Financial Daily from THE HINDU group of publications

Thursday, November 19, 1998

Following Instructions

Date: 19-11-1998 :: Pg: 14 :: Col: h

IT HAS always been a big problem for me. How to close that inland envelope? The instructions direct me to fold on the dotted line, apply a little moisture and press to make the loose ends adhere to each other. The only thing is that such maneuvres do not work. The pre-gummed strip does not seem to understand its responsibility.

If closing is difficult, opening is even more complex. You are supposed to cut open three flaps that have been somehow sealed by your correspondent. It cannot be done by simple tearing across, so you use the scissors. And lo! you have now six pieces of what used to be one inland envelope. You sit down to solve the jigsaw puzzle in order to restore the original shape, but unfortunately there are no instructions nor clues! At this point, I give up and telephone the friend.

Everything in life is not as complicated as the inland envelope. For example, there is a chain. The instruction says -- To stop train pull chain. A simple statement and a precise one at that. We understand it clearly. Above all, it works. Why cannot things be as simple straight forward as that?

Specially packed for the Concordian Airlines -- said the info on the top of a small container of pickles. It came with the dinner. I like pickles. I like pickles with chappatis. I like pickles with bread. I like it with anything. There is only one problem. I do not know how to open this special packing. You first locate the loose flap that says -- Start Here. Instead of peeling off, it cuts into two pieces. So you try at another end. The number of pieces multiply at an astonishing rate, yet the container is yet to reveal the pickles. Finally what do you do? Pierce with a fork. That spills some oil on the shirt, but the risk is worth!

The prize, however, must go to the shampoo or ketchup sachets, which seem to be made of the toughest nylon or plastic. They slip from the fingers when you try to pry them open. It appears that they need a band saw or an axe to cut them open. I suspect everybody gives up.

As I walk along the bus shelter, I perceive an auto approaching from the other side. I do not want to be in his general direction of progress, so I edge to my left. He swerves to my left. I move to the right. He applies a midcourse correction and moves to the right too. After three such iterations, I give up and stop moving. Surprisingly, the auto also stops right in front of me. That is his method of seducing me to engage his three-wheeled contraption, early in the morning when he can not get any other business. Yes, he is the same fellow who refused, with dripping arrogance, to ply anywhere in the direction you wanted to go, last evening during the busy hour!

You ought to learn how to handle him. If you can make an auto driver behave, it means you can close an inland envelope. You can open the same without having to call for the doctor. You can open an achar packet or the shampoo sachet. You are, in short, great and deserve to be decorated.

tinmoorthy

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