The TISM boys are back and we thought it was time to find out all there is to know about the band - The A to Z of TISM (uncut version). Warning: parts of this interview may offend some readers!

A

Steph: ARIA awards
Ron: Are we gonna do 26 letters?
S: We'll just go until you want.
R: No that was my answer. Are we gonna do 26 letters? Right, what's B?

B

S: Buzzwords
R: Answer is S E E C A. C?

C

S: Connoisseurs edition
R: C B. Ok that is spelt C dot B dot. Onto D.

D

S: De Rigueurmortis
R: All of the above.

E

S: Extended 2 year break.
Humphrey: You've done some research.
S: Oh yeah, I know what I'm doing!
H: *laughs* That makes one of us Steph. Alright, extended 2 year break. Due to the fact that we were appearing in a movie called 'Being Frank Vickavich' we were unable to commit to any further recording. That and all of the previous answers are in fact lies. We're peddling lies Steph. Our whole life is a lie.
R: And Steph, can we have a second part to our answer here and that is the great extended breaks in rock. One thinks of Dylan of course with the motorcycle accident where Dylan disappeared from the public view. Michael Jackson - has he not just reappeared with an album after an extended break?
H: And may I point out that Michael Jackson's album was produced in part by a man called Dr. Creze. Now the last time Dr. Creze was around and working was on the Batman show where he had this button which he used to press that would make the frozen parts get closer and closer.
R: Next.

F

S: Fatboy Slimdusty tour
R and H: Ahh
R: You're researched. What's our response to that?
H: Well our response is... Steph, what do you think of DJs?
S: I don't really have an opinion as such.
H: Do you think the DJ is an iconic figure or do you feel that the DJ is just like one of us who happens to be standing on the podium?
S: Definitely one of us.
H: Oh, that's good, good, because we think DJs suck the big fat *laughs*
R: *laughs*
H: Because we're not good looking enough to be one.

G

S: Greg, The Stop Sign
*silence* H: Oh... it's not really appropriate of us to be commenting on previous work. You've touched a very raw nerve in our consciousness. 'Greg, The Stop Sign' was recorded during a period of personal tragedy i.e. one of the members of TISM accidentally had sex with a woman.
R: Full stop!

H

S: Homebake
R: Steph...
H: I'd like to answer that question, get out of here! *laughs* I've just bought a Smeg oven, Steph. Are you aware of the work of Smeg ovens? Now the Smeg oven I believe is designed in Sweden and I'm looking forward to such things as Anzac cookies...
R: You can see where this is going! *laughs*
H: And around about December, I'm going to invite all my friends over.
R: Of course
H: And we're gonna have a good old homebake and ginger bread men will happen and possibly even walnut cake with a hint of carrot.

I

S: If You're Not Famous At Fourteen, You're Finished
R: Can you put hyperlinks in? Can we just have hyperlink here to the Nikki Webster site?
S: I was going to ask you a question about that as well!
H: Go on!

J

S: Not yet, we're on J now. Jesus.
H: Well, I know, not going that well but don't feel bad.
R: *laughs*

K

S: Killing Heidi and other famous young bands.
H: Yes. Well the Johnny Young talent school is responsible for a lot of things that people aren't aware of. For instance Leo Tolstoy was at the Johnny Young Talent School.
R: *laughs*
H: Also Jethro Tull, the famous Berkshire farmer, went to the Johnny Young Talent School.
R: A. J. P. Taylor
H: Ocea Dian
R: Romulus
H: And indeed Job. Now Job was a character in the bible but if you talk to anyone in Scotland, they'll call him Jobe. I like the way they use the phrase Jobe in Scotland. Can we use that for J or have we gone passed J?
R: What a name though, Job. You know...
H: He's the man that gets things done.
R: Job. I wonder. You know when you teach young children the parts of their body? With Job it would have been head Job... hand Job.

K

H: Where are we?
S: We're on K actually
R: Oh right, right. Then our answer is K K
H: Better make it K K K. Carry on, L.

L

S: Lyrics.
R: Well, I think Bjork is the lyricist I admire most. Not for her pretentious pseudo intellectual twaddling which throws together desperate images in a desperate hope that people won't see it's all adolescent rubbish. Bjork talks to the real people in the street. I think Bjork talks directly, and especially to disadvantaged 15 year old boys cause Bjork says to them 'Whatever you can do...' What does Bjork say anyway? What do you think Bjork says Steph? Bjork doesn't say anything does she? I reckon Bjork is Icelandic for jibberish. What do they speak in Iceland?
S: I have no idea.
R: Neither have I.
H: Reykjavik is the capital of Iceland. I wonder if they have Reykjavik bitter?
S: Perhaps they do.
H: Yeh
S: Why not?
H: *laughs* You're asking the questions all the time!
R: Where are we? J K L... M?

M

S: Money
H: Money...
R: See Michael Parisi.

N

S: Nikki Webster
H: Well you need to put a hyperlink to the TISM site.

O

S: Opting to sign to Mushroom Records
H: Mushroom Records... gotta think of the corporate history of Mushroom Records, Steph. Mushroom Records combines the love of music and the altruistic nurturing of talent that is represented by Gudinski and the small, intimate caring nature that is represented by the Murdoch strand. We went to Mushroom Records cause we wanted all that Gudinski and Murdoch could give us.
R: Hey Steph, do you know, you sound a bit like Nikki Webster. Just exactly how old are you Steph?
S: I'm 18.
R: I was about to say, you've got a bit of the Nikki Webster. How have you got this job? Why aren't you at school? You on holidays?
S: I go to uni, but I'm not going today because I can't be bothered.
R: Are you the new girl in the office?
S: No, I'm the editor!
R: I was about to say, how the hell did you get this job, you know?
S: I started the whole shindig.
R: So you started rockus.com.au and you're 18?
S: Yeh
R: Jesus Christ. What's that fella that runs Napster?
S: I dunno, I think he's quite young.
H: Yeh, you are the future of this society Steph.
R: We should be interviewing you Steph.
H: I bet you wear groovy shoes.
S: Sneakers..
H: Yeah, but your choice would have that certain taste about it that would just leave me absolutely gob smacked. I wouldn't have the courage to ask you out if I was 18 Steph.
R: Steph, how many famous people have you interviewed?
S: Quite a few.
R: Who's your most famous person that you as an 18 year old have interviewed?
S: Cruel Sea.
H: Did you discuss with them Heroin?
S: No I did not.
H: Good. I'm glad we got passed H without you asking us about Heroin, cause I've got nothing worthwhile to say about it.

P

S: Well the next one is sort of linked to that. Pop Music.
H: Ok pop music. Yes. Pop music... well pop music reminds me of a chap by the name of Joe Meek who was a very influential producer in the 60's. Unfortunately Joe had paranoid delusions and when he left EMI he was under the misapprehension that they were stealing his ideas, filming him as he left and entered the building. So eventually he took a shotgun and shot his landlady and then himself. He was described as looking like the top of a candle after this. Now that's pop music for you Steph.

Q

S: Qantas.
H: Looking forward to your X one Steph.
S: You'll like X!
H: Is this just for us. You're making this effort Steph?
S: Yeah, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this.
R: Can I just say how glad we are you're not like those girls on the Internet who post pictures of themselves or have live cams so that your pervert older man can log onto the website. At least you're an 18 year old girl out there, living or dying, getting hits or being ignored purely on your talent and your ideas.
S: Why thank you!
H: We're happy that you don't objectify yourself.
S: No way, no way.
H: Let us do that for you.

R

S: This is sort of like O. Record Company.
R: Did you run out of ideas Steph?
S: No, no, I only realised just then.
R: You obviously are a bright young thing. You've got to uni, you've completed secondary school in an obviously successful way to get to uni, you've got the initiative and the talent to be running your own website that gets hundreds of hits a day, and then you come up with a question that is very similar to a question you asked earlier on. Now Steph, you might ask us not to objectify you but if you're gonna live or die by your wits, you're gonna have to know, that you should lift your game.
S: I will.
R: K, next question.
H: Good question though, I liked it. I loved it.

S

S: Secret identities.
H: Yes. Steph, what do you like in a guy?
S: Interesting. Do you want me to be superficial?
H: You can be superficial. There's nothing wrong with being superficial. Unlike the pompous rock fuckwits who are asked what's in their record collections and they just make up the grooviest things they can think of when in fact we all fucking know it's Bon Jovi. You're allowed to be superficial Steph, it's your website Steph.
S: Well yes, if I'm going to be superficial I would say a big thing would be attractiveness, of course.
H: What makes an attractive guy? Do you like muscles or tanned? Long or short hair? A little bit hair under the lower lip?
S: Oh you know, different people. I guess probably short hair is my thing.
H: Short hair is your thing. Have you got a boyfriend Steph?
S: Not at the moment.
R: I'm not surprised because there's not many boys that can put up with a girl who's more intelligent, got more initiative and more successful then them. You know, why is it that men are afraid of young people like you? What is it about a man that he needs to be the Earth around which the female Moon revolves? It's about time men grew up and realised it's young people with the initiative and talent of Steph Edwardes that are the truly attractive ones. Not your fly by night objectified bimbos and all they can do is pander to a man's ego. Is this the Taliban? Do we have to have this complete covering that is Western culture over a girl's true nature? I don't think so Steph, and you're out there fighting that sort of sexist patriarchal dogma.
S: Yes, indeed.
H: Load of rubbish hey? So you gonna go out with us when we come to Perth?
S: Yeah... the tape just ran out.
R: *laughs* Of all the excuses you could have said - my dad won't let me out, I'm too busy - 'The tape just ran out' is the lamest excuse we've ever heard.
S: I'm sorry!

*After a minute or so of the TISM lads giving me shit for being lame, a new tape is inserted and the interview continues!*

T

S: This is a very easy one, and you're gonna be disappointed but I'm very sorry. TISM.
R: *laughs* Steph, what secondary school did you go to?
S: I went to an all girls school in Perth by the name of Mercedes College.
R: Right, and is that a salubrious school?
S: Sort of. They kind of like to say that it is but it's not really.
R: Did you have to wear a uniform?
S: Yes
R: Is it a religious school
S: Yes
R: Sounds catholic. Is Mercedes a catholic thing?
S: Indeed
R: Very interesting Steph. It's all becoming a little bit clearer Steph.
S: No but I was the rebellious one.
H: Oh rubbish, you were head of the debating team.
S: No way! I was very much on the outer.
H: And were you kind of the freaky weird one?
S: No, not the freaky one, but the cool rebellious one.
R and H: Ahh
H: We were cool rebellious guys.
S: It's the way to go
H: And you're at uni now?
S: Yes
R: How did you get onto the FMR publicity list? Did they ring you up or...
H: I was gonna ask that!
R: That's incredible.
H: You've been actually brow beaten into an interviewing a shitty little band like TISM.
R: Steph, we've got a publicity guide here. Now let me read you some of the other media organizations. The Daily Telegraph - the biggest selling newspaper in Sydney, 92.9FM - sort of like the commercial FM station in Perth. We've got the Adelaide Advertiser coming up, the Sunday Mail, the Geelong Advertiser, The West Australian, 96FM... so these are major media organizations and Steph Edwardes is on that list - 3pm - rockus.com.au. How did you manage to get on equal footing with those other organisations?
S: A lot of begging!
R: Mercedes College must be so proud. Are you gonna go to the school reunion this year and go 'Stuff you all, you thought I was a rebel but now I'm successful cause I'm running rockus.com.au'?
S: Hell yes
R: You should put a hyperlink to the Mercedes College website.
H: Be careful though Steph. When you go back to the reunion... Janice Joplin went back to her school reunion in Texas and she tried to go back and say to them 'I've gone to San Francisco and here's what's happened to me' but they were so small minded that they didn't even comprehend the level of her success and she found that ultimately depressing and it led to, what Tom Woods suggests, was a suicide. Although it was never quite proven. Now, I'd like to think Steph that never happens to you.
S: No, I don't think so.
H: Well good, so you're happy with yourself?
S: Very much so.
H: Well that's very important.
R: We've certainly heard good reports about you Steph and we're gonna tell to the fellow rockstars. I know that 28 Days are in the building.
S: Yes I'm interviewing them at 2.
R: And I was about to say! We're gonna pass on Steph Edwardes' name and say watch out for her. She's a hot, young up and comer.
H: Absolutely, and those boys from 28 Days... they're much better looking in the flesh Steph, and I reckon you oughta get on the guestlist when they come round.
R: And like they say in 28 Days - we haven't had a girl till we've had her 3 ways.
S: We've got 6 letters left.
H: Ok! Fuckin crock.

U

S: USA
H: USA. That's 3. Out of the way, isn't it?
R: Next.

V

S: Vocabulary
H: The vocabulary of rock has one letter in it, and I'm not gonna tell you what that is.
R: *laughs*
S: Well if you tell me you'd have to kill me right?
H: Absolutely.
S: Ok, that's alright then. Moving on
H: You're working this one out, Steph. Rewrite all of our answers and make it sound better.

W

S: Of course! World Domination.
R: Steph, you must hear this all the time, but you just sound like such an attractive young person.
S: Thank you, that's very nice to hear but no, I don't hear that much.
H: Oh, are you patronised by some of these pricks in rock bands?
S: Well occasionally.
H: That's terrible. I wouldn't stand for it Steph.
S: Yeh, it comes with the job.
H: What your doing is far more important then what we're doing.
R: Steph, what's your uni course?
S: Engineering.
R: Whoa! So you're not only creative and talented enough to run your own website and do an extremely hard course...
S: Yeh!
H: And in a male dominated world.
R: If Ron Hitler Barassi can say this on the Rockus website, Steph Edwardes is the complete package. The complete person. She has got what any self respecting, intelligent male would want and that is a deep, rich inner life.

X

S: Thank you very much. Hey, we're up to X.
H: Excellent news
R: That's it, excellent news! Now we're up to Y, but tell us what you were gonna have for X anyway.
S: X-treme sports
R and H: Ahh
R: You talk to the boys from 28 Days about that. When you interview them at 2 o'clock, tell them that TISM say yes to the tobogganing, yes to the rock climbing but no to the inline skating.
H: Steph, are you aware that aggressive inliners are looked down upon by skaters?
S: Is that right?
H: The entire X-sports community looks down upon wakeboarders. There's a lot of infighting in the X-treme sport world. We at TISM would like to extend the hand of friendship, the branch, the dove of peace to the world of X-treme sports and we've got 2 sports we want to be at the Planet X games which I believe is in December in Sydney. That's X-treme moderation and X-treme politeness. They're the 2 new sports we would like to introduce and really there's nothing so extreme as sitting on the fence.

Y

S: Indeed. 2 more - year 2002
H: Yes
R: Steph, can you pass along to the boys from 28 Days when you interview them later on... we think they are the most half arsed bunch of pussy whipped wankers ever to come out of Frankston. That just because they've got a modicum of success, by the year 2002 they will be forgotten while TISM will soldier on. Tell them from Ron Hitler Barrasi from TISM that it's time for them to wake up to the fact that hopping on the band wagon of some imported culture shtick from America is something that gives you no credibility and will in the end destroy you because of your own pernicious lack of talent. Tell them that we feel that their hyped up brand of pseudo aggressive rock is just another commercial by-product in the dentropic world of rock and roll. And Steph, I really want you to emphasise that word dentropic because it doesn't mean anything.
H: And 28 Days are the shit and they do the business.
R: They're the poo, take a whiff.
S: Alright, I will let them know.
R: Steph, what's the next letter?

Z

S: It's Z. Do you realise I don't have a word?
H: Oh well that's alright.
R: Steph, you are an unfailingly polite girl because it doesn't matter what rubbish we say, you always go 'yep, right, ok good' Do you think you get that from your parents or is that Mercedes College?
S: No that would be my own sort of language.
R: I like it
H: Politeness is part of your essence, you are a polite person.
S: Yes, it is part of me. I have to have it.
H: That's very important.
S: It is. It's a very important quality.
R: Are your parents polite?
S: Yeh. At times.
R: There's probably deeper waters there that we probably shouldn't enter Steph, cause an overachiever like you... Someone who at 18 can be doing both an engineering course and running her own website and interviewing bands of the fame of 28 Days is obviously compensating for some deep inner feeling on inadequacy.
S: Perhaps
H: Steph, I hope this is all going on the website is it?
S: Most of it..
R and H: Ahh
R: So you're not the courageous rock journalist?
S: Want me to do the uncut thing?
H: Now Steph, the big question that we know we've all been leading up to here is - are you attached at the moment?
S: No, I'm not.
H: Why is this? Is this by choice?
S: Well I was going out with someone and now I'm not. That was about 3 weeks ago.
R: Who dropped who?
S: I dropped them.
R: Thank god
H: That's alright
R: You make your own decisions Steph. Has the man you dropped found a new girlfriend?
S: Yes
H: So you know about that?
S: And it's one of my good friends.
R and H: Ohh
R: My god. So your ex-boyfriend is going out with one of your friends.
S: Yes
R: Is this going on the website, Steph?
S: Why not?
R: Ohh why not
H: Are you still friends?
S: Yeh
R: Did you know this was going on?
S: I had an inkling
R: Now honestly now Steph because you are now on the rockus.com.au website and we've bared our soul to you and it's time for you to return the compliment Steph. Could you honestly say that that boy didn't touch your friend before he...
S: Yes
R: You can honestly say that?
S: Yes
R: Nothing happened before you two split up?
S: No
R: But they were obviously thinking about each other, weren't they?
S: Indeed. Very much so. You know what happens when people drunk, things they say. You pick them up.
H: Oh yes. It is a very harsh world out there. It's an ever cooling and entropic universe Steph and don't let this set back stop you from pissing on the graves of all the bastards.
S: Definitely not
R: Steph, any boy that would drop you or not go out with you or would cheat on you needs his head read. I don't know your friend, I'm sure she's a lovely person, but you are doing an engineering course, politeness is part of your being and you're running your own website and any man who doesn't take that and hang onto it for what his life is worth, just doesn't deserve the gem that is Steph Edwardes. It's reminding me Humphrey of Romeo when he first met Juliet and he said 'She is like the jewel in an Ethiops ear.' That's what that boy should have said to you.
H: Absolutely, and Steph we would like to extend this comment to your ex-boyfriend. We would like to say that he can get fucked for starters and we challenge him to come to see TISM in Perth and our road crew, who are all ex-criminals, will beat him within an inch of his life for what he's done to you.
R: And if you want to Steph, you can be there laughing your intelligent, pretty head off as that man's face is rearranged courtesy of the TISM road crew. Would you like to see that?
S: Why not? Definitely!
H: You are such a polite girl.
R: Let me say that Mercedes girls... they're one in a million these Mercedes girls.
S: Well you've gotta meet the rest of them before you say that. A few of them didn't turn out quite right.
H: Steph, we've gotta go. We've given you 35 minutes of our time, and I would like to say we've been doing publicity for this album now for 3 weeks, 5 days a week, about 6 hours a day and this has been a delight.
S: Fantastic, thank you.
H: And I want you... I insist that you put this up on the website and I insist that ex-boy of yours... Let me tell you that ex-boyfriend will be reading this now and he'll be weeping cause he's knows like the Snowguns of yesteryear, once they have melted you'll never get them back. This ain't no novel. Steph was your Elizabeth Bennet and you have lost her forever.
S: Alright, I'll publish it.
H: Steph, see you at the show
S: Thanks for your time!
R and H: Bye!

 

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