Diary



Well this is my little diary, where i crap on about nothing... it could be quite an interesting read if you can get through it.. It reflects a lot on my personality really- it's got the bits where I'm all hyped up (not on drugs :P) and really random (which is what I do when I'm hyper) and when I'm really down too... If this doesn't make sense, it's cos I've actually just taken it out of my Elftown diary thing and pasted it in here...So, enjoy.. =)

Monday 5th May Horay. Back to school for the week, which is crappy.

School suddenly doesn't seem like too much of a drag. I dunno, maybe I've just released myself of a few burdens (namely; Tim and the huge crush I had on him..) and I'm rediscovering some people and rediscovering myself I suppose... I'm beginning to be able to stand back and see myself as who I am.. And perhaps I'm gonna change myself because of that, and maybe I'm observing people more rather than putting forward my own ideas..
I'm finding that I'm becoming super dependent on my friends lately, though perhaps not those people who I had before called my friends... As I said, I'm rediscovering some people and especially feeling the need to be around people a /lot/ more than I would have before the holidays started...
There's only 24 days till my birthday. Maybe when the 29th comes around I'll be a whole new person. Pfft. I doubt it, but it's possible.
Right now I'm listening to the Norah Jones Cd for the first time... I've also scored Radiohead and the Late night mix, which should be good. I'm so into this mellow'ed music lately.
I wish I could draw. That'd be so good. My best piece of work is a portait of Laren. And it sucks. I can't do eyes... or shading.... or lips.. or hair or anything else...The only good thing is his 2 tattoos lol.

So there you go. My life is sucky. I have to write some new songs, but I need inspiration. I wrote "Second Best" the other day but I don't really like it yet. Maybe it'll grow on me. Or i'll just rip it up and start again.
It hurts to rip up my work
So I usually don't.
I had to rip something out of my old notebook and /that/ hurt... I wasn't throwing it out or anything, I just had to take it out of my notebook so I could copy it out later on and didn't want to take the whole book. It was like getting an injection; I had to wince and close my eyes lol.
So that's all. Ciao for now. Hopefully someone good will come on for rp.




Thursday 1st May
Hmm

It's May! That means 28 days till I turn 17!! How cool is that? Hopefully it'll be better than my 16th which was CRAP.. Seriously.

Well today... I'm obsessed over Placebo, I found Dad's CD and now I've claimed it hehe. I'm all go for this mellowed out stuff now..

I'm missing something.. I'm trying to fill a hole, but I don't know what it needs to be filled with. I feel restless and confused and I don't know what I'm meant to do to fix it.. I've been hanging out with Shane a lot lately- he's a nice guy, and 2 of these girls have been giving him a LOT of S**t lately, but I've stuck by him and I hope he knows that hehe. As much as people like to be do-gooders without reward, I like to be recognised at least...
And I've been spending lots of time with Nick too. He's such an awesome guy... we never really talked until one night on the net but now I think we've become pretty good friends, especially after finding Strong Bad ( www.homestarrunner.com ) hehe and this has full started a craze throughout my friends, and my brother's friends, and I predict it's going to spead. The insanity will be mind-boggling!
I don't know what else I'm missing, what I'm waiting for, what I'm looking for... it's something, I just have to find it.. I feel restless and tired as well, I sense a change coming on, but what's going to change... I don't know.. That's it- there's going to be a change, but I don't know in what.. ARGH! It's killing me! I'm looking at the world and my friends differently lately since beginning to discover myself properly and so maybe things are just gonna snowball from there, I don't know... I wish I did!

I'm putting my diary up on my webpage lately, so to my friends, I'm sorry if I write anything .. I had the word and now I can't remember... anything.... it starts with C... I can't remember.. but you know what I mean.

What else? It's really cold in here...

I wonder who.. CONTROVERSIAL!!! that's the word.
I wonder who'll remember my birthday this year. Nearly everyone forgot last year hehe. So I'm not even gonna say anything and see if they remember or not. Buaha! I'm gonna have to let some people in on it- the people who WILL remember to make sure they don't give it away.. People who will probably forget will be Ducky, Shane, Kass, Andy... Gahh..fingers are freezing now, going to go ring Oli..
I had more written but, as usual I don't want to be seen badly in other people's eyes so I took it down. It wasn't anything bad about them, I just don't like people to know what I think about them lol. I try and not say too much about my friends because of that.
Today we were looking at group expectations in Psych. Oli and I decided to see what expectations everyone in our group had, and their roles etc. She said I was the creative mysterious one :P My Mum always said that it was good to be mysterious. I do it without meaning to.. I wish I could be more open but I like to think that I'm protected and that people don't know too much about me that they could use against me. If I reveal too much I'm out of my comfort zone and I don't like it... It scares me, unless it's some people.. At the moment, Olivia knows a lot more about what's happening with me than anyone else.. I think also that Luke still knows me best, or he at least knows my superficial personality best.. whether he knows the /real/ me or not is another story.. I'd like to think I'm still the only person who knows that...

I'm making my diary into a novel. Maybe I'll publish it one day hehehe.

I've discovered something else... I don't have a best friend at the moment.. I'm not one of those people who write in to things and say: "I'd like to say Hi to my best friends Blahdi, Bladi, Bladhi, Blah and Blah, Blah, Blah, Blah.' I only have 1 best friend...Amy used to be my best friend but since I got back from France, something's missing.. I have lots of /really/ close friends- Olivia, Luke... etc, but no best friend... I feel lost.. =(

I've written lots tonight, but I'm running out of stuff to say. You know, I never used to be able to keep diaries. I'd write them maybe once or twice and then never again... but at the moment I'm somehow writing 2.. One on here and one in my actual journal, and I've been keeping it since before the beginning of April! How about that?!?!




Sunday 27th April
I'm nervous... I'm chewing the inside of my mouth to pieces... just the inside of my lower lip, the sides and the lip.. kinda ends up hurting after a while but I only have 1 bit of gum left... I usually chew my fingers too... not my nails, just the skin around my nails... I'll have to go down to the shops I suppose... bah!
Maybe I'll go to mornington..
And do..
Nothing.. o.O
Meh.

I'm finally back to planning my story. I've been hunting for 2 bits of paper with a bit of the plot and my history for AGES and I finally found them (before then I'd re-written both on what I could remember) so suddenly I'm all fired up again, cos I originally didn't want to write any more on it cos I thought the sheets of paper had better ideas but apparently I'd done a good job of remembering what I'd written...

My diary is really long... it's turning into an epic. I might put some of it up on the website. Leave comments about it if you read it o.O I've been getting around to looking at some people's diaries.. I'm full into voting in polls at the moment hehe..



Monday 21st April
Well last night at 2am in the morning I was having some deep thoughts about myself, so I ended up writing one and a half pages on what I was thinking about and stuff, that was meant to go on my bio before I realised it was too long. So here's what I was going to say.

I'm not going to say I'm crazy or insane because every second person in Elftown says they are. A few years ago I would have too, but I've changed a lot since then.
Recently (as of this morning, at 2am) I dicovered a major part of myself. No one really knows who I am (I hardly know who I am); I only ever tell half the story. Here's a good example of what I mean. I was talking to this guy over the net; I'd talked to him once before and he'd been helping me with my little relationship issue thing, convinced me to write a letter and what-not, and he asks: 'Would you be disappointed if he said he didn't like you?' To my friends, I would have told only have the story: 'Well, I would have been kind of prepared for it anyway...'
He recieved the same answer as above, plus 'But yeah, I'd be upset, but to him (the guy I like), I'd pretend not to be, I'd pretend to take it in my stride.' So I don't think that many people truly know me. I've spent my whole life trying to build up an image of who I want myself to be... I'm not not this person, it's just that there's someone else too, who my friends miss out on because I don't want to give too much of myself away... this of course, doesn't apply to every situation, but is particularly present when talking about my feelings or my thoughts on things.

I'm not dark-minded, I'm not saddistic or happy and joyful all the time (though I do have my moments). I'm just your average teenager trying to figure out where she fits in, who she is and why certain people won't go out with her (heh).

I've also just dicovered that I become somewhat philosophical at 2.10 in the morning...

So that's me... Sorry if I leave out some of the story- it means that I know you too closely and don't want to give myself away- that's just who I am. Maybe now that I realise this I can change and become more open. It's doubtful, but I can try.



Earlier, still Monday 21st I wrote out my thing about 2008 in 2008 and it didn't put it up!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRR NOW I'M ANGRY
*is one of those crocodiles at timezone that you hit on the head and after a while they stop and say NOW I"M ANGRY!!!! then go mental and all 10 of them come out at onceeeeeee*

My friend Luke just logged on.
I'm bound to be hyper within 5 minutes.
I can feel it kicking in already
How can he do this to me?
I don't like him or anything
Now Shane's come on


Why are all my friends on the internet at 1.30?
Are we all losers
Yes.
Yes we are.

I wanted to crack my back but it didn't work
I ended up sitting on the floor
I looked professional
It grinded a little
But didn't crack.

My chair is annoying.
My diary sometimes looks like poetry


And Even Earlier! Does my diary go backwards? Maybe I'll fix it up one day..

It's now 1 Am.
It's getting harder to type
Things are becoming fuzzy
Eyes... heavy
um... I'm yawning a lot more..
Is there something wrong with me Doc?
For some stupid reason I've decided that I might want to stay up all night tonight, though once i get d/ced from the net (in an hour) I won't want to be bothered reconnecting and so will probably be doing to bed at 2am. Unless someone I want to rp with comes on.
If he doesn't- well I'm off to bed. I should turn my bed warmer on.
Mmm
Warmth.
I might go do that now, while I remember

Done and done
Biscay is sleeping on his back.
It's cute.
Now he's snoring again.
I want one.
*sets up a Shrine for those who wish to worship him*

Oh can I just meantion something here? It's about puggles.
1) I read many times that a puggle is a baby echidna but apparently, I've been led to believe a lie. Apparently, it's actually something made up by the Lost Forest (mehh) and (I actually remember going there for a friend's b/day party once, it's like this whole shop and they do sell puggles, which look remarkably like baby echidnas) the rumor that a puggle is a baby echidna has spread ever since
2) today I also read from some news report about the Melbourne Zoo, they were calling baby Platypus puggles. Now I'm REALLY confused.
So I'm sorry to anyone who I lead to believe that puggles were baby echidnas. Apparently they're not.

But still! It's kinda cool.
Now I need a new mood.
But I don't know what.
An idea is forming. I shall put it into action now.

This chair makes so much noise. If I move, then sit back it's like ARGHHHH YOU MOVE AND I WILL TELL THE WORLD!!!!!1
Evil.

My mood now says;
Must.... not.... sleep.....
*chews hair*

Maybe I'll make a diary entry from 2008
Seems kinda pointless having your diary be able to go all the way up to 2008 when we're only in 2003 and only people like me who have nothing better to do will use it going up to 2008 since a diary is designed to keep records. Unless we want to make a prediction about 2008 and that way when 2008 comes along we can surprise ourselves and say, WOW! I predicted this! Watch. I'll prove it to you.



Easter Sunday, 20th April
Ha HA!

I had absolutlely no eggs today.
Kinda sad..
Andddddddd I was hyper before, but it's nearly 12 so now i'm not... my mouth tastes like coffee and sugar... and the coffe and massive amounts of sugar IN the coffee hasn't kicked in yet..
I just made my shoulder crack and grind.
It kinda hurt.
My back is itchy
*yawns*
Biscay was squeeking in his sleep before. He usually snores. And farts. And whimpers and runs too. Cute.
His lips go all twitchy..

I still have soooo much stupid English homework to do.... I don't know how I'm gonna do it. I have to tape a current affair's show and like, edit it onto another tape. Yeah right.. and then like, write a speach on it and stuff. I'm so badly NOT doing it..
I hate English
I'm so doing English lit 3&4 next year and NOT English.

When did school become Not good?
I used to enjoy English
AHAHAHA
Seriously.
Arghhhhh why is it midnight?
Why am I still awake talking about my relationship issues with people I've never met before at midnight????

I don't like writing in full sentences this morning (aha), but making lots and lots of little ones in lines that go down.
Like this.
See the lines?
Yes.
This is what I usually do when I'm hyped up.
Give me half an hour and I'll be so tired I'm out of my head and completely nuts. That's when it starts to get reallllly interesting.

I just yawned and my jaw cracked.
I hate it when that happens- it like, clicks out of (or back into?) place.. kinda annoying



Saturday 19th April

it's easter tomorrow.

*looks at what used to be a whole chocolate bunny and is now just a pair of legs.. Hmmm*

Ugh. I want to sleep.
Maybe I'll have a siesta.
I Hate sleeping during the day, I'll be tired as hell and not be able to get to sleep.
I actually find it easier to fall asleep in front of the tv than in my bed- unless what ever is on tv is something interesting, so I keep glancing up to see what's happening and can't sleep... action shows with guns and stuff don't work and the tv has to be at a certain volume... I also have to be warm enough. Maybe I should write a lesson on how to fall asleep at lunch time in front of the tv. Good idea.