humphrey b. flaubert informs nick snelling that earthcore has no idea what it’s in for.
“Earthcore is supposed to be a celebration of lifestyle and music.” There is a sardonic pause at the other end of the phone. “So why they decided to bring along the Anti-Christ, I don’t know. There’s obviously been some typographical error when they consulted a search engine sometime. Clearly they were after DJ Shadow, but they’ve ended up with us.”
Humphrey B. Flaubert, sinister mouthpiece for the notoriously masked electro-rock outfit TISM, is curiously enthusiastic about his band’s inclusion on the bill of Australia’s biggest doof party, Earthcore. Curious indeed, considering TISM have always hated hippies.
“One shouldn’t be so specific. TISM don’t just hate hippies. Our hatred is for all people, and I’ve gone on record saying that all white Australians should be horded into concentration camps. We’re going to find it hilarious – when all these Earthcore folks have dropped their Draino-mixed-with-assorted-stimulants, it’s kicked in, they have no idea where their campsite is anymore, and their starting to piss their pants; that’s when we’ll come onstage.
They’ll think they’re hallucinating, but they won’t be. A lot of people will wake up the next morning, and think, ‘wow, that was a really bad trip – there were all these masked nine-foot guys dancing around in homo-erotic fashion with slight pot-bellies and a general sense of bitterness’.”
Does the irony escape TISM that many people there may very well be on the drug that killed River Phoenix?
“I wish, but I doubt anyone there will be on anything quite so pure. I’m sure Earthcore’s probably going to be one giant placebo. The main drug, if anything, will be, errr, ummm, oh, what’s that new trendy drug going around at the moment?” He browses his memory for a moment. “Oh, yes – Despondency. They’ll all on be on that.”
Strangely, there was no mention in the recent Earthcore presser that TISM will be taking any pro-active role in the Australian Drug Foundation’s proposed testing of the chemical ingredients of volunteer party-goer’s pills. Flaubert remains nonplussed. “No, we’re more interested in Draino and other non-biodegradable detergents, rather than your dime-a-dozen horse-tranquilizer,” he remarks dismissively. “We’ll be rolling some cigarettes up with that in them, and passing them out. Then we’ll be hoping to move out amongst the crowd, pick up some beautiful flowerchild girl, and take her back to snort some Tarzan’s Grip.”
With TISM’s live reputation for pyrotechnic abandon, multiple costume changes and indecent exposure, Flaubert assures potential Earthcore revellers not to expect anything special from the band this time around.
“TISM have always inhabited that nether-world of stodgy rock and flimsy disco. Normally when we play festivals, we play at the end of a bunch of turgid engorged retro-rock bands. This time we’re playing amongst some really cool DJ’s – so compared to them – we’ll seem like Ted Nugent.”
As with all interviews, it was important to make gratuitous mention of the band’s latest release. Flaubert says the creative experience of releasing the latest TISM opus, The White Albun, was marred only by such an obvious typo in the title.
“Yes, you just can’t get good help these days.” He says, in disgust. “I mean, the name of our band isn’t even meant to be TISM. We are, in fact, called Jet.”
Given the title of the last single (I Rooted A Girl Who Rooted A Guy Who Rooted A Girl Who Rooted A Guy Who Rooted A Girl Who Rooted Shane Crawford), has the athlete ever expressed frustration via a formal press release that he can’t punch TISM out one drunken night at the Star Bar, simply because he just doesn’t know what the band look like?
“No. Shane Crawford is a very modern, metrosexual man. He was well aware of the marketing possibilities, and he wants to extend his career after his inevitable demise as a footballer. Realistically, he probably realised that nobody gave a fuck about TISM.”
How then, does TISM propose to crack the illusive American market with song titles that make obscure reference to fading Australian footballers?
“Suffice to say, the track off our first album, entitled Kill Americans, probably put an end to that dream. But really, we’re not interested in cracking the American market. TISM are more interested in cracking the Albury-Wodonga market. That’s the long-term ambition.”
For a band well-known for its musical snobbery, pursuit of high art, and discography of ground-breakingly original material, it is surprising to learn that TISM are so philosophical about the subject of Australian Idol.
“I think it’s tremendous. Australian Idol gives every jerk-off that’s sitting at home the erroneous impression that they can be a star. It hoodwinks the greater part of the Australian population that their life isn’t planned out, and they are not victims of their birth, and that they have some hope of achieving happiness in life. It’s only later that all these aspirations come crashing down.
Disappointment and abject rejection are two of the most important emotions you should feel. For example, there’s a huge creative wellspring from having a 13-year-old pimply girl reject your advances at the Springvale ‘Learn-To-Dance’ club. It was vitally informative to me. The world is fucked. That’s what I like about Australian Idol – it cruelly makes us believe for a short time, it is not.”
The conversation detours to other, less celebrated, masked musical avengers. Given that KISS arguably reached their creative peak, during the ‘Unmasked’ years, does Flaubert think that TISM could ever conceivably peel off the lyrca for an albun or two?
“There would be no reason for TISM to ever unmask. When KISS unmasked, it was kind of interesting. There was a certain element of shock that this band that looked, sounded and acted like a bunch of dumb New York wog guys with hairy chests, were in fact, a bunch of dumb, New York wog guys with hairy chests. With TISM, there’s no shock value. We are the most unnoticeable guys you could possible ever not notice. It’s not that I’m ugly or anything, I’m just not interesting. The only interesting thing about us is the masks. I might add, let me go on record as saying that KISS were crap, are crap, and always will be crap. Also, this concept of KISS becoming ‘post-modernly’ accepted is crap. TISM have more in common with Delta Goodrem than we do with KISS. Furthermore, anyone who makes the comparison with TISM and KISS, should have red hot bamboo shoots stuck under their fingernails, and then be buried alive in concrete under the house of well-known Melbourne promoter, Frank Stivala.”
Flaubert is as hard-hitting in his advice for the plethora of potential TISM tribute cover bands that must, inevitably, arise in the coming years.
“I would say it’s a very poor career move. If you’re in a band to get head-jobs, then all you could hope for in a TISM tribute band is a lot of spotty intellectual boys coming backstage.”
Flaubert is hearty in his endorsement of another masked, jumpsuited band about to grace Australia’s gilded shores, Slipknot, especially considering they share the TISM-esque motto that ‘People = Shit’.
“Yes, indeed. You know, I hate Slipknot. I think Slipknot are so puerile they make us look like Michaela Jackson. We are the wittiest most inoffensive band in the history of rock. Similiar, I suppose, to Slipknot, except that they purport to be very scary, when in fact they’re nothing more than 14-year-old male bedroom masturbation music. TISM’s target demographic, however, is 15-year-old male masturbation music, which is an important distinction to make.”
And what about the imminent Al Quaeda threat?
“We prefer to insult only those people who directly affect us.”
What about Earthcore? All those prancing people in one spot, all that Western Hedonism, all those flashing lights?
“You’re right, there’s a lot to be gained from detonating a terrorist car bomb at Earthcore.” Flaubert seems energized by the concept. “If only, because most of the people blissfully e-ing out up the front of the stage have parents so fucking rich that they’ve never had to care about a thing in their lives. So, hypothetically, if you could kill the sons and daughters of a whole bunch of rich people, yeah, that would make a decent political statement. The people who’ve had to struggle or work during their childhood won’t be there. They all actually have priorities in life – like trying to make sense of the shit from which they’ve come. Meanwhile, those fuckwits up the front at Earthcore, off their heads on chemicals, may claim to be reckless, adventurous and devil-may-care, but in fact they all have trust accounts.”
At that point, as somewhere a series of ASIO flags go up, the shrill tones of the Telstra Conference harridan inform us that the interview must come to an end. Flaubert, ever the consummate professional, ignores the nasal interruptions of our third party, and takes the remaining seconds to further invigorate his Earthcore audience.
“I’d like to say to all the girls who venture near the front of stage at Earthcore, don’t be frightened by what you see. The overt homo-eroticism. The disturbing layers of socio-political right-wing imagery. The music. TISM are, in fact, sensitive guys. We propose all the good-looking girls upfront join us backstage after the show. We will be conducting a seminar on the objectification of women in popular culture. That will run for approximately ½ hour. And then we’ll be doing double-anal.”
Catch TISM perverting the minds of the innocent at Earthcore Festival, this Friday November 26-Sunday November 28. The White Albun is out now thru AV Channel.
