-da! (Tom takes off the sheet. A complicated-looking display, with a pie chart and brightly colored lights, is revealed. Needless to say, it's done in classic Best Brains cheesy special effect style. Would you expect anything less?) CROW: This is nice. What does UFFDA do again? TOM: Oh, glad you asked. Basically, if fed a copy of a fanfic Dr. F sends us, it will give a reading on its potential damage to our psyches by analyzing several crucial standbys of bad fanfiction! Which are: (Tom points out a specific colored light to go with each of these) - Incorrigible pseudoscience and tech-talk! - Logically implausible self-insertion, featuring godlike self-insertion characters! - Complete and utter overworship of the topic! - Pointless and illogical crossovers, possibly into several worlds at once! - Sequelization or sequelization potential! - Rapid-fire fourth wall breakage! - And finally, the Ratliff Factor: Ludicrous spelling and grammar errors, with no explanation or one such as 'This is a good story, all spelling errors are to be ingored!' (We cut back to Joel and Crow. They look suitably impressed.) JOEL: Wow, that's really something, Tom. I'm impressed. Why don't you ever come up with anything like that for the Exchanges? TOM: Let's not get into that. For now, let's use UFFDA to analyze the HoloDeck Series! Joel, the paper feed? (Joel, as the only one who can reach it, throws a hard copy of today's fanfic inside the machine. We can hear several things: whirring, grinding, something going 'sproing', and ants scuttling about. Within 30 seconds, the machine spits out a small printed card onto a tray. Crow picks it up.) CROW: Mind if I read? Ahem... "Run. Away. Now. Save. Yourselves?" Um... Servo... *please* tell me the machine screwed up... TOM: Uh oh. UFFDA is never wrong. I got a *baaaaaaad* feeling about this... JOEL: Aiee! No time to think, we've got fanfic sign!! [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] (Scene: SoL theater. Our heroes get settled.) > ---------- CROW: So, the tepid plot finally flatlined. > "Katherine! I thought you left the 'Deck off this time!" Blip fussed. > "I did... I really did! Karr must've tripped over the switch or > something..." Katherine argued. > The Grendel was totaly confued. He had never seen this part of the > world before! And lo, a baby norn, fresh for the beating! JOEL: (Church Lady) Isn't that *conveeeeeeenient*. > Confusion turned to joy as he edged closer to Karr. > Jenna saw what was happening and jumped infront of Karr. "No!" she > shouted, and gave the Grendel a big smack. The Grendel shouted in pain. > "Katherine," whispered Susan, "are you positive those genes didn't > work?" Katherine stood by awestruck. Her experement wasn't a total waste > afterall! Jenna was showing signs of real maternal instints. CROW: No, more like absolutely no sense of self-preservation. > "grah oooogh" said the Grendel. Was he going to let a wussy little > norn beat the tar out of him? He was made to be strong, while the norns had > simply been bred to be cute! He punched Jenna. Jenna cried out in pain and > raised on her haunches. This made her really mad. There was no way she was > going to let him hurt her son. JOEL: Jenna: mad as hell and not going to take it anymore. > She smacked him so hard, she fell over. So did the Grendel. The Grendel > decided this was too much trouble just for an easy smack on a baby norn, > so he ran out of the room. TOM: Deep Grendel thought there. > Jenna gave a giggle. > "Push yes grendel" she shouted triumphantly. "Grendel run norn" > "Is it me," commented Blip, "or is this not a good sign of things to > come?" > "Who cares!" Katherine spasticly said. "That Grendel is loose in our > house and we have to find him." > "Oooh, that's right." Susan replied. JOEL: (Susan) Yeah, it's not just a part of my bad trip anymore. > Meanwhile, the Grendel had wandered into the kitchen. He took a quick > look around, and, seeing no norns, decided that he might as well explore. > He found a table, much like the one in the kitchen in the hatchery. > There, on the table, were a few small bottles. He picked one up, opened it, > and took a drink. It tasted a little like hootch, only different. CROW: Am I really the only one who's ever had a problem with the phrase 'similar, only different'? > He took several more drinks, and started to feel really good! JOEL: The Grendel as Captain Trips! > As he was (trying) to walk accross the floor, Someone else came in. It was > Katherine's mom, but the grendel didn't know that. He stood, looking at her. > Would she hurt him? No, she didn't hurt him. But she did make a very loud > noise. > "Is he in there?" Asked Blip. He and Karr were standing outside the >bathroom. > "Nope." answered Susan. "No sign of the grendel." > Then they heard Katherine's mom shout. "KATHERINE! I WANT YOU RIGHT > HERE, RIGHT NOW!" > Katherine poked her head out. "I think we found him" she said. > Everyone got out of the bathroom and filed into the kitchen. TOM: Wait... there was a scene with the foursome in the bathroom, and we didn't riff it. That was a great chance there, guys. > Katherine's mom pointed to the Grendel. "What is that thing, and why is he > drinking my bourbon? I was going to make bourbon balls with it!" > "Th-that's a Grendel, it's from Creatures." Katherine stuttered. > "HOW did it get in MY kitchen?" demanded Katherine's mom. > "M-My latest invention brought it here accidently. I-It's called the > HoloDeck, and it links Creatures to earth, so we can play with norns > here...." Katherine explained. But she knew this was not going to go well. CROW: (Katherine's mom) Yeah, right. You just had too much cough syrup again and painted the dog green, didn't you, Katherine? Honesty is the best policy. > Katherine's mom looked at Blip, then Susan, then Katherine. (Luckily, she > didn't catch Jenna or Karr, because they were hiding behind Katherine.) > Then she calmly stated. "Get that grondel, or whatever you called it, OUT > of my ktichen. Then come back here." > Katherine and Susan picked the Grendel up (It was so drunk, it didn't mind.) > and carried it to her room, silently. They then placed it on the HoloDeck, > and beamed it to Albia. JOEL: Tragically, two days later, the Glycotoxin and Antigen 6 they caught from the Grendel killed them. > Then, they locked the norns inside Katherine's room and marched into the > kitchen once more, awaiting their fate. > When they got there, they overheard Katherine's mom on the phone. > "Right, 111, Firebrook road. Patient's name, Katherine Riggs. Reason? > Creatures Addict. You handle those cases, right? You've done plenty of > them? Good. G'bye." Then Katherine's mom walked into the kitchen. > "Katherine," she said, "I hate to do this, but you leave me no choice. TOM: (sympathetic-sounding announcer) If you don't get help at Charter, please, get help somewhere. > You need to get over Creatures! I called the insane asylum. They're > comming over to pick you up." > Katherine didn't believe what she heard. "You-YOU'RE SENDING ME TO > THE FUNNY FARM?" She shouted. ALL: (spoken) Yeehaw! (Katherine, singing) They're going to take me away, ha ha! JOEL: And on that happy note, a word from our sponsor! [Today's Word from our Sponsor: Freshness!] [Back in the theater...] > ------ > As a stunned Katherine stood in the kitchen, a white truck pulled up to > the house. Men in white jackets came up to the door. And then they busted > in. JOEL: (man in white coat) Would you like some free information about the Jehovah's Witnesses? > "We're looking for Katherine Riggs." said one of the men. Katherine's > mother pointed to Katherine. They grabbed her. > "Let me GO!" she shouted, wiggling hard. The men tried to put Katherine > in a straight jacket. CROW: Does it really matter to the story that the jacket is heterosexual? > "HELP ME!" Katherine protested. "No! I'm NOT insane! > I'm NOT INSANE!" TOM: Oh, yeah, screaming that in a high hysterical voice is really going to convince them of your sanity. > Susan ran up to one of the men struggling with Katherine and grabbed > his arm. After a few tuggs, she bit the arm. She wasn't going to let > Katherine go without a fight. Blip started bumping into the other man, > because that's all he could do. (Hey, he HAS no arms or legs.) JOEL: Class? Class! Keep all hands, feet, and objects to yourselves! > "Get her off me! And get the robot, > too!" the asylum worker commanded. Someone pryed Susan off, and another > got Blip and held him down. > Susan got an idea. "push hand" she shouted to the general direction > of the norns. Jenna and Karr went up to Susan and gave her a big tickle. > 'THAT hopelessly backfired.' thought Susan, realizing it was to late to > save Katherine. They had got her out onto the lawn, in a straight jacket. > She was holering, amoung several very unkind words, "NO! Creatures is good! > Creatures is PEOPLE! Creatures is PEOPLE! CROW: Creatures is Soylent Green!! TOM: Soylent Green is made out of Norns!! JOEL: Creatures is made out of Charlton Heston!! > I'm NOT INSANE! I'm NORMAL! Ask the rest of a.g.c! LET ME GO!" They > threw Katherine in the truck, and drove off. ALL: (singing) Ella es un perdidora... She's a loser, baby, so why don't you commit her? > Susan simply looked at Katherine's mom. She wasn't going to say > anything but God knows she wanted too. She just walked out the door and > home, knowing almost all hope was gone of ever seeing Katherine again. CROW: So... our main character just disappeared for good. Only good can come of this. > * * * * * JOEL: Hmmm... I wonder what profanity those things are bleeping out this time. > Luckily, Katherine was alowed visitors. Susan got Katherine's mom to > take her and Blip to the place of Katherine's jailing. After several > secutity checks, and running Blip through a few scanners ('To make sure he > wasn't a bomb'), TOM: I don't know about the bot, but this story has bombed beyond help. > Susan and Blip were alowed into Katherine's cell. > The cell was a horrible sight. It was totaly padded with white cloth. > There was one window facing the outside, but it wasn't much of a view > since thick steel bars blocked the path. But the worst of all was seeing > Katherine in the corner, shaking, trembeling. She was still in the > straight jacket CROW: Did I mention already that we don't care about the jacket's sexual orientation? TOM: Why, indeed you did. > that Susan tried so hard to save her from. > Katherine spoke first. "I... I want to thank you both for trying to > help me." JOEL: (Katherine) Can you believe this whole getup?! And all because I followed my dog's orders to kill! > "No biggie." Said Blip, trying to remain cool. > "I just don't understand. They're jailing you, literaly, for playing a > game and trying to connect two cultures. TOM: Norns have culture? Did I miss it? CROW: Yeah, you blinked. > Why not jail Cyberlife, or a.g.c., or Mindscape, too?" Susan started. CROW: Well, they're not the freaks with the secret labs and the grendels and all that. > "I heard other patients talking. They said there were more like me... > They've already commited several players." admitted Katherine. "They also > said that the doctors thought we were the worst they'd seen in a while... JOEL: (Katherine) Yessss, we were, weren't we, my Preciousss?? > I was the worst case of them all, they said, and soon they'l move me from > this cell to a smaller cell without a window. Just a light at the top." (J&TB cheer) > "Katherine!" Susan got an idea. "I- I think maybe Blip and I can get > you out of here. Huddle closer to me." The trio disscussed an idea very > quietly. They couldn't risk overhearing. JOEL: How do you overhear yourself? > Once all the details were worked out, they sat back. Then the door to > the cell opened. It was a rather portly nurse, CROW: (Yakko Warner) Helllllooooooo, Nurse! > with a needle. "Time for your medicine!" the nurse chirped. > "No, oh Gosh no...not again..." Katherine stuttered. "HELP ME!" But > she could'nt move very fast, because of her straight jacket, so the nurse > easily pinned her. TOM: Wow, full-body straightjacket. > Katherine struggled hopelessly. The nurse stuck the unusualy long > needle in Katherine. > Katherine stopped struggling. She kind of looked dazed. "I like > cheeeeeese!" she mused, then began laughing. Susan and Blip backed away in > fear. "Cheeeheeeheeese! CHEEEEEEEEEEEEEESE!" JOEL: Boy, nothing like that instant anti-psychotic medication. CROW: Yeah, especially that new kind that makes the patient even more psychotic. > Katherine shouted. Then she stuck > out her tounge and made that 'Phbt' sound with her tounge. The visitors > took this as a sign to leave. > * * * * * > It was now dusk. Susan, Blip, Jenna and Karr were sitting in the bushes > outside the asylum. "Everyone understand what they do?" Susan asked. CROW: (Susan) I make sarcastic comments, Blip squirms, and Jenna looks unbearably cute. > "Got it." Blip replied. > "Push yes." Jenna answered. > Susan took a look at the faces that surrounded her. 'Odd, how > Katherine's old creations of the past come back to ensure she has a > future.' Susan thought. JOEL: (Susan, musing) And they're all concentrating on the good and the beautiful, which, over the years, I have grown more and more sure is the best and wisest thing to do. > "Let's do it." she commanded. > Jenna and Karr went out of the bushes, and through the front doors. > Once inside, Jenna went up the the front desk. "Push yes hand. Get hand. > Hand get hand. Jenna push hand." she began babbling. > Karr helped too. "Push hand yes. Run asylum. Get yes hand. Hand push > hand. Hand run." CROW: Um, would it be so hard to have subtitles for those of us who don't speak Nornish? > The person at the front desk picked up a WalkieTalkie. > "Hello? Security?" the attendent said. "We got a doozey down here." > Meanwhile, Susan and Blip stood outside the side of the asylum. > "Katherine's cell is on the second floor, right?" Blip asked. > "Right there." pointed out Susan. "You up to it?" TOM: Say, I've just noticed something. In this story, nobody ever just *says* anything. They ask, or point out, or command, or gulp... JOEL: Tommy me boy, it is an ancient and venerable literary mistake called elegant variation. Because of badly written fanfiction like this, it will outlive us all. TOM: Thank you, Obi Wan Ka-Joel. > "Better be." Blip gulped. Susan grabbed onto Blip's bace. Blip then > carried her up, up to Katherine's Cell. JOEL: More like Katherine's one remaining brain cell. > Then, he used a new feature Katherine showed Susan how to make: a laser. CROW: Blip's a Swiss Army Bot! > The laser cut through the thick metal and through the glass pane. Susan > used a free hand to clear the hole Blip made. Inside, Katherine sat, awake. > Susan grabbed Blip with Both hands, and used him to swing into Katherine's > cell. > "Better hurry, they're going to medicate me soon!" whispered Katherine. > Susan silently undid Katherine's jacket. JOEL: (Katherine) Say, all medication and no Creatures makes Katherine something something. CROW: (Susan) Go crazy? JOEL: (Katherine) Don't mind if I do! Oooga booga doodely doo! (Joel waves his arms around crazily) > "Jenna and Karr are keeping the guards buisy. Blip is outside. Hold > tight to my feet." Susan said. Then, she climbed out the window, and held > on tight to Blip. Katherine climbed out the window and grabbed Susan's > feet. Blip lowered them all to the round. The trio then tiptoed to the > front, looking in the front glass doors. > Karr saw them. "Run!" he shouted. Jenna and Karr pushed through the > ring of security guards that had formed around them, trying to figure out > what was happening. They joined up with everyone outside, and then > dissapeared. > The group of five ran all the way to Katherine's home and in to her > bedroom. > Blip looked out the window. "Katherine, they tracked us! We gotta get > Jenna and Karr back to Albia. They're too easy to recognise." he spattered. TOM: He spattered? He covered them all with paintballs as he spoke? CROW: Woo! > "Push mover" Katherine commanded, after turning on the HoloDeck and > making sure it was linked to Creatures. JOEL: Wait... I thought Creatures and the HoloDeck were on 24/7. > Jenna and Karr scurried onto the 'Deck, sensing tention, TOM: Tention = someone is putting up a tent in the area? (Tom rimshots) JOEL: Hey, that one's not bad. > and beamed themselfs back home. > "Katherine, I think they'll catch you! You don't have a choice!" Susan > responded, realizing that her plan to get her friend back had failed. CROW: _failed_ in the sense of "actually worked via gaping plot holes and violations of essential laws of physics"? > "Wait." Katherine slyly said. "What if I'm not in the country?" > "Explain to me how you're gonna get Cuba tickets and blow this place > in thirty seconds." Susan argued. > "I'm not. I think, if I'm not mistaken, we have a link to another > country, JOEL: The People's Republic of Freaks? TOM: The Island of Misfit Mads? CROW: No, you're both wrong! The Magical Land of Bob! JOEL: Mordor, maybe. Yeah, let's send Katherine to Mordor. > another world." Katherine reasoned. "I have no choice. To exape, I have to > use the HoloDeck. I have to beam myself- to Albia." TOM: Well, that would considerably extend the available setting. > "Katherine!" Susan argued. "You can't do that! That's nuts. There's > no sprites for you in the images directory. You'll make Creatures crash!" CROW: Soo... her friend has agreed to spend the rest of her life, or as long as it takes, in another freaking *dimension*, and what she's worried about is whether she'll have a guardian faerie in Albia? JOEL: Sigh. I'm going to have to teach you about graphics sprites later, little robot pal. > "True." replied Blip. "But we fixed that. It'l turn her into a nearly > pure norn." > "I should of known." Susan responded, realizing that she NEVER needed > to ever underestimate Blip or Katherine. TOM: Of *course* she didn't need to underestimate them! They underachieve just fine on their own! > But, then what Blip said soaked in. "Wait > a minute- It'l turn her into a NORN? Katherine stop, don't..." CROW: No, Katherine! Jump! JOEL: Push weed, Katherine! Push Grendel! Run food! > "Look, the authorities are after me, I'll be thrown into a small, > lightless padded cell if I don't get away. I'm sure you understand." said > Katherine. Then, she scrunched herself up on the HoloDeck, and pressed the > button. TOM: Aww, why couldn't she have *pushed* the button? Then this would be over! > A flash of light filled the room, and Katherine dissapeared. > Susan turned to Katherine's computer. "Where is she?" she asked. CROW: (Blip) Stupid computer... what do you mean Katherine's a bad file format? > "It takes a little while." replied Blip. JOEL: (Blip) You see, they have to devirus Katherine. Otherwise, her internal errors could melt down the whole hard drive. > Meanwhile, Katherine was floating in sort of an Inbetween space. This > was where the game determined what sprites to use. TOM: Titania and Oberon, perhaps? CROW: Nah, I'd have to go with Tom Bombadil and Goldberry. JOEL: Geez, guys! It's obvious! Mustardseed and the Lucky Charms Leprechaun! > A beam of light, like a laser > almost, flashed upon her face. Her brown hair turned a fluffy white, > her eyes widened, and her mouth and nose began to form a muzzle. TOM: Oh, that's good. A muzzle should shut her up. > The light turned to her body. The front turned a peach color, and the back > formed into a purpleish color, with a white tail. The light focused on the > arms and legs, which turned purple too. Then, the light grew bigger, > until it surrounded her in white. JOEL: (mystical voice) Go into the light, Katherine! Go into the Recycle Bin! > The > white then melted away, only to reveal... The garden of Albia. > Katherine looked around. "Wow! It WORKED! I'm ALIVE!" She exclaimed, > and did a little dance. CROW: ... made a little love, got down tonight. JOEL: Thank you, CrowCee and the Sunshine Band. > Her words came out of the litte speech bubble norns use when they want to > talk. > Back on earth, Susan and Blip were watching from Katherine's laptop. > "Wait- she's not talking in weird fragments! What happened here?" Asked > Susan. TOM: Wait, didn't we mention Deus ex Machina World yet? > "Hey-" Blip replied. "I said NEARLY pure norn, didn't I?" Just then > the doorbell rang. Susan got up to get it. It was the authorities. JOEL: Uh oh, someone doesn't love Big Brother enough. > "Hi there," said a man with a southern accent. "We're looking for > Katherine Riggs, have you seen her?" > "Never heard of her." Susan spat out, and tried to close the door. > The man stuck his foot inside. > "Then you won't mind if we take a look around." The man said. He and > another man came in and started serching the house. > They took what seemed like forever, but turned up clueless. CROW: (Cher from _Clueless_) Yeah, as *if* they'd find me. > Finaly, they > left. > Susan ran back to Katherine's room. There she found Jenna and Karr, > along with Blip. "Katherine," Susan typed in. "WHY are Jenna and Karr > here?" > "There's a nice norn couple out on the Islands that want to have a > child, but there were too many norns in Albia." Katherine answered. TOM: All on a Very Special Episode of HoloDeck. > "So I got rid of Jenna and Karr. JOEL: And exportation was never an option? CROW: Better yet, why not euthanasia? > Becides, it was THEIR idea." Just then, a big Ron norn came up > to Katherine. > "Push norn". he said. Since he was a bit angry, he gave her a hearty > thwap. (J&TB cheer.) JOEL: Finally, a character taking out our frustrations! > "Ouch!" Katherine cried out. She thwapped him back. > "OW!" the norn screamed. Then he thwapped her again. > "That's it." Katherine replied. "I am NOT going to take this anymore." > She took the ponytail holder off of her tail. Raising it slightly, she > shot it at him. > The ron norn screamed and ran away. CROW: Yup, it's official. This fanfic now has both pseudoscience and cheesy playground-tactics violence! > "Showed him." Giggled Katherine, retrieving the ponytail holder and > putting it back on her tail. > "I think you need to come back." suggested Susan. > "HA!" Katherine mocked. "Let's have some more fun. Export me!" > "What?" Susan was shocked. > "Yeah!" shouted Blip. "We want to know what it's like, OK Katherine?" TOM: Uh, who wants whom to do what? I thought it was Katherine's request... and... and... (Tom begins stuttering) JOEL: Remember, no hard thinking about continuity, Tom. Remember what happened last time... (Joel and Tom shudder) > "Deal." Katherine replied. Susan said nothing, but you could tell this \ > was worrying her sick. She exported Katherine. > "Hey!" Blip said. "Maybe we can e-mail CyberLife and tell them. Or we > could send Katherine..." CROW: (Blip) ... to Hell! > "We can e-mail Cyberlife," answered Susan, "But we are NOT sending > Katherine." Susan quit Creatures, and started up America On-Line. JOEL: OhdearGod. These characters are AOL users. That explains everything. > Then, withBlip's help, she typed the following message. TOM: Poor Susan, so hard for her to type since she had to have her hook. > Dear CyberLife, JOEL: (Susan) How do I worship thee? Let me count the ways... > My name is Susan, ALL: Hi, Susan! > and I am here with my friend's robotic invention, Blip. > My friend, Katherine, has created an invention called the HoloDeck. The > HoloDeck links earth to Albia. She now imports norns from Albia onto earth. > We have only imported three, the first norn ever to be on earth was Jenna, > who kisspoped with Jack, the second norn on earth, and gave birth to Karr, > the first norn born on earth. Katherine would mail you herself, but she's > now testing the HoloDeck, and has beamed herself into Albia. TOM: How nice of the fanfic to go through a flashback of stuff that happened not all that long ago! JOEL: Will there be a quiz at the end of the 'fic, or what? > Just thought you might like to know, > Susan > "I have to go pee." Susan said, after typing the letter. CROW: (Blip) Well, thanks for *sharing*. > "I'll wait outside the door." Blip replied. They left the room, > leaving Karr & Jenna alone. TOM: So... they're just gonna leave the computer alone with the e-mail unsent. JOEL: (Wakko Warner) But it's a *potty emergency*! > Jenna stepped up to the computer. > "Push computer" she said. She clicked on attached file. > "Push computer" she repeated. The attach file dialog box had been up. > She found something that said "Katherine.exp" and clicked on it. JOEL: (Jenna) Ha Ha! Once that idiot child is out of the way, I shall rule Albia with her magical device!! CROW: Oh, don't tell me it's now Dr. Jenna Forrester and TV's Karr. > "Push computer" she repeated. The dialog box had gone away. Now she > clicked 'send message'. Just then, Susan and Blip entered the room. > "Jenna," asked Susan, noticing the computer had been played with. > "what" > "Jenna push computer" Jenna replied. > "Hey!" Shouted Blip, looking at the screen. It read: 'Katherine.exp > -98% uploaded'. "Do you realize what Jenna did?" > "No!" Susan responded. "She- She sent Katherine to CYBERLIFE!" TOM: *gasp* No! ALL: Dunh dunh DUNNNHHHH! > "File's done." said the computer. JOEL: (Susan, sweetly) Thank you, computer! (Less sweetly, to say the least) KILL the Norn! > ---------------------------------------------------- TOM: I see the Hyphens Union demanded more jobs in this installment. > BEFORE I CONTINUE: Toby Simpson makes an appearance in today's story, and > I just want to say that I never mean any disrespect tword him. I can't > figure out how you can flame me for it, but I'm just covering baces. JOEL: (consoling voice) Oh, don't worry about it. CROW: We're gonna flame you to the ninth circle of Inferno whether or not you even mention Toby! > Meanwhile, in Cambridge, England, a lone employee was checking mail. > His name was Jack Zuckerman. He was happily ignoring all the e-mails with > norns attached to them stating that "This norn loves to push food!" and > "This norn is weird... It runs from plants just because I smacked it for > eating one..." and "What IS that big green thing that beats my norns? I > sent you a copy of it..." > However, he saw another email. This one sounded different... almost > intellegent. JOEL: ... after sending that one on to the Cyberlife powers that be, he found our heroes' e-mail and immediately deleted it. > It stated that the norn atached was an actual human. Jack had not > dealt with alot of prank e-mails, so he downloaded the file > ("Katherine.exp") and imported the norn immediatly. > At first, he was dissapointed. It looked just like a purple mountian > norn, TOM: (Jack Zuckerman) Sigh. Why did we release those Yukon Jack norns anyway? The graphics are really beginning to get on my nerves. > only with a Fox head. But then the norn gave him a big shock. > "That was WEIRD! Everything was black for a while..." Said the norn, > whom you know CROW: ... in the Biblical sense? > as Katherine. Katherine then took a look out the monitor. What she > usually saw, a blond-haired girl and a yellow floating robot, staring at > her was not there. No, this was a man, 20 years old or so, with almost > red hair. TOM: (Katherine) Oh! Conan O'Brien! Love the show, man, but why are you taking a part-time job at Cyberlife? > "Who- Who are you?" she asked. > "I'm Jack, from CyberLife." Jack typed in. > "How did you get in there?" > Katherine told Jack the whole story, from Jenna's first import, to > Jenna's kisspoping, JOEL: (Sigmund Freud) Kisspopping, kisspopping, it alvays comes back to zee kisspopping. > to Karr's birth, to the grendel, to being in the asylum, > and now to here. Jack picked up a phone an punched some numbers. "Hello? > May I speak to Toby Simpson? Yeah. Mr. Simpson? You gotta see this. What > is it? If I told you, you wouldn't believe me. You're comming? Great." > Then he hung up. He typed to Katherine: "Toby's comming down to see you." > "Excuse me?" gasped Katherine. Just then, she saw a figure come down > the stairs. It was Toby. CROW: Remember, in HoloDeck Land it only takes humans 15 seconds to get anywhere from anywhere. > "What was so amazing?" He asked. > "See that norn?" Jack pointed. > "Yeah. Another Highlander somebody send us?" Toby replied. > "Nope. That's an actual human." Jack answered. > "You've been playing too long." quipped Toby. Then he sat down to > the computer, took note that the 'norns' name was Katherine, and typed > "Katherine what" > "Why speak norn to me?" Asked Katherine. "My gosh, I'm human too. > I just LOOK like a norn." JOEL: (Toby) Ah, a Norn with an attitude problem. Slap 'er around a little. > Toby scooted back. This was not happening. TOM: Of course it's not! It's a fanfic! Just hold tight, Toby, and repeat after me: There's no place like reality, there's no place like reality... > He knew Creatures was designed to be upgradable, but this was > totaly unexpected. CROW: (Jack) Well, actually, sir, our R&D department has been working on a similar prototype for 18 mon - TOM: (Toby, cutting Crow off) Be quiet! If the press gets word of this, it was *totally unexpected*! > Jack took the controls and > typed in, "Tell Toby the story you told me." > So, again, Katherine told the whole HoloDeck story. Toby sat in awe. JOEL: Well, actually, when he fell off his chair... let's just say that the autopsy determined cause of death to be acute boredom. > "When she gets older," he thought, "This girl is going on my staff. > I claim her." TOM: Yep, Cyberlife has dibs on the evil geniuses. Unless Gizmonics makes a better offer. > Then, Toby typed to Katherine, "What if I send an employee over to your > home to check this out?" CROW: Check what out? The HoloDeck or the collection of forged Penthouse lett - uh... That'd be just great! > "That'd be fine with me." Katherine replied. Then, she watched the > cursor move tword the file menu. "Wait... before you export me, can you > help me with something?" > Back at Katherine's home, Susan & Blip waited for CyberLife to send > Katherine back. TOM: Stupid fanfic! Never going to tell us what Katherine wanted Toby to help her with! > All of a sudden, the computer shouted, "You've got mail!" CROW: Mad science, sponsored by AOL. > Susan scrambled to read the mail. It read like this: > Dear Susan, > We had a nice chat with Katherine, and she has agreed to let us come > to the 'states and see the HoloDeck. We look forward to meeting you, and > here is your friend back! JOEL: (Toby) Don't mind the Trojan horse, that's just a little gift from all of us. > Toby Simpson. > PS: Don't worry, we also mailed Katherine's mom a clean bill of health > from the 'asylum'. So Katherine is safe! TOM: (Toby) Katherine was the schizophrenic cannibal, right? No? Uh oh. > They downloaded the file, and imported Katherine, first into Albia, and > then into Earth. > "I got to meet TOBY SIMPSON..." Katherine mused, her first words now > that she was back on earth. > "And I hate you for it!" responded a jealous Susan. JOEL: (Susan) Well, I hated you *before* you met him, but now I have an excuse! > "Please, Please, let's talk science. What was Export like?" Said > Blip. > "It was dark." CROW: (Katherine) I was scared and I wanted my Boo Boo Bankie. > Katherine replied. Then she turned to Susan. "I met Toby!" > She whispered. Susan wresteled her to the floor, and they both rolled in > a playful fit of laughter. TOM: Oh God, fanfic, no rolling-around-on-the-carpet scenes, please! > ---------------------------------------------------- JOEL: And the hyphens are nature's way of telling us it's commercial time. [ "Illiterate? Write to Hooked on Phonics for help!" ] [After that batch of bibble, we return to the SoL Theater.] > -------- ALL: (singing) The hyphens go marching one by one, hurrah, hurrah... > It had been a while since that night that Katherine had been sent to > Cyberlife, specificly, two days. Jack was suppost to be comming to > Katherine's any minute. Susan & Blip were sitting in the Kitchen, while > Katherine was down in her lab. > "Tell me again what Katherine was doing?" asked Susan. > "She's trying to find a chemical in Creatures that can cure > Glycotoxin. So far, all she came up with is Glycogen." Blip answered. > "Ooo- that'l help some poor soul without BORG." CROW: That's nice. There are still a lot of people out there that aren't assimilated. > Susan mused. "Anyway, has she completley forgotten what time it is? > Jack should be here now!" > Blip looked at the clock. "Katherine told me that we were to make a > presentation if she wasn't up here when he arrives. > 'I can't be bothered.' she said." Just then, the doorbell rang. Susan got > up and answered it. 'Twas Jack. TOM: Yay! Let's tell the story in Scadian dialects from now on! > "Uhm, Hello," he said, "Is there a Katherine here?" > "She's doing an experement right now." Replied Susan. "I'm Susan, the > robot behind me is Blip, and I assume you're Jack." > "Why, Yes, I am..." Jack stammered. He walked behind Susan to get a > better look at Blip. "Katherine told me about you. I thought you were but a > myth." JOEL: (Jack) Yes, my bard Samwise sings to me of such myths, but 'tis a tale for another time and a less delicate companionship. > "No," Blip was confused. "I'm very much real, an invention of > Katherine's. Anyway, the HoloDeck is in Katherine's room. Care for a > demonstration?" > "Yeah." replied Jeff. All three of them filed into Katherine's room. > Susan turned the HoloDeck on, while Blip gave a small speech. > "The HoloDeck," he started, "Is an invention of Katherine's, one that > really works. CROW: (Blip) Unlike me. See, I'm a figment of your imagination. > See those two norns on the screen of that computer? That's Jenna, > the first norn who was ever on earth, and Karr, the first norn ever born > on earth. Now, if you would be so kind as to type in 'push mover', Jack? > Jack stepped up to the computer and did so. Jenna looked at him with a > grin, then led Karr over to the mover. She made sure they were both on, > and pushed mover. A flash of light appeared over the HoloDeck, and Jenna > and Karr appeared after it. > "My gosh..." Jack couldn't believe this. "They're..." he held out a > hand, and rubbed Jenna on the ear, then ran his fingers through Karr's > hair. "They really are real!" TOM: (Jack) And their fur would make *great* coats! > "As real as you and me." Susan replied. > Just then, everyone heard a big explosion from Katherine's Lab. > Then, Katherine appeared in the doorway. > "Wow!" She gasped. "I found a chemecal that reacts with Glycotoxin > to make Menthane, BOTS: (singing) Fresh goes better! Menthane freshness! JOEL: Guys, she means *methane*. CROW: Awww... why'd you have to go and spoil our moment? > which is highly flamable, so there was a big blowout down there. JOEL: (Katherine) Remind me not to play with the lighter with the really big flame column while there's a whole bunch of methane in the lab... but at least my eyebrows smell better burning this time. > But I put everything out. Hey, you're Jack!" > Jack wiggled his nose a bit. Katherine had menthane smell all over > her. TOM: (Jack) Nobles such as myself shalt not deal with skanky peasants with burning eyebrows without extreme duress! > He swallowed hard. "Yes, and I just saw your invention work well. We're > doing a promotion in Disney World, and Toby wanted me to ask if you'd > like to come help? > Susan, Katherine, and Blip looked at each other. Then, they began > dancing in a circle and shouting, "We're all going to Disney World! > We're all going to Disney world!" CROW: Gosh, and they didn't even have to win a major sporting event! > -------------------------------------------------------------------------- > -------------------------------------------------------------------- JOEL: (reporter) Hyphens begin picketing fanfic, lobbying for better union pay and benefits. TOM: (reporter) In other news, Joel and bots leave theater. (J&TB exit.) [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] (Scene: SoL. Tom is in drag to look like Katherine. Crow and Joel are nearby, but look normal.) JOEL: And now, a little song in honor of Katherine from today's story. Thanks for helping us out, Servo. TOM: Hey, Katherine's a real role model for mad scientists everywhere. I'm honored. JOEL: And now, with no further ado... (The little instrumental beginning to the _Mary Tyler Moore Show_ theme song plays.) JOEL: (singing, to the tune of the _MTM_ theme) Who wrecks her whole life with her projects? CROW: (singing) Who can take an Albia and suddenly fill it with test subjects? JOEL and CROW: (singing) Well, it's Katherine, and she should know it! When she gets turned into a Norn, that would show it! CROW: (singing) Cyberlife loves her; I don't know why! JOEL: (spoken) I thought Toby was a smarter guy! J & C: (singing) She's a Norn addict after all! She's a Norn addict after all! (Jaunty closing _MTM Theme_ music. Tom begins sobbing.) TOM: (sobbing all the while) I thought we were gonna sing a nice song! (Tom runs away crying. C&J snicker under breath.) JOEL: Oh, the things we'll do to make Tom cry. CROW: More like "Oh, the things we'll do to get Tom in drag". JOEL: Hmmmm... sounds like a question for the ages. Never mind, we've got FANFIC SIGN!! [6] [5] [4] [3] [2] [1] (Scene: SoL Theater. Joel and Crow come in, but there's no sign of Tom.) JOEL: Wow... where'd Tommy go? Didn't he hear the Fanfic Sign? (Tom, still sobbing, rushes into theater from left side. We can see his Katherine wig fall off as he runs to his seat.) CROW: Hi. Sorry about the whole emotional distress thing... TOM: (sniffs slightly) Oh, it'll be OK. After all, it's only Katherine. > ----This is where HoloDeck 8 should be. JOEL: The good news: This segment has been condensed. The bad news: All the crappiness has been retained, if in a more concentrated form. > Just so you don't get very confused, the group has been having bad things > going on all week, CROW: What else is new? > and they are totaly exausted. However, they nd out who's been behind > this: TOM: What, the pitiful mass that is their lives? > The Wolfpack. CROW: Wait a sec, isn't the Wolfpack a wrestling group? > The Wolfpack's leader Jasper, who was the kiddnapper of Blueberry, has a > notorious plan to bring down CyberLife. He plans to tie Blueberry to two > firerockets JOEL: Guys, you know me. I was an outstanding science student. But... would someone explain to me what a firerocket is??? > and light them, thereby killing Blueberry. CROW: And *how* again do you kill a stuffed animal? > The fireworks continue up in a swirling fashon (So they look like a DNA > strand, Cyberlife's Logo.) until they hit Tinkerbell, TOM: Ah, there's one of those sprites we've been hearing about for the entire fanfic. > who always starts off the nightly fireworks at Disney by jumping off of > Cinderella Castle. The HoloDeck cast decides to put a damper on the plan, > and get ready to take themselfs into a dangerous situation.---- JOEL: Yes, a dangerous situation, but not nearly as dangerous as the time Katherine jury-rigged her lighter. > All five members of Katherine's little 'band' was sitting under > Cinderella's Castle. They were about to do a major rescue operation. CROW: (looking up)Powers that Be, I am not a praying bot, but *please*, I beseech thee, do *not* make this a Rescue Rangers crossover! > "Everybody understand what's about to happen?" Katherine asked. > Susan and Blip nodded. TOM: (Blip) Yes. We stagger about blurting out random bits of stilted dialogue until the problem magically resolves itself, just like we've been doing for most of the story, right? > Karr and Jenna looked completley clueless, as usual. Katherine looked at > each face one by one. There was a good chance she'd never see anyone of > them again. JOEL: Which would mean *we'd* never have to see them again. Woowoo! > Katherine then took one last breath. "Move out." She commanded. > They split up into two groups. For simplicity, we'll follow each group > seperatley: TOM: (South Park doctor voice) Alright, Group 1 will save the world, while Group 2 will sit in the hotel, drink refreshing beverages, and watch family movies. > Group 1: Katherine, Susan & Karr CROW: Hey, I just thought of something! Maybe this Susan that we know so little about is actually the Susan that was Death's granddaughter! This could get fun! TOM: Yeah... maybe The Band with Rocks in It will show up! Or C.M.O.T! Or the Librarian! Things are really looking up for this fanfic! JOEL: (to the Bots) Has anyone ever told you two that you read too much Pratchett? TOM: Oh, be quiet, Big Mad Drongo. > The trio moved silently through the thick shrubbs JOEL: Ah! A shrubbery! Now they can bribe the Norns that Say Ni! > that surrounded > Cinderella Castle. They then hit a gate, which they climbed over, and > landed in more shrubbery. There, they laid eyes upon the Wolfpack. CROW: Gosh, I love watching riveting action sequences set in Disney World and revolving around a disgustingly cute A-Life game. > "Where's Blueberry?" snarled Jasper. He had two firerockets in his > hand. TOM: (Sigmund Freud) Und in zis scene, zee firerockets, zay are phallic symbols, ja? JOEL: Well, they could be anything, since we have no idea what they actually *are*. > Another man ran up to him with the kidnapped norn in his hand. "Right > h-here, s-sir." He stuttered. TOM: Y'know, Porky Pig makes a really bad gang member. > "Great!" exclaimed Jasper. He pulled some twine out of his pocket and > tied Blueberry to the firerockets. Then he positioned them on the ground. > "Hey! Where's my lighter?" Jasper wandered off in search of something to > light the firerocketts with. CROW: The FireRockettes! Their act is red-hot enough to set off the smoke detectors! > "I'm going in." Whispered Katherine. She started to crawl out of the > shrubbs. > Susan put her hand on Katherine's shoulder to stop her. "Wait! You > can't go. If they catch you, there's no telling what they'l do to you. > The world can't offord to lose an inventor with your mind! JOEL: Well, she does make the other inventors look *so* much better. > Let me go." Susan then shinnied out of the bushes, not waiting for a > rebuttle. Katherine, realizing Susan was too far away to be stopped, > grabbed Karr and slunk back into the bushes. > Susan crawled tword the firerocket. She got closer, and closer, (J&TB start humming "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails) > until > finaly, she grabbed Blueberry. A Wolfpack member looked up. "Hey!" He > shouted. "It's one of those kids! TOM: (Wolfpack member) One of those meddling kids and their dog! We woulda gotten away with it if they hadn't shown up in that psychadelic van! > And she's got Blueberry!" Jasper, who had found his lighter, ran after > Susan. CROW: (reciting haiku) Jasper likes his Bic He sets Susan's hair aflame Burning stuff is fun! (Joel snaps his fingers in beatnik fashion.) TOM: (beatnik) Cool. I dig, man, I dig. > They chaced each other the length that Susan traveled, until Susan got > an idea. CROW: Yes, there truly *is* a first time for everything! > She kicked a twig infront of Jasper's foot, causing him to take a hard > spill. JOEL: Remember, kids, in Deus ex Machina World, even the tiniest twig can put a bad guy out of commission for the rest of the story! > She scattered into the bushes, and then 'the band of theives' scrambled > up the gate and all the way to Cinderella's Castle. > Group 2: Blip and Jenna. > Jenna had a hold of Blip Bace, as he flew higher and higher. Blip's > destination was the top of Cinderella Castle, where Tinkerbell was going > to jump. (Refrerence: For those who never have been to Disney World, > Tinkerbell always jumps from Cinderella Castle to start the nightly > firework show.) CROW: All right, anyone not been to Disney World? Raise your hands. Yeah, I didn't think so. > When they got there, Tinkerbell was already up at the top, with a man who > was helping her put on a harness. TOM: (Blip) Hmm... I wonder why they're using a black leather harness with silver studs... > Blip let Jenna down on the top of the castle. "WAIT!" He warned. > "Tinkerbell CAN'T jump tonight!" > The man helping with Tinkerbell's harness looked at Blip. "Are you > totaly nuts? Tink' always jumps!" JOEL: (Tinkerbell guy as gangster) Always, capice? If you try and stop her, don't be surprised if you find Goofy's head in your bed! > "No! There's these people, the Wolfpack, and they're gonna shoot her > with firerockets, an' an' an'..." Blip staggered. He was too scared to > make any sence. > "Look," the man snarled, "... Wait a minute! I'm talking to a robot! TOM: Hey, man, why all the anti-robot hate in this story? > 'Tink, you ready?" Tinkerbell nodded, then began her decent. CROW: She just began to be decent now? Wow. > Blip, if he had skin, would of turned ghost white. He couldn't take this > anymore. He flew down from the castle, forgetting completley about Jenna. > He flew below Tinkerbell. He was going to block that firerocket, if it was > the last thing he'd do. TOM: (Sigmund Freud) Zo, Blip, as zee symbol of watchful society, is attempting to prevent zee firerockets - zee phallic symbol - from contacting Tinkerbell - zee symbol of virginity and innocence! Ja! JOEL: Did I mention you're putting far too much thought and imagery into this fanfic? > Back to Group 1: > Karr was fiddleing with Blueberry. JOEL: (Karr) Man, this norn is outta tune! Maybe if I just rosin my bowstring... > Something caught Susan's eye. "Hey," she asked, "What's that bright > yellow thing below Tinkerbell?" CROW: Hmm... the sun, maybe? Perhaps the moon? Another heavenly body? > "Blip didn't stop her?" Katherine turned to the night sky. "OHMYGOSH!" > She nearly choked. "That's BLIP! He's in the way of the firerocket!" TOM: (Katherine) Damnit, I told him if he had to sacrifice himself, he'd do it for me! *Me*! > A million things ran through Katherine's mind. The first time Blip was > started up. JOEL: (Blip) Hello. Where would you like to go today? > How hard she worked to make him. When they first discovered Creatures > together. The HoloDeck ordeal. CROW: All righty, fanfic, let's *not* flash back to stuff we saw five minutes ago... > Just then, she watched the firerockets shoot up, in a blue spiral. > All her thoughts about her best friend stopped, when she saw the > firerockets jam in Blip, and then explode. TOM: Oh, the humanity! Er... oh, the bot-anity! JOEL: Oh, the inanity! CROW: See what I mean? The bot is just cannon fodder or comic relief! Nobody loves the bot... JOEL: And on that thought, time for something much the same. [More commercials, mostly repeats of one we've already seen. Blah.] [Back in the theater...] > ------ > Katherine looked at the night sky horrified. Just a split second > before, her best friend in the world, Blip, had taken a firerocket for > Tinkerbell. She stood there, cold, feeling numb with JOEL: Hypothermia? > sorrow and fear. Just then, a voice behind her broke the errie silence. > "What the bloody heck was that?" It was Jack. TOM: See, he's British! He said 'bloody'! > Katherine turned around slowly. "Blip... He got that... fire rocket > jammed in him..." she choked on every word. CROW: (Wakko Warner) Goodbye, Old Screamer! > "Is that what hit me on the head?" Jack asked. He held out a chunk of > what used to be Blip. It was the part that was Blip's screen, where his > eyes were displayed, and a few more circuits and such hanging off it. JOEL: (Jack) Yeah... that hit me on the head... and I got freaked and trampled it a little... sorry about irrevocably destroying your creation and best friend in the world and all. > Katherine grabbed the chunk from Jack's hand. She looked at the backside, > where thecircut boards and such were. "Hey, most of these are OK. Maybe > I could..." she started. But she never finished. Instead, she flipped the > hunk over, revealing the screen. For some weird moment, there was a > glimmer of hope that two green eyes would pop up on that black screen of > his. But they didn't. There were only two green lines, that only appeared > when he shut his eyes, which just made things worse. CROW: Of course, if she created and programmed him, she programmed that herself... oh, never mind. > She fell on her knees, too totaly sorrownful to even cry. Just then, the > Park police and Toby Simpson passed them. The Park Police had Jasper > handcuffed and chained. > "So," Toby asked a struggling Jasper, "Tell me again why you want to > bring down Cyberlife? TOM: (Jasper) Because it's the integral link in our plan to rule the world! You'll see! Brain and I will succeed one day! > "I was always jealous of you!" Jasper snarled. "You an' Ben were > always the family favorites!" > "What the-" Toby stood still for a minute in awe. "How the hey am I > related to you?" JOEL: (Jasper) Tooooooobyyyyyy.... I am your faaaaaaatherrrrrr.... > Jasper struggled a bit more, then settled down and explained: "You're > my Aunt's uncle's cousin's brother's sister's son's cousin's mom's > adopted brother's half-uncle." > "And what does that make us?" Toby demanded. > "Uhm..." Jasper thought a minute. "I have no idea." > Toby guestered to the Park Police. "Take him away." Then he walked > over to Katherine and bent over, and placed his hand on her shoulder. > "I'm very sorry about what happened to Blip." he replied "But I think this > is yours." He handed her another chunk of Blip. Katherine sat there, > looking at the two chunks. TOM: (McCoy) He's dead, Katherine. > They fit together nearly perfectly, and most of the ciruitry wasn't > damaged. CROW: Sooo... spill liquid on computer = computer fried, but computer hit by fireworks = no problem! > All of a sudden, Katherine raised up. "Hey- most of the important > stuff is still there- The memory, the main startup system, the OS, the > emobord... I think I can fix this!" TOM: (Katherine) Of course, then it'll explode, and we'll be back to square one. > Jack looked confused. "An emoboard? What's that?" JOEL: (Katherine) Oops, I meant emery board. See, Blip helped me do my nails... > Katherine leaned tword him. "See that right there?" She answered, > pointing to the front half of the dead Blip. "THAT'S an emoboard, short > for Emotion Board. It was what allowed Blip to show emotions like he did. > Sorrow, joy, sarcasim, it all took place right here." > Toby peaked over their sholder. "Really? Would you mind to mail us one > sometime?" Katherine agreed. CROW: That's our Katherine - mad enough to create something like the HoloDeck, but still stupid enough not to even consider a patent. > As she aggreed, the man who was helping Tinkerbell came up to them, > carrying Jenna. "I think this is yours." He responded, and set Jenna on > the ground. JOEL: (Katherine) Hey, wait! This isn't our norn! It's too shaggy! > He then lumbered off. TOM: (singing) Oh, he's a lumberjack, and he's OK. > Everyone looked up to the night sky, where the fireworks were going > on. "Jack," Katherine started quietly, "I- I'm not sure I could watch > anymore fireworks." Just then, the last one sounded. Toby exused himself, > and everyone else walked to the Bus Stop. CROW: (singing) The Blue Bus is caaaallllling us! > * * * * * > On the bus, Katherine held tight to the two halves of Blip. Susan > looked over in Katherine's direction. "Katherine," Susan began. "I've been > watching you tonight. ALL: (singing) Every vow you break, every smile you fake, I'll be watching you! > And I've been wondering, could you two- You and Blip - be more than just > 'lab partners'?" JOEL: (Katherine) Well... we weren't going to come out as a couple until the Senior Prom. > Katherine winced. It was a topic she dare not disscuss. She liked to > think of Blip as solely a lab partner, a co-worker, nothing more. But deep > down, waaay deep down inside her, she knew he wasn't. TOM: So, her spleen knows. > "Really, you claim you're just 'lab partners', " Susan continued, "But > sometimes I think that there's some kind of- friendship." > Katherine never wanted to admit it, not even to herself, but Blip was > probobly her BEST friend. CROW: Ooh, not only are they friends, but they're pro-Bob. JOEL: You sure there? I could swear Katherine was a Pink... > He always understood what she talked about, they always laughed at the > same things, and had the same interests. It was possible that he could of > been like that because she had programmed him, TOM: (sarcasm sequencer) No! Really? > but she was six when she created him, and things do change, so it was > doubtful. "No," she replied quickly, "Not possible." > Susan looked at Katherine with that patented 'one eye's kinda squinted > and one eyebrow's raised' look, that meant she was highly suspicious of > her, CROW: Ah, she means O_o. JOEL: Say, how do you pronounce O_o anyway? > but then turned and looked out the window. Katherine sat, deep in thought. > Was it possible that she really was ...friends with Blip? TOM: (sarcasm sequencer still on) Well, considering how the fanfic has been calling them that since Blip died, just *maybe*! > No, it was totaly out of the question. But still, there was a little > nagging voice inside of Katherine that told her Susan was right. She > looked left, then right, and gave the dead Blip a hug. CROW: Joel, I'd just like to say here, bot to creator, that I'm *extremely* glad you don't hug me often, and I *really* hope you don't hug me when I'm dead. JOEL: No problem, little buddy. It's the least I can do. > Realizing what she'd done, she mentaly smacked herself and turned tword > the window. > * * * * * > "Are you done?" Susan called. She was speaking to Katherine, who had > made a makeshift lab in the Hotel Bathroom. CROW: Hmm... Hotel Bathroom is a mindbogglingly bad name for a hotel, in my humble opinion. > "Nearly!" Katherine called back. She was trying to rember how she had > wired Blip, because simply, it had been 7 years since his creation, and > she hadn't done anything like that since. There was a minor explosion, > and then Katherine came out with a repaired Blip. TOM: I can't believe there was a time when I kinda looked forward to the explosions. I guess this story has deadened me to all that. > "His battery will need to be charged, but I salvaged everything. He looks > as good as new!" She exclaimed in total joy. Bounding over to the plug by > her bed, she plugged Blip in. > Slowly, two green dots for eyes formed on his dark black screen. > "Where the hey WAS I?" Blip asked. JOEL: (Katherine) Oh, just a local chop shop. I got some clean cash for some of your circuit breakers. > Katherine began to dance around the room, glad to have her fri- I mean > 'lab partner' back. TOM: See? Further evidence she's a norn. She's doing the Happy Dance. > Then she shook her head and sat down on the bed. "What do you rember?" She > asked. > "Wow- It's all comming back." Blip seemed daized. "I- I rember! > Tinkerbell refused to listen to me, so without a second's thought, I > dived down below her, and... then... everything sort of went black..." > "You were hit by a firerocket." Katherine explained. "But look, we'll > talk in the morning. You need to stay down there on the ground and charge." > Everyone then decided bed sounded like a good idea. JOEL: (Katherine) Goodnight, Blip Boy. CROW: (Blip) Goodnight, Susie Ellen. TOM: (Susan) Goodnight, Katherine Walton. > Later, after everyone had tucked themselfs in, Katherine heard a voice. > It was Blip. > "Katherine?" he asked. > "Yeah?" She ansered. CROW: (Blip) There's a monster behind this socket and I'm afraid of the dark and read me another bedtime story!! > "I- I really missed you." Blip sighed. > "I- guess I really missed you too." Katherine replied. Then she > rolled over, ignored that little voice that was nagging at her, insisting > Susan was right, and fell asleep. JOEL: Aww, heartwarming. And now, some Aryan Mentos people. [Several Aryan Mentos people later, we're back at the theater.] > ------ > Katherine slunk down the hall. She had been home from Disney for around > and about a day, TOM: And a roundabout day it was. > and she already had a new invention to blow away any doubt of her skills. JOEL: Uh oh, Katherine's playing in God's domain again. > It had currently been moved to her room, so she had to do the final > touches there. Opening the door slowly, she ducked inside the cover of her > makeshift lab. Blip was waiting for her there. > "It's right where you left it." Blip told Katherine. Katherine knelt > on the floor, becide the mashine, which resembled a tube of glass, dug a > screwdriver out of a bag she left by her bed, and started tweaking. CROW: What, no explosion? > Blip looked over her shoulder, watching her silently work. "Why do you > do it?" he finaly asked. > Katherine stopped and turned tword him. "Do what?" > "Build things." Blip asked, again. "It seems like an obsession of yours, > making and tinkering. You've always got some 'project' you're working on." TOM: (Katherine) Well, I take dried frog pills for that now. > Katherine sat for a minute. Why DID she do what she did? Truth be told, > the HoloDeck and Blip were around the only things she's ever made that > really worked. Usualy what would happen is that she'd start something, > live through some explosion (EVERYTHING she did blew up.) JOEL: We knew that, fanfic. Tell me, though, why does she have to live through all of them?! > just to find that something goes terribly wrong, and she can't fix it, so > it goes into a pile of things in her lab that she uses for 'spare parts'. > It was a horribly frustrating experience, and she'd always be in this down > mood for a few days after. "Now that I think about it," she started, > "I have no idea. I guess it's just sort of a habit." > "Yeah," thought Blip, "That's really all you ever have known, now that > I think about it." He rembered briefly that when she was little, she'd > even give up chances at being outside with other little kids to work on her > inventions. CROW: Gee... tinkering all day, building robot companions, and working on projects to the sacrifice of all social life. Sound like anyone we know? JOEL: Be quiet, you. Remember, I'm the one who controls the RAMchips. > But he quickly shook the memory away, and continued to watch. > A smile appeared on Katherine's face as she worked. "Hey, this just > might be OK!" she exclaimed. > "What might work?" a voice behind her asked. Katherine jumped, and a > spark flew up from her work. She spun around quickly. > "What the- Susan?" Katherine nearly choked. How'd she get in there? > "Hey, the door was open." Susan answered, nearly reading Katherine's > mind. "So, what's this thing?" TOM: (Katherine) Oh, nothing much. Just a suicide machine. > "It's something I've been working on." replied Katherine. CROW: This has been a message from Captain Obvious. > "I think it'l work. If you'd be so kind as to tell Jenna and Karr to push > mover, the computer's on my bed ready to go." > Susan turned to the computer, started creatures, and told Katherine's > test subjects to 'push mover'. Jenna, as if she was a trained lab rat, JOEL: Nope, she's a norn. Pinky and the Brain demanded time-and-a-half for wearing the norn suits, so they were forced to go with the real thing. > lead Karr over to the Albian HoloDeck in the garden and did as she was > told. They were beamed to Albia. TOM: ... with a slight detour on Earth, I see. > "Great!" Katherine exclaimed, then took Karr off the HoloDeck. She > then fitted the glass tube-like thing over Jenna and the 'deck. "See this?" > she asked. > Blip and Susan nodded. "This is an attatchment to the HoloDeck. It > should allow a norn to speak near-perfect english!" CROW: Yay! More exciting Deus ex Machina action! > Without a second thought, she leaned over and pushed the button that > usualy transfers whatever is on the HoloDeck to Albia. This time however, > actual letters seemed to appear in the tube. There was a light humming, > and then the contrraption shut off. Katherine slipped the tube off of the > 'Deck, and looked at Jenna. "'You alright?" she asked. > "I'M ALIVE!" Jenna shouted. "I didn't explode! I'm not some sort of > muntant!" JOEL: (Katherine) Oh, just wait a bit. Hehehehe... > "Well," Katherine responded, "Thank you for your confedence in my > abilities." > "And I know ALL your names!" Jenna prattled again. "You're Susan, > and you're Blip, even though I have yet to figure out WHAT you are, > an' you're Katherine... And... you're Karr, my son.." Jenna ran up to him > and gave him a real hug, instead of one of those weird 'tickles' norns > give. CROW: This fanfic's saccharine levels have been known to cause cancer in laboratory animals. > Karr was totaly confused. "Pull norn" he blanky replied. > "Oh..." Jenna pulled back, "That's right. Katherine, can you please, > please put him in there?" > Katherine smiled, pleased with that bit of gengenering Jenna had done > at birth. TOM: Wow, Jenna's a Renaissance norn now. Mother, rescuer, lab animal, and genetic engineer! > "He was my next patient." She gave Jenna a scritch, then picked up Karr, > set him on the HoloDeck, and placed the tube over him. At first, every > thing seemed normal. But then there was a blinding flash of light, and > Karr was gone. > "What happened?" Susan turned to Katherine. JOEL: (Katherine) Well, I sorta converted him into pure energy, like in that one episode of _Star Trek_. > "Oh gosh!" Katherine gasped, "I- I have no idea. Wait, maybe..." > Katherine found her screw driver and began tweaking a box attached to the > tube. "If I just switch these two, then, if someone will push that button > for me..." TOM: (TV's Frank) Ooh! I'll do it! I have lots of experience pushing buttons, you know... > Jenna pushed the button for Katherine. Just then, Karr appeared back in > Katherine's room, along with an Ettin. CROW: Yay! A two-headed dragon to eat them all! > But this Ettin, unlike the bright maroon ones you download off of online, > was an actual white. > "Bean wasn't kidding when she said she'd fix those sprites." remarked > Blip. TOM: (Bean) Come back here, Tinkerbell! I'll fix you!!!! > The Ettin, who oboisly hadn't noticed where she was, threw up her arms. > "Ha! My name is Ellen, decendent of the great Nitte! I have you right > where I want you! You will now feel real live pain, Karr!" She laughed. CROW: That's the oddest-sounding laugh I've ever heard. And one of the longest. > "This is like a bad episode of Grenorn." Susan mused. > Katherine elbowed her in the ribs. "There is no such thing!" JOEL: Of course. Of the *one* conversation in this fanfic they have to go back to, it *has* to be the pitiful lucid-Grenorn one. > The ettin then took a good look around. "You mean I'm not in Grenorn?" > Blip floated closer. "No, this is HoloDeck. You know, the story about > a smart but socialy unaware girl, her robotic helper and her sarcastic > friend who get into big trouble but somehow always come out on top." TOM: And this is... ? CROW: Mystery Science Theater 3000. You know, the show about a smart but socially unaware temp, his sarcastic robot friends, a quasi-evil mad scientist, and his hapless assistant. We always get in big trouble, but it always ends up that we just have to go back to this theater and riff something bad. > Ellen looked confused. "I must've taken a wrong turn at > 'C2 explanation. So, this isn't the real Karr?" > "No, he's named in honor of the Grenorn series." Jenna explained. > "You're not going to hurt him, are you?" JOEL: (Ellen) Oh, yes, I'm going to hurt him. But there'll be a slight service charge for having to do a house call in an otherwise pointless fanfic. > "No..." Ellenslyly seemed to laugh at the group. "Not unless I could > have a replacement..." > Katherine stepped forward. "Take me." > Ellen took a few steps tword Katherine. "You'd do that for a creation > of yours?" > Blip flew over to Katherine. "Now you wait just a second, " He > sputtered, "You think about this..." > Katherine pushed Blip aside. "I already thought about it. Please, > don't touch Karr. Hurt me instead." TOM: (Katherine) No, on second thought, don't... AAAAAAAHHHH! OH, it hurts!! (Al Jolson) Mammy! > Ellen looked almost amused. "I admire your bravery. I don't think I'll > go so hard on you for that." CROW: (Ellen) On second thought, I *will* go harder on you. You're just *such* a ninny. > Then she paused. "Wait a second. I keep up with this series. (J&TB just groan.) > Katherine, you were a norn once right?" > Katherine looked puzzled. "Yeah... as much a norn as possible..." > Ellen grinned. Then she raised her hands above her head and recited: > "Grendel's Cauldren, Grendel's brew > These are the words I say to you > Norn you were once, norn you are again, > Standing there with your dumb nornish grin!" JOEL: You know, it was the strength of this performance that caused Ellen to get the part of the Second Witch in the latest Broadway run of _Macbeth_. > A puff of smoke filled the room. When it cleared, Ellen was gone. > Standing in Katherine's place was the norn she had once been changed into, > the one with the fox head, and the purple mountian everything else. TOM: Wow, she looks like Nell Fenwick now! > "Katherine," Susan asked, "Are you OK?" > Katherine looked at Susan. Then she shocked the whole room. "look hand" > she answered. > "She sounds like I used too." Karr answered. > Jenna looked over tword Karr. "My gosh, she's not totaly nuts after > all..." CROW: (Karr) Oh, don't worry, she's still very nuts. She just got lucky. > "But the fact remains, Ellen did a job on Katherine. Let me look you > over.." Blip hovered closer to Katherine. Standing here was his inventor, > his partner, who had now been changed to a... well, dumbfounded norn. It > was more than he could bear. He flew back. JOEL: Now that we're on this highly charged topic... guys, what would you do if I was turned into a norn? CROW: Weeeellll... JOEL: Let me rephrase that. Would you get domestic or imported beer for the keggers? TOM: Oh, imported, of course. JOEL: Good. I've taught you right after all. > "'You OK?" Karr asked. > Blip shook himself "Just fine. But what are we going to do about this?" > "Wait a minute." Jenna lit up. "I've watched Katherine spend many a > night on the internet, on this 'newsgroup' thing. Could we find an answer > there?" CROW: (Susan) No... but we could always get lamely flamed! > "My gosh, we could try!" Blip sputtered, flying over to the computer. > "Katherine's screen name is Bean 118, JOEL: Um, guys... CROW: Yeah? JOEL: Wasn't this story written by Bean 118? CROW: I think so... JOEL: Are you pondering what I'm pondering, guys? TOM: Yes... we've had a self-insertion fic all along and we missed our chance!! ALL: Aaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh! > and I know her password..." > Susan was reluctant. "We'll get our buts TOM: But what about your ifs and ands? Can't forget those. > flamed for this." JOEL: (Blip) Get used to it. "Hello, how are you?" gets flamed on the 'Net. > "But we have to do something!" Blip replied. "Are you going to let her > just stand here, being a simple norn?" > "I resent that." Karr answered. TOM: Oooh... the norns are gettin' uppity, time for more beatin's. > Blip turned to Karr. "I wasn't refering to you. Well, are we going to > try?" > Susan wasn't going to argue. She saw a sort of determanation in Blip > that was never really there before. "I'll type." she replied. And so they > sighned on... > ------ CROW: Oh, boy, what a chilling cliffhanger conclusion *that* was. Will they get killfiled? Or won't they? JOEL: I bet I can finish the fanfic at this point. They log on to alt.games.creatures, get flamed for being idiots, but get one or two responses saying 'Hey, that'd make a cool fanfic!' In desperation they decide to put Katherine out to pasture in Albia. She has five children before dying of a glycotoxin overdose. And the peasants rejoiced. The end. TOM: Yay. Let's blow this hotdog stand, fellow riffsketeers. (J&TB exit theater) (Scene: SoL. Tom and Crow are loitering. Joel enters, carrying a bowl of RAMchips.) JOEL: Well, in honor of a particularly rancid story today, I've decided to bring out some RAMchips. TOM: Woohoo! CROW: Wait, do we have to do that thing where... JOEL: Of course. Both of you need to give me one good thing and one bad thing about today's piece of fanfic. Think hard... OK, Tom, would you like to start? TOM: Sure! Well, the good thing about the fanfic was that the phrase 'HoloDeck' actually had nothing to do with the device! No evil _Star Trek_ crossover! And the bad thing... the cheesy tech-talk and implausible devices and plot contrivances made it waaaay too close to a _Star Trek_ fic anyway. JOEL: Good. Here's a RAMchip. (He hands Tom a RAMchip. Tom munches on it happily.) Crow? CROW: Well, Joel, the good part of this fanfic is that it only eradicated a tiny part of my fragile soul and only left me the eensiest bit bitter and cynical for life. The bad thing is that I was forced to waste my flaming hair haiku on this miserable excuse for fiction. JOEL: Nicely done. I'm sure you'll write another haiku on the subject on burning things. Meanwhile, here's your RAMchip. (He hands Crow a RAMchip. Crow wolfs it down.) CROW: Yummy. Thanks, Joel! JOEL: Any time. I gotta put these back; just amuse yourselves for a few minutes. (Joel exits carrying the bowl of RAMchips.) TOM: Hmm... now that we're beginning to analyze the fanfic, there's something that's been bugging me... CROW: Mmm? TOM: Well, you did that riff about Tom Bombadil and Goldberry being sprites. I'm pretty sure that's wrong. In fact, I found some evidence supporting the theory that Tom was actually the Witch-King in disguise... CROW: Oh, please, you've gotta be kidding me. It's been recorded that Tom was meant as an enigma, so why couldn't he be a sprite?? TOM: Well, lemme see here... (The Mads' light begins to blink.) TOM: Never mind, it's the Mads. You get the light, you're the one with the pseudo-functioning arms. (Crow gets the light. Deep 13 comes up on the viewscreen. Dr. F is there, looking even more peeved than usual. Frank is nowhere to be seen, but Ellen, the Ettin from today's fanfic, is standing behind Dr. F.) DR. F: Why, look. It's Frito Bugger and Spam Gangrene. Get your humanoid over here, won't you, boys? (Back on the SoL, Crow and Tom give each other looks.) CROW: Frito Bugger? He must be almost out of nicknames. TOM: Enh... (They run offstage, screaming 'JOEL!!'. A few seconds later, they reenter with Joel.) JOEL: OK, Dr. F, what's up, and what's with the lame nicknames? (Deep 13) DR. F: Oh, the nicknames? Just a little sudden impulse, ya know. But what's up? Weeelll... this stupid what-you-call-it... ELLEN: I'm a bloody *Ettin*! Wahahahaha! And I will destroy you and this entire silly world!!! Prepare to feel real live pain!!! DR. F: Yeah, yeah, whatever you say. Anyway, this critter just showed up and turned Frank into a whatcha... oh, yeah, norn. FRANK: (Nornish voice, offstage) Run hand! Run! DR. F: He's being a royal pain, running around crashing into things and speaking in fragments. You eembeciles read the fanfic with all these things today; tell me, what am I supposed to do with him?? (SoL. J&TB are trying really hard not to snicker. It's only sorta working.) JOEL: Well... you could always write to the Creatures newsgroup asking for help. (Deep 13. Ellen is gone, but Dr. F still looks perturbed.) DR. F: Shyeah. When's the last time anyone got anything constructive from a newsgroup? (SoL) CROW: Well... in that case, there's always the beating stick. (Deep 13. Dr. F is grinning.) DR. F: Of course! What a perfectly evil-genius thing to do! (He gets the portable beating stick from the Invention Exchange and extends it out.) Ohhhh, Frank... ohhhh, Ellen... (Dr. F runs offscreen. We begin to hear beating noises and yelps.) ELLEN: (offscreen) You can't do this! I'm an Ettin! I will destroy you! Owie! FRANK: (still Nornish, offscreen) Ow! Ow! Frank get no! DR. F: (cackling) Oh yeah, get no, you little... wait! Frank push button! FRANK: (Nornish, still offscreen) Frank push button! Run hand! (Frank pushes the button...) [VOOOOOOOOP] (Love Theme plays over the closing credits. In the background, we can still hear faint beating noises.) MiSTing - "The HoloDeck Series" Series by Bean, MiSTing by A. Van Rhyn MST3K Concept created by Joel Hodgson Additional Meaningless Credits: Lighting: Chuck Spanner Costuming: Patsy Button Hair: Crow of Beverly Hills Gaffer: Ranugand Galpsi Assistants to Gaffer: Shack Dye, Walter Simmons Best Boy: Annabelle Gwedivere Assistants to Best Boy: Aiden Bushwhack, Alec Trams Beating Stick Engineer: Austi JellO Wrangler: G. Tomasin, I.M.P. Creativity Leech: B. Gormley Grigori: Penemue Assistant to Grigori: St. Mark of the Perpetual Psychology Special Arthropod Consultant: Rasputin MiSTer's Gofer: Gollum the Radioactive Nuclear Holocaust Boy Great and All-Powerful Credit Engineer: ~~~> *Kalimac the Wise One* <~~~ Assistant Credit Engineer and Altoid Gofer: -> Sid the Admittedly Less Wise One, S.N.A.D.D. <- MiSTer's Wardrobe by Thingsville. Inspiration: Annakie & NummySampoCocolLlama The Unimitatable Austi Parrot Boy A Horde of Ravenous Llamas Jeeeeeeeeed the Evil One Waffles Johnson Mortimer, Dave, FotED and FotHD. Special thanks to Lord Rat for saving my first MiSTing from Bad Disk Sector Hell; Red Paladin, Erato, and WereTorgo and the rest of the gang on alt.tv.mst3k.mstings for support and C&C; and Latsy, for thinking up Strip Candyland. Keep circulating the text files! [DISCLAIMER: "Mystery Science Theater 3000" and all characters, settings, or anything else thereof are (C) Best Brains Inc. All rights reserved. Please don't sue me for copyright infringement, as this isn't meant as such, and I have nothing worth suing for anyway. No offense meant to Bean, any coauthors/consultants/other people who worked on the fanfic, or any real people mentioned in this MiSTing or in the credits following. This is all meant in fun and in the spirit of good MiSTing. All characters, places, and situations mentioned in the riffing, and presumably all the text riffed, and a good chunk of the credits, are either fictional or used fictitiously. Any similarity to reality is coincidental.] [Silly Obligatory Copyright Info: This MiSTing (c) Amanda Van Rhyn, and Fevered Little Minds Productions, 1998. If you want to put this up somewhere, or whatever, go right ahead; just e-mail me first (e-mail addy is in the Author's Note at the top), credit to me, and don't mutilate it. Although, if you feel the need to meta-MiST this, I don't consider that mutilation. All right, silly little copyright thingy over. Thanx. ] > "NO! Creatures is good! Creatures is PEOPLE! Creatures is PEOPLE!"