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BANILLA

A middle-aged woman took her 3 year old granddaughter called Patty out for ice cream.
She asked Patty what she wanted.
Patty said, "I want banilla!"
The woman said, "Honey, it's *V*anilla. V not B."
Patty tried saying it again but it came out VaBanilla.
After some coaxing Patty finally said, "Vvvvvvanilla."
The woman said, "Yes! Now, tell me again what kind of ice cream you want!"
Patty said, "I think I want chocolate."

JIMMY

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him,
"How do you expect to get into heaven?"
The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until
St. Peter says, "For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out."

ARITHMATIC

Fourth-grader, Phillip, was an "A" student in arithmetic,
but he was the worst speller in the class.
The teacher had him at the blackboard one day, trying to teach him to spell.
He was really having difficulty with a word when one of his
classmates blurted out, "Add an 'e', Phillip"
Frustrated, Phillip said, "I'm not adding... I'm spelling."

WHY PARENTS HAVE GRAY HAIR!
Submitted by Pat Leavitt .. In Massachusetts

The boss of a big company called his employees about an urgent problem
with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling inconvenienced at having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes", whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "no!"
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone,
the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "a policeman".
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked
"May I speak with the policeman"?
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?", asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.
Very concerned and worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through
the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed and frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"?
Still whispering, the young voice replied in a muffled giggle: "ME"

YUCK !! SPINACH

A mother was trying to get her son to eat spinach (which he hated).
He absolutely refused to eat it!
So, thinking she would substitute another green vegetable that was
just as nutritious, she served her son asparagus.
When her son looked at his plate, he gasped in fright "Oh, no, spinach legs!"

THUNDERSTORM

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking
her small boy into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."
A long silence was broken at last by his shaking little voice: "The big sissy."

SHE PINCHED ME

Shirley was racing around the porch with the neighbor's son close at her heels.
"Why are you chasing her?" Shirley's father asked.
"She pinched me," he replied.
Father turned to Shirley, "Why did you pinch him?"
Blushing, she whispered, "So he would chase me."

FERTILIZER

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called,
"What've you got in your truck?"
"Fertilizer," the farmer replied.
"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.
"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.
"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him.
"We put sugar and cream on ours."

A QUARTERS WORTH, PLEASE !!

Timmy wanders into a pet store and asks for a quarter's worth of bird seed.
The clerk smiles at this strange request and asks, "How many birds do you have?"
Timmy replies, "None, yet. But I hope to grow some!"

DON'T WORRY LORD!!

Jason was overheard praying: "Lord, if You can't make me a better boy,
don't worry about it. I'm having a real good time like I am.

THE SEAGULL

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.
"He died and went to Heaven," the dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said, "Did God throw him back down?"

AFTER CHURCH SERVICE

After the church service a little boy told the pastor,
"When I grow up, I'm going to give you some money."
"Well, thank you," the pastor replied, "but why?"
"Because my daddy says you're one of the poorest preachers we've ever had."

DINNER BLESSING

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
"Would you like to say the blessing?"
"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.
"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did
I invite all these people to dinner?"

SOLO PRAYER

A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother.
Then one night the child was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. Amen."

FAMILY BIBLE

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination,
and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely.
It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Momma, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"

WIRED FOR SOUND

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike and as he preached,
he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went.
Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping
before jerking it again.
After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

SHHHH!!!

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church.
Joel giggled, sang and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said,
"See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."

THE FLEA

A father was reading Bible stories to his young son.
He read, "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city,
but his wife looked back and was turned to salt."
His son asked, "What happened to the flea?"

THE KITTENS

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There were 2 boy kittens and 2 girl kittens."
How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I think it's printed on the bottom."

Puppies for Sale
Sent to me by: Herb Raferty

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising
the pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard.
As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls.
He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."
"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck,
"these puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."
The boy dropped his head for a moment.
Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change
and held it up to the farmer.
"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"
"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle,
"Here, Dolly!" he called. Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly
followed by four little balls of fur.
The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.
As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else
stirring inside the doghouse.
Slowly another little ball appeared; this one noticeably smaller.
Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner the little pup
began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up....
"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt.
The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy.
He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up
one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down
both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe.
Looking back up at the farmer, he said,
"You see sir, I don't run too well myself,
and he will need someone who understands."

WRONG FEET??

Another three-year-old put his shoes on by himself.
His mother noticed that the left shoe was on the right foot.
She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."
He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
"Don't kid me, Mom. They're the only feet I got!."

TWO FINGERS

On the first day of school, about midmorning, the kindergarten teacher said,
"If anyone has to go to the bathroom, hold up two fingers."
A little voice from the back of the room asked, "How will that help?"

ANIMAL CRACKERS

A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and began putting away the groceries.
The boy opened the box of animal crackers and spread them all over the table.
"What are you doing?" his mother asked.
"The box says not to eat them if the seal is broken," the boy explained.
"I'm looking for the seal."

Kids Say is continued on next Page.

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