27 September, 2005
i knew it would happen. i knew it. y didnt i stop? sigh. i am dissappointed. highly. i feel so frustrated. i wish i wasnt so angry with myself. i wish a lot of things. sum ppl say this is my low self esteem talking, but its not. its SO not. this is healthy, logical reasoning. unless there was a miracle, or unless they become deaf, blind, and lose their sense of touch, there is no way. i wonder y i didnt stop myself. there couldnt have been a good ending frm it. it didnt help me any. it wasnt healthy for my mental state. and ppl wonder y i depend solely on an act. a facade. because if ppl saw what i truly thot, what safety would there be for me? one thing i am glad of... im glad i didnt say anything. i am truly a stupid butt. if i could cry over trivial things, i would, but i cant. this is too trivial even to be worth mentioning. ugh. i am sick of myself.
12 August, 2005
well, suffice it to say, it has been a long time. lol. i decided to post sumthin less depressing here.. for the sake of it. theres actually nothing much to say. XD i jus realized that its too sad here. mehkeh. yes.. too sad.. hmm.. haha.. but.. i hav nuthin to say.. i updated my wishlist xD and i hav reincorporated my obsession for manga.. XD haha.. joy? yes.. haha. hm.. on a more serious note, today i was at the library looking for a book (duh?) when i see this dude watching me. at first i think "wth? AHH! what if its gonna be the SF stalker version 2.0?!?!" of course.. i dont think much of it since he wasnt doin anything.. jus reading.. so then i walk up to the second floor (im at sl main) n i look down into the big hole ( where u can see a part of the 1st floor) n there he is... watching me.. it was freaky x__x he was standing as if he was goin to follow me.. it was.. dude. so then im like.. wth.. *hides in the classic lit section.. cuz.. who the hell goes there?!?! XD ahah.. but then.. sum minutes later.. the guys there!! n im like.. too scared to move.. cuz.. iono.. what if it wa slal jus one big happy coincidence.. but its not.. the guy is like.. standing rite nxt to me... pretending to look at Les Mis.. the unabridged version! ok.. so then.. im weirded out.. n i try to walk away.. *try*.. but then.. as im ALMOST out of the aisle, the guy goes, "hey" n im like.. NOOO WTC!! so i turn around n go "hey >> <<" sigh.. turns out the guy thot that my messenger bag was cool... and wanted to kno where i got it.. dear god... scared the freakin crap out of me.. so i thanked him and told him wher eit came frm.. so then i was gonna walk off.. n the guys like.. still following me.. so im thinkin "ok.. either this guy is obsessed wit my bag.. hes psycho and obsessed wit my bag.. or hes psycho and obsessed wit... ME!" so it is now that im starting to want to speak up.. but.. knoing myself.. im not the type to yell n run.. so im in line to check out.. n hes rite there.. n i mlike.. do u need sumthin? n hes like.. no.. n im like.. y does it seem like ur followingme? n hes like.. >> << ulook like sumone i kno. n im like.. ok.. but i dont kno u.. n hes like. yeh.. i kno.. n im like.. oookkk...... *checks out... *runs for life out the door.. yep.. haha.. hopw i never see that scary boy again..
27 June, 2005
sometimes.. just sometimes.. u kno.. i wonder.. if ppl really kno.. selfishly.. i am considering doing something... i guess u could say drastic.. but of course.. i forget along the course of the day.. cuz my memory is jus very bad.. hmm... ppl make me sad... i think thats the thing.. inadvertantly.. but surely.. they talk about how wonderful their day has been.. abotu how this great thing is happening to them.. about how much stress they go thru... or even.. how depressing it is that someone else has done a wrong to them... its like... the ppl that r happy.. i WANT to be happy for them, i really realllly do.. but.. iono.. i cant feel it.. call me heartless.. i kno i am.. but i jus cant feel happy for them.. and the ppl that feel sad... sometimes.. they tell me.. and when it does.. i cant feel sad FOR them... bcuz i feel that.. sumhow.. its not so bad.. id actually ENVY their situation... its.. weird.. but.. its waht happens.. i really dont kno.. everything ppl do.. it makes me... want to show ppl.. what real sadness is... but then... it comes to me.. they kno what real sadness is.. but.. at the moment.. they dont care.. maybe im talking about myself too much... maybe im talking about depression too much.. maybe i talk about hate of supposed 'loved ones' too much... but in actuality.. i never really think about those things.. i more likely think that.. theres nothin in this place.. thats worth trying to salvage... ppl make me sad... for one reason and one reason only... they disappoint me... the moment that i need them the most is when they disregard me.. the moment i need them to go away.. or maybe to sympathize.. they come and depress me with their happiness.. i mean.. them being happy is okay.. i dont mind that.. in fact.. id encourage it.. but.. dont hang around me.. its not like its HARD to kno when im sad... i practically flaunt it... sigh.. its very hard, though, when ppl dont seem to understand that.. they sometimes try to 'cheer me up'.. and it kills me.. i try to appreciate the good intentions.. and fail horribly.. i feel the urge to bring the happy ppl down.. i fight it.. the want to bring even the depressed ppl down.. to show them that what their going thru is PETTY... INSIGNIFICANT... i dont... but sometimes... jus sometimes.. it cant be helped..
and now? well.. now.. its jus better if im left alone.. someone like me shouldnt be allowed to socialize.. to mingle with normal ppl.. or even to be alive.. ppl like me r a menace to society..
ppl say they they cant take my attitude... well.. at times.. they dont realize it.. but if it werent for them.. i wouldnt HAV a freakin attitude..
... but i digress... bcuz i kno it doesnt make sense..
"nvm, these r horrid times, but i wont let it bother me. take my pain away."
about me:
i am a lonely lonely butt.. lol.. i believe i hav a disorder called avoidance..
alias: Kei, darkglory, etc...
ethnicity: 1/2 taisanese, 1/2 hongkong-nese (aka 100% CHINESE)
religion: Christianity
gender: female
likes: stuff
dislikes: ppl
DOB: c/o o6 (we da roxorz? >>)
personality: ..i suck?
thought of the moment: ppl r too absorbed with themselves to think of others
stupidest quote ever:
"life's a bitch and then u marry one"
^ive bin tryin to search for a quote stupider than this.. but it seems impossible.. v_v
mood:
killed happiness.. *cryin on the inside..
link me:
archives:
May 2005
April 2005
Jan/March 2005
Sept/Oct/Nov 2004
July 2004
June 2004
May 2004
April 2004
March 2004
December 2003
November 2003
October 2003
My wishlist [last updated 8.12.05]
reads:
-blogs:
<o> Mimz
<o> Christy
<o> Hana
<o> Ruki
<o> Sachi
<o> Tina
<o> Kioko
<o> Yuri
<o> Sadi
<o> Peacy
<o> Sarah
-sites:
<o> GAIA!
<o> XANGA
<o> letssingit.com-lyrics and top hits for the american music follower
<o> lyricsstyle.com-has lyrics for greatest hits
<o> Tokyopop :D-lovely for looking up manga
<o> lyricstime.com-nice n complete lyricals (includes utada hikaru o.O)
<o> Fiction Press-Great for ur original fiction needs
<o> Fan Fiction-the name says it all
Music:
-The Killers
-'Molly's Chambers'-Kings of Leon
-'Pain'-Jimmy Eat World
-GreenDay
-'Tender'-Feeder
Movies that I wanna c:
any steven chow movie :P
Chatting thing:
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credits:
Layout made by Ruki as
a gift to Kei-chan. ^^ Image used is found in the giraffe's sleeping quarters. Edited using Photoshop and Dreamweaver.