The French have got the Palace of Versailles; the Germans have got Mozart and Beethoven; the Russians have got Tolstoy; the British have got Boy George; and the Americans have got television. OK, all you intellectuals out there, stop giving yourself an excuse for your innate unattractiveness to the opposite sex and put down that book. It's time to talk American TV.
(Before we start, I would like to apologise to the nationality I so senselessly slander in that opening paragraph, dismissing their whole culture in one schoolboy throw away line; of course the Russians have Chekhov as well.)
Here are the reasons why American TV is good:
1) It confirms what we hate about Americans: Roseanne; Brenda and Brandon; Superman; Cosby. Fat; spoilt; arrogant; insincere.
2) It confirms what we like about Americans: Roseanne; Brenda and Brandon; Superman; Cosby. Funny; attractive; powerful; humane.
3) Can I just say that I only put in 2) because I workshopped it with the American marketing consultant TISM is using now we've got into the top ten, and Mandy - that's her name - says it was a bit harsh for the US market. I mean she's the expert, and if the product - that's what she calls art - isn't gonna deliver the target audience, well you might as well sit in a room by yourself and write novels all day, like Dostoyevsky did. And how many sponsorships did he get?
4) It produced the TV mini-series, "The Brothers Karamazov", sponsored by Nike. Here's some of the script:
IVAN: I must make one confession. I could never understand how one can love one's neighbour. It's just one's neighbours, to my mind, that one can't love. Great cross trainers, Alyosha.
ALYOSHA: The face of many hinders many people not practiced in love, from loving him. But yet there's a great deal of love in mankind. Yes, with them I can now slam.
IVAN: To my thinking, Christ-like love for men is a miracle impossible on earth. Way to go.
ALYOSHA: Love man. Love your brother. Love God. Just do it.
5) On American TV we saw Ronald Reagan get shot.
6) Tom Hanks is a wanker. (Not really about American TV, but hard to argue with.)
7) We should support American TV because it is currently under attack by the American justice system. The OJ Simpson trial is showing us how rapidly questions of guilt and innocence can be decided not by TV networks, but by secret sinister institutions like juries and judges. Never before have we witnessed so obviously the arrogant disregard those in the legal system have for the needs of television networks.
This reached a peak when live broadcasting of the trial was threatened by the judge, without even consulting the programming director and the major sponsors!
Thank God OJ's fate is still in the hands of television executives; but for how much longer, if those who support the legal process are ever allowed to have their way?
Let's make sure this insidious American trend of deciding on a person's guilt or innocence in something as important as a murder trial through such a heavy reliance on legal principles is never copied in our country.
8) If imitation is the greatest form of flattery, then American TV is continually paying a great compliment to our own home grown Aussie industry. I'm proud to be Australian when I see American networks directly copying shows like 60 Minutes, and The Late Show and The Price Is Right.
Why, it's great that in a country as small as Australia we can still shove it up those Americans by them having to come over here and rip off so much of our viciously independent TV networks. Well done, Aussie! Yo, brothers, let me tell you what time it is. Stop dissin' me, brother, coz one more American racks any more Australian culture, and we're gonna waste 'em. High fives to all you independent Australian-thinker type dudes out there.
[Sound FX: Rapturous applause. Roll credits. More applause. All on screen wave to audience. Stand to attention for playing of Star Spangled Banner.
Voice Over: That's all from TISM's Reasons to Like American TV. Tune in next week for all the reasons why TISM think Islamic fundamentalism should be the favourite religion of gays and women. Untill then you can call Allah on the Net: http://www.allahdestroysallinfidels.cut/off/your/hands.@cock. This is Salman Rushdie speaking.]
