Return to Long Island in Pictures

1. You're a douche bag
2. You've seen that shitty ass Long Island list and said "Oh My God, it's so true!!!"
3. You have a small penis
4. You've never seen a black person.
5. You knew a lot of Jewish people, but didnt know you knew a lot of Jewish people.
6. You've shit your pants.
7. You've been to Roosevelt Field and wondered "What are those nasty train tracks??"
8. You smell your fingers after you finger a girl.
9. You smell your finger after you stick it up your ass.
10. You like emo.
11. You have often wondered, "If I shit in the water at Jones Beach, will my asshole become a vacuum and suck in a massive amount of saltwater as a result of the law of equilibrium?"
12. You've sat at the beach and wondered, "If I put bologna on my penis, will the birds take it off gently, or in a rough manner?"
13. You've sat at the beach and wondered, "If I put bologna on my breasts and vagina, can the birds make me pregnant?"
14. You cry at the end of "The Boy Who Could Fly"
15. You purposefully swim into the middle of a group of stupid looking people to urinate at Jones Beach.
16. You find yourself thinking, "They had no good toys when I was young" because you are passed by a 2nd grader in a power wheels while you are walking to school.
17. You grew up believing Hofstra was the best school in America
18. If you are from long island you've made fun of Mike Apfelbaum in some way or another*
19. You are as surprised as I was to learn that the person who made the other list was not actually from Long Island.
20. You and your friends drank those malt drinks (Mikes Hard, Zima) and thought you were manly because of it.
21. You wore diapers until you were 5.
22. There was a boy in your kindergarten/1st grade class who would do things like whip out his penis and sometimes even jerk off...to the teacher's delight.
23. When you were young you and your friends found used condoms and didn't know what they were, so you held them up to your faces and played elephants.
24. One of those condoms smelled like doodie.
25. You saw a topless woman at Jones Beach and popped a hard on, even though she was all old and wrinkled.
26. Your town has a crazy homeless person who everyone knows and feels is part of their family.
27. You have mastered the art of creating meals and real sandwiches out of dollar menu items at McDonalds, Burger King and Wendy's. (Double Cheese + mac sauce + lettuce = big mac)*
28. Your uncle offered you a dollar for every rat you killed during the great rat epidemic.
29. You were upset when the great rat epidemic from the Levittown target (according to eyewitnesses, millions of rats flooded out of a drain pipe the construction crew hit) never really happened.
30. You were upset when they closed down the Indian point nuclear power plant because the thought of three eyed fish and horses with wings made you smile.
31. When grandma ate pudding, you imagined it bouncing around against the walls of her anus
32. There ain't no fart like a long island fart!
33. You jerk off at least 7 times a week
34. Who’s that dorky old man running around in a reflexive vest?
35. You became entranced by the bouncing of his exposed wrinkly skin in all its veiny glory.
36. Your friends dared you to taste their cum on a townhouse cracker, but you said it had to be a ritz...and then you did!!!
37. You always wished that the dinosaur from that skating place would take you out of the line of kids during the big dance and then drop his pants and thrash you with his throbbing penis
38. You would spend hours talking to that big face on seaford high school and it gave you some of the best advice of your life, though sometimes it would tell you to take off your clothes
39. You've wondered: what if Long Island was actually a giant's penis and the froth at the beach is the result of his wet dreams?
40. You've wondered: what if Long Island was actually America's phallus?
41. You have masturbated to scrimshaw pictures of naked women.
42. You always have your hand down your pants, patiently stroking your long, volumptuous pubic hair; even when speaking to your mother.
43. You are aware that bagels from 7-11 contain Ghandi juice*, but you are not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing.
44. You found the cart man asleep so you stole his cart and threw it into the sump with all of his bottles and cans.
45. You then laughed as he sifted through the dirty waters of the sump, gathering his belongings, crying.
46. A balding, dangerously obese man was eating popcorn on your couch in nothing but his undergarments, he has lived with you ever since.
47. On Halloween you were a table and your body was inside a cardboard box, then a bully knocked you down and spread his ass cheeks and let them flap together, smacking both sides of your face until someone came out of their house and threatened to call the police.
48. When you walk through fields you try to avoid stepping in the goose shit, but you just end up stepping in more than if you had just walked.
49. You read this list and think to yourself, "This young man seems to have an obsession with the phallus...and I like it!"
50. Long Island's greatest export: Corky from that show "Life Goes On"
51. During long trips in the car, if you pooped your pants the punishment was that you had to sit in it for the rest of the trip.
52. There was always that one friend of yours whose house smelled like old cheese and pickles.
53. You knew someone whose face you just wanted to break, if you could turn their face to glass and then smash it, you would.
54. Even though you got that horrible rash all over your body, it was still worth it to skinny dip with those somewhat pudgy girls in that water reservoir where the Southern State (west) meets the meadowbrook parkway(north).
55. Shoulder tapping for alcohol sucked, but it was necessary.
56. When somebody agreed to buy alcohol for you it was the greatest feeling in the world, but when they drove away with your money, it kind of ruined it.
57. Upon returning to Long Island after an absence of any kind, you announce "Long Island, you filthy beast, I have returned...to tame you!"
58. You got bigger after working out for a summer, but have since quit? You have permission to walk with your chest out like you're Mr. Universe.
59. Yes, Modell's is a fucking dump*.
60. No trend has been able to escape your fashionable eye...there, behind the pair of JNCO's, the stack of hardcore cd's, the various wrist bands, and the skates, is that your tamigachi crying to be fed? Oh, I didn't realize you couldn't see past your flipped up collar.
61. You actually believed the salesgirl at Lids when she told you that ugly multi-colored Yankees hat was one of a kind.
62. You've noticed the water tastes a little funny. The juices of death from Long Island's cemetaries have seeped into the water supply.
63. While sitting in the interminable traffic, you've thought to yourself, "Hmm, Long Island could sure use an Indian Casino out east!"
64. You're not ready to go out until the spikes of your hair are so sharp they draw blood.
65. When you read #50, you thought to yourself, 'What about Steve Gutenberg?,' File this one under: No Contest
66. Even though there is a 7-11 every 50 feet or so, you still get excited when a new one is built.
67. "Wait, you're gonna charge me $10 for a 6-pack of Bud Ice, and you're still gonna card me!?!?"
68. What's the name of the town you're looking for? Hmm, sounds like an Indian name, it must be somewhere 'out east'
69. WWBJD? (What would Billy Joel do?)...and if you ask yourself that because you're drunk and you're not sure if you should drive home, well, maybe it's best not to take the Piano Man's advice.
70. Yeah let's go to the Planetarium! You totally feel rain inside, and there's a picture of Snoopy, though I'm not sure why.
71. "No students, the Roosevelt Field Mall is not the cultural center of Long Island, the commercial center yes, but not the cultural...oh who am I kidding?"
72. You have jerked off in your friends bathroom at least once.*
73. wicked is not in ur vocabulary...and you hate every 1 that uses that word with a passion*
74. you hate people from upstate just because they live upstate....and their inbreed*
75. If there weren't Long Islanders just about everywhere you went, you would never leave the island.
76. You would proudly drink Blue Point, the beer brewed on Long Island, if it weren't so fucking expensive.
77. "Yeah! Let's go to a Ducks game...oh, the stadium is in Islip? I dunno...oh the nice part? Let's go then!"
78. Is that a diaper or a jellyfish? Either way, get the fuck away from it.
79. A hand-job in the water at Jones beach, will it work? You've got cold water keeping the man down, plus movement is restricted, but then again, Long Islanders have been defying the odds forever!
80. Only on Long Island would somebody pay $445,000 for a piece of shit house that just had its siding redone.
81. "My dad hates Newsday because of (insert perceived bias here)," plus why is Part 2 all about old people now?
82. You grab the Long Island Press when you see it because it's free, but it always just ends up sitting on the floor of your car and getting all dirty and crinkled.
83. You will go with your friends to Roosevelt field, but only because you want to get the free samples at that Japanese place in the Zeppelin.
84. You would waste your money on a bumper sticker that says, "Montauk - the End"
85. There were some awesome playgrounds, like that wooden one in Long Beach, but in the past few years you have noticed that they have totally pussified them.

    *- Sent in by a reader
    #18,27-Andrew Wachtel
    #43 - According to a friend
    #59 - not sent in, but inspired by cousin Brian
    #72 - Brian Brock
    # 73,74 - sent in by Kevin Harrison
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