About four weeks prior to that date I found a lump under my arm. Before I called my doctor I looked on the internet to see if it was something worth calling him about. In a few minutes I knew it was something serious. I narrowed it down to Hodgkins disease, non Hodgkins Lymphoma and metastatic melanoma. (I had a melanoma removed from my back last year) I knew it wasn't breast cancer. The one I preferred was Hodgkins. The one I got was melanoma.
I prefer to think of it all as an inconvenience. Although I'm over the hill according to a large part of the population I'm still young enough to feel immortal -- should I choose to be immortal that is.
I say that because I believe that we have a great deal of choice in the length and quality of our lives. People who live a life full of interest, curiosity and mutual respect for the people around them live a long time despite poor diet, smoking, drinking, dangerous work, poverty and adversity. People who are consumed with anger, greed, fear and -- maybe most important -- boredom, die younger and in poorer general health.
I think I was standing on a fence before the surgery. I have a wonderful family including a mom, three kids, eight grandkids, a sister and even a reasonably nice ex husband. I have a huge list of interests, an almost universal curiosity and a generally happy outlook.
On the other hand, I have been coping with a great deal of pain for several years, take a lot of prescription medicine and can't get a clear diagnosis that would allow me to recieve disability payments. I finally had to quit work in April of this year and right now I'm living on food stamps and $130 a month GR. I have free services at one of the ten best medical centers in the country (The University of Virginia) because of my financial situation so medical care is the least of my worries, but I can't see much light at the end of the tunnel.
My family and ex husband have all kicked in and helped me keep my utilities on and I'm working on getting an HUD loan so I can keep my house. I'm also appealing the denial of Social Security disability benefits. I'm certainly in no danger of starving. I have enough weight on me to last quite a while even if I ran out of food today.
So, all in all, my life has been neutral. I know that I am loved by many people and I'm liked and respected by most who know me. I thoroughly enjoy the internet where I can get access to nearly any information I can imagine that I want. I'm still mobile enough to take care of my own basic needs and I can still do my own shopping -- but I was so tired.
The surgery to remove the affected lymph node and a few others went flawlessly. My older daughter went with me and kept me laughing from the time she picked me up at home until they wheeled me off to the operating room. I kept making smart-ass remarks right up until the anesthesia took effect and woke up in the same frame of mind. I was drinking water in an hour, eating in two and walking off to the smoking lounge in three.
I can only conclude from that that there is a good reason for me to stay. I had decided that I would look around while under anesthesia and see what was ahead for me and if I didn't like it, I would not come back. Since I'm here, I have to assume that I thought it was worthwhile to stick around.
So, what's next? That book I've been threatening to write? Volunteering at a hospital? Winning the lottery and traveling the world with my grandkids in tow? (one or two at a time of course) Or will it just be more of the same -- an opportunity to hone my character by behaving well under stress? I don't think I really care what it is. I think I only care how I live it.
With humor and grace, I hope. If not, then I will have served as a bad example and will have at least been useful in that way.
I have a lot of reasons to stick around. I want to see what happens to the world. We're fast approaching a crisis that I believe we are capable of resolving to the benefit of all people and that we are equally capable of accelerating to disaster. I want to see where the computer goes. I want to see how we cope with global warming and the loss of large portions of arctic and antarctic ice. I want to know what is under the antarctic ice. I want to be around to see the first extraterrestrial to walk openly among us. I want to live, strong and healthy, for at least 100 years.
What I don't want is to linger and waste away while my family and friends suffer more than I do. Nothing breaks my heart worse than seeing a weak and helpless person or animal and I don't want to inflict my own wasting on others. I want to leave cleanly or live hearty.
Who knows what I chose. Since I didn't leave it is easy to assume that life is going to get better but that isn't necessarily so. I decided to stay though, so whatever happens, it is my choice and my adventure. I hope I do it well.