Hash Report - Feb 3
False trails en route: So the convoy headed off in fine form, at
a slow and
steady pace to ensure no lost souls, at least until we got into
the hills and the lead vehicle took a wrong turn. (The unnamed lead
driver was evidently somewhat lacking in short term memory skills
- it had been nearly an hour since he'd driven back from setting the
trail!) Well the road was pretty narrow and it was difficult to turn
around, so when we started down the correct fork not everybody had
turned around and caught up, and somehow half the convoy got lost.
However, after some cellphone abuse and scouring of back roads for
lost vehicles we finally managed to all collect at the starting point
and took to the trail.
The sky was a brilliant blue, and the snowy mountains in the distance
made for a most picturesque backdrop to the green and reddish ridges
over which we clambered. And there wasn't much mud - relatively speaking
that is. Runners started coming in after about an hour and walkers
30 minutes later. As has lately become the norm, a handful of walkers
continued to wander the hills aimlessly late into the afternoon, and
a couple of hashers were dispatched to seek them out - but our record
still stands: we haven't lost one yet!
And did I mention it was getting chilly as the afternoon wore on
- yikes, bloody freezing would be a better description!! Regardless,
we circled up, and despite serious hare disorganization, ascribed
to Friday night alcohol abuse, John and Marinela were awarded 10 points
for their efforts. Marinela stayed on to be christened Durresprudence
(figure it out yourselves) and then a batch of new virgins introduced
themselves, including an Italian woman with a penchant for dogs and
men in uniform. This week's miscreants included Boring Mr Plod for
producing 2 grandchildren, a retired Austrian official for using ski
poles on trail, Two Bees for assorted loudmouth comments, Bjorn for
surreptitious stripping, Axel for paying particular attention to Lisa's
butt, and Lisa for not responding in kind. Then there was a temporary
power grab as Shrivelled assigned the Hashmaster twenty pushups for
his involvement in the lost convoy fiasco. To no one's surprise Alkasleazer
performed these effortlessly and in record time!
And then it was mish on the BBQ (would that be grilled mad cow?),
bread and bananas. Unfortunately, there wasn't quite enough
meat to go round. We are simply too popular these days; so future
hares please remember to ensure enough beer & food for seventy.
Too much food is never a problem, but too little can prove very disappointing,
particularly for those tardy trail doddlers.
Hash Report - Feb 10 - Velvet Handcuffs' Dirty Weekend at Lake
Forty odd Hashers travelled the
roads of Albania, Kosovo and Macedonia to assemble at the fabled Palace
Hotel for this once in a lifetime event! The trail took us along
through urban landscape, then on to the old town square, (where everybody
missed the check beneath the plane tree) and up the cobbled streets
of Varos, the historical heart of the city. After passing St. Clement's
monastery and the Roman amphitheatre, it was on up to the fortress
where we caught our breath, clambered the walls and hung out until
the stragglers caught up. (This would be a Hash Hold, somewhat of
a foreign concept to hardy Tirana Hashers, but apparently a ploy oft
used by our wimpy Pristina friends.) We then headed down forested
trails to the lake for a Hash Hold/Raki Break and group pictures at
the church of St John the Theologian. Then it was coastal trail, a
fishing outpost, back into the old town, down to the church of St
Sofia and on-in to the lakeside behind the Palace. Throughout the
route Shrivelled continued to prove his inability to run and think
at the same time by blasting through each check in whatever direction
he assumed was correct. To everyone's continuous dismay, however,
he eventually figured out he was off trail, beat it back to the check,
and was soon in the lead again. Not that the Hash is a race,
The water's fine!!! - So the combined forces of
Tirana and Pristina circled up for what turned into a marathon of
bad behaviour. Can Hashers assemble at lakeside without resisting
the infantile urge to throw each other in - not likely! Shrivelled
was first, for being a birthday boy, and before the end of the afternoon
several other soaked specimens were hanging about, including Short
Sucker for abusing the Hashmaster, and then the Hashmaster himself
for his deadly Xmas Hash chili. (I sure wish that fiasco could simply
be forgotten!) Aussie Bill pushed the limits of the bizarre
by wordlessly abandoning the circle for a determined walk out
into the lake, emerging from the deep, Godzilla-like, some ten minutes
later and rejoining the circle as if nothing had happened!!
Kristen's fractious Albanian mambo class expulsion finally caught
up with her and she was christened Dirty Dancing; due to a lack of
eggs we had to settle for Macedonian yoghurt, and I must say that
her hair looked particularly fetching that evening! There were some
new shoes' downdowns, and a number of sinners with brilliant defences
were proven guilty by Zoomzoom's photographic evidence; this was confirmed
by Durresprudence, TH3's resident legal council. Zoomzoom also presented
Alkasleazer with his very own horse thingy - a momentous honour indeed!
Shrivelled gave us a hearty rendition of Beastiality's Great, and
then to ensure that the Pristana Hash would not be outdone, Frankenstein
carried on with Father Abraham and the Hash Hymn. Then it was pastries
and bananas, followed by hot showers and, for some, sleepy time, in
anticipation of the evening's frolics.
Lost and Found: Shirts, shorts, glasses, cameras, and even Velvet's
handcuffs were left lying about by absent minded hashers. Of greater
import though was Short Sucker's inability to hold on to her passport.
Fortunately for her the ever responsible Hashmaster was on hand to
ensure it's safety, and although deep down inside she was likely most
grateful for his personal intervention, much of the remainder of her
weekend appeared to be spent scheming against him.
Wine & Dine: What with our very own five piece band and
Frequent Flyer and her white hanky at the charge, dinner & dancing
proved a great success; much thanks to Ghost Mistress' organizational
skills and catering past. And then of course there was the Velvet
Handcuffs tabletop underwear experience... Eventually hardcore hashers
drifted over to Club Paradiso for more dancing, carousing and assordid
other bad behaviour which is likely best not described here!!!
Sunday morning was a little slow all around, and as the Pristina Hare
didn't show up to set the Hangover Hash as promised, the stalwarts
went for a freeform run, while most of the others were out sightseeing,
buying bootleg CDs, scoffing burgers, nursing hangovers or trying
to deal with the results of their previous evening's embarrassments!
Hash Report - Feb 17
Although Beepbeep didn't show up to hare as promised (he's blaming
the bureaucrats), Sophisticated Lady, his most capable stand in, took
one of his favourite haunts, Lundra valley. After Lisa finally
doing her hair, walkers and runners were able to set out down the
cow path, then forded streams, visited Spank Me Hard's adopted village,
negotiated rocky ridges, strolled through vineyards and rolling hills,
and all and all enjoyed a most pleasurable Saturday expedition under
brilliant blue skies. And breaking with recent tradition, everyone
was back at the olive grove in reasonable time, including Spank Me
Hard who managed a visit to his foster kids en route.
As Patrick and his buddies had trouble with the concept of a circle
enjoyed the first downdowns (with 3 kinds of beer - this is getting
one classy Hash!), and gave us a report on the MAPE Hash that wasn't
the previous Saturday in Tirana. Sophisticated Lady was awarded
nine for her trail. Virgins were welcomed with the usual enthusiasm
and probing personal questions. Shrivelled & Short Sucker announced
their imminent elopement. Premature took over the circle to
christen Richard "Major Fossil" (with a liberal dosing of ketchup
- yukkk!) on account of his unbridled enthusiasm for rutting around
in search of dirty artefacts. Although Christian the Condom Guy wasn't
present, he had sent out a Saturday night party invitation for "nice
hashers, not the ones who complain all the time".
Fortunately, as none of the latter were present, the Hashmaster didn't
have to resort to his diplomatic skills and everyone was invited.
Then it was vegetarian sandwiches (with a mustard and ketchup option!!)
and chocolate chip cookies for all, and more than enough to go round!
Hash Report - Feb 24
So Bovilla proved to be equally as wet as the original
outing last July,
when we heard reports of spectacular scenery and torrential rain.
Although the Hashmaster was not on hand due to a pressing R&R
engagement, a number of interesting items have been reported to him:
1)Despite setting the trail and performing a raindance to appease
the gods, Entella didn't show up for her own hash - on account of
2)An unidentified hasher of the female persuasion complained
that the tough
trail was a macho thing; so much for Foreplay's sensitive new age
3)In A Bod cancelled the circle because it was too rainy,
commandeered a vehicle home before all the hashers made it back in
- shame on her.
4) Aussie Bill didn't get named - again!
One Hasher writes: The hash course was set in an adventuresome environment.
This was in a gorge just north of Tirana up a muddy access road for
some 17 kilometers. The gorge contains a large hydroelectric
facility and dam, with a large body of water behind it called Lake
Bovilla. The dam is at the top of a pass where the gorge cuts
through the mountain face, and on both sides large knife edge ridge
formations jut upwards to the north and south. Once through
the gorge, the road - if one is allowed in this case to use such an
expression - switchbacks like an old mining trail up the side of one
set of mountains containing the reservoir, ending in a village cut
high in the sides of the mountains with a series of terraced vineyards
and olive groves.
The day of the hash was very cold, and the course led
straight down a series of goat paths through a couple of peasants'
back yards to the lake shore some 400 meters below. In then
'meandered' along the steep lakesides and up a series of contours
back to the road. Once the road was attained, the course led
a mere seven kilometer jog down to the dam and then back up a set
of switch backed trails; and it was guaranteed to make everyone who
showed up on this rather rugged day a bit peeked. Refreshingly ample
rain showers and high winds which blew in during the final uphill
portion of the run, adding to the general effect.
As the rain finally stopped by the concluding portion,
everybody stood around in the
cold and drank many cans of beer while waiting for a few lost hikers
dribble in as the sun set in this mist enshrouded mountain environment.
was good that all of the drivers had ample refreshment, as the road
back to Tirana down this gorge lent to meaning to the combination
of drinking and driving.
And another Hasher adds: Afterwards there was a steady flow of drowned
running and walking rats. Most seemed to enjoy the scenery, and there
even a few, Ghost Mistress included, who liked the weather. (Some
are completely nuts). Hash Cash proposed that because of the weather
we should forego the traditional Circle. Boring Mr.Plod and Shrivelled
made half-hearted objections but were outvoted by the majority of
very wet and cold Hashers. Linda provided the rolls. (They really
were good and fresh).
Linda was still out on the trail with three others,
30 minutes after the
last ones had arrived home, and wasn't there to reap the rewards of
her efforts. Bob, Giovanni and I had to go back along the route to
The trail had certainly changed since the morning. The rain had made
steep muddy paths treacherous. It was no wonder they were so far behind.
The longer they were out there, the worse it had become. Anyway, everyone
arrived back safely eventually. The 70 salad and ham rolls and sticky
buns were enjoyed by the 35 Hashers that had turned up. The virgin
half-pint tankards, donated to the Hash for previous sins committed
by MAPE, can wait to next week too, as well as the Hash Song sheet,
which wasn't used because of the lack of a Circle. A lot of effort
was spoilt by the weather.