First let's talk about the way God made us. You learned this in Sunday School years ago. Now be patient and follow me dear friend. I am not being critical of you. In the beginning God created man and saw that man was lonely.
So what did He do? He took a rib from Adam and made what? A women? Yes, a women, but much more than that. What do I mean? God could have made a women without using one of Adam's ribs. Wright? Yes you know it. Of course he could. So why did He use the body part from the man? So they would be one body in a sense.
It's hard for us to understand this but God does not allow freedom with casual sex. His way around “the sex thing” is to make the women and the man one flesh. That is why He took part of Adam's body "flesh" to make Eve. Remember God said the man and the women "his wife" shall be one. And He said that man will cleave to his wife. He made us so that when we make love "wife & husband" God seees us as one, not two different people. Therefore it is not sin to Him.
The cleave part says that we (men) shall not do as is common in nature and the male go from one to another but stay with one women. He made us one flesh. We all, men and women husband and wife, bond our spirits so to speak and stick like glue together as one person in His eyes. And it is my observation that when marriage works right we tend to think alike, many thoughts the same etc. We are each others strength. Amazing ugh?
What does this have to do with you and the way your feeling? This is my view. Only my view. It looks to me that when you were 16 and very impressionable Mr. Wool Over Eyes, from now on known as Wooly, got into your heart deep. When Wooly got you pregnant he had all of the love he wanted from you, time to get out of here and get a new one. This one will take my money and freedom if I hang around.
That was a horrible hurt for you. It devastated your heart. But worse than that it caused a rife to be torn through your spirit, you lost all respect for man, and a deeper cut into your self respect. For a few years you wrapped yourself in the raising of the baby.
So… what are you searching for? You don't know do you? Just know you haven't found it yet. Come on stop a moment and think. Really pause and reflect on your heart.
In the beginning God made us a certain way. When we don't live the way He designed we are not happy. Searching, searching, always searching. Mr., no he does not deserve the title of Mister, his name is just Wooly and he tore your spirit to shreds.
He's a poor excuse for a man and owes you a lot more than 18 years of child support. He cut into your very being. Destroyed your trust in all men. You still needed the physical side so you tried to get that any way you could except keeping the heart out of it. But that is not the way your made, so it's not fulfilling is it?
Your searching for two things Jill. In the words of the song, "your looking for love in all the wrong places, looking for love in to many faces.... searching to find a friend and a lover, hoping to find..." Yes you feel your missing out on something. It is the completeness we feel when we have a solid relationship with our spouse. More importantly a personal relationship with Jesus. Your empty on both counts.
Timothy G. Me